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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I hate my husband

98 replies

Yellowwallflower1 · 17/05/2024 14:22

So to keep this relatively short...I really and truly hate my husband.
We dated for 3 years and are now married for 7. I have left him 3 times over 7 years already, but always ended up coming back. I have a 1 year old and 6 year old with him.
He is a nasty piece of work and I am only with him because of the children. They are too young for me to cope with alone (I work 2 part time jobs so don't have anyone to watch the kids whilst i work, if i were to leave), but also need to work to pay bills and provide for my kids. He is a high earner (earns 3x more than me) and pays the mortgage. He refuses to pay nursery fees, council tax, gas, electric, TV license, water because he pays the mortgage which is approx £2000 a month but more than half of this gets covered by rental income from other properties.
He never tells me where he is going, never asks how I am or how my day is. He's got no manners. We've had sex 4 times since April 2022. Two of these times were to get pregnant (another story for another time). He doesn't touch me at all. He acts like he doesn't like me but has begged me to come back every time I've left.
I am going to leave him once my youngest is in school and file for divorce.
Is there anything I should be doing right now about any of this? (Apart from leave him now)
He is not open to discussions and ignores me most of the time.
Please don't judge me. I have been through alot).

OP posts:
MelifluousMint · 18/05/2024 09:14

Yellowwallflower1 · 18/05/2024 07:57

My husband has been very clever.
He has put one rental house (mortgage free) in his father's name. The second rental has a mortgage on it.
He does not have a formsl pension, claiming the houses will be his pension.

His business earns 6 figures net profit a year. His business is very nearly at the 7 figure mark. He can take a 6 figure dividend each year if he wishes. He does not, he keeps it in his limited company. He pays himself as an employee a modest salary, enough to cover the mortgage and other bits for himself.
He is sole director.
All in all, the business is classed as a separate entity to him. He has been very clever. He took all our passports and filed them away in a locked filing cabinet. I didn't have a key. I do now and have removed all the passports for me and my kids.
He is very controlling, goes through my things when I am out of the house. He checks every bedroom and every cupboard.
Working is the only thing I have that he can't touch. He has been telling me to quit work and work privately. He knows then my work is not secure and I won't have a reliable income, which means I can't go anywhere.

Can you post this on the legal board and see if anyone can offer any insight on this? (And definitely see a solicitor irl.)

RandomMess · 18/05/2024 09:17

Coercive control is a crime now, have you spoken to your local domestic violence unit at the police station.

He is financially abusing your

trippingthelightfantastic1 · 18/05/2024 09:31

Wow, some of the replies on here are plain nasty. I am so sorry for the situation you are in OP and I am outraged for you at some of the comments.

Anyone who suggests you should make yourself homeless is talking nonsense. Nowadays that often means being accommodated in a single room with no cooking facilities and one bed, at least for the first few months (just look at the posts about it on MN). It is absolutely not the case that social services would deem you unfit to care for your children if you became homeless and ended up in emergency accommodation, but it is highly likely your children would prefer time with your husband if that happened as who on earth would want to stay in a single, dingy room. He might well use that to his advantage if he starts monstering and trying to further control you and make you return. It would also make parenting and working problematic. You children might well need to move schools/nursery etc and you be moved several times. It would be far better to plan to avoid homeless and anyone who suggests otherwise is being ridiculous.

Social housing is a scarce resource too and rents are unaffordable in many areas. Lots of people mention their mum being able to leave and bring up several children as a single parent. Things were different years ago as it was much easier to get a council house and mortgages/rents were much lower and affordable. As an earner OP is disadvantaged by the system perhaps as she earns too much for means tested financial assistance (UC etc) but will not earn enough to pay rent, all the bills, food, childcare costs etc. We are in a cost of living crisis and that cannot be a factor OP ignores when planning what to do next. Nor should she give up her job or compromise it.

