Am I the problem?

[feelinglonely101]

My partner goes through stages of being extremely negative. He is miserable, doesn’t enjoy days out, and picks up on things I do or don’t do. Don’t get me wrong, I can be negative, but I always enjoy our time as a family and I always search for new things for us to do and enjoy.

Today is one of those days. We went out to a farm park as a family. He had a face like a slapped you know what half the time. He then later complained that he was annoyed as we hadn’t been productive today and it was now too late to be productive (it was 3pm, literally when our little one woke for her nap). He said he didn’t enjoy going out earlier either. I told him to be grateful because a lot of people would love our life and we are blessed with a gorgeous almost 2 year old.

He has said to me that from now on, on the weekend he’s going to do something he enjoys/ wants to do. I said that’s no problem with me, I just want him to be happy but he is sucking me of my positivity and it’s making me sad.

I suggested the doctors for some support, but he won’t go.

He says he misses his old freedom of when we didn’t have a child, where we could be productive over the weekend. I told him that life changes and she is our priority. He wants another baby, but I’ve told him until he sorts his behaviour out, I won’t be having another one. He seems to think it’ll be easier with 2?!?

I can’t help but feel that I am the issue. It seems like I am responsible for his happiness and I am failing miserably.

Stop putting the effort in with him and focus on your dc.

Considering what a shit useless dad he is I think what he means is he wants you to be even more trapped with him than you already are.

I appreciate everyone’s replies. It makes me realise that it’s not my fault. Thank you

I thought that may be the case, how would you feel about a male therapist? If you would feel ok it could be a suggestion to find a male therapist to make your partner feel more comfortable going into the sessions

This.

I’m actually fine with either sex, I don’t care about age either. I just want to fix our issues!

Fingers crossed for you if your partner goes for this, it could do wonders

Another man who liked the idea of having kids but doesn't actually want to be a father, because that means not always doing what he wants and putting himself first all the time.

He’s definitely got problems. But you said that he doesn’t enjoy days out, and then when he told you he didn’t like the day out then you told him to be grateful - that doesn’t really make sense, if he doesn’t like them. Next time, could you tell him that you want to go on a day out, and ask him if he’d like to come. If he says no, then go without him - then he’s free to do weeding or whatever he wants. Do organise some things for yourself as well, he’ll have to learn to get on and do what he claims he wants instead of moaning and sulking.

The thing is, though, “not enjoying days out” isn’t really fair when you have kids. Why should OP be stuck with the heavy lifting all the time? Even if he stayed at home cleaning and doing the garden, it’s still easy compared to taking a toddler out for the day. A PP had it right, it’s just another man who wanted kids because that’s what you do, and gave no thought to what this actually meant in a practical sense. He’s a twat.

Giving our kids memorable days out is more important and "productive" than fucking gardening. He sounds like a tit and I'd be asking why family time is a lower priority than doing housework.

This would give me the rage.

Crikey you're worse than op's husband.

A choice ?
Sounds like he'd never do anything else again as a family.

Do you honestly think op wants to go to the farm on her own with kids, you do things together because you love one another and want to educate your kids together. Opting out is not being a father, he's crap.

Op get pregnant by a different man the next time, this one's a dud.

Useless wanker.
You can tell him I said that aswell 😁

But I shouldn’t have to do things as a single parent, surely? It was for his birthday too. I had planned for us to do a day event as a family, followed by a date night tonight. But he wasn’t in the right frame of mind, so we didn’t even end up going. It’s like having 2 children

I've slowly come to realise that an absurd number of men genuinely think childcare, housework, grocery shopping & such are women's hobbies They see family-related labours as the female equivalent of fishing, gardening, sport and gaming for them.

In that framework, your reluctantly (as he sees it) joining in the gardening is the same as his reluctantly joining in family days out. The kids are your leisure activity, so another one might bring you more satisfaction. Then you'd be off his case, blissfully traipsing round National Trust properties with two fractious infants, leaving him free to do his thing.

I don't honestly know if this is fixable. Before throwing in the towel, you could try finding out if this is how he sees things - and changing his mind. Failing that, though, it sounds like you'd be happier out of this than in it.

My ex was like this except he didn't yearn to be productive instead of going out as a family, he just wanted to do his hobbies and sit on his arse on his phone. I organised every single day out we ever went on and for the most part he would trail along behind me and DD looking like he would rather be dead, or he would silently disappear behind a tree for a vape and a scroll on his phone. Can't say I even noticed half the time. We went to a country fair last year and he didn't engage with DD once, eg look at the ponies, do you want a go on this, shall we ask if we can stroke the lambs and so on. It was all on me. I ditched him and I'm a huge amount happier because you're right, it is like having 2 children and there's nothing less attractive than becoming a man's mother. Definitely don't have another baby with him if he isn't enjoying being a family now.

I relate, OP.

If he doesn't want to go to counselling nor want to put in the effort of having a family life, and denying there's a problem, then I'm afraid you should be reassessing this relationship and your future in it.

