DH accidentally marked DD

[Spot321]

I'm feeling a bit panicky and just reaching out for some outside perspective.

Yesterday my DD was playing in the garden and was pouring water everywhere. My DH Had asked her to stop doing it where she was and she didn't stop. She's quite cheeky and just laughs. He's gone to stop her and pulled her towards him with her wrist.

I was inside and did see this but didn't say anything. I felt uncomfortable with it but without seeing it in person I didn't feel confident that he had been too rough. I didnt want to cause an argument in the middle of the day. Conflict easily escalates when he can't see my perspective or understand my feelings.

Today she has small red dots on her wrist and hand. Like you'd get on your cheeks after being sick. Not too many but they're there.

I've said something to him and he has said sorry after being defensive and saying he can't have done that but I don't see what else would have caused it.

I feel a bit sick.

I don't want to over react when I know there was no intention to hurt her. But the carelessness of his actions and the grip that he must have used makes me feel uncomfortable.

He has never hurt the kids before but I don't always feel that he acts in a controlled way. He loses his temper with them with his words. For me, this is a learning point. I'd like him to reflect on it but having conversations with him can be hard.

Suppose I'm curious to see what others think.

I think you're skirting around the facts. He grabbed her angrily and so hard that he's bruised around her wrist from the pressure of his fingers and thumb. He's left grab marks on her - bruises, not petechiae (it's a common way for kids to get spiral fractures, by the way).

If she went to school or nursery and a staff member saw them, your explanation for the bruising would be 'Her dad got angry with her in the garden, he grabbed her wrist, she cried and then went upstairs to cry some more. He loses his temper quite a lot and I've been too scared of his reaction to talk about to him'.

It's not what happens if it happens again that's the worry - it's that it happened in the first place.

Lots of red flags OP.

'Conflict easily escalates'

' I don't always feel that he acts in a controlled way. He loses his temper with them with his words.'

'he has said sorry after being defensive'

That does not sound like the behaviour of a good, responsible dad.

The fact that he grabbed your kid hard enough to leave marks should be your wake up call.

Don't wait for him to do even worse next time.

'Acccidentally'.

I'd revist that word and sit with it for quite some time, OP.

^^ this

If you're scared of him, she will be.
Children pick up on much more than we realise.

If this was a case where he'd done what he's done but you felt confident to address it and deal with it, it might be different. However, you are scared and that's even more worrying

OP the fact that you didn't speak up immediately when you saw it happen, also that you have to approach him in a calm manner when raising issues around his parenting for fear of his reaction is very concerning. You are obviously scared of him.
He was angry over your little girl playing with water and pouring it on the path? Then yanked her in such a rough way that she cried and was marked? This was not accidental. He sounds abusive and you have been trained to keep quiet.

Wow. I have been a single mum all of my kids lives and have never had to grab my child so hard I caused friction burns! To think a man would think this necessary for things like playing with water and climbing on stairs is a bit shocking. And to those that say maybe you had easy kids and nothing dangerous. Nope. I had 6 boys who I was constantly having to keep away from my stallions and my river! But never did I loose control and cause friction burns FFS

You dont trust him and I’m not sure your relationship will survive that.

You might want to get divorced as some posters proposed.
But your dd will still see her dad, with a starting point of 50/50 (well at least, that’s what I would expect. With EOW being the most likely outcome iyswim).

And then what?

Something similar happened in my home. My dd was being cheeky her father went to tap her lost his balance knocked her into a door frame. He cried all night and my dd and I both felt sorry for him. And then it got worse. Don't make the mistake I made.

Conflict easily escalates when he can’t see my perspective.

And why do you think he needs to do this? Does he not like you having your own opinion? Why do you think that is? Do you ever see his parents, does his father allow his mother to have opinions or has she been subdued into agreeing with everything he says?

Your husband/ partner sounds abusive and controlling Op.

OP could provide a calm safe home probably the majority of the time, giving a counterpoint to them all living in fear of an angry man 100% of the time.

You did see it but not in person. Do you mean through a window?

Hurting a smaller person because they haven't done as you demand is never acceptable.

I sometimes wonder why people are so eager to advise others to bin their relationships despite only knowing a snippet of it. Someone grabbed their child’s wrist because she continued to misbehave and not listen. It’s hardly the crime of the century, and should be something that the two parents can discuss in a reasonable manner.

No one is eager to make someone else end their relationship. People are keen for children to be safe though.

@viques you are absolutely correct. His dad is not a nice man. Not behind closed doors anyway. His poor mum has been worn down over the years and says very little 'out of line'.

I don't see my DH the same way. I do recognise the pattern. It's not something he will ever manage to do to me but I see that I avoid speaking my mind more often than not. Although maybe that's normal? If we all said something every time we were irritated by our other halves, it would be quite miserable.

This time I think he knows it needs addressing. We spoke during the day briefly about it but he's come home in a bit of a grump. Been okay with the kids but not me. I just asked what his plans were for the evening and said I don't wish to spend it together unless he's ready to have a conversation. After a bit of sarcasm and a few digs he did calmly say he's not ready to talk yet and he's gone downstairs.

