Since he mentioned 3some I want to date other men

[Clararoseblue32]

Ok so here goes.
No judgement please .
I am curious about my thoughts, feelings & actions right now , more as a psychological aspect.

I'm trying to decifer what exactly is going on with myself , trying to be open & analysing why I am all of a sudden thinking & feeling this way so please only answer if you have a non judgemental, open mind , thanks in advance :)

So I have been seeing a man for about 8 months, all seems to be going very well.
He really is one of the kindest , respectful , sweetest, funny & gentle men I have ever met.
We get on very well & see each other regularly.
He has always been consistent and solid, no game playing , very straight forward and everything I have wanted.

We go on proper dates , daytime and evening and spent quality time together, not just a sexual relationship.

Three weeks ago we talked about fantasies he said his was a threesome, me , him and another woman.
I know alot of men have this fantasy so I wasnt that surprised, we had quite a bit to drink that evening & I said to him that I am not against the idea for maybe in the future.

The next time I saw him a few days later he brought it up sober and said can I send you a link to the swingers site, I said yeh ok I'll take a look.

Two days after that he said he had set up a profile , could we take a photo and verify ourselves.

Initially I was a bit taken back with how quickly things were moving forward but I agreed and said theres no rush we can just see what's out there and chat for now, he agreed and said yes of course absolutely no rush.

We got quite a bit of attention on the site , I actually have found it quite fun and liberating, also a bit of a turn on.

A woman has now said she is interested in meeting us , he has said it's only if your comfortable in doing that or we wont do it , at the time I said yes as I am very curious and again it's kind of turning me on, bi curious myself.

We havent met her yet, were planning to in the next few weeks & it will just be for a drink & go our separate ways , then discuss with each other as a couple how we both feel about going forward.

So something I have noticed about myself is I am pulling back from him the last week or so.
I cant help it and I'm not sure why I am doing it ?! I'm not messaging him so much, I am feeling less emotions for him, almost now looking at him like hes a friend and not a boyfriend.
I even noticed after we spent the weekend together I was less affectionate, almost involuntary, just not kissing him or hugging him much.

It's all very hard to explain. I keep asking myself what's going on? I'm feeling way less attached to him now. Like my feelings for him are changing and I was really into him before, I even thought I was falling in love with him before all this talk about 3somes and now I just feel a bit bla , like I can take or leave him.

The most concerning part for me ( as I am a monogamous partner when in a relationship) is that I have had fleeting thoughts of sleeping with other men, thoughts about dating other men, chatting to other men and meeting other men. I would never of had any of these thoughts pre 3some talk!!

I wouldn't go ahead with it, I'm not a cheat & I was hoping it would pass.

Today a man I went on a date with previous to my current relationship sent me a fb friend request, I havent accepted it, I didnt really find this other man a very good match for me when I went on a date with him but today I feel like I want to message him, meet up and having thoughts of having sex with him!! ... again I wouldnt go through with it .

What on earth is going on with me? If anyone could shed some light or has experienced anything like this before please help?!

Also shall I tell him what's going on with me? I think he noticed I was less affectionate this weekend, he did say are u ok? At one point.

😂

You're not as comfortable with what he is pushing as you're making out to be and this is your sub-conscious way of protecting yourself

I've been in a similar situation and it's you sub consciously emotionally pulling away because you no longer feel safe emotionally with him

Agree with both of these. It's funny how the brain works but I have had experience of being totally into someone and then literally overnight that feeling disappearing for very similar reasons. For me personally, I dont like feeling that I am not enough for someone, if they show even a shred of liking someone else- no matter how tiny or insignificant, my desire withers and shrivels into nothing. I reckon it's self protection.

I have explored it briefly in the past, kissed other women and done other things , however I have mostly been attracted to men

People who really love each other don't want their partner to be having sex with someone else.
You feel pushed and manipulated and a bit used I think - you've developed the ick.

And me.

I think that you were quite aroused by the idea of a threesome in theory (why not! In theory it is really sexy!) but don’t actually want to do it in practice.

Which is very normal. I don’t want to do any of my sexual fantasies - most of them are completely impractical for starters and I am very practical. But they are fun to imagine. But if Dh started pushing for one in reality then I would put me right off.

*he brought it up sober and said can I send you a link to the swingers site

Were in a relationship, weve had the exclusivity talk.*

Seems a bit contradictory no?

Maybe

Oh gosh this is so true. I have many fantasies that I like but if DH were to actually suggest we do them I'd be completely turned off, WTF is that about?!

Maybe its because its safe in imagination

I believe that you don’t feel safe to fall deeper in love with him now. Although what he’s said has interested you in some way, you can no longer take him seriously as long term material/ a man that is really into you, and just you. Rather than get jealous and insecure and hurt, you’ve gone the other way which is to start detaching, because subconsciously your brain is telling you he’s no longer safe, and perhaps you don’t respect him/ what you shared, in the same way any longer. As others have said, I think that talk was fantasy to you, but he’s jumped on your drunken chat and pushed ahead with it, and now you’re getting the ick. My bet is that you’ve discounted him in your head as being your future and that if you go ahead with his fantasies it has the potential to cause you a lot of unhappiness.

Thanks for this , interesting were both pulling away subconsciously it seems

I agree with PP. You know deep down that you didn’t sign up for swinging and threesomes and it’s very early for that to be introduced unless you’re naturally polyamorous - which you aren’t.

