Hellish MIL visit... how to respond?!

[cwoffeee]

Wow, what a novel theme for a thread.

Anyway. Try to keep it short. My MIL is here for three weeks. Which is already a bonkers amount of time. I thought my partner was taking the full three weeks off to spend with her, but he's just gone back to work, halfway through. I am self-employed but took last week off to spend loads of time with her. She knew I would need to work the rest of the time.

Problem is, she is utterly negative about everything, extremely passive-aggressive and seems to find a reason to have a massive strop every couple of days. I had no idea she was like this. She seemed nice and cheerful on the phone! I expected her to come here, enjoy the lovely small city we live in, pitch in to help with the odd bit of washing up and just generally enjoy all the fun things we had planned.

The current strop is that I didn't talk to her yesterday while I was working at home (tucked away in my little office). I am on a very pressurised job this week, it's stressful and I have actually been through a lot lately. My father almost died three weeks ago, which she knows. But I have been cheerful, welcoming and relaxed. Because I was looking forward to her visit.

There's loads I could write but she seems to take everything extremely personally (like me going for a short walk after work to decompress), everything is a big drama (literally things like forgetting milk and popping to the corner shop) and every day is full of snide little remarks and sulking, if not actual tears. She cannot seem to understand that anyone else has needs or responsibilities. She also seems to be upset that my house/tastes are not like hers.

It's not solely aimed at me. She accused my partner of not spending time with her. He had spent all day with her, and was simply cooking in the kitchen for an hour.

I'm trying to be kind but it's getting hard to be kind. I'm not used to this level of drama and don't know how to deal with it. My response is to ignore – because I don't want things to go nuclear.

She had chemotherapy last year and my partner is saying it seems to have triggered personality changes – but I know that her own mother was just like this.

Argh.

Yes, that's a bit odd? Also I don't think she can say 'never again' or she'll never visit her. That's not fair to prohibit her relationship with her son. The answer is alternative accommodation when visiting.

Yes book her a hotel!

Go stay with your dad for a bit, it’s been a very worrying time for you and your dad.

Chemo can trigger cognitive changes in the brain, maybe worth considering as she seems to not be retaining information. Not an excuse for everything but perhaps she is struggling to cope and this is how it is manifesting.

@Pickledprawn said exactly what I was going to say. Chemo does cause long-term cognitive and physical damage, particularly if she had several high doses. If her treatment was only a year ago, she is probaby also still trying to come to terms with the diagnosis, how her life has changed, the treatment itself and what it has done to her.

Does she live alone? She might have built the holiday up into something completely different in her mind and can't reconcile that with the reality. In the same way that she's invented the notion you'd get angry at her using your kitchen. Maybe she has no one/few people to bounce ideas off, so once an idea gets in her head, it stays there and magnifies.

Some women struggle when the dynamic changes and there is another main woman in their offspring’s life. Hits home more when they visit and see it with their own eyes hence the nitpicking at your home.
If you cannot suggest she leaves as it’s obviously not a pleasant situation for anyone then just ignore. You need to work? Just work. Close the door. Do you. You’re not responsible for another persons every emotion and reaction. And next time, if there is one, maybe just do a couple of days making sure DP is free.

I wonder if it's some kind of unfulfilled need from childhood.
Perhaps your MIL's parents didn't pay attention to her when she was a child?

Imagine to be in a relationship with such a needy person!

Again, as OP didn’t realise her DH wasn’t taking the full time off, it is perfectly possible that MIL also thought her DS would be taking the full time off and that the fault is largely with DH for not being clear.

The OP said that her father had nearly died, not that he had.

Some good points about chemo etc.

Yes, I think both mother and son are quite perplexed at how the other has changed and grown older.

I do have sympathy for her – especially because she has calmed down remarkably in the last few days. Still on edge waiting for a meltdown though.

No, my father hasn't died. Physically ok but it's a wonder he's still here. That's a whole other basket of batshit!

DP is pretty good really. Just a big misjudgment re this visit. I naively thought it would be fine too.

Just one more week. My whole body aches! So much work on too! And I miss eating my normal food! Oh my god, what a time. Finding myself quite jealous of the cat. I just want to laze around, be antisocial and lick my butt.

Let this thread (and the hundreds of others) be a warning to anyone daft enough to agree to three-week family visits from those they have never met...

Do you think she has any sympathy, let alone empathy here, for you both?. No.

You feel sympathy towards her because you’re a kind and empathetic person but she is not either. You’re still on edge waiting for her to have a meltdown. Emotionally healthy people do not act as his mother has done here and your H was economical with the truth re his mother and how she is in terms of personality.

You wrote that your now Hs childhood was full of his parents arguing, shouting and sulking. Her behaviour now is therefore solely unlikely to be caused by previous chemo treatment. Your Hs inertia when it’s come to his mother simply hurts him as well as you. given his background it’s no wonder he is mired in a fear, obligation and guilt state when it comes to his mother.

