Hellish MIL visit... how to respond?!

[cwoffeee]

Wow, what a novel theme for a thread.

Anyway. Try to keep it short. My MIL is here for three weeks. Which is already a bonkers amount of time. I thought my partner was taking the full three weeks off to spend with her, but he's just gone back to work, halfway through. I am self-employed but took last week off to spend loads of time with her. She knew I would need to work the rest of the time.

Problem is, she is utterly negative about everything, extremely passive-aggressive and seems to find a reason to have a massive strop every couple of days. I had no idea she was like this. She seemed nice and cheerful on the phone! I expected her to come here, enjoy the lovely small city we live in, pitch in to help with the odd bit of washing up and just generally enjoy all the fun things we had planned.

The current strop is that I didn't talk to her yesterday while I was working at home (tucked away in my little office). I am on a very pressurised job this week, it's stressful and I have actually been through a lot lately. My father almost died three weeks ago, which she knows. But I have been cheerful, welcoming and relaxed. Because I was looking forward to her visit.

There's loads I could write but she seems to take everything extremely personally (like me going for a short walk after work to decompress), everything is a big drama (literally things like forgetting milk and popping to the corner shop) and every day is full of snide little remarks and sulking, if not actual tears. She cannot seem to understand that anyone else has needs or responsibilities. She also seems to be upset that my house/tastes are not like hers.

It's not solely aimed at me. She accused my partner of not spending time with her. He had spent all day with her, and was simply cooking in the kitchen for an hour.

I'm trying to be kind but it's getting hard to be kind. I'm not used to this level of drama and don't know how to deal with it. My response is to ignore – because I don't want things to go nuclear.

She had chemotherapy last year and my partner is saying it seems to have triggered personality changes – but I know that her own mother was just like this.

Argh.

@cwoffeee

I'm starting to feel quite ill from the stress, the negativity in the house. Headaches, mouth ulcers, sleeping badly. Ten more days!!

Your partner may be mortified and upset, but he needs to balance his feelings, his mother's wants/needs with yours. Does he know how you are being affected as you've described, above? He really needs to take some action here to protect you too, not just talk to her (she doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge the effect she's having)!

• Is he able to WFH at all, abstained the pressure off you?
• how is it she was invited for three weeks(!!) but he only booked holiday for half that time? Was that discussed between you and agreed?

If he can't WFH he needs to seriously consider her going home earlier, even if he has to tell her that, unfortunately, will now not be at home because of work issues that have come up for you and he'll take her home. 🌹

I thought my partner was taking the full three weeks off to spend with her, but he's just gone back to work, halfway through
There it is, the source of the problem. That’s why she’s there moaning that you “hate her” because you shut your office door for a Teams call. I’m afraid a LOT of people don’t understand that when you WFH you are actually at work, and not available to them. Even people who should know better.
He was absolutely wrong to go back to work early, leaving her with you while you’re working. He needs to understand how out of order this was.
For now, if you can’t send her home this is a case of ignoring her as much as possible and making it very clear to your husband that this will never happen again.

I'm sorry for your loss. Her lack of understanding is disgraceful but typical of narcissistic mothers. Read up on the topic, learn as much as you can to protect yourself. Your partner is stuck in FOG, his mother doesn't understand that he is a human being with his own life, likes and dislikes. In order to get him back in line her behaviour will get worse and worse (yes, I know that makes no sense).
If you have children with this man, and he hasn't understood the truth about his mother, she will make life hell.
I'd suggest both of you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
It'll give you a gentle introduction to the hell that is having a narcissist parent.

She is clearly mad as a hatter, in the most unpleasant attention-seeking way.

I suppose you will have to endure. Just make it best for yourself. Be civil, polite. BUT Keep clear of her literally as much as you can. Blame an ongoing crisis at work. Or make up a friend being ill, one you have to keep visiting. Anything. Use your imagination,
like a short story plot line.

Then VOW to yourself and your husband she is NEVER EVER welxome to stay again, not even one night. Then stick to it like glue. Give any reason eg working 7 days a week, your health, whatever. She’ll get the message after a while and it will become the new normal.

