Since he mentioned 3some I want to date other men

[Clararoseblue32]

Ok so here goes.
No judgement please .
I am curious about my thoughts, feelings & actions right now , more as a psychological aspect.

I'm trying to decifer what exactly is going on with myself , trying to be open & analysing why I am all of a sudden thinking & feeling this way so please only answer if you have a non judgemental, open mind , thanks in advance :)

So I have been seeing a man for about 8 months, all seems to be going very well.
He really is one of the kindest , respectful , sweetest, funny & gentle men I have ever met.
We get on very well & see each other regularly.
He has always been consistent and solid, no game playing , very straight forward and everything I have wanted.

We go on proper dates , daytime and evening and spent quality time together, not just a sexual relationship.

Three weeks ago we talked about fantasies he said his was a threesome, me , him and another woman.
I know alot of men have this fantasy so I wasnt that surprised, we had quite a bit to drink that evening & I said to him that I am not against the idea for maybe in the future.

The next time I saw him a few days later he brought it up sober and said can I send you a link to the swingers site, I said yeh ok I'll take a look.

Two days after that he said he had set up a profile , could we take a photo and verify ourselves.

Initially I was a bit taken back with how quickly things were moving forward but I agreed and said theres no rush we can just see what's out there and chat for now, he agreed and said yes of course absolutely no rush.

We got quite a bit of attention on the site , I actually have found it quite fun and liberating, also a bit of a turn on.

A woman has now said she is interested in meeting us , he has said it's only if your comfortable in doing that or we wont do it , at the time I said yes as I am very curious and again it's kind of turning me on, bi curious myself.

We havent met her yet, were planning to in the next few weeks & it will just be for a drink & go our separate ways , then discuss with each other as a couple how we both feel about going forward.

So something I have noticed about myself is I am pulling back from him the last week or so.
I cant help it and I'm not sure why I am doing it ?! I'm not messaging him so much, I am feeling less emotions for him, almost now looking at him like hes a friend and not a boyfriend.
I even noticed after we spent the weekend together I was less affectionate, almost involuntary, just not kissing him or hugging him much.

It's all very hard to explain. I keep asking myself what's going on? I'm feeling way less attached to him now. Like my feelings for him are changing and I was really into him before, I even thought I was falling in love with him before all this talk about 3somes and now I just feel a bit bla , like I can take or leave him.

The most concerning part for me ( as I am a monogamous partner when in a relationship) is that I have had fleeting thoughts of sleeping with other men, thoughts about dating other men, chatting to other men and meeting other men. I would never of had any of these thoughts pre 3some talk!!

I wouldn't go ahead with it, I'm not a cheat & I was hoping it would pass.

Today a man I went on a date with previous to my current relationship sent me a fb friend request, I havent accepted it, I didnt really find this other man a very good match for me when I went on a date with him but today I feel like I want to message him, meet up and having thoughts of having sex with him!! ... again I wouldnt go through with it .

What on earth is going on with me? If anyone could shed some light or has experienced anything like this before please help?!

Also shall I tell him what's going on with me? I think he noticed I was less affectionate this weekend, he did say are u ok? At one point.

Hi op, literally the very first words you used to describe your bf to us are “He really is one of the kindest , respectful , sweetest, funny & gentle men I have ever met.” He is “consistent and solid”.

You did not say, “phwoar he’s so hot, with an amazing body etc”

So I think it’s clear that you were valuing him as a long-term, safe, prospect, maybe even potential long term mate, maybe possibly father to dc, and he just showed that he wasn’t that “safe” a depository for your feelings.

And I agree with pps that the first few years of a relationship is the honeymoon period when you want to only have eyes for each other.

To be fair to him, when you were both sober again and he escalated to the web-site, you did not shut him down with “but that was a drunken fantasy which I am not ready for yet”. So you need to work on your confidence maybe for future relationships?

In a way it’s good that you didn’t shut him down though because he showed you who he is and you are now swerving a bullet.

What a shame though. Some times when they are too good to be true, they are too good to be true!

But let this experience help you op, to be clear in your own mind what you are looking for.

As women we are receive so many messages and experience a certain degree of pressure to experience relationships and sexuality through a prism of “how men want to experience those things”, so we are meant to not fall in love or get too heavy, keep the relationship casual, don’t put pressure on a man to commit, and be open to sexual variation.

