DH accidentally marked DD

[Spot321]

I'm feeling a bit panicky and just reaching out for some outside perspective.

Yesterday my DD was playing in the garden and was pouring water everywhere. My DH Had asked her to stop doing it where she was and she didn't stop. She's quite cheeky and just laughs. He's gone to stop her and pulled her towards him with her wrist.

I was inside and did see this but didn't say anything. I felt uncomfortable with it but without seeing it in person I didn't feel confident that he had been too rough. I didnt want to cause an argument in the middle of the day. Conflict easily escalates when he can't see my perspective or understand my feelings.

Today she has small red dots on her wrist and hand. Like you'd get on your cheeks after being sick. Not too many but they're there.

I've said something to him and he has said sorry after being defensive and saying he can't have done that but I don't see what else would have caused it.

I feel a bit sick.

I don't want to over react when I know there was no intention to hurt her. But the carelessness of his actions and the grip that he must have used makes me feel uncomfortable.

He has never hurt the kids before but I don't always feel that he acts in a controlled way. He loses his temper with them with his words. For me, this is a learning point. I'd like him to reflect on it but having conversations with him can be hard.

Suppose I'm curious to see what others think.

This time I think he knows it needs addressing. We spoke during the day briefly about it but he's come home in a bit of a grump. Been okay with the kids but not me. I just asked what his plans were for the evening and said I don't wish to spend it together unless he's ready to have a conversation. After a bit of sarcasm and a few digs he did calmly say he's not ready to talk yet and he's gone downstairs.

I find it slightly unbearable when he does this. I have to wait around it feels for him to decide I'm worthy of a conversation. I know that's not what it is. He's not ready to take responsibility and I don't want to even try to speak to him until he's ready because it won't end well. It's just so frustrating!!

@Spot321 This is sulking and he’s basically stonewalling you.

Abuse happens in a pattern - there are periods of good times and then ‘flare ups’, which we might just call a ‘bad patch’. However, they are not bad patches, they are part of a cycle of abuse.

Over time the cycles get shorter and the flare ups get more frequent.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he also uses DARVO - Deny/minimize what happened; Attack you (your fault/her fault); Reverse it/become the Victim(she made me do it/I have to do everything around here/you’re too soft) etc.

There are names for everything you’re going through - gaslighting, sulking, stonewalling, walking on eggshells, because it looks from the outside like you could be in a classic EA relationship.

He knows you want to address what happened, and he is letting you know, non verbally, that it's not a good idea for you to do that.

He is controlling you and manipulating you. Wake up. It is happening.

You're afraid of him and his temper.

He lost it with a tiny little girl.

What's he going to be like with the teen tantrums?

Take her to the doctor - it could be something unrelated. But get that checked out.

And then a calm, formal conversation with him about controlling himself.

I see what everyone is saying. I also feel that when he acts this way, it's abusive. I have told him so and he gets very angry when I do.

I don't however see him as abusive. In my mind he's a good person who struggles with feelings of shame and has a low self esteem. His behaviour can become abusive and is unfair, when he feels attacked. It doesn't take a lot for him to feel this way. He is very defensive and whilst ive seen an improvement over the years, their are occasions where he will sulk for 3+ days when he wants to avoid something. Usually if he doesn't really see my perspective but it can also be when it's very black and white that he's done something hurtful.

I have to wait for him to calm down. But I also know that to remain angry for multiple days is very unusual and clearly a choice that he's making because he doesn't think I deserve better.

It's very confusing for me when he's usually so kind and loving. It does really hurt me and effects my self esteem.

@Spot321

My youngest had it a lot when she was a baby because of a blood clotting disorder. It's called petechiae.

It's from the pressure of being held. Or straining. Or serious illnesses. It's right on her wrist and I'm 99% sure that's what caused it.

Because if this ^^ Are you going to try and get your DC to see your GP/nurse practitioner ASAP? 🌹

A lot of abusive people have this very fragile ego and low self esteem thing going on. Often the people around them feel sorry for them. "Mr Sensitive" is a type Lundy Bancroft describes.

Whatever it stems from, however, it doesn't change the effect on you or your dd. She's still been manhandled, you're still on eggshells having your self worth chipped away. Intention isn't magic, his personal issues don't erase harm.

Also, the nice/nasty cycle is classic. No-one would ever stick around in domestic abuse situations if the abusers were 100% monster.

It's easy to be nice when things are going your way, it's how a person acts when they're not that really shows their character.

The positive things you posted at 9.37am @Spot321 are in no way worth the negatives. My childhood was so not good I could argue all sorts of behaviours are understandable but I choose to be a decent human being and not take out my issues on someone else in an abusive way.

Look at how many people claim to be sensitive but really what it means is they give out crap but can't cope when it is given back. Classic bullies.

Bad self esteem and shame does not mean you attack others.

Controlling men generally are pathetic creatures who feel so shit about themselves they have to make someone else feel crap so that they can feel better about themselves. Aka the big I am.

Everyone who is living with an abusive person ask yourself this. Do they speak to friends or colleagues the way they speak to you? No, they don't because it is a choice to treat their partners and children this way. They can control themselves. They chose not to with you..

It's very confusing for me when he's usually so kind and loving. It does really hurt me and effects my self esteem.

Of course it does. It's meant to. The kind and loving behaviour is part of the cycle of abuse, it wouldn't work without it. The tension will start to fade as long as you keep quiet about this latest outburst, and then you might start to see some kind and loving behaviour, which will give you a hit of dopamine and reassure you that he's "a good person" after all and you must have been overreacting. Rinse and repeat. Over time your self esteem will become lower and lower, along with your ability to see the wood for the trees.

You say that he's not abusive but his behaviour can become abusive when he feels attacked. This is excusing him, and also, what was attacking him at the point where your small daughter was playing with water on the path? He might employ abusive behaviours with his family because of low self esteem, because the month has an R in it, because the milk ran out... the reason actually doesn't matter.

You say he becomes very angry when you say that his behaviour is abusive, but what does that in itself tell you? If I told my partner he had been abusive towards me he wouldn't be very angry.... he would be calm, and questioning and actually devastated at the thought. Because he's not abusive and that would be the reaction from someone who isn't

I would urge you to arm yourself with more information about what is going on here, what the effects will be on your daughter if you don't take action in order to protect both of you, so you can make your decisions from an informed place.

Your situation sounds similar to mine OP. My husband was beaten as a child by quite narcissistic parents and while he would never hit them, he can be shouty and indignant (and could end up doing something like what you described). Only you know what is acceptable or not. You just have to be as honest with yourself as possible.

A big thing for me is that my husband always apologises to the kids when he shouts . He tries to be very human and honest wih them about how he is struggling. And he never scares me, just pisses me off.

Don’t tell the school keep her off. The amount of times the school have called me because my kids all fight each other and get bruises. I was getting a phone call weekly about my daughter’s bruises she just bruises easily. Sometimes my kids have bruises I have no idea about and the school call me up and are so condescending 3 young children and I can’t keep up. It’s a whirlwind and makes you feel like you have actually done something wrong.

@Myeyesrollwaytomuch this thread is from May.

I know, I realised after I posted. Have no idea how it came up on my feed🤣