As for using her husband as a childcare facility. That is a mindblowing comment. He is a joint parent. OP should be able to rely on him. In fact his children should be able to rely on him. That should be the case whether OP leaves or not of course, but we all know that coercive, controlling men do not take kindly to their wives leaving and sometimes lash out and punish. OP knows her husband far better than we do and knows his likely reaction and again, needs to plan for that. Including that she might be financially solo at least for some period.

All that said, OP I do think you should get legal advice so you can consider options that would allow you to leave sooner. It won't compel you to leave sooner, but might give you some confidence that you can do so and is a viable option. Many family law solicitors charge a fixed fee for the first session for several hours during which you can troubleshoot key issues. (Happy to recommend some, PM me if that would help.) A court would look at the value of current assets and earning potential when considering a split. A lot of what your husband has done (one property in his father's name, salary and dividend split etc) are all done for tax purposes. However, there will be plenty of evidence of these tactics and the true value of the assets. He might choose to pay himself a dividend and low salary etc, but a judge looks beyond that. It would be pretty impossible to hide tax avoidance/minimisation steps. Lots of people do it and the courts are astute to it.

I also think it would help to approach a domestic abuse charity for help. Whilst they might not provide accommodation, they will know good local solicitors and can help build your self esteem. As someone else rightly said, when you live in a hard, challenging, abusive situation, it strips your morale and gusto. They can help build that back up and also give tips for getting your ducks in a row so you can leave sooner.

Sending big hugs your way.

MushMonster · 18/05/2024 09:39

Why don't you just live a completely separated life from him then?
Do you have your own room? If not, pick one in the house, move your things there and get a lock? I suppose you do not do house chores for him? I would not.
I would, at the very lrast, give him a taste of his own attitude, with just going out of the house without saying a word.
I do think that you need to leave him and move away from him, but you seem to have a long list of reasons not to. I do not quite understand you here. All points to pack and leave this marriage.

MelifluousMint · 18/05/2024 09:40

trippingthelightfantastic1 · 18/05/2024 09:31

Wow, some of the replies on here are plain nasty. I am so sorry for the situation you are in OP and I am outraged for you at some of the comments.

Anyone who suggests you should make yourself homeless is talking nonsense. Nowadays that often means being accommodated in a single room with no cooking facilities and one bed, at least for the first few months (just look at the posts about it on MN). It is absolutely not the case that social services would deem you unfit to care for your children if you became homeless and ended up in emergency accommodation, but it is highly likely your children would prefer time with your husband if that happened as who on earth would want to stay in a single, dingy room. He might well use that to his advantage if he starts monstering and trying to further control you and make you return. It would also make parenting and working problematic. You children might well need to move schools/nursery etc and you be moved several times. It would be far better to plan to avoid homeless and anyone who suggests otherwise is being ridiculous.

Social housing is a scarce resource too and rents are unaffordable in many areas. Lots of people mention their mum being able to leave and bring up several children as a single parent. Things were different years ago as it was much easier to get a council house and mortgages/rents were much lower and affordable. As an earner OP is disadvantaged by the system perhaps as she earns too much for means tested financial assistance (UC etc) but will not earn enough to pay rent, all the bills, food, childcare costs etc. We are in a cost of living crisis and that cannot be a factor OP ignores when planning what to do next. Nor should she give up her job or compromise it.

As for using her husband as a childcare facility. That is a mindblowing comment. He is a joint parent. OP should be able to rely on him. In fact his children should be able to rely on him. That should be the case whether OP leaves or not of course, but we all know that coercive, controlling men do not take kindly to their wives leaving and sometimes lash out and punish. OP knows her husband far better than we do and knows his likely reaction and again, needs to plan for that. Including that she might be financially solo at least for some period.