Also pp suggestion that work has become all encompassing a good idea to send her home early, I agree with that!

Why 3 weeks in the first place? It’s quite an unusually long time. But anyway maybe a godsend as you see her clearly now.

Who invited her?. Was this a joint decision on your part or was this really led by his toxic mother ?.

Thought so re his parents and background. He needs therapy re his mother.

Her intentions were always to get you two to run around after her and otherwise wait on her hand and foot and be ungrateful at the same time.

i also note without surprise that she can turn on the tears, yet more manipulation from her.

We cannot send her off early. Too expensive, too far away. On the plus side, it means she'll soon be back on the other side of the world! NEVER AGAIN. I've also been reassured that I never, ever need to visit her.

^ just read your update. Sounds brilliant. Just a case of finding a way to make this 10 days work? Any ideas

@Mostlycarbon has a point too. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Or you just stay in your office all the time apart from trips to local coffee houses/walks etc. Literally physically avoid her. Just say with big grimace 😬 and exaggerated shock smile “crisis at work, all hands on deck”. Your DH will have to pick up the slack and entertain her the rest of the time?

He knows full well what his mother is like, but chose to deliberately mislead you about his time off during her visit.
He is dishonest and this won't be the last time you see this side of him.
He is happy to allow this to distress you to such an extent that YOU are now unwell.
He has behaved appallingly towards you, by allowing this to continue.
This is who HE is.
Someone who misleads and lies by omission, to suit himself.
Good men do not do this.
You have been warned.

And count your lucky stars ✨ she lives SO far away!

Boundaries! She won’t like it. Too bad. I know that’s easy to say and less easy to do. So, ‘today this is happening, I’m working until….and going for my walk after. What will you be doing? The cafes are that way, shops here. You could help out if you wish (assuming you’d want that)’ You’ll get flouncing and sulking. Tough. Your house your rules.

No, we haven't met before tbh I wouldn't risk hosting anyone for 3 weeks if I had never met them.
Your DH should certainly be around if he was party to inviting his Mother. Can you go and stay elsewhere so they can spend time together, or DH can take his Mother to a hotel for her final week here and reminisce, it sounds like he won't see much more of her.

My exMIL was like this. My then husband actively did nothing to protect me from her. He said the reasoning for that was to protect his inheritance but in reality it is because he knew what she was like and knew there would be repercussions. So it was okay for his wife to suffer ...

@cwoffeee This woman's behaviour is intentional. She doesn't have any trouble taking anything in, she's choosing to ignore it so everything can be on her terms. Don't worry about displeasing or offending her, she doesn't want to be pleased.

Re your father nearly dying (I hope he's in a much better place now ), she won't like that because he was getting attention that could have been used for her ...

This is who she is. This is who raised your husband. I truly hope the cycle ended with her.

If there's no other option to avoid her for the rest of her time with you I would advise you look up grey rock and use that with her.

Ten more days. Seems like a long time, but given that there is little choice I would try to tough it out. From now on, consider this a work to rule. Its up to DH to deal with her, to find entertainment for her, etc.

That said. you know what she is like now, so further horrid comments shouldn't be a surprise and therefore shouldn't be as wounding. YOu have done your best and You are not responsible for her adverse feelings.

Effectively be polite but disinvest yourself emotionally is the way to protect yourself. Nothing you do makes her happy anyway. So stop worrying about that and just accept that she will continue to be miserable whatever efforts you make.

Obviously still treat her with common decency, but stop worrying about her reactions. Effectively you have to drastically lower your expectations of her. You were expecting a nice friendly person, but you've got a paranoid sulky one instead. Don't let guilt over not being able to keep her happy increase your stress. Ten days is too short a time to effect any change whatsoever and its unlikely that she will change anyway. Maybe she is one of those personalities that lives to complain and doesn't even realise it is a complaint but thinks its just general conversation. I'd feel sorry for her that she lacks the basic empathy to communicate with you and instead of building a rewarding relationship, she choses to exercise her resentful sulking muscle instead. When the next episode begins, just try to think what a pity it is for her to have this personality and attitude, since its her loss.

