My partner calls my son fat

[Lisa784]

I’ve been with my partner since my son was small and he’s now a teen. For the past few years my partner has been saying constant fat shaming comments to my son and although I’ve approached him about this many times my partner is convinced he’s doing nothing wrong and says “that’s just how we talk to each other”. I’ve told him I’m not happy with it and it needs to stop but he just continues or reacts bu telling me I’m overreacting or to “go f myself”

my son hears the arguments about it and tells me it’s not a big deal and even joins my partner by taking the mick out of himself but I still feel sick to my stomach hearing him say these things to him.

comments such as “it’s like looking at a concave mirror” or “you look like a whale” or “mate you have boobs” I just hate my partner for it!

i see other dads encourage their children to do lor exercise or help them make better food choices but he just constantly puts him down and I really don’t know what to do or any anymore because I constantly get an argument back. There’s so many things he’s told me he isn’t happy with me with and I’ve changed myself for him but he can’t do this one thing and stop being mean to my son. He’s great in so many other ways but I can’t allow him to be nice to me when he’s saying things like this to my son. He doesn’t do it in a mean way it’s like jokes and it’s not a nasty tone but I can’t help but feel that it is.

please someone tell me I’m not overreacting and I have reason to be mad with him

Also why bring your DS into this, fair enough date others but keep the relationship separate to protect your child.

I worry so much about this. My next door neighbour has three children from a previous relationship but only a few years later has moved on, got pregnant and fourth child is with new partner. So fast!

By all means have relationships but protect the children and keep your love life separate IMO.

Your poor son.

Your partner sounds utterly vile. Your poor son.

I know. It's cheaper and less destructive using a dildo or vibrator, causes no emotional turmoil.

I suspect when you finally wake up and kick out this abusive that your son won't be "fat" anymore.

That broke my heart when you said your son tells you it's all right and even joins in and takes the mick out of himself. Thats an indication that some damage has already been done and needs to be undone. You have to stop this, if that means leaving him then you must. Please put your child first. Absolutely not OK.

the highest cause of abuse is step parents. which is unfortunately true.

I had similar behaviour from my father growing up. He thought it was hilarious to call me “young pork” and even went as far as putting post-it notes on chocolate in the fridge saying, “keep your hands off porker” a few times. I was more of a savoury person even then so his precious Dairy Milk was safe.
Apparently he’d been chubby as a child too. He also used to make similar comments about my mother, who was a size 12 for goodness’ sake.

I don’t speak to him for various reasons now and haven’t for years. In my opinion the OP’s partner’s antics are just as toxic. “It’s only a joke” doesn’t cut it.
His reaction to you says it all too.

The comments are awful and sadder that your son joins in. Devastating. But I have been with my husband for 30 years and he has never and would never say "go fuck your self" what sort of a person talks like that to the person they are supposed to love (when they are raising a valid point)

Having a partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. You are allowing your partner to destroy your son's self confidence. He will grow up thinking you didn't care enough about him to protect him. Your partner is emotionally abusing your DS and you to a lesser extent. If you let it continue you are complicit. Your DS will grow up thinking he's not good enough to get a partner of his own, not good enough for a decent job etc.

You don’t know what to do about it? Let me help you with that. You kick him out! There you go, problem solved!

This is seriously worrying in several ways.

He abuses your son, calling him names that will likely stay with him for life and affect his self confidence.

Your son hears your arguments. It's awful for a child to hear that, and especially so when they think they are the cause.

Your OH tells you to F off? Wrong under any circumstances, but he's doing it when you're very reasonably defending your son.

He knows that you don't like him abusing your son, but he doesn't care what you think - no more than he cares about your son's wellbeing.

Your son will see you putting this man first. By not leaving him, you are showing your son that you value this man above your son. You're showing him that if someone abuses you, you should stick around. Your're showing him that he should put up with vile behaviour. You're showing him that it's normal in a relationship. You're showing him not to value himself. Your son could grow up emulating your OH, or he could grow up and look for a partner like your OH. Both are catastrophic outcomes for him.

I know all these comments must be hard to read, but this is damaging your child. He can't do anything about it. It's up to you - his mum - to put this right. And that means ditching the vile, abusive, cruel, uncaring man, and showing your son he's worth so much more.

@Lisa784

A person who cared for you would not continually make personal, insulting comments about your child nor tell you to "go fuck yourself". Your son is seeing and hearing this and is trying to protect you by taking resending all is well. It is not

How long will you put up with this? 🌹

Your poor son. He has to share a home with his worst bully in life and his mum doesn’t stop it.

Out of interest is it a quip he makes maybe once a month or is it a very regular thing?
Does your son enjoy his company? Would he really upset if you split up. I think these are important questions.

The saddest part is that nothing will change for this poor lad because this is his normal and this will be how he treats his future partners because it's been the example he's been set.

Mum has a low bar, and this spirals through the generations.

Are you coming back, OP?

This 100%

I'm kind of hoping all these threads about awful step-dads and partners are made up because if they are all real, I feel quite upset about thinking of children living with people who hate them.

This. Your son playing along with it does not mean he isn’t being hurt by it. Lots of children faced with bullying do this - it’s an attempt to stop it from getting worse, but it’s awful.

You need to speak up loudly and stop being a doormat. He gets to tell you several things he doesn’t like about you - and you raise one very important thing and he ignores you?

Why did you not leave him years ago? Fat shaming children is so, so damaging. Unfortunately I can attest from personal experience. Honestly I think you've been a negligent mother by keeping this man around.

For the sake of your son & your own mental health please get out of this relationship. Now.

Get rid of the extra weight - the lousy partner. Your poor son...

And you're with this glorious specimen because...?

I’m sorry but in the time that it took you to write this, you could have been getting rid of the boyfriend. How horrible to allow your son to be subjected to comments like these. Why aren’t you protecting him? It seems like you’re more concerned about the relationship than you are about the emotional scars that he is causing your son. Please wake up and be a mother that your son needs.

I would hate to live with someone who calls me names and insults me as a 'joke'. Or someone who disregards my feelings and tells me to go fuck myself. No thank you.

I think you and your son would be happier without this man in your lives.