My ex has mental health problems and gaslighted me into thinking it was all my fault. "Fun Sponge" is a good description.

Take yourself off to counselling to figure out what you want. You can't fix him.

@Garlicked makes a great point! And this makes sense of his wanting a second child. To him he is offering you more of your hobby. He must implicitly think that if he “gives” you another child he can demand more freedom for his chosen activities.
I wouldn’t bother doing couples therapy with him—and for reference I have given couple’s therapy professionally though it is not my speciality. He is emotionally immature and not interested in finding a mutually agreeable solution. He wants to win—everything is a competition—and when he doesn’t win he sulks and makes you miserable. This is who he is.

He won’t go into therapy because he is ashamed of the situation and fears finding out how unreasonable he is. If he did go into therapy working with him would be like working with an unexploded bomb. Sort of like living with him.

If he were my husband I’d sit him down and be direct:

Family life, to me, means we spend time together, with our child, because we like and love each other. We want to build memories, share our lives, grow in intimacy. Chores and “sorting things” are important tasks that we need to share but which don’t have the same value to me as spending time with you and our child. Do you share these goals with me? Or is spending time with me, doing things with me snd our child, just another snd even lesser chore to you. One that I should take care if do you can do more important things?

Omg he sounds exhausting, and also he sounds like a stereotypical nagging wife - like the 'I want you to want to buy me flowers I don't want to have to tell you to' stereotype.

You need to not bite or pander to ANY of it. He's trying to blame his mental mealth or lack of positivity on you and bring you down. Keep doing nice things for you.

Perhaps you alternate Saturdays so in a month you have one 'me day' each where the other takes the child out, one all three together and one either have people over or have a mooch and play at home day.

Please follow Jimmy on relationships on Instagram there might be some good videos to show him there

op I can very much relate to every single thing you are saying right now and I did have the second baby 12 months after my first.
It was very hard on me, I completely lost myself trying to keep up with being a mum to two babies under 2. I also ended up with postnatal depression. Things got worse for me and in my relationship and 2 yrs after our daughter was born and him wanting a third with me but I was too traumatised at the time and was so touched out with 2 under 2 that he left me.
Having a second baby will not help the problem trust me, it will makes things more intense particularly for you and your relationship. It's a bad idea. I also walked on eggshells and done all the work to organise days out, things to do. The while organising of everything fell into my lap. Dealt with the mood swings and all as well, even long before I had kids with him. I never noticed the red flags, I still sometimes my question myself about his red flags as I've convinced myself I was the problem and he quite happily let me take the blame as well which hasn't helped me. Please don't end up in my position.
Your not the problem here and don't have another with this man, I promise you it won't be the most pleasant life

He sounds like a selfish, petulant pain in the arse.

my dp got very snappy after dd was born. I’m like you op, quite passive and people pleasing and I’d go all anxious when he was snappy and actually got to the point where I really disliked how passive I was becoming.

I started just making myself be direct and assertive back. So if he said for example “I didn’t even enjoy that day out”, I might go (and I had to force this out), “well, nobody is forcing you, just make your own choices…” and then go and do something else. I stopped indulging his grumping and it worked so much better than apologising all the time and going all passive and trying to “fix” things for him. And the bonus was I stopped disliking myself for being a door mat.

He actually turned it around as he realised it wasn’t getting him anywhere. I think sometimes he was just saying stuff without thinking how it actually came across and me being quite direct in response made him stop and think a second. I think as women we are taught it’s better to kill people with kindness but if that’s not working you do need to try something else. And divorce is always an option.

He sounds like hard work. I can't see any evidence of love or affection for you in the behaviour that you've described.

Can I ask how your relationship was before your child was born? Did you do activities together at the weekend?

You are absolutely right not to have another child in these circumstances.

And I completely agree with the poster above that it isn't all on you to fix things. A relationship requires effort from both parties.

Do you spend any time alone?

I would recommend counselling

lol @Garlicked that's terrifying if true!

He’s never been very affectionate during our relationship. His parents relationship wasn’t the best growing up from what he’s described. His dad was a drinker and left his mum to do most of the activities with the children. When they went on holidays it was for them, not the children. So I can see where some of his behaviour stems.

Pre child we had our ups and downs but it’s not been as bad as it has now. My little one is a mummy girl. Wherever I go, she follows and I think he finds that challenging.

I often encourage him to do stuff with his friends, and I’ve even tried to organise stuff for him, but he said he doesn’t like me doing that so I’ve stopped. I tell him to get back into a hobby, like running, or to take up a new hobby, but he says he doesn’t want to do something new in case he makes himself look silly trying, whereas I will try anything new. Life’s too short.

I think since having our little one and a lot of our friends having their first at similar times, he’s realised he and that friendship group don’t really have much in common, so I don’t think he really has many close friends.

I find this difficult as I have friends that I see a lot and often want to socialise, but I feel bad for organising things because he isn’t doing the same.

it’s so difficult because I truly want him to be happy and enjoy life, but there is only so much I can do and I cannot have the joy squeezed from me