And that’s brilliant for women who share that same outlook. But as we produce oxytocin when we sleep with people, we often fall in love, we can get pregnant, we can be physically at risk; the stakes are so much higher and it’s ok to seek safety, stability and consistency, and all of those things you listed in your opening paras, as well as great sex.

Maybe that’s an old-fashioned, sexist way of looking at things but I still think it holds true for many women. And what women need and want is important too.

Edited to say: definitely time to dump him.

Yeah she's clearly not happy!

I know that some men @DistinguishedSocialCommentator are up for threesomes, but most women aren't. Also, if you had one, I bet you would want it with 2 women, and not one woman, and you - and another man.

A little update : ... thank you for all of your replies & some great insights and advice on this.

I couldn't sleep much last night & today I woke up feeling very low & numb is the only way I can describe it really 😔 it's like I took a couple of days to properly process it all.

I am feeling now like that all the time I invested in getting to know this person has been a huge fat waste of time, he truly doesn't give a toss about me does he?

Hes just been on the look out to find a partner to have a threesome with 😏

Hope you dont mind me venting, I'm not seeing my close friend until friday & just feel I need to let it all out. In all honesty I feel really sad and empty.

I know in time I will be ok though , just another shit show of meeting someone and it all going wrong ... here we go again!

I haven't msg him today

I'm going to be true to myself & end it , I cant see myself moving on from all of this.

Bless you Clara. On the bright side, at least you’ve seen it now. You have learned what’s important to you in a relationship, and ditched a man who wasn’t interested in monogamy- because he wasn’t.

Being sexually curious and open minded in casual situations is very different from being in a committed relationship.

A friend did this with her husband and was so hurt when he met up with their regular 3rd without her. They thought they were on the same page.

I feel for you. You both shared a ‘what if’ fantasy and he wasted no time firing up the laptop, creating an account, and vetting potential participants. This would rub me the wrong way too.

All the while he’s been saying ‘only if you’re comfortable…’ which smacks of lipservice. I get the feeling he’s just saying it because he knows that’s what the guy is ‘supposed’ to say. I’d be very curious to know what his reaction would be if you slammed the brakes on this fantasy and said, ‘Actually, I’ve had a think about it, and whilst it was a naughty fantasy to have a fun chat about just between us two, I now 100% know it’s something I never intend to do in real life.’ Does he accept it or try to convince you to change your mind? There’s your answer.

I reckon that you've got two competing emotions going on @Clararoseblue32

You find the idea of a threesome, or sleeping with another man while in a relationship a turn on. At least in the realms of fantasy, adding another person to the equation turns you on.

But at exactly the same time, you're finding that your partner wanting the exact same thing turns you off, especially given that he seems to be trying very hard to make it a reality.

Potentially if he'd kept it to the realms of fantasy you could probably both had some fun with it, but it's too late for that, you know he really wants to do it and its given you the ick.

I'd write this one off, and if it ever comes up with a future partner be very clear from the off that you're not interested in it in reality, and that it should stay at the fantasy level.

DP and I swing. But I find it a little uncomfortable how fast he's pushed this forward without your expressed excitement at the idea. You're consenting but you're not giving me the vibe that you're really into it. He shouldn't have made the profile without you, that's a thing you do together.

I think even though you're attracted to him and like him and you're interested in the idea of non monogamy. Your body is picking up on the "this doesn't feel right"ness of the way he's behaving.

I'd say tell him you've changed your mind and don't want to consider it any more. See how he takes that and how some time away from this talk makes you feel.

I really feel for you. The fact that he's so rapidly pushed to turn this fantasy from reality shows how much he just wants to use his existing relationship as a vehicle for fucking around.

Don't take that as a judgement on you, this is all him and nothing to do with you not being enough or anything.

Yeah please let us know what happens next

The reason you're put off is that you don't want someone who's not exclusively into you and who would entertain sleeping with other people while they're with you.

Naturally you're now far less interested in him.

It's a good defence mechanism.
Listen to it and walk away.
He's not marrying material.

I think it's plain old deflation you're feeling

Prepare for him to swiftly backtrack but he would have acted far to fast in going public and involving another woman for this to go back to being just extended sexy talk.

