DH accidentally marked DD

[Spot321]

I'm feeling a bit panicky and just reaching out for some outside perspective.

Yesterday my DD was playing in the garden and was pouring water everywhere. My DH Had asked her to stop doing it where she was and she didn't stop. She's quite cheeky and just laughs. He's gone to stop her and pulled her towards him with her wrist.

I was inside and did see this but didn't say anything. I felt uncomfortable with it but without seeing it in person I didn't feel confident that he had been too rough. I didnt want to cause an argument in the middle of the day. Conflict easily escalates when he can't see my perspective or understand my feelings.

Today she has small red dots on her wrist and hand. Like you'd get on your cheeks after being sick. Not too many but they're there.

I've said something to him and he has said sorry after being defensive and saying he can't have done that but I don't see what else would have caused it.

I feel a bit sick.

I don't want to over react when I know there was no intention to hurt her. But the carelessness of his actions and the grip that he must have used makes me feel uncomfortable.

He has never hurt the kids before but I don't always feel that he acts in a controlled way. He loses his temper with them with his words. For me, this is a learning point. I'd like him to reflect on it but having conversations with him can be hard.

Suppose I'm curious to see what others think.

This is very concerning to me, as is the way you describe your fear of your partner.

Well seeing as you felt uncomfortable seeing it happen but didn't feel you could talk to him about it to avoid an argument I think you know this is an issue op.

Don't sacrifice your child for the sake of your relationship.

You know this isn't right. You know you're on pins around him. You know he's hurt your child. You daren't bring it up.

That really isn't a healthy situation for you or your daughter.

Completely unacceptable. I would be absolutely livid. And all for pouring some water in the garden? What a cunt.

Is he her bio father?

Heat rash? Hard to know how much of this is actually bout different parenting styles? Totally against hurting children, so yes it is a real problem if a partner is rough, forceful, resorts to hitting etc

But some are into gentle parenting and others will pick up a small child who won't stop something despite being asked, and remove them from the water etc.

You sound terrified of him - that's a huge red flag.

If you're scared of him, then is it safe for your and your DD to be there?

I don't think you can say the tiny red spots are a result of him pulling her by holding her wrist. If it was a bruise then maybe.

Has he physically hurt her before?

Honestly, I'm more concerned by the way you talk about him with fear and like you're walking on eggshell.

Sometimes we might grasp hold of our kids when they don’t listen, it’s not ideal but it happens. kids skin can mark very easily as well. Imnot saying he did nothing wrong, I’m just saying bear the above in mind.

How do the pair of you parent in general? Are you on the same page? How old is your child? You say she can be quite silly and laugh when being told what to do. I wonder if thars a reflection of the dynamics between you and your Dh?

Agree - Am sure we have all grabbed them more than we should have done

Yes, he's her Dad. Never hurt her or any of them before. Definitely not heat rash. It's like red spots under the skin. Little bleeds. It's mainly around the crease of her wrist, and then over the top of her hand and slightly up her arm.

I think it has come from this. I can't see what else it would be. It's nowhere else.

We do have very different parenting styles.
I'm more concerned about respectful interactions. Boundaries are firm but I maintain them whilst considering how to do so in a loving way. I feel that I consider how I'm going to handle something. Mostly. Their are times that I've not been so controlled and I've raised my voice but I apologise afterwards and always try to do better. I was parented in a similar way.

He is more of a "because I said so" kind of parent. Takes things personally with our eldest, gets into back and forth arguments with her. Can resort to "you're selfish" rather than addressing the behaviour. I'm uncomfortable with it sometimes and do often step in. I just avoid it unless I feel necessary because I don't want to undermine him and he is sensitive to criticism. He will grab them sometimes and I'm uncomfortable with it. More just pulling them away from something or if they're hurting each other. I would also remove them but id just be more gentle.

Most of the time, things are fine. Yesterday just felt unnecessary. I dont want to make it bigger than it is. I also feel really sad that he must have grabbed her with a really firm grip to have left that.