All that said, OP I do think you should get legal advice so you can consider options that would allow you to leave sooner. It won't compel you to leave sooner, but might give you some confidence that you can do so and is a viable option. Many family law solicitors charge a fixed fee for the first session for several hours during which you can troubleshoot key issues. (Happy to recommend some, PM me if that would help.) A court would look at the value of current assets and earning potential when considering a split. A lot of what your husband has done (one property in his father's name, salary and dividend split etc) are all done for tax purposes. However, there will be plenty of evidence of these tactics and the true value of the assets. He might choose to pay himself a dividend and low salary etc, but a judge looks beyond that. It would be pretty impossible to hide tax avoidance/minimisation steps. Lots of people do it and the courts are astute to it.

I also think it would help to approach a domestic abuse charity for help. Whilst they might not provide accommodation, they will know good local solicitors and can help build your self esteem. As someone else rightly said, when you live in a hard, challenging, abusive situation, it strips your morale and gusto. They can help build that back up and also give tips for getting your ducks in a row so you can leave sooner.

Sending big hugs your way.

Great comment

perfectcolourfound · 18/05/2024 09:55

Hi Op.

You believe that you wouldn't be able to cope financially if you left him. You may well be in a better position than you think. All assets are jointly owned. He will have to be maintenance for his children. Is there any evidence of the arrangement with this house he bought with your marital assets but then put in his dad's name?

You need to get some legal advice, and quickly. You'd probably be better off without him than you think. He'd be obliged to fairly contribute to his children for a start.

As far as his parenting goes, he sounds utterly useless, so I doubt you'd miss him much.

Seriously, please don't assume you can't leave for 4 years. Your options could be much better than you think. Any in any case, a lot of damage can be done to you, and more importantly your children, in 4 years.

They will suffer much less leaving now (they'll be much less aware than in 4 years). They'll be spared witnessing and experiencing his abuse. They'll be less likely to start seeing his behaviou as normal and copying it, or ending up with a partner like him when they're older. They'll not have to watch their mum - their one reliable, loving parent - turn into a shadow of herself.

Life on the other side will be so much happier for your and your children. Your husband is financially abusive and emotionally abusive. You will be better off emotionally, and likely financially, without him.

JennyBeanR · 18/05/2024 10:34

Hi OP, have you contacted citizens advice? Perhaps they can help you and the children into a council house. Also, if you haven't already, reach out to a solicitor. Start getting legal advice.

JennyBeanR · 18/05/2024 10:35

Also I don't think it's very helpful to tell OP to leave and be homeless. Quite frankly that's an awful suggestion with 2 small children.

Yellowwallflower1 · 18/05/2024 11:58

trippingthelightfantastic1 · 18/05/2024 09:31

Wow, some of the replies on here are plain nasty. I am so sorry for the situation you are in OP and I am outraged for you at some of the comments.

Anyone who suggests you should make yourself homeless is talking nonsense. Nowadays that often means being accommodated in a single room with no cooking facilities and one bed, at least for the first few months (just look at the posts about it on MN). It is absolutely not the case that social services would deem you unfit to care for your children if you became homeless and ended up in emergency accommodation, but it is highly likely your children would prefer time with your husband if that happened as who on earth would want to stay in a single, dingy room. He might well use that to his advantage if he starts monstering and trying to further control you and make you return. It would also make parenting and working problematic. You children might well need to move schools/nursery etc and you be moved several times. It would be far better to plan to avoid homeless and anyone who suggests otherwise is being ridiculous.

Social housing is a scarce resource too and rents are unaffordable in many areas. Lots of people mention their mum being able to leave and bring up several children as a single parent. Things were different years ago as it was much easier to get a council house and mortgages/rents were much lower and affordable. As an earner OP is disadvantaged by the system perhaps as she earns too much for means tested financial assistance (UC etc) but will not earn enough to pay rent, all the bills, food, childcare costs etc. We are in a cost of living crisis and that cannot be a factor OP ignores when planning what to do next. Nor should she give up her job or compromise it.

