Hellish MIL visit... how to respond?!

[cwoffeee]

Wow, what a novel theme for a thread.

Anyway. Try to keep it short. My MIL is here for three weeks. Which is already a bonkers amount of time. I thought my partner was taking the full three weeks off to spend with her, but he's just gone back to work, halfway through. I am self-employed but took last week off to spend loads of time with her. She knew I would need to work the rest of the time.

Problem is, she is utterly negative about everything, extremely passive-aggressive and seems to find a reason to have a massive strop every couple of days. I had no idea she was like this. She seemed nice and cheerful on the phone! I expected her to come here, enjoy the lovely small city we live in, pitch in to help with the odd bit of washing up and just generally enjoy all the fun things we had planned.

The current strop is that I didn't talk to her yesterday while I was working at home (tucked away in my little office). I am on a very pressurised job this week, it's stressful and I have actually been through a lot lately. My father almost died three weeks ago, which she knows. But I have been cheerful, welcoming and relaxed. Because I was looking forward to her visit.

There's loads I could write but she seems to take everything extremely personally (like me going for a short walk after work to decompress), everything is a big drama (literally things like forgetting milk and popping to the corner shop) and every day is full of snide little remarks and sulking, if not actual tears. She cannot seem to understand that anyone else has needs or responsibilities. She also seems to be upset that my house/tastes are not like hers.

It's not solely aimed at me. She accused my partner of not spending time with her. He had spent all day with her, and was simply cooking in the kitchen for an hour.

I'm trying to be kind but it's getting hard to be kind. I'm not used to this level of drama and don't know how to deal with it. My response is to ignore – because I don't want things to go nuclear.

She had chemotherapy last year and my partner is saying it seems to have triggered personality changes – but I know that her own mother was just like this.

Argh.

My mother in law was like this. She last visited about 10 years ago and told my husband she cried herself to sleep at night when she was with us despite us taking her out several times and her giving us no help in the house. She annnounced she would never stay with us again and never has. Fortunately our relationship has improved and I hope yours does too.

Why is she with you such a long time (do you live in different countries?)

When you say she sounded nice on the phone gave you not spent time with her before?

Also I find older people who don’t work and who maybe worked in a less pressured job forget how busy life is and how pressured work can be.

It's your partners mother so he needs to speak to her. Tell him you're not prepared to put up with her strops and negative comments for another ten days.

Behave civilly, smile politely, and ignore, ignore, ignore. My mother was a sulker. Don't give the behaviour oxygen.

I’m sorry about your dad, I don’t think I’d cope with anyone behaving like this so close to a significant family bereavement (not that it would be acceptable any time!).

I would get your husband to tell her straight this behaviour is unacceptable and she can either stop the dramatics or go home, I’ve no patience though!

Can you move out to a hotel for the rest of her visit, leaving you DH, her son, to entertain her?

I would. And can you expense it to your business?

This sounds awful OP , but it is your partner's problem!

Can you find a local business centre to work from until she leaves? Let her stay home alone!

This is your partners issue. Tell him he needs to either ask her to leave it be nice

Yes ignore. Is it possible to work elsewhere for the rest of her visit? That would help you

Say to her that she seems unhappy so would she like to go home.

I think this is all I can do!

This is her first time being a mother in law and she seems to have created all sorts of mad ideas about how things are. Like she cannot touch anything in 'my kitchen' or I will get angry. (That's not me in the slightest.)

No, we haven't met before but I'm used to speaking on phone, texting. I did know she gets wound up by silly things but naively thought that wouldn't be a problem. My partner told me she would be really happy here, enjoy all the local stuff, love to pitch in with cooking. Oh no. She's disappointed by everything, won't lift a finger, clearly thinks our (recently bought, hard-worked-for) house isn't up to scratch.

My partner is mortified and pretty upset, but he is a calm and kind person, and has talked to her at length, telling her to relax, that everything is fine.

Also concerned that she seems to be having some cognitive difficulties. Everything goes in one ear and out the other. And she cannot see anyone else's point of view. If I close my office door when on a call, then it surely means I hate her. That's another worry for my partner – start of dementia?

Sadly I can't go anywhere else. Need my office setup. Also can't send her packing early! Even if it was physically possible, my partner would feel totally ashamed at cutting her visit short.