You need to agree to a parenting style. I think you probably need to be firmer and he needs to be a bit less handsy and relax a bit. I think having parents with very different parenting styles must be confusing.

Can you take them to the GP, get their opinion on what caused it? Would give you something on record just in case. You sound like me a few years ago, very unsure, doubting myself and scared, thinking the man I loved and trusted couldn't possible be acting the I was scared he was. Its not a good place to be and as it turns out I should have listened to those fears about his behaviour.

Has he ever grabbed you or been physically rough with you? My ex was physically abusive towards me and I used to be really hyper aware of any interactions where he had conflict with DD because I knew what he was capable of when angry, when people who didn't know this would have thought he was just parenting in a firm way/lost his patience a bit. You do sound scared of him as PP said-in a healthy relationship you should be able to address this and voice your concerns.

@ChangeAgain2 appreciate that. I think in general he tries to parent the way I do. Mostly. I'm not really willing to be different with them. I don't have a reason to. They're good kids, really. Most days are easy. He just loses his temper over silly things and id never be able to follow suit.
To me, a kid pouring water out isn't something to be angry over. He wanted her to stop doing it on the path. Fair enough. Id have taken the water off her. To me, kids aren't that difficult. She wants the water and will stop being a nuisance if you tell her it's going to be taken away. He loses control and doesn't consider anyone else and that's the issue for me.

I would be absolutely FURIOUS if my partner marked my child

Also, what part of this is an accident? Obviously their may be marks when you choose to put your hands on a child

Seriously. He pulled her towards him by the wrist. That’s all according to the OP. I’m sure all of us have done something like this at some stage when we were at the end of our tether because our children were testing boundaries.
I don’t see why this is turned into such a big deal. I agree with pp that you need to find a united parenting approach though.

"He just loses his temper over silly things"
"He loses control"

Neither of these things are normal or ok. It's not ok for him to be like this with you or your kids.

You're now acknowledging any posters commenting on this though.

I'd be upset too OP.

My DH can loose his temper and it's something we've addressed a fair bit and he knows me and the kids (who have said it to him) don't like it and it's not ok.

I hate treading on eggshells and me and the kids calling him out actually helped.

Him hurting them would be my line.

Thing is here, it wasn't accidental - he didn't throw a ball and accidentally hit your child, he intentionally grabbed her and bruised her as a consequence.

I gave our daughter a friction burn grabbing her leg when she decided the stairs were an assault course. I’ll often think “oh ffs” when shes done something and be annoyed, but its my job to make sure I use my nice voice and my nice face with her, even when she has been an absolute swine.

Toddlers often need a quick grab for things like running off etc. But being scared of your partner parenting your child isn’t normal.

Are the dots itchy at all? Your partners parenting style is one thing, and skin rash is another. He probably should have handled it differently, but plants/weeds/bugs/ants/Roundup are more likely to leave red dots. I imagine rough hand pulling would probably leave a bruising, and not the rash.

Is the child using their hand, wrist and arm normally? Is there pain or swelling? Can they grip your hand and push and pull it without discomfort?
you should really get them checked out but I don’t think you will because you know it’ll start the ball rolling.

I don't understand what you mean by the red marks like if you've been sick, that's not something I've ever seen.

Your later description sounds like it may look like little blood blisters / burn from friction from him grabbing?

I'd be surprised if he did that without DD letting him know it hurt a lot, it would be sore at the time surely? Are you sure it's not a rash / reaction from something like a plant and just coincidence?

All of that is really neither here nor there if he's often rough, and it's really not good that you don't feel like you can talk to him about it because of his reaction. Is he like that with other things too, do you often avoid subjects because of how he will react?

I can believe that it was an accident but the thing that stands out for me is how hesitant or scared you are to raise this with him. It suggests that you're in fear of upsetting him, which is not a good environment for you or your child to be in.

Was she crying / in pain at the time?