EG. If she's sitting in the kitchen sulking. Brightly and Cheerily talk about the weather, the news anything neutral for 3 mins and then go back to your office and finish your work.
You know she will complain, so what? Whatever hoops she expects you to immediately jump through to fix this, just Ignore it by acknowledging but in a bright breezy way.. "Oh dear, "Im so sorry you feel that way what would you suggest?" make her find the solution, or "Yes, that is unfortunate its raining but that's this area for you." Ensure continuous and massive delicious cake supply - "especially for you dear MIL." She doesn't like the food, show her the Uber Eats app and tell her to order whatever she wants.

Maybe you could have a few days out to visit your father or go into the office to work ( or say you are!)

3 weeks ??? expensive or not, send her home for heavens sake !!!

I would go and stay with your dad (parents?) for the rest of the visit and just tell her that you're needed there atm.

I hope your partner is taking some more time off

One on one time with his mother might help

If she lives on the other side of the world and is having cognitive difficulties, it's very likely that the change of location has confused and stressed her. Not coping with being outside her normal home environment was the first sign we had about my MIL's condition.

It would also explain why your mil can't manage to take herself out into town on her own. She may have lost confidence in her abilities, or struggle with her sense of direction.

Make it clear each evening, what you will be doing the next day and then stick to it.
Ignore her drama-queening and self indulgent whining. If you need peace to work, move to the local library, or work from a friend's house.

Remove yourself from her contact. She is your partner's problem not yours. He needs to make time for her.

Why on earth did your DH only book half the time off and let you take the exact same time? Either you each take 10 days, maybe overlapping one, or he takes her whole visit.

Honestly, if I was visiting my son from the other side of the world for the first time since his marriage and he didn’t take more time off, I would be quite miffed. I hope I wouldn’t be a cow about it but I wouldn’t be pleased, ESPECIALLY if he had indicated otherwise (as he seemed to do to you, OP, so perhaps he did to MIL as well)

I would want to be told upfront and then perhaps say “ok, I’ll do ten days with you, a week in a spa hotel/walking holiday/downton abbey tour in the cotswolds then I will come back to you for the final weekend”

She sounds depressed? I've noticed my mum behaving like this (sometimes she's just plain vile). I think there's two things 1) she's suffering from anxiety and depression I think
2) her world is smaller now she's retired and she's become really inflexible/ set in her ways

For example, she likes a cup of tea first thing in the morning. I have a stove top kettle - which she doesn't like. So she waits for me to boil the water for her and make her tea. I have two young kids and by the time I've fed / dressed them, she's in a bad mood. Or if we come home and put the kids to bed before dinner and she complains because she's hungry. Despite the fact there's a whole kitchen of food she can have to snack on. Or she doesn't like the time my daughter goes to bed and says we are pandering to her by letting her stay later than she's like. It's honestly like having another child that likes to spit the dummy.

She was a working professional woman but she seems to have forgotten what it's like completely. She wants to be 'hosted' by us but we can't do this with 2 young kids. Their needs come ahead of hers.

I think 4 days / 3 nights is the absolute maximum time we can spend together. If we had a huge house it would be better - but we don't.

My MIL is like this. The last time I saw her before deciding never to see her again, dp had been supposed to take time off work but worked the whole week leaving me at her beck and call and mercy.
He should entertain her, not you and she shouldn’t be in your house making digs and sulking for 3 whole weeks.
My MIL used to storm off when she felt it was time to go. She could never just leave because she fancied going home, it had to be dramatic. Hopefully your MIL will sulk so hard she decides to go.
If I were you, I wouldn’t have her to stay again as she can’t behave herself.

Most definitely do this once she leaves.

In the meantime, I'd actually try to reschedule some work so that you can work in the mornings and give her some of your time in the afternoons for the remainder of her visit.

I'd also suggest to her going forwards (again when she has returned to her home and you're chatting with her) that she clearly wasn't enjoying staying in your home so perhaps the next visit (if there is to be one) is one where she stays in your town/city at a hotel and can enjoy the guest accommodations there.

Did she not come to your wedding if you’ve never met her before? That’s a very long visit to host someone if you haven’t met them. Your partner needs to come home and take her out etc
he needs to explain you’re working and will all be together at the weekend.