Am I the problem?

[feelinglonely101]

My partner goes through stages of being extremely negative. He is miserable, doesn’t enjoy days out, and picks up on things I do or don’t do. Don’t get me wrong, I can be negative, but I always enjoy our time as a family and I always search for new things for us to do and enjoy.

Today is one of those days. We went out to a farm park as a family. He had a face like a slapped you know what half the time. He then later complained that he was annoyed as we hadn’t been productive today and it was now too late to be productive (it was 3pm, literally when our little one woke for her nap). He said he didn’t enjoy going out earlier either. I told him to be grateful because a lot of people would love our life and we are blessed with a gorgeous almost 2 year old.

He has said to me that from now on, on the weekend he’s going to do something he enjoys/ wants to do. I said that’s no problem with me, I just want him to be happy but he is sucking me of my positivity and it’s making me sad.

I suggested the doctors for some support, but he won’t go.

He says he misses his old freedom of when we didn’t have a child, where we could be productive over the weekend. I told him that life changes and she is our priority. He wants another baby, but I’ve told him until he sorts his behaviour out, I won’t be having another one. He seems to think it’ll be easier with 2?!?

I can’t help but feel that I am the issue. It seems like I am responsible for his happiness and I am failing miserably.

Don't have another child with him

What does he mean, 'productive'? if he wants a productive afternoon, leave him at home with the cleaning and ironing to do.

What does he mean 'productive '? What would he rather have done ?

Why would it be easier with 2?! Does he mean you do the heavy lifting with 2 children? What does he mean by productive? Watch football, play computer games and scratching his balls?! Or washing, batch cooking and cleaning?

Another who doesn't understand what he means by productive. Sounds like a lovely weekend day with a little one to me.

No you are not the issue from what I can tell, and 2 children will not be easier, especially close ish in age.
you are wise to refuse to have another to try and fix the situation, a child will not fix things, it will most probably make them worse, and then you will end up with a second child feeling unwanted like they shouldn’t have been born if they feel the issue and realise it was made worse with a second child.

what does your partner wish to do on weekends instead of family time?

When I’ve asked what he means by productive, he said “sorting the garden” such as de weeding. He said I’ve not been at all interested in getting the garden sorted because I’ve recently wanted to redo our bigger spare room for my little girl into a bigger girls room so she can have another play space. He said it’s a waste of time and she doesn’t need it. I’ve now showed interest in the garden and he said that I’m only showing interest in the garden because he’s said something about it, as opposed to me actually wanting to sort it. I do want to sort it, but I also want to enjoy time with my little one.

I am constantly on egg shells at the moment

I’ve asked if we can go to counselling. He’s said no because I will tell the counsellor that he is the problem, basically. I admit when I’m wrong, whereas I have to ask for an apology from my partner.

i am miserable at the moment.

I'm afraid I'm another one who doesn't understand why on earth he wants as second child when he doesn't enjoy time with the one he already has.
OP you seem to be putting all the effort into the family and all he is doing is being selfish. And making you feel as though you are the problem when it seems to be his attitude that is spoiling things, not you.

Right, so you don't show interest in the garden. That's wrong. You show interest and THAT'S wrong because it's not the correct sort of interest.

No wonder you feel on eggshells, you can't do right. He sounds a petulant manchild, OP.

Fucking joy sponge.

I am very self conscious and a people pleaser so I always think that it’s my fault. When I know it isn’t in this case

You shouldn’t be on eggshells, you need to come to an agreement, maybe not all time off for him needs to be family time, maybe next time you would have gone out for the day, you take your little girl for some mum and daughter time, something girlie the partner wouldn’t be interested in. He can de weed the garden and then maybe around 4 or so you can meet up either at a nice place for a family meal, or at home for a cooked meal/takeaway and a movie to snuggle up and watch once little one is in bed.

as for the room you wanted to turn into a play room, is it more convenient for her to play in, maybe it’s downstairs and means she’s closer while you do something without having to sit in same room to supervise her? Or just another room upstairs that will need tidying when she inevitably trashes both rooms. As small kids do often 🤦‍♀️🤣

Good grief he sounds a piece of work.

If he wants to go work in the garden he should say so! But he should also be willing to have outings with you and the DC at least sometimes.

You are not required to be interested in the garden. Neither I or DH have the slightest interest in ours, we pay someone to keep it tidy and maintain the lawn.

A good councillor/therapist will listen to both sides but will also observe words used and body language. They will notice if you seem to blame your husband but he doesn’t do the same, or vice versa, notice if you seem anxious, scared, etc, or if he does. They should see through any bullshit and any false blaming, it will take more than one session to see sometimes but it shouldn’t just result in a woman therapist taking your side if that’s what he is worried about

He's simply establishing that free time should centre on his wishes and preferences, that's all.
Did you not realise that he is the priority?

He sounds like catch!

Like a catch, even

Do not being another child in to this relationship and certainly not to be used to make his life easier!

Only one you'd think 'Nah' and throw back.

This is your life for 18+ years, OP. Then DC leaves home and you're left with a grump you're continually trying to please.

Is it really what you want?

he's selfish ! and has no idea what family life is.

he really wants to garden does he ? so why didn't he get stuck in at 3pm - he could be gardening until 9pm as we have light evenings now...

do not have a 2nd child with him for a long long time

as once he's sorted the garden he may decide to take up golf or cycling, and you will never see him on a Saturday...

He wants you doing all the heavy lifting and family raising and he wants to be swinging his dick doing what he wants when he wants. If it was me, i would be out of that relationship...buzz kill or what. Not good for the kids if hed not on board with days out etc, we do things we don't like or want to with kids, but its not about us now is it? Hes a spoilt brat tbh

I’ve said I won’t be having another until we sort our issues out. He doesn’t think there is any. I’ve said countless times I am unhappy. But he would rather end our relationship than work things out.

I think that is what he is worried about

It is always me putting in the effort. I may as well be single at this point