Am I the problem?

[feelinglonely101]

My partner goes through stages of being extremely negative. He is miserable, doesn’t enjoy days out, and picks up on things I do or don’t do. Don’t get me wrong, I can be negative, but I always enjoy our time as a family and I always search for new things for us to do and enjoy.

Today is one of those days. We went out to a farm park as a family. He had a face like a slapped you know what half the time. He then later complained that he was annoyed as we hadn’t been productive today and it was now too late to be productive (it was 3pm, literally when our little one woke for her nap). He said he didn’t enjoy going out earlier either. I told him to be grateful because a lot of people would love our life and we are blessed with a gorgeous almost 2 year old.

He has said to me that from now on, on the weekend he’s going to do something he enjoys/ wants to do. I said that’s no problem with me, I just want him to be happy but he is sucking me of my positivity and it’s making me sad.

I suggested the doctors for some support, but he won’t go.

He says he misses his old freedom of when we didn’t have a child, where we could be productive over the weekend. I told him that life changes and she is our priority. He wants another baby, but I’ve told him until he sorts his behaviour out, I won’t be having another one. He seems to think it’ll be easier with 2?!?

I can’t help but feel that I am the issue. It seems like I am responsible for his happiness and I am failing miserably.

I often encourage him to do stuff with his friends, and I’ve even tried to organise stuff for him, but he said he doesn’t like me doing that so I’ve stopped. I tell him to get back into a hobby, like running, or to take up a new hobby, but he says he doesn’t want to do something new in case he makes himself look silly trying

Bloody hell I don't think I've