DH accidentally marked DD

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I'm feeling a bit panicky and just reaching out for some outside perspective.

Yesterday my DD was playing in the garden and was pouring water everywhere. My DH Had asked her to stop doing it where she was and she didn't stop. She's quite cheeky and just laughs. He's gone to stop her and pulled her towards him with her wrist.

I was inside and did see this but didn't say anything. I felt uncomfortable with it but without seeing it in person I didn't feel confident that he had been too rough. I didnt want to cause an argument in the middle of the day. Conflict easily escalates when he can't see my perspective or understand my feelings.

Today she has small red dots on her wrist and hand. Like you'd get on your cheeks after being sick. Not too many but they're there.

I've said something to him and he has said sorry after being defensive and saying he can't have done that but I don't see what else would have caused it.

I feel a bit sick.

I don't want to over react when I know there was no intention to hurt her. But the carelessness of his actions and the grip that he must have used makes me feel uncomfortable.

He has never hurt the kids before but I don't always feel that he acts in a controlled way. He loses his temper with them with his words. For me, this is a learning point. I'd like him to reflect on it but having conversations with him can be hard.

Suppose I'm curious to see what others think.

Do you often find yourself walking on egg shells around him OP? What would happen if you told him in no uncertain terms that he was bang out of order to injure his child?

@flipent I'm not avoiding people's comments on purpose. It's hard to acknowledge everyone. I suppose I thought I was making it clear in my responses that I didn't think it was acceptable.

Those are my concerns. That he isn't in control. It makes me feel uneasy sometimes.

I want to stress that it isn't often. It's on those higher stress days. Or if he's having a bad time.

Happens to us all yes and I appreciate that. We all have moments where later we wish we'd have been more calm with our kids. But, it shouldn't be frequent.

Parenting styles vary and it's a sensitive subject but for me, certain things are clear cut. If I told people he'd grabbed me in that way and left a mark, I'm certain people would be disgusted. For small children, some people think it's okay.

I don't. Thats why I posted.

My worry is how to handle this I suppose.

I don't want to focus on the mark too much because I saw what happened and in that moment didn't feel the need to say something. I didn't realise it was a firm enough grip to have left a mark. My worry is that he lost his cool that much and if he isn't concerned about that, that leaves me feeling worried it could happen again. I'm also worried about the fact that I didn't say anything and what that says about us. Clearly things for us to speak about but he won't be in any place to do that right now. He will be defensive and frustrated if I try to speak. That's my presumption but usually the case. At the same time, I have a lot of feelings running about and I'd love to be able to speak about it. I can't just say nothing.

This ^

This is the over riding thing I get from you, OP

You are scared of him.

Child is probably scared of him

And yet nothing is,said and therefore nothing changes

This isn't right

And this is on you, OP

Clearly things for us to speak about but he won't be in any place to do that right now. He will be defensive and frustrated if I try to speak. That's my presumption but usually the case.

This is a very convenient way of avoiding challenge to his behaviour.

It's really worrying you're so scared of his reactions.

You might want to think about whether you're in an abusive relationship. This isn't normal or OK

It isn't a rash. Her skin feels normal.
I get little red bits over my face if I've been sick. I've seen it on my kids too. It's like bruising under the skin I guess.
My youngest had it a lot when she was a baby because of a blood clotting disorder. It's called petechiae.
It's from the pressure of being held. Or straining. Or serious illnesses. It's right on her wrist and I'm 99% sure that's what caused it.

I'm not intending to make a big deal about the mark. That's a result of his actions. I'm worried about his actions and loss of temper.

My DD Is 4 and her speech is delayed. She didn't say anything. She cried out when he went out to her but I assumed from being told off. She continued to cry when brought inside and she's very good at having a tantrum so took herself off to her room to shout about it. She hasn't complained at all since.

In response to those asking about mw walking on eggshells. Kind of. I'm not a timid person generally. I have a tendency to keep quiet until a point where I can't. I sometimes wish I addressed things right away. With him, I know I have to have a lot of patience to discuss things. Feels like he purposefully misses my point sometimes and minimises things a lot. Tells me I'm mad. He struggles to be respectful in difficult conversations and so I avoid them unless I have to have them because it's emotionally draining.

I think some draining of emotions is needed NOW , OP

🙄

@Bestyearever2024 I know.

Maybe that's why I posted here. For some reassurance that I'm not mad.

I know I need to address it and that's probably why I feel ill.

I'm really sad about the whole thing really.

I'd read a book I think called When your anger hurts your child or something like that. And ask him to read it. You're not having the conversation then, the book is.

And you are going to have to push through your feelings of avoidance. Your children need you to talk to him.

If your walking on egg shells. He tells you you're mad. Your unable to address things. He minimise. He can't control himself. Then he's abusive. You need to leave him. A chat won't work.

It sounds worse with every post OP. You need to address this for your sake and most of all your children. Honestly I could never live with a man like that and I would do everything in my power to protect my kids from them as well.

I know it sounds bad.
Life is generally good. It might be once every month or 2 that we have a difficult conversation and it's usually about parenting. If I've had an issue with something.

I do realise that he could handle himself better in conversation and probably doesn't bother because then he can avoid responsibility. I do see through it. I have to remain as calm as I can because I'm certain he tries to antagonise me to get me to act in a way I'll regret. I just have to be really patient and it's frustrating and unfair. He does usually come round and apologise but the initial conversation is always the most frustrating thing in the world.

I personally think your way to soft and he's probably a bit the other way but tbh there's relationship problems clear as day as parents yous clearly aren't on the same page and as adults if you can't speak to each other daily and right as incidents happen calmly and briefly then you both need to work at things. We have 3 toddlers and teens, we had conversations about how we wanted to parent long before the kids came along, we still have daily conversations about who may need help,advice or just some fun. We don't argue and if we have a matter to discuss we remove ourselves to a different room from the children. Communication is wonderful when used in the right way between 2 people who are in sync, if not it's becomes a war zone of bad feelings,sad children and not something we wanted to bring our family up in.

