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Original poster

Since he mentioned 3some I want to date other men

108 replies

Clararoseblue32 · 13/05/2024 19:35

Ok so here goes.
No judgement please .
I am curious about my thoughts, feelings & actions right now , more as a psychological aspect.

I'm trying to decifer what exactly is going on with myself , trying to be open & analysing why I am all of a sudden thinking & feeling this way so please only answer if you have a non judgemental, open mind , thanks in advance :)

So I have been seeing a man for about 8 months, all seems to be going very well.
He really is one of the kindest , respectful , sweetest, funny & gentle men I have ever met.
We get on very well & see each other regularly.
He has always been consistent and solid, no game playing , very straight forward and everything I have wanted.

We go on proper dates , daytime and evening and spent quality time together, not just a sexual relationship.

Three weeks ago we talked about fantasies he said his was a threesome, me , him and another woman.
I know alot of men have this fantasy so I wasnt that surprised, we had quite a bit to drink that evening & I said to him that I am not against the idea for maybe in the future.

The next time I saw him a few days later he brought it up sober and said can I send you a link to the swingers site, I said yeh ok I'll take a look.

Two days after that he said he had set up a profile , could we take a photo and verify ourselves.

Initially I was a bit taken back with how quickly things were moving forward but I agreed and said theres no rush we can just see what's out there and chat for now, he agreed and said yes of course absolutely no rush.

We got quite a bit of attention on the site , I actually have found it quite fun and liberating, also a bit of a turn on.

A woman has now said she is interested in meeting us , he has said it's only if your comfortable in doing that or we wont do it , at the time I said yes as I am very curious and again it's kind of turning me on, bi curious myself.

We havent met her yet, were planning to in the next few weeks & it will just be for a drink & go our separate ways , then discuss with each other as a couple how we both feel about going forward.

So something I have noticed about myself is I am pulling back from him the last week or so.
I cant help it and I'm not sure why I am doing it ?! I'm not messaging him so much, I am feeling less emotions for him, almost now looking at him like hes a friend and not a boyfriend.
I even noticed after we spent the weekend together I was less affectionate, almost involuntary, just not kissing him or hugging him much.

It's all very hard to explain. I keep asking myself what's going on? I'm feeling way less attached to him now. Like my feelings for him are changing and I was really into him before, I even thought I was falling in love with him before all this talk about 3somes and now I just feel a bit bla , like I can take or leave him.

The most concerning part for me ( as I am a monogamous partner when in a relationship) is that I have had fleeting thoughts of sleeping with other men, thoughts about dating other men, chatting to other men and meeting other men. I would never of had any of these thoughts pre 3some talk!!

I wouldn't go ahead with it, I'm not a cheat & I was hoping it would pass.

Today a man I went on a date with previous to my current relationship sent me a fb friend request, I havent accepted it, I didnt really find this other man a very good match for me when I went on a date with him but today I feel like I want to message him, meet up and having thoughts of having sex with him!! ... again I wouldnt go through with it .

What on earth is going on with me? If anyone could shed some light or has experienced anything like this before please help?!

Also shall I tell him what's going on with me? I think he noticed I was less affectionate this weekend, he did say are u ok? At one point.

OP posts:
EthnoBotanist · 13/05/2024 19:37

Chinny reckon

Original poster
Clararoseblue32 · 13/05/2024 19:38

EthnoBotanist · 13/05/2024 19:37

Chinny reckon

What do you mean?

OP posts:
DustyFire · 13/05/2024 19:41

I think it’s totally normal to have these feelings, especially in the early stages of thinking outside monogamy. It’s almost as if, “well, if that’s possible, what about this?”

It doesn’t make you a bad person or a cheat. It’s just got you thinking, that’s all.

mybeautifulhorse · 13/05/2024 19:42

If this is true, I think the whole threesome 'bi curious' thing is a bit of a fantasy for you and that's as far as you would take it. He is pushing to make it a reality and that's given you the ick, as well it might.

MrsElsa · 13/05/2024 19:43

Well what are you seeing him for? I mean literally what are you wanting. It's fine to shag around if you want to. I could understand if you've never casually dated it is a new idea. Bed hoppers anonymous as it were. No need to pretend.

something2say · 13/05/2024 19:43

I think - you thought this man was a keeper but now he has revealed that he may not be the sort of keeper you had in mind.

If you think that women get pregnant and need to be protected by a stable strong mate - and then think, well this man wants to sleep with other women as well as me - so he is not stable or strong or going to stick around and protect me when I cannot run away - now you can see why you are suddenly turned off him and looking elsewhere.

ChChChChihuhua · 13/05/2024 19:44

You're feeling this way because he's told you that you're worthless to him.
That you're nothing more than a sexual thrill and he wants to have sex with another woman whilst with you.

You were falling in love with him but now you see he has no respect for you and is happy to pass you about for his own pleasure.

Walk away from him.

Original poster
Clararoseblue32 · 13/05/2024 19:44

mybeautifulhorse · 13/05/2024 19:42

If this is true, I think the whole threesome 'bi curious' thing is a bit of a fantasy for you and that's as far as you would take it. He is pushing to make it a reality and that's given you the ick, as well it might.

This is what I have been thinking today, is it that he is in such a rush to move all this threesome stuff forward that it has given me the ick? Or maybe I'm self sabotaging to protect myself? And yes this is very true. Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
category12 · 13/05/2024 19:45

Sounds like you're going off him.

He's pushing this > you're less into him and thinking about other blokes > so you know, it seems like you don't really want the path he's leading you down and you're disengaging. Which is fair enough.