I find it slightly unbearable when he does this. I have to wait around it feels for him to decide I'm worthy of a conversation. I know that's not what it is. He's not ready to take responsibility and I don't want to even try to speak to him until he's ready because it won't end well. It's just so frustrating!!

How do you carry on being with an aggressive man you can't communicate with? Sounds exhausting. Your kids will parent the same as him, like he's acting the same as his dad because they're getting half their example there

OP, it's not normal to have to dance around like this and approach your partner the right way at the right time when their mood is perfect.

In a normal relationship, you can challenge behaviour and maybe even have a row and exchange of opinions, you don't shrink away from it like you're doing/

It's not something he will ever manage to do to me but I see that I avoid speaking my mind more often than not
It is happening to you.

This is exactly my point. After the incident at my house my ex had tantrums where he'd throw things break things. 3rd time he was out of the house permanently. 4 years on my dd is doing the same thing and has been arrested for it. In therapy but a long way to go. I wish I could go back and had booted him that first time. I messed up and my dd is paying the price for it.

Small red dots could be an allergic reaction to something? When I was a kid I was forever getting rashes and bumps and weird red bits from all kinds of things when I'd been out in the garden, whether it was plants or insects. Especially when it was hot/at the start of nice weather.

You say he will never do the same to you, but he is already doing it, you are watching what you say, choosing good times to talk to him, avoiding discussions you know will upset him, I expect his mum started off with good intentions too, but has been worn away by the effort.

Your poor daughter. Please put her first. It only takes one time of him losing control to do irreparable damage.

It's hardly a crime of the century, however,
there seems to be yet another abusive ba*rd
involved.

My EX husband smacked my ds so hard he left a hand print. The reason? Because ds had raided the pantry and taken a bag of flour OUTSIDE and upended it, while his dad was snoozing on the sofa. I was shopping. My ds was 2.
I found out from my older ds.
I stood in his face and told him that if he ever did it again I would call the police myself.
6 months later, I left him and 1 year later we were divorced.
Ds is now 19 and has not seen his sperm donor since.

Put your daughter first. He will hurt her again and you are the only adult who can advocate/ stick up for her.

Believe me when I say that he won't change, he won't believe he's done anything wrong.

He sounds like my ex husband.

If t said anything negative to him. he would take offence or snap at me so l felt l couldn't say anything. He also downplayed anything negative. As he got older, it got worse.

It really was the downfall of our relationship. I thought l was happy but l wasn't living in reality, l was in the fog of his weird 'everything is always ok' alternate reality. It was very much gradual. We absolutely were happy for many years.

All of the above. The pb is way bigger than your child's wrist. You know it. You see the petechia on the wrist but the thing he is really mauling is your head hun. Can it be fixed ? It could, you know you will have to fight. Good luck hun.

Hi @Spot321 - This is about one of the worst situations to be in as a parent -when the other parent has harmed your child.It is courageous to ask for different perspectives and face truths that may feel uncomfortable.

If, in the situation -

• you can openly talk to your daughter about the injury
• he apologized sincerely and reassured her it won't happen again
• he is proactive about repairing his relationship with her and ensuring it does not happen again

Then let him carry on fixing his issues and be supportive, but most importantly support your daughter --

• tell her you saw how dad grabbed her, acknowlege it looked like it hurt, and you can see the mark on her wrist
• Tell her if it she is hurt she can tell you, and she ought to tell you, because parents have the job of keeping kids safe
• Take your daughter to the GP to have her mark seen to, explain it was a once off (if it was) but let your daughter hear you tell the GP that her safety is your priority. This is not about blaming dad but is a matter of safety for your daughter to know where to get help

However. If -

• you all tip-toe around the injury
• you are scared to talk to your child about it in a matter-of-fact way
• you find the need to explain basic things to him like "being to rough when angry is not ok and scares kids"
• you end up taking responsibility for his actions by giving him articles and organising counseling for him

Then there is a chance he has denied or minimised the impact of his behaviour, will repeat it, and unfortunately there is a possibility the children are being harmed in other ways you are not yet aware of.

In this case do all the above but also ask your GP for a referral to further professional support. You need extra people who are outside of the family, with more objective eyes, to support you with keeping your daughter safe. There are organisations that specialise in this and it is more common than you think.

Your job as a mother is to make sure your children know they have one parent who will go to great lengths to protect them. So tell your daughter -

• It iss not ok for her to be hurt and it's not her fault
• Your job as mum is to keep her safe and that is why you are taking her to the GP
• She is precious to you, and deserves to be protected
• She can tell you anything at all, and needs to tell you if she has been hurt
• Unfortunately this does happen in families, it is NEVER the fault of children and all children deserve to be protected from harm

On top of physical harm and abuse it is awful for children when no one stands up for them. Your main role here is to stand up for your daughter and show her she deserves it.