Do eat your normal food. I presume it’s because of his mother this is not happening at present.

@AttilaTheMeerkat No, she doesn't, I don't think. She used to work, but the idea of us feeling work pressure, well, it doesn't make any sense to her. It's like we're worried about our homework being late.

She is extremely stuck in her ways. She is also a bit perplexed by our mindset of being basically considerate to each other. At home, she would have no issue being rude to shop staff, for example, and is even quite proud of this attitude.

I have held back on some of the details but yes, DP definitely feeling guilt. Example: I was not aware that they are very religious and insist on saying grace while holding hands. I went along with it first couple of meals, out of pure bemusement, then thought hang on, this is my house, my fucking table! I'm not getting railroaded into this! I clasped my hands and looked straight ahead. DP inadvertently hissed 'noooo!' across the table. Whether at me or them, I don't know. He doesn't even remember doing it.

I cook a lot of Asian-inspired food but they only like bland stuff. I would cook my own delicious healthy food but frankly I am so exhausted I'm just going along with bland dinners right now.

In a slightly perverse way, I'm coping with it right now because I know that next week I am going to enjoy my own house, life, routine SO MUCH. I've always been a grateful person but bloody hell I will enjoy it all even more.

@cwoffeee

I cook a lot of Asian-inspired food but they only like bland stuff. I would cook my own delicious healthy food but frankly I am so exhausted I'm just going along with bland dinners right now.

Maybe buy in some of the Asian inspired food online you enjoy (either quality ready meals - check Cook or M&S). Have them delivered and put in your freezer until you want them. Or order in a good takeaway for yourself whilst you also prepare the food they like. BTW does your partner cook when he comes home for all of you? 🌹

Also OP, can you book some time out just for yourself (maybe in the company of someone who's relaxed and you enjoy - not necessarily your partner) and go away for a long pampering weekend? Somewhere you can have some deep, professional massage, swim, eat good food you've not had to plan or cook, etc as a reset following these weeks that have not been positive for you... 🌹

@Newestname002 I definitely deserve a massage! And a reset. Been living unhealthily for a month now, due to all the different stressful stuff going on. I'm usually very healthy. I've aged about a decade. Or it feels like that.

Can't quite do a weekend. Would quite like to enjoy my own house in peace! Maybe a home visit from a massage therapist. Ahh, am melting at the thought of it.

How old is she?

The dementia concern doesn't seem to fit with someone who is able to get themselves to the other side of the world, on their own.

3 weeks staying with you is insanity. My DD and her H live half way across the world. We are going to visit soon and have booked an apartment that's about a ten minute walk from theirs! Certainly won't be in their pockets, they have jobs for a start!

Yeah mine would come, complain if you took her out, complain if you didn’t. Unhappy every single thing was not exactly the same as her house including meals. Acted like it was illegal for her to touch anything in the kitchen so wouldn’t make herself a drink.
Would go mental if I went out alone. Went out shopping with a friend and she was furious.
I just stopped making an effort with meals (which I think she secretly enjoyed) and told DH he needed to entertain/organise her time - he’s a bit useless so they would do nothing.
I know her last visit was very boring but really it wasn’t my problem I’d given up trying for her to be unsatisfied.

Acted like it was illegal for her to touch anything in the kitchen so wouldn’t make herself a drink.

Yes, @GOTBrienne I have come into the kitchen to find her with pure fear in her eyes, asking if she is allowed to make some toast.

The point is not that I'm some sort of territorial kitchen dragon. I'm not. But she is, and this is why I will never, ever stay in her house.

I have come into the kitchen to find her with pure fear in her eyes, asking if she is allowed to make some toast

I shouldn’t laugh but that did make me laugh for some reason!

Three weeks is a long time. My MIL is the nicest, most chilled MIL ever but even we were clashing by the end of three weeks.

@Blondiebeachbabe She's 60, and that's a fair point re the travelling.

Although they both seem to see themselves as Very Old. One of my (older) relatives met them and said 'god, they made me feel young!'

Blimey! She's only 6 years older than me. I guess I could age a lot in the next years, but jeezo, I hope not! Me and DH still go away a few times a year, and are often the last in the night club 😅I have friends who are 60, who are nothing like this at all, they are still doing festivals and hikes etc. Maybe this is a her thing, not an age thing? Either way, it sounds insufferable!

Sounds like start of dementia to me. Carbon copy of my grandmother

I think your DH needs to get some more time off work for the last week whatever way he can. That way he can take the strain.

Oh OP, that sounds truly nightmarish! In fact, I posted on here after my M-I-L stayed over Christmas and created an enormous fuss just after my own dear mother had died. Lots of really useful advice from other mumsnetters.

Most of it was to go no contact, and I have. I can't tell you the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders whilst grieving for my mum by not having to deal with her.

You really need to tell your partner to deal with her, as she is his mum and therefore his responsibility.