Am I the problem?

[feelinglonely101]

My partner goes through stages of being extremely negative. He is miserable, doesn’t enjoy days out, and picks up on things I do or don’t do. Don’t get me wrong, I can be negative, but I always enjoy our time as a family and I always search for new things for us to do and enjoy.

Today is one of those days. We went out to a farm park as a family. He had a face like a slapped you know what half the time. He then later complained that he was annoyed as we hadn’t been productive today and it was now too late to be productive (it was 3pm, literally when our little one woke for her nap). He said he didn’t enjoy going out earlier either. I told him to be grateful because a lot of people would love our life and we are blessed with a gorgeous almost 2 year old.

He has said to me that from now on, on the weekend he’s going to do something he enjoys/ wants to do. I said that’s no problem with me, I just want him to be happy but he is sucking me of my positivity and it’s making me sad.

I suggested the doctors for some support, but he won’t go.

He says he misses his old freedom of when we didn’t have a child, where we could be productive over the weekend. I told him that life changes and she is our priority. He wants another baby, but I’ve told him until he sorts his behaviour out, I won’t be having another one. He seems to think it’ll be easier with 2?!?

I can’t help but feel that I am the issue. It seems like I am responsible for his happiness and I am failing miserably.

If you're worried about being a narcissist - you're not a narcissist honey! Narcissists don't worry about the effects of their behaviour on other people. They literally only think about themselves and use others as a means to getting what they want with no regard for anyone else's feelings. That doesn't sound like you!

If you were a narcissist you would be unlikely worry about whether you were one or not. Narcissists find that exercise very difficult without the help of a therapist.

Oh sweetheart no no no, it's not you,

it's him.
that is the problem ( and the cause of it. )

in your opening post you actually wrote ' He says he misses his old freedom of when we didn’t have a child, ( where we could be productive over the weekend.)

and

' He has said to me that from now on, on the weekend he’s going to do something he enjoys/ wants to do. '

FGS, PLEASE stop gaslighting yourself. A narcissist would never question if they were the problem. Your husband is a manipulative man child. Tell him to pull his shit together or go home to mummy and daddy.

I think getting some counselling for yourself is a good idea. Living with someone who has poor mental health is incredibly draining and puts a lot of pressure on anyone who has to support them.

I can't say whether this relationship is abusive, but it sounds like there have been various problems over the years. I think you need to ask yourself- regardless of his current possible mental health problems, have you actually been happy in this relationship? Has he ever been supportive? Do you feel that you are working together towards a shared goal/lifestyle?

I do not believe for one minute, ( and I think I might not be the only one here that thinks this,) that he really really really wants to spend all day every day at the weekend gardening !

was gardening his main hobby before you met ? is he a very keen gardener ? does he spend hours perusing the catalogues deciding what to buy / plant next ? did he spend the months / years before dd was born gardening every weekend ?

why couldn't he go in the garden at 3pm after having been out with the two of you, I have already said he could have been out there until 9pm...

This man is going to seriously hurt you if you remain together.

Just be prepared because this is how he works, he's constantly setting you up to fail and he seems to gain pleasure from seeing you hurt and unhappy.

That will ramp up, it always does with these sorts.

And you are not in the wrong, you are observing hateful behaviour and are trying to understand that, it's a complete mindfuck but you are beggining to see.

He's a messed up man and your life is being made hell for no reason other than his warped sense of power. I hope you mange to disengage.

You are not “the narcissist in your relationship “—its not as though every relationship has one, by the way. At any rate narcissism exists on a loooong continuum from very healthy to very unhealthy. At the bad end is Narcissistic Personality Disorder but at the good end is a healthy sense of self esteem and a strong confidence in what you desire and your iwn worth.

I think what you dread, and what you are experiencing, is that your DH continually assaults your self confidence by telling you that your ordinary human need for love, safety, family time, etc.. are selfish/narcissitic. This is not an uncommon accusation from men to women when a new baby changes your priorities and you/the family start making new demands in him.

Prior to the baby he could easily center himself and please himself while you went along for a quiet life or even thought everything was fine. After all putting your DH first can seem easy and natural. But now you have a baby to care for and baby’s needs come first—dh has to pull his own weight—you expect him to care for himself snd you and baby. This is perfectly normal! You are not unreasonable or selfish or narcissistic expecting a man to care for his wife and child!

You are in the same position as a restaurant owner who takes on a chef as partner but as soon as the food orders roll in he begins skyving off, asking to change the job description, refusing to cook, and complaining when you ask him to do his job. Its HIS FUCKING JOB. Which he chose.

Always remember that: he chose to marry you and have a child with you. This is not some kind of punishment you are doling out to him randomly. It is a privilege! If he doesn’t treasure you, and the baby, and the marriage then walk away. Run away. Because he never will and you will break your heart and your child’s heart trying to make this family happen.

@pikkumyy77

Good post.

It sounds as though op's husband is training her never to expect anything from him.

have you actually been happy in this relationship? Has he ever been supportive?

This is a good question. It does sound as though he may be depressed at the moment- probably connected to not adjusting well to the demands of family life.

I sometimes dislike the weekends too (love my kids very much and it was me who really wanted to have them but I do miss just being able to decide to do something fun for myself on the weekend).

He sounds unhappy. But he could be trying harder not to take it out on you. You're not his therapist or his mum! You can be supportive but you can't fix him all by yourself; he has to take a lead on sorting out his own issues.

You say you feel like a single parent. Would you be happier apart?