As for using her husband as a childcare facility. That is a mindblowing comment. He is a joint parent. OP should be able to rely on him. In fact his children should be able to rely on him. That should be the case whether OP leaves or not of course, but we all know that coercive, controlling men do not take kindly to their wives leaving and sometimes lash out and punish. OP knows her husband far better than we do and knows his likely reaction and again, needs to plan for that. Including that she might be financially solo at least for some period.

All that said, OP I do think you should get legal advice so you can consider options that would allow you to leave sooner. It won't compel you to leave sooner, but might give you some confidence that you can do so and is a viable option. Many family law solicitors charge a fixed fee for the first session for several hours during which you can troubleshoot key issues. (Happy to recommend some, PM me if that would help.) A court would look at the value of current assets and earning potential when considering a split. A lot of what your husband has done (one property in his father's name, salary and dividend split etc) are all done for tax purposes. However, there will be plenty of evidence of these tactics and the true value of the assets. He might choose to pay himself a dividend and low salary etc, but a judge looks beyond that. It would be pretty impossible to hide tax avoidance/minimisation steps. Lots of people do it and the courts are astute to it.

I also think it would help to approach a domestic abuse charity for help. Whilst they might not provide accommodation, they will know good local solicitors and can help build your self esteem. As someone else rightly said, when you live in a hard, challenging, abusive situation, it strips your morale and gusto. They can help build that back up and also give tips for getting your ducks in a row so you can leave sooner.

Sending big hugs your way.

The mumsnet culture is becoming very toxic. I had hoped for some guidance on the things I could do now, which might help me to leave sooner or at least help me plan for when I do leave and start divorce proceedings. Only a handful of people, like yourself, has had the decency to actually provide a helpful response. So thank you.
It is a very difficult situation.
The two rentals he had bought before we married.
When I left before, I had to reduce my hours of work because no one was able to help out. Financially I took a hit and this was also while I had 30 free hours of childcare.
I won't get the 30 free childcare until my youngest turns 2 and then I would have to wait til the next term.
If I wait til the mortgage is up for renewal, I don't have to agree to be on the mortgage, that way he will be forced to either sell or carry on paying the mortgage. The plan was that he would take care of the mortgage when we bought the house. This way, I don't end up with bad credit or in debt, if he starts to get nasty. Which I don't doubt he will. He will most likely try and use the kids against me.
As for getting pregnant with him, it wasn't as straight forward as it seems. My first was unexpected, I took the morning after pill but it didn't work. I took that as a sign that he was meant to be here.
The second was also very unexpected, there was lots of issues surrounding this, ones that I don't want to talk about on here. I had to make a decision on whether I wanted to have anymore children. It was now or never, let's just say. I don't regret it.

OP posts:
Thekalahari · 18/05/2024 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yellowwallflower1 · 18/05/2024 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Try actually reading my responses before commenting.
And if you are still choosing to blame me for having children and using my husband as a "sperm donor", then piss off back to your seat and stop twitching the curtains.

OP posts:
Thekalahari · 18/05/2024 12:05

Yellowwallflower1 · 18/05/2024 12:04

Try actually reading my responses before commenting.
And if you are still choosing to blame me for having children and using my husband as a "sperm donor", then piss off back to your seat and stop twitching the curtains.

expected better.

Yellowwallflower1 · 18/05/2024 12:09

Thekalahari · 18/05/2024 12:05

expected better.

Take a good hard look at yourself, before taking the time out of your day to be deliberately spiteful to people you don't know.
I truly hope you aren't a mother with sons, because I can see just how boys become spiteful men, like my husband.

OP posts:
Thekalahari · 18/05/2024 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MelifluousMint · 18/05/2024 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Detestable behaviour. Hope you feel less sad and angry soon.

Thekalahari · 18/05/2024 12:17

i am neither sad nor angry. maybe give advice to op? what is your advice to her and women in similar positions?

hand out gold medals for trapping a sperm donor who treats them like sh!t but has a good salary and can help with child care? counselling would be a good start for op.