With him, I know I have to have a lot of patience to discuss things. Feels like he purposefully misses my point sometimes and minimises things a lot. Tells me I'm mad. He struggles to be respectful in difficult conversations and so I avoid them unless I have to have them because it's emotionally draining.

You're describing gaslighting and emotional abuse.

He does not do this around people in the outside world or to his work colleagues does he?. No, this from him is all reserved for his family unit ie you people.

He knows how you feel and he does not care for your opinion. What happens too when you say no to him?.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. He wants absolute here both over you and your children. Trying to protect your own self, let alone the kids, from him whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no model to be showing them.

It matters not how supposedly infrequent he kicks off at you all because he’s stressed or has a bad temper, the fact is it should not be happening at all. What you’re also describing here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

He also likes it when you answer him back too because that gives him a further challenge to take you down.

I would consider your options here very carefully going forward, this is no life really for you or your kids.

I’ve found Dairy digest complete capsules. You take one before a meal with Dairy, and it helps with the digestion of dairy. Has anyone had experience with these? They sound almost too good to be true. They say they are only for adults, but wonder if they would be ok to give to a child? On their website there are reviews from people who have given to children with great results. Any advice welcome, thank you.

You sound super focused on being kind and fair, makes you a great mother I’m sure and also leaves you vulnerable to putting up with unreasonable behaviour from him.

Calling you mad, not addressing anger, and trying to dominate you and the kids with all these different behaviours (being forceful, distraction, obfuscation) it’s unhealthy and has clearly already set up a dynamic where you are maintaining some sort of vigilance, trying to keep an eye on the kids understandably, also not healthy.

It’s absolutely horrendous being in the position of thinking that your only choice is to break up a family, I know I’ve been there myself. Maybe more manageable- the first thing to do is just acknowledge that this does need to be addressed, and get yourself some backup to avoid getting disoriented.

his authoritarian parenting is harmful, it’s seen as a dysfunctional parenting style now, I think you are right to push back against it.

It is never as easy as just leaving, not least because if you do leave, you may well find yourself in a shared care situation where you’re no longer there to keep an eye on things.

Being practical, if you think things between you are salvageable, maybe it’s time to dig your heels in and insist he listens to you (an ultimatum to engage in family therapy or something like that), short-term pain/long-term gain

I’ve had a lot of absolutely shit couples therapy and I’m very wary of it now, but a good ddp family therapist could hugely help- they work with the parents to improve their parenting to support kids. That’s what I’d do with the benefit of hindsight .

good luck

I was inside and did see this but didn't say anything. I felt uncomfortable with it
Conflict easily escalates when he can't see my perspective
defensive and saying he can't have done that
He loses his temper with them
having conversations with him can be hard

All of this is very concerning. And I think some PPs ere missing that these marks were still there the next day.

What’s he going to be like when she’s a normal, slightly rude, slightly rebellious teenager?

What on earth is wrong with pouring water out in the garden anyway? Why is he so angry and controlling? Sounds like he can't empathise ie he can't see why a child would do this as part of their normal play.

Regarding the red dots, these sound like Petechiae spots - tiny burst blood vessels under the skin. As you say you get them on your face, they can be caused by trauma or pressure to the capillaries such as coughing, vomiting etc. Grabbing and pulling of the skin could cause this ‘injury’ too, to a childs skin there wouldn’t necessarily need to be much force applied, more likely an occurrence of friction. I wouldn’t get hung up on these red marks.

It does sound bad, not the wrist in isolation, but the whole scene.

Those are my concerns. That he isn't in control. It makes me feel uneasy sometimes.

The thing is, he is in control.... because he uses anger against his family, and you're too frightened to speak up. This doesn't go anywhere good if it continues, you know that.

You sound like a lovely mum and I know this is an absolutely horrendous realisation to make, this is why you feel ill, because you know what's going on and you know what's down the road. Whatever happens, his anger and his behaviour is not your fault but it is your responsibility as their mother, and to yourself to deal with this, not remain with your head in the sand.

Can I suggest an approach with him?

Instead of addressing specific instances where he’s handled things badly, have a conversation about how it feels to be small and weak in comparison to someone else.

Point out that when he is authoritarian and shows his anger, to you his strength and size are akin to him being faced with an angry marine. You know he is safe, but it’s still very intimidating.

Point out to DD, it’s more like him being faced by an angry giant. He is three times her size, infinitely louder and stronger.

On a separate occasion point out the importance of the children wanting to cooperate. That as they get older and independent, they need to want a relationship- that they won’t have to hang around home if they don’t want to.

Drip drip drip about relationships. Ask how he manages challenging situations at work, given how angry he gets at home.

A lot of men assume that being the man in the house requires being authoritarian. That he is supposed to tell the kids what to do and they are supposed to do it.

He may not have seen it done differently.

He has a problem with anger, HER anger when she calls him out on such behaviour. Men like the OP describes never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

It is for his family unit alone this from him is aimed at, not at other people like his work colleagues for instance. Joint therapy is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

So you are submitted into keeping your mouth shut about your feelings because he would fly off the handle? This is an abusive relationship. And don’t get me started on him manhandling your child. This is extremely concerning OP and you know it.

If any of your adult, female friends had a similar injury and explained that it had been caused by their boyfriend behaving in the same way your husband did to your child, what would you think?

Yanking her arm is dangerous. It can be necessary to act quickly for something like keeping a toddler out of traffic or away from a hot stove, but this was a child playing with water. There was no danger.

do you have cameras on the perimeter of your house that would have recorded this incident?