Talk about fantasy is fine but he pushed it to become reality, not least at a speed that you werent happy with, so you realised that he is a creep. Simple as.

I had a bloke I saw for a few weeks after being aquaintances for a few years, and he went on about threesomes and eventually I said that I would love to do it. His face....until I said that me and two men had always been a fantasy of mine. Then I was dumped! I do not actually fantasise about being with two men but I had a hunch....and was proven right.

As PP have said, you have the ick. He thinks more about his dick than you, so why the hell would you want to be affectionate to him?

Tear off the plaster.

This. And, as sweet or as nice as he seemed, I think he was probably angling for this from the very beginning.

He couldn't wait could he? As soon as he got that green light, he was shoving his hand in the sweets jar as fast as he could.

And this.

He has done it before. You've been groomed.

Dont feel bad about yourself.

Dickheads who want to use women play their parts well in the early days, except this one showed his hand too early, which is a good thing for you.

They play the part of the perfect man until you are "in" and then they slowly slowly start the insidious behaviour. This one is not only vile but stupid. Again, good for you because you spotted him early.

Its not that you want other men, its that you dont want him. And you will be ready to date again, you just need some time to work out what got you to this point first. Maybe some counselling about understanding your own wants and needs, along with firming up of boundaries, would help.

I don't think he would just discard you afterwards. I think he would look for a different woman on the site to join in next time. And then yet another woman. And another.

It would make me think that all that talk of you are the one for me, you are the only one I want to be with etc was a load of cobblers. He was just preparing the path for a threesome.

I posted earlier but.....

you remember that "sliding doors" episode of Friends where Ross has a threesome with his wife and Susan, and it was all about them being into each other so he went and made a sandwich?

I know some people who are into swinging (two couples) and both couples say that if it is FFM then it usually ends up being mainly all about the women and if it is MMF ......it usually ends up being all about the woman. The fantasy that these men have of two women slavering over them is never what happens. So am I a evil for hoping he gets his threesome and then a sandwich rather than the "sandwich"?

Reading that comment above “he’s done this before, you’ve been groomed”, and another comment “he was preparing it for this from the start” just hit me like a ton of bricks about my own situation. Those ladies are correct, and this site is better than counselling sometimes at all helping each other work through stuff, because even when you answer an original poster, others are having the gaps filled in with their own hurts and sadness. I really hope you will take the advice here, and take some time out to grieve what you thought you had with this guy. Once he got his fantasy, I also doubt he’d be off, he’d just push and push for more and more until you were a wreck with it. He wouldn’t want to let you go because you would be allowing him to mould the relationship in the direction he wants. I’m glad you got the ick this early on, and you should definitely roll with that and embrace it and get the hell out of there

OP, l think you are right to end things, given the pace that things were moving at and the speed. It is really important in situations like this that you are the “captain of your own ship so to speak”.

A few other thoughts for the future. I am a 40 something female who discovered my bi side in my 30s. If you really are bi curious (maybe he put this idea in your head?) and wish to take things further with a woman, this is a pretty big step,, this deserves to be in a 1:1 situation. In a threesome situation with another woman you would very much be a male entertainment centre. He gets to lay 2 women and have a live sex show thrown in.

How would the ex partner here react if you said you were not interested in a threesome with another woman but would like another man to join the liaison?

He sounds such a creep

Have you ended it op?

Yeah what’s the latest?

👋 hey any news????

Hi all 👋🏼 so yes I have made my decision to end it. I feel the right thing to do is end it face fo face. I'm not seeing him until Saturday so I will be doing it then .
I think he has probably noticed I am very quiet with texting etc.
I am feeling more positive this morning, I'm taking from this experience that I have learnt some things about myself:

1. monogamy is very important to me
2. I would like to be single again have some time to reset
3. I would like to experiment in time my bi- curious side 4 ) I am open to experimenting maybe one day in the future with 3somes etc but it would have to be in a committed long term relationship with a very solid foundation 5 ) This man hasnt made me feel safe or secure and is pushy & I'm actually really pleased my body had felt icky about all of this as it means that I have grown as a person 6 ) Its ok to start again! Onwards & upwards

Thanks for all of your replies & supportive , non judgemental advice 💐 xxx