I hate my husband

[Yellowwallflower1]

So to keep this relatively short...I really and truly hate my husband.
We dated for 3 years and are now married for 7. I have left him 3 times over 7 years already, but always ended up coming back. I have a 1 year old and 6 year old with him.
He is a nasty piece of work and I am only with him because of the children. They are too young for me to cope with alone (I work 2 part time jobs so don't have anyone to watch the kids whilst i work, if i were to leave), but also need to work to pay bills and provide for my kids. He is a high earner (earns 3x more than me) and pays the mortgage. He refuses to pay nursery fees, council tax, gas, electric, TV license, water because he pays the mortgage which is approx £2000 a month but more than half of this gets covered by rental income from other properties.
He never tells me where he is going, never asks how I am or how my day is. He's got no manners. We've had sex 4 times since April 2022. Two of these times were to get pregnant (another story for another time). He doesn't touch me at all. He acts like he doesn't like me but has begged me to come back every time I've left.
I am going to leave him once my youngest is in school and file for divorce.
Is there anything I should be doing right now about any of this? (Apart from leave him now)
He is not open to discussions and ignores me most of the time.
Please don't judge me. I have been through alot).

Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head.

I'll never get people who stay for the kids. Certainly from my perspective of my parents - I'd far rather they hadn't for as long as they did, and I'd have told them that if asked.

They had 3 of us - 6 weeks, 8 and 13 at the time. My mum, just managed. She rented a house, and raised her 3 kids in a far happier home. What I can tell you is that my older sister and I remember every minute before they separated, and my brother only knows the better life we were given afterwards. Delaying the inevitable isn't helping your kids, in my opinion. You're giving them more unhappiness to remember.

I also left my own husband a few years back (what can I say, we love a divorce in my family) and yes, I have substantially less money. But I have infinitely more happiness.

yes i would go homeless.

I think it’s more accurate that her husband is using her. A lot of people are being victim blamey, 2 children don’t live on fresh air and can’t sleep in a shoe box if she was to leave.

If you can’t leave now then will the mortgage renewal be the time to do it? Are you able to squirrel any money away between now and them? Are the rental properties in his name? I’m thinking ahead to if you were to divorce him

Ok OP you hate your husband and plan to leave him in 3 years.

So research online and delete your history on how you can make the most money out of this as I think that is what you are asking.

In 3 years your marriage and the kids will be deemed long enough legally that any assets are split.

What else do you need to know?

Op I hope you are okay.

Spend the time building up friendships and a support network. Get all the information about childcare after school and maybe link with a single parent at school so you can ‘swap’ for childcare emgencies.

Buy kids clothes in the sales a couple of sizes bigger and shoes and pjs etc. Stash them at a relatives.
When you replace crockery/bedding/towels/curtains etc stash the old stuff at a relatives or mates. Use the time to get the things you need together.

Closer to the time get cleaning products, spices etc and stash them away. This will help your costs (which all add up).

Take copies of documents and write account numbers down. Know every asset and take your share on divorce to provide the best life for the children. Some men mess around with CMS Payments so your Full Legal entitlement is the only way YOU can make sure the children are cared for. So make sure you take legal advice and get your full legal entitlement.

Closer to the time try and get any low cost or free furniture stashed in a friend’s garage. Washing machine. Book shelves. Wardrobes etc. Again knowing you have the bits you need makes leaving and him refusing to share the furniture less stressful. It may not be what you want but you can always paint it and make it your own.

I was terrified before I left my first husband. Life was just so so hard and I literally could not imagine things being easier - only 'this bad or more bad' if that makes sense. And then I left him and actually life was so much easier. Even the hard stuff like money and childcare etc wasn't as bad as living in a toxic marriage.

I hope you find yourself in a better place soon, I have faith you will

Have you had legal advice? You will be able to claim child and spousal maintenance if he is a good earner.

I really can't understand why anyone (who has any degree of mental stability) would want to remain in that kind of setup.

In the long run you're doing no-one any favours and that includes your children.

Tbh if I hated someone I would not have issue pretending I am ok with that person and getting some support for future training.
Or just getting along to vet him pay for shit untill you are comfortable to leave.

You don't need lomg term partner who will just dissapear, not be sexually interested and ignore you.

As last reaort, you should discuss financing childcare. Present it as if you are only capable to pay for what you pay bcs you work. He cannot kick you out of the house and will have to provide for you and children if you stop working. And put that money aside.