Oh, I just want her to relax, enjoy, be easygoing. I'm starting to feel quite ill from the stress, the negativity in the house. Headaches, mouth ulcers, sleeping badly. Ten more days!!

This sounds hard work op <understatement>

Where did she get the kitchen thing from? Do you think she's projecting? Maybe she's like that with her own kitchen, or maybe her own mil was interfering and it kicked off, maybe she's heard tales of kitchen power struggles between mils and dils and she took that as a starting point here!? Either way, maybe when cooking sometimes you or better still dp could actively ask for her help? "Mum, I'm trying to get dinner started, would you mind chopping some veg/frying this off while I xyz" or similar? Would it break the ice?

It's hard when others don't understand that work from home means WORK from home. Maybe set expectations there - "I've got meetings/calls all morning and a lot on today, but hopefully will manage to grab a coffee break around 2 if you're in." Etc.

Is she accustomed to travelling and staying away? Is she getting herself out and staying occupied, or is boredom contributing?

Good luck op!

I'd be telling my husband never, ever again, and I'd mean it. He can go visit her.

Tell your DH he either stays home with her all day, all the hours or he can tell her that since she seems so unhappy and neither of you can spend 24 hours a day with her it's best she go back to her comfort zone.

And keep any other visits to 3 days max if at all.

But I'm very protective of my home being my safety zone.

Make this your DH's problem, not yours. It's his mother, he has to stay home with her.

She needs to go and he has been somewhat economical with the truth re his mother. His hope that she would somehow behave better this time around in his and your home has come to nothing. She could well have some form of personality disorder. It’s not your fault nor her sons that she is the ways she is and besides which her mother acted similarly. Toxic dysfunction like this can and does go down the generations.

Do you know much about your man’s childhood?. I dare say it was not at all ideal.

it would also appear that he had FOG (fear obligation guilt) in spades hence his sense of shame of her visit was to be cut short. I would ask him if he would tolerate this from a friend and if not why not?. His mother is really no different but I think he fears her and thinks the sky will fall in if she gets upset.

His inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you. This is who she really is and has been all along, nothing whatsoever to do with she previously having chemo. He cannot keep using you as some sort of buffer between she and him. He needs to find a spine and with your assistance tell her to leave. Where she then goes is not your problem. Where are his boundaries here?.

Can you take your laptop to Costa and stay there for the day to work? Tell her you’re going to the office.

One weekend a year is more than enough for an in law to visit.

3 weeks! Just why?? 😱

I suppose if she wasn't clearly informed that during this visit you would both be working she was probably expecting company and trips out etc during her stay. Three weeks is a very long time, if she's so unhappy maybe she should cut the visit short and return home.

She was clearly informed – but we now know that everything goes in one ear and out the other. Does not bloody listen! To anything! The idea was that when we were working, she would potter around enjoying all the very local, accessible nice things to do. Without wanting to be too outing, we live in walking distance of a safe, beautiful, historic city centre.

We spent ten days taking her all over the county, lovely days out. We had even saved certain trips purely for her visit, to enjoy them together. No gratitude for any of that.

I do think he really believed that she would be fine. Or wanted to believe.

As you might expect, his childhood was full of parents shouting, arguing and sulking. As a couple, we are not like that.

Oh, massive FOG.

I think you are right about this simply being her personality. God, what a miserable way to be!

We cannot send her off early. Too expensive, too far away. On the plus side, it means she'll soon be back on the other side of the world! NEVER AGAIN. I've also been reassured that I never, ever need to visit her.

The current strop is that I didn't talk to her yesterday while I was working at home (tucked away in my little office).

I wouldn't be polite to a guest who was being stroppy with me in my own house. I think I'd just freeze her out and be stroppy back. Spend less and less time with her. If she wants to create an atmosphere let her see how bad it could be. It's only for another week or so. Maybe she'll think twice about coming back.

She is making you ill when you are still bereaved from your fathers passing, her behaviour is foul.
I would be packing her things up and booking her a hotel room for the rest of the stay, get her out of your house, enough now.

im sorry. My mils coming for two months 😬

Some posters have mentioned OP's dad dying but she said he had almost died?