For me, it’s one thing for a couple who are several years into a very stable and very secure relationship to decide they might want to open up to other opportunities (though it is still not for most people).

It’s quite another when you’re only 8 months in and feeling very loved up to have it powerfully conveyed to you that you alone are not enough. Because that is his message. And that being his message, as PP have said - it makes you doubt what you thought was the truth of your relationship. You thought you’d found someone who truly loved, valued and wanted you as you were. He’s crushed that belief and your heart too. No wonder you’re withdrawing. For all his “niceness”, he’s just massively entitled and a huge disappointment. It might be time for you to walk away.

OP
If you are both comfy/happy with that, why not!!

She obviously isn't 🙄 Hence pulling back from him

Yes I think I agree with both of these statements too. However when we spoke about it again at the weekend he kept saying your more than enough for me, I'm very lucky to even have you , so hes not forcing anything, I think maybe me seeing how keen he is for this to happen very quickly has done something to me that I really wanst expecting as I thought I was keen for this experience too, I still think maybe I am ... but not with him for some reason??!

For me, it’s one thing for a couple who are several years into a very stable and very secure relationship to decide they might want to open up to other opportunities (though it is still not for most people).

It’s quite another when you’re only 8 months in and feeling very loved up to have it powerfully conveyed to you that you alone are not enough

I also agree with this. Once you have a longer, well established, trusting relationship, opening it up to others is on a much more stable footing based on mutual love and trust which has already been established as a foundation. Wanting it after not even dating for a year would really turn me off. It's only been 8 bloody months and he already wants someone else in the bedroom? Nope. That would also make me drier than the Sahara.

Only 8 months!
this is the honeymoon period!

I agree with alot of this , I just asked myself after reading this if I take him seriously now and I said no to myself I dont! Your also right as in I dont feel jealous at all , I thought I would but I really couldn't care less now what he does , it's like I've switched off every feeling I had for him to protect myself

“You’re more than enough for me”, “you’re so sexy and beautiful” “I can’t get enough of you”, “I’m deeply in love with you, I’m yours and you are mine”

These were all words I heard from my ex who about the same time in- around 8 months, when I thought we were deeply in love, wanted sexual fantasies of others which he swore would be an occasional thing we do, porn and talking about others etc. Guess what, it took over. He started rejecting me unless we could constantly talk about other women, and then gaslit me by denying my experience of what was happening….essentially I watched myself lose him to his obsession after he pretended I was his obsession. His words began to lose meaning, I went all out for him and was getting little back, although he was outraged with me for saying so “don’t I pour love out onto you, you know I’m you’re for real and we have everthing, body, heart, soul and mind”

words

later on I discovered he thought it was just fine to reciprocate the attentions of other women by telling them he’d like to kiss and shag them- because he didn’t do it. It was a slippery slope as his promises turned to mush.

and this was the most paranoid, accusing man you could ever meet.

I don’t believe now that what he felt for me was love, but obsession, before his obsession moved on while I was invited to watch and participate.Its clear that he knew I was deeply monogamous, didn’t even think of other men. So he step by step tried to pull me into something which I lovingly embraced and then he used it to abuse my mind in various ways.

imagine dressing up sexy and being told you are so sexy and wonderful, and you are trying to seduce your own man and love him, and halfway through its “tell me about another woman” well that was my sex life for about three years. I didn’t mind if it was 50% of the time, it wasn’t, he deep down didn’t care about my need as a woman to feel like I fully had him and his desire in the palm of my hand.

fuck him, he lonely now, and it’s nothing less than he deserves. His begging messages go straight to my trash folder.

if you’re getting the ick, go with it, and get out of there. I wish I had got the ick, I just got eager to please and then sadder and sadder as time went on. I did have to emotionally detach many times to fulfil him, I loved him deep as ever, but I felt alone.

he suggested real women once, and I said to him, imagine me in bed with a man doing all sorts to me. How does that feel. That shut him up about it forever.

Thank you for your advice , I am so sorry you experienced this. How hurtful!
Actually you kind of reminded me of something that happened when we took pics for the site I made a real effort to dress up in lingerie etc, any man in my past would have been so excited and turned on and grateful for this! However he was more interested in getting the right pics to get attention from women on the site

Thank you for all of your replies, they have been very helpful.
I think now I'm just unsure of how to go forward? Do I tell him how I am feeling or just walk away? I really dont think I'm going to get the feelings i had for him before all this 3some talk back! It's a bit gutting really 😔

Hi. I think your thoughts & feelings are natural.

I also think the relationship is perhaps too new to be discussing adding extra partners. A solid, stable, long term partner, absolutely.

I think maybe subconsciously you feel that way too, which is why you are unintentionally distancing yourself. This new bf is pushing boundaries & wants to explore, which is great, it's healthy. Just maybe not for you.

This is the key.

Yep I think it is 😔 reading all of what I have said back to myself I've realised it's actually all made me feel pretty shit about myself!

Weirdly, when H and I discussed this. He was very adamant that he wouldn't want one and share me. He said threesomes were for causal relationships, and he wouldn't have one with me. We've both had them in the past, just not with each other.

That was years ago now, and it's never come back into discussion when we've discussed or wanted to explore sex further.

Yes similar to my ex partner , he said he would never want to share me with anyone else man or woman