Just to be clear. I am not with him for his money. I am still with him so I can get myself to a comfortable place where I can be independent and walk away from him, knowing that if he refuses to pay child maintenance, hides money, is sneaky with his financial affairs (which he is), then I won't have to rely on him. It is a clean break.

This is really good advice. Thank you.

If you think he might play nasty in the divorce I would make sure you start putting some money aside in a secret account , anything you can to help with those costs, also anything you have physically bought for the house- tv for example - keep the receipts, anything bad behaviour wise- document it etc.

He has 2 rental properties in his name.
I am thinking mortgage renewal will be the right time - my youngest will be able to go to school around about the same ish time.
Paying all the outgoings I have, makes it hard to save any money to be honest. This is why I'm trying to wait so I can leave confidently and without worry about him paying me anything. Once I leave and I have no ties to him (other than the children), I can get on with my life

He can't hide his assets as you already know about them, and you're married, so all assets are up for sharing on divorce. Would half of the equity on 3 properties not give you enough for a deposit?

I assume he's self employed if you think he can dodge child maintenance?

Is he employed or self-employed? How much equity is in the house? Are the other properties he owns in his name or another person's?

Living in homeless emergency accommodation with young children is awful. I did it because it was necessary but it’s harder than most people know. I hadn’t planned in advance on leaving the way I did, and my ex made my life hell for two years after I left. I knew he’d be difficult but no-one could have foreseen just how bitter and nasty he’d be. I wish I’d been better prepared and used this forum for advice back in those days. If you think staying while you plan the separation is best for you and your children, ignore the posters who are pressuring you to do it sooner. You know your own personal circumstances best. I’d recommend keeping a password protected diary of all his shitty behaviour with dates, as you may need this during legal proceedings. Also, don’t hesitate to go through CMS but know that there’s loopholes allowing men not to pay any child maintenance towards the care of their children. My ex pays none so try not to rely on it.

Those rental properties are half yours by law

That’s terrible advice. If her H was determined and secured legal counsel, the OP could put her share of time with the children into jeopardy, as she will be deemed not able to adequately shelter them, which is a basic requirement of a parent.

@Yellowwallflower1 I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Many of the “just leave” brigade don’t have a clue what it’s really like. I was in a similar situation to you, I have no family (like literally none - anywhere, think only child and an orphan), nowhere to go, no options. I was terrified of losing the kids. The best thing I can say about him is he never hit me. He controlled all the money and he would have destroyed me had I left when I was underprepared.

@5128gap gives some great advice. Look up Zawn Villines on Facebook and Substack. Her page is called liberating motherhood. She has some great resources on quiet quitting, preparing to leave and working towards your freedom if you are not in a position to do it now.

https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/building-your-exit-plan-the-ultimate?r=of6sj&utm_medium=ios

Some of these replies are unhelpful and unnecessarily combative given OP has stated that she has been through a lot.

Agree with suggestion above about getting info on all his assets. Make sure yours and kids passports are somewhere you have access to.

Put as much money aside as you can.

Disconnect emotionally as much as you can.

Develop hobbies and interests and focus on your self outside of the marriage.

I think you just have to bite the bullet and do it, you have a good job, you have options even if he makes you think you don’t.

He is abusing you financially, this is purposefully done to make it harder for you to leave. The longer you take, it won't get any easier.Meanwhile he is sat on a pile of cash and equity and the sooner you divorce him, the sooner you get access to half of it, so it makes no sense to string this out.
If you can, gather as much evidence as possible about his collateral. It will assist you to get your share. I get you don't have the funds to leave, so don't, you can still start divorce proceedings while staying put. Let's face it, he's pretty shit to live with now, so not much to lose. If he turns violent or threatening, you can have him removed by the police.
Get a SHL and start proceedings- if he's going to be underhand about it, it might take years anyway. I'd be inclined to not mention anything until he gets served with papers. Move out when the house is sold and then you'll have half the equity to set you up. You are further away from getting the money that is rightfully yours the longer you put it off. You gain nothing by waiting.

OP respectfully I don't think you are understanding your financial position very well. After divorce, all assets go into a pot to be divided. the house will probably be sold and you will receive funds to help you start afresh. you will 100% be entitled to cms unless he takes them 50/50 which is I unlikely especially as one is so young.

you can move to a smaller property so you're outgoings will be less. you can manage to do this
if you wait, I can permits it won't get easier