Original poster
Clararoseblue32 · 13/05/2024 19:46

MrsElsa · 13/05/2024 19:43

Well what are you seeing him for? I mean literally what are you wanting. It's fine to shag around if you want to. I could understand if you've never casually dated it is a new idea. Bed hoppers anonymous as it were. No need to pretend.

Were in a relationship, weve had the exclusivity talk. If that's what you meant?

OP posts:
Original poster
Clararoseblue32 · 13/05/2024 19:47

something2say · 13/05/2024 19:43

I think - you thought this man was a keeper but now he has revealed that he may not be the sort of keeper you had in mind.

If you think that women get pregnant and need to be protected by a stable strong mate - and then think, well this man wants to sleep with other women as well as me - so he is not stable or strong or going to stick around and protect me when I cannot run away - now you can see why you are suddenly turned off him and looking elsewhere.

Interesting thank you

OP posts:
mangochutneyjar · 13/05/2024 19:47

I think it's pretty obvious that his super keen zealous search for another woman for a threesome has turned you right off. It would me too, and thats not because I am sexually unadventurous, its because its still quite early for him to be pushing that option and its coming across as a bit... well, desperate.

I think you should explore other options and other men and dont just go along with it unless you are 100% into the idea of a threesome. If you arent fully into it, it will be a disaster

Original poster
Clararoseblue32 · 13/05/2024 19:48

ChChChChihuhua · 13/05/2024 19:44

You're feeling this way because he's told you that you're worthless to him.
That you're nothing more than a sexual thrill and he wants to have sex with another woman whilst with you.

You were falling in love with him but now you see he has no respect for you and is happy to pass you about for his own pleasure.

Walk away from him.

Yes , maybe this is it too. I have felt very disheartened the last few days.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/05/2024 19:48

Well, he's not committed to you and sees you as a way for him to get something better that he's previously wanked to. i can see how that might put you off and start you wondering about the possibilities for you out there in terms of a man who doesn't see you as a thing, rather than a human being.

Alicewinn · 13/05/2024 19:49

That is an interesting response. Do you think you might be into women and he has given you permission?

Deargodletitgo · 13/05/2024 19:49

I've been in a similar situation and it's you sub consciously emotionally pulling away because you no longer feel safe emotionally with him

You thought this was a one on one exclusive relationship, and while the 3sum may be only a sexual encounter you have taken this as him not being only interested in you exclusively.

category12 · 13/05/2024 19:50

And if you're genuinely bi-curious, how come you've never explored that until some bloke wants you to?

It's one thing having it in your head as a fantasy, quite another to act on it.

solice84 · 13/05/2024 19:51

You're not as comfortable with what he is pushing as you're making out to be and this is your sub-conscious way of protecting yourself
I've been having issues with my partner and a female friend of his in that I feel the friendship is inappropriate. Without actually purposely doing it I've found myself pulling away from him , making plans with friends in my spare time instead of with him and any thoughts of further commitments such as moving in together have gone out the window . And yes I've even thought about chatting to other men etc but I won't .
I really do think for you and me both it's because we're on the fence with how we feel at the moment and it's the minds way of dealing with it .

DustyFire · 13/05/2024 19:52

Actually, I’ll add to mine, in light of you saying you feel disheartened, that I agree with some PPs. Maybe you’re going off him because you don’t want this in the slightest. I don’t agree that swinging or non-monogamy is bad or cheapens a relationship, but you have to both want it. The amount of couples on swingers’ sites with ‘straight man/bi-curious woman’ is miserable. Seems very obvious that it’s the man wanting an MFF threesome.

NotAgainWilson · 13/05/2024 19:53

My view is that the extra attention you attracted in the new site may be making you wonder if there is someone or many others out there better than him. Or it may be that by his threesome request he has freed you to explore your bi side and now he is no longer enough.

If this is the case… just remember that you get a lot of attention on your first days online, whether this is a dating site or Rightmove.com, so don’t write him off just yet.

LieutOliviaBenson · 13/05/2024 19:53

mybeautifulhorse · 13/05/2024 19:42

If this is true, I think the whole threesome 'bi curious' thing is a bit of a fantasy for you and that's as far as you would take it. He is pushing to make it a reality and that's given you the ick, as well it might.

I agree with this.

NotAgainWilson · 13/05/2024 19:57

Or actually… just write him off if you feel like it. You don’t need to find a reason to walk away, if his enthusiasm for a threesome is turning you off, that’s fine, move on, it is ok, people get the ick for less than that.

ChChChChihuhua · 13/05/2024 19:58

If you truly are bicurious seek out a woman on your own.

Don't let your first experience be wank fodder for a man that doesn't respect you. If you really want to experiment do it for you, not some bloke.

BeckiWithAnI · 13/05/2024 19:58

Only eight months in and he’s already told you you aren’t enough for him (I notice the addition of another woman in the threesome, not a man). Where can that relationship possibly go?
If you want to experiment I absolutely think you should, but do it outside of a relationship.
While I appreciate some couples swing, most of the time this is after a long marriage with history and foundations that has just gone stale, and even then very few can actually make it work in practice no matter how exciting it sounds at first.
But you are eight months in. You don’t even have foundations, let along strong ones. Just be single and save yourself this heartache.

Original poster
Clararoseblue32 · 13/05/2024 19:59

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/05/2024 19:48

Well, he's not committed to you and sees you as a way for him to get something better that he's previously wanked to. i can see how that might put you off and start you wondering about the possibilities for you out there in terms of a man who doesn't see you as a thing, rather than a human being.

Yes true and I am quite a deep person & I'm now feeling like this is going a bit shallow?

OP posts: