Hellish MIL visit... how to respond?!

[cwoffeee]

Wow, what a novel theme for a thread.

Anyway. Try to keep it short. My MIL is here for three weeks. Which is already a bonkers amount of time. I thought my partner was taking the full three weeks off to spend with her, but he's just gone back to work, halfway through. I am self-employed but took last week off to spend loads of time with her. She knew I would need to work the rest of the time.

Problem is, she is utterly negative about everything, extremely passive-aggressive and seems to find a reason to have a massive strop every couple of days. I had no idea she was like this. She seemed nice and cheerful on the phone! I expected her to come here, enjoy the lovely small city we live in, pitch in to help with the odd bit of washing up and just generally enjoy all the fun things we had planned.

The current strop is that I didn't talk to her yesterday while I was working at home (tucked away in my little office). I am on a very pressurised job this week, it's stressful and I have actually been through a lot lately. My father almost died three weeks ago, which she knows. But I have been cheerful, welcoming and relaxed. Because I was looking forward to her visit.

There's loads I could write but she seems to take everything extremely personally (like me going for a short walk after work to decompress), everything is a big drama (literally things like forgetting milk and popping to the corner shop) and every day is full of snide little remarks and sulking, if not actual tears. She cannot seem to understand that anyone else has needs or responsibilities. She also seems to be upset that my house/tastes are not like hers.

It's not solely aimed at me. She accused my partner of not spending time with her. He had spent all day with her, and was simply cooking in the kitchen for an hour.

I'm trying to be kind but it's getting hard to be kind. I'm not used to this level of drama and don't know how to deal with it. My response is to ignore – because I don't want things to go nuclear.

She had chemotherapy last year and my partner is saying it seems to have triggered personality changes – but I know that her own mother was just like this.

Argh.

@Diamondglintsonsnow that's truly awful. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Some people are just utterly self-centered! I wonder if someone else's extra needs trigger them to behave even more badly.

MIL knows the full story of what happened with my father. She didn't even ask if he/I/my family were ok.

I used to text her a fair bit, just sending her photos and updates. Don't think that will continue. Not sure I can forget such selfish behaviour. It's likely I'll never see her again, as DP understands this experience will not be repeated.

I need a rest. I need no people in my house. Aside from all the other bollocks mentioned above, I'm just fed up of boring chit-chat and the most inane conversations.

And constantly wondering if she's going to start up again. Though I think she may have sensed that it'll go very badly. I really will kick her out.

She brought over a stack of family photos and I can see that she's always had a mad, aggressive, velociraptor look in her eyes. Baaaaaaah.

Is your MIL on any other medication.
A friend who's had cancer is on a medication which blocks oestrogen and it's made her very snappy, grumpy and rather detached.

No, she's not on that. Although that's interesting. I have a relative who refused to take her estrogen blockers after breast cancer. She's already grumpy and detached though.

I just decided I can't eat any more microwave ready meals. Dashed off a volley of frustrated, angry texts to DH. Then thought better of it and deleted them all before he could see them.

Instead, took action: went to the butcher, bought chicken and vegetables. Planning on absolutely smothering it all in paprika, chili and garlic.

Came back to questioning about where had I gone, why had I gone to the shop. I said I've put on a stone and must diet. Quite obviously bollocks but past caring now.

I think, by this point, even if she had behaved nicely, I would be going insane purely from having someone else in the house virtually all of the time. Cannot even go to the shop without this weird sub-aggressive questioning.

Maybe I'm now being deliberately obtuse and making things worse again, but oh well.

@cwoffeee

Instead, took action: went to the butcher, bought chicken and vegetables. Planning on absolutely smothering it all in paprika, chili and garlic.

Sounds delicious. If they don't like it your DP can make them scrambled egg on toasted or microwave whatever ready meal you've already got. 🌹

I've just had my mil stay for 4 nights and I was ready to push her off a cliff by the time I finally got her onto her train home. She talks, constantly. Not a conversation, you understand. Just a vacuous babble of words with no continuity, no theme, a billion repeated soundbites and no interest in any replies. No interest in doing anything, doesn't lift a finger to make herself a cuppa even, and is a plain eater so I cook separate meals so we can still have food with flavour lol
But she's good natured, enjoys a bit of a laugh and is 85 years old so gets a pass for being a bit of an awkward sod, and I STILL found 4 nights too long.
3 weeks with the personality you're dealing with is absolute torture. My utter sympathies.

Can hear her on the phone kicking off to someone else about spending so much on ready meals that I won't eat. Even though we did actually agree, several times, that I would cook fresh fish and veg tomorrow. As I said, in one ear and out the other! Also apparently totally unbothered that I'm less than three metres away from her.

Good natured? Enjoys a laugh? That's the dream, @CocoapuffPuff ! Yes also lots of wittering here. I have to take part in the wittering or she gets the hump.

I really would have to interject on her phone conversation (so that she really does know that her voice carries) saying "Did you tell them that I was utterly fed up to the back teeth of having bland food every evening for my dinner during your visit? You didn't?? Why ever not???" or something to that effect.

Wait, she's bitching about your hosting whilst you're right there???

Fecks sake OP, pack her bags and drop her off at a hotel. Or rather, get your DH to do that. That's unacceptable. Ungrateful cow.

@CocoapuffPuff Yesterday evening, when DP came home from work, I heard her say to him, aghast, 'do you come home to all THIS every night?'

'This' being a couple of plates and one frying pan on the kitchen counter. That I left to wash up later as I had a busy day. Working. She thinks I'm slovenly, clearly.

She is very bored. I feel a little sorry for her, but I wouldn't have left my mother on her own for a week in another country. She could go do things but won't go out in the rain - or if it might rain. (No, she's not frail.)

I thought about taking a day off this week to drive her somewhere, but then I heard that little comment last night. Nah.

(Did DP defend me? Point out that I was working? Say it's only a couple of fucking plates? Not really. He just mumbled that no, he doesn't.)

Just started doing Yoga With Adriene again, and it's really sorting me out. Also a good reason to not have to go and immediately do chit-chat once I've finished a day of meetings and work.

Nah, you're right. Do your days work, then go out till later in the evening. Go to the library, find a cafe and read for an hour, go for a swim...anything to not be home before your DH. Make it very clear to him that you'll feed his visitors their evening meal but that's it. After cooking, go for a bath or a long chat with an old friend that's private so you will take the call in your bedroom with the door shut, thank you very much. Or go out, meet a pal for a walk. Whatever it takes to get away from this unpleasant person. She's your DHs problem, not yours.

If she was that bothered by the dishes, why didn't SHE wash them up?

Can you have a sudden work meeting for 2 days somewhere in a luxury hotel?

Just be on count down of days till she goes 🙏

OP, seriously, why are you allowing her to slag you off in your own home? If I heard someone I was hosting make a derogatory remark about me, they would either be apologising profusely and promising not to do it again, or they'd be leaving within the hour. It's completely unacceptable.

Why would/or should a business stump up to finance a family spat.

What a bizarre suggestion!

OP has her own business

She is very bored. I feel a little sorry for her, but I wouldn't have left my mother on her own for a week in another country. She could go do things but won't go out in the rain - or if it might rain. (No, she's not frail.)

This is so funny - mine was the same. I would also add windy and very sunny to that.
She was early 50s when I met her (which I am now) and I find it more bizarre. She wouldn’t go anywhere that involved walking a few steps, unless she liked the place and then she was fine.

DH needs to take time off and entertain her. Too much of thinking that because you are both women you automatically enjoy each others company.

I do have my own business but can't afford that, and need all my IT kit anyway. Lovely idea, wish I could!

I've just come home with fresh salmon (which she asked me to cook), plus a magazine.

Breezily said 'I've got some fish, and I got Vogue, it was only £2, I'll leave it here if you'd like to read it? Are you doing anything nice today?'

Got a sulky 'No. I'll just try to stay out of your way' in return. Plus some grouching about a single pot left on the stove overnight.

I don't lack assertiveness. In fact, I have been known to be too assertive, frankly. But I just can't be arsed!

Thought some previous posters were being a bit harsh on DP but now I think you're probably right. Utterly stupid of him to invite her for three weeks and fuck off back to work halfway through.

I do feel a bit less stressed physically though. Sleeping better, mouth ulcers have gone.

Sadly I can't go anywhere else.

And yet, and yet, the usually calm and collected DH who is her son has sloped off leaving you to deal with his mother while you are stuck WFH. It is not so unusual for people who claim to be calm and that everything will work out because, yes, they slope off and avoid any flack.

You absolutely have yourself a DH problem.

He really needs to step up either to spend time with her to run interference for you or let her know that she needs to leave you alone.

Why do women so often let men avoid unpleasantness like this?

Thought some previous posters were being a bit harsh on DP but now I think you're probably right. Utterly stupid of him to invite her for three weeks and fuck off back to work halfway through.

Yes, this. I think the sweetest tempered woman in the world might struggle a little travelling thousands of miles to see her son and meet his wife (presumably it’s been a few years since she saw him?) after having cancer treatment, and for him to fuck off back to work halfway through.

She should be grumbling to him, not you, absolutely, but he hasn’t behaved great!

How many days left OP?

Can you stay in your office even more and interact even less? A good morning, how are you, then work and out for coffee for breaks, “have to pop out” and no other explanations. Keep away from her altogether apart from that. Only socialise if you want when your DH comes home and he is present? She sounds worse and worse “do you come home to this every night?” indeed! She really does sound bonkers/nasty. I’m curious, do you think there a name for what she has or might have do you think, like a condition ? It sounds so unusual to be that rude. 60 would be very young for dementia and I’m not sure they behave like that anyway plus she was somewhat similar when your DH was growing up.

But as I said before, count your lucky starts she lives so far away and you will never have to deal with anything like this ever again. In a way, it’s given you a great insight and you won’t waste your time and energy in the future in her, so every cloud…

So tell her to go home.

1. MIL lives in Australia/NZ
2. She is DH's guest primarily, it's not up to OP to boot her out

Who invited her?. Did she ask to visit yours for such a length of time?.

The problem op has is that her husband is very afraid of his mother and still seeks her approval, approval she will never give him. His inertia re his mother along with his fear obligation and guilt further plays into her hands. He I think knew how his mother is and hoped against experience that she would behave better in their home. Unsurprisingly this has not happened and in turn has now returned to work also to get away from his mother. This sort of scenario has played out many times in such dysfunctional family units.