MelifluousMint · 18/05/2024 12:18

Thekalahari · 18/05/2024 12:17

i am neither sad nor angry. maybe give advice to op? what is your advice to her and women in similar positions?

hand out gold medals for trapping a sperm donor who treats them like sh!t but has a good salary and can help with child care? counselling would be a good start for op.

I already did.

I assume you are sad and angry because that’s how you sound.

mrsdineen2 · 18/05/2024 12:25

Yellowwallflower1 · 17/05/2024 20:01

Wow the replies on this post are so unhelpful.
My husband knows exactly how I feel and he knows I have been considering divorce. He makes my life difficult because he knows when it comes to the kids and finances, he's got a hold on me. Until I relieve myself of the childcare fees and my youngest goes to school, I will have extra income that I can use towards a new mortgage or rent. Our mortgage is up for renewal in just over 3 years, which means I do not have to be beholden to him financially.
Many of you think I am using him. You know very little of my circumstances and the kind of person I am. My children have always come first and I have made many many sacrifices for them. And I have no issue continuing to do this.

You're 100% right. He owes you everything, you owe him nothing. You're perfect, he's scum. He's a bastard for going through your things and taking the kids' passports, you're a wonderful person for going through his things and taking the kids' passports.

Is that what you want to hear?

MrsSlocombesCat · 18/05/2024 12:34

As someone who left an unhappy marriage with two children by taking out a loan for a deposit on a rental house, it’s hard for me to understand why you would stay with him. When I left I worked part time and had no idea what benefits I would be entitled to (it was before the internet) but I knew I had to leave. I felt like I hated him at the time and that it was toxic for all of us. It was the best thing I ever did. The feeling of relief was incredible and we are all better off for it. Funnily enough once we separated we started to get on and I stopped hating him.

whyhavetheygotsomany · 18/05/2024 14:17

He earns a decent salary and you have properties you rent out. I'm sure there must be a way of splitting and you being ok You need to get legal advice. You can't stay with a man you hate that won't be good for anyone

SleeplessInWherever · 18/05/2024 19:02

MrsSlocombesCat · 18/05/2024 12:34

As someone who left an unhappy marriage with two children by taking out a loan for a deposit on a rental house, it’s hard for me to understand why you would stay with him. When I left I worked part time and had no idea what benefits I would be entitled to (it was before the internet) but I knew I had to leave. I felt like I hated him at the time and that it was toxic for all of us. It was the best thing I ever did. The feeling of relief was incredible and we are all better off for it. Funnily enough once we separated we started to get on and I stopped hating him.

This. All of this.

I haven’t started liking my ex husband again, but when I decided to leave him the only option was that I would just HAVE to manage, because staying in that home and marriage is detrimental to everyone’s wellbeing. Find a way to make it work.

I genuinely can’t wrap my head around how or why someone would stay. Yes it makes your financial life more uncomfortable, but frankly there’s more to life than money and no man, with no amount of money or comfortable lifestyle, is worth it.

MrsCherryCrest · 20/05/2024 06:13

Leaving an unhappy marriage and leaving someone who’s abusive, and who will try to destroy your life for leaving them (regardless of any negative consequences to your children), are two very different scenarios. A lot of the posters on this thread don’t understand the difference because they haven’t had to flee an abuser.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/05/2024 20:12

MrsCherryCrest · 20/05/2024 06:13

Leaving an unhappy marriage and leaving someone who’s abusive, and who will try to destroy your life for leaving them (regardless of any negative consequences to your children), are two very different scenarios. A lot of the posters on this thread don’t understand the difference because they haven’t had to flee an abuser.

A lot of us do.

Leaving an abusive marriage is always the right thing to do. Despite how hard it is, despite how much he'll attempt to continue the abuse. (A decade on for me & only abating)

If I'm correct OP has posted before, and her relationship & her own choices are deeply problematic. The marriage needs to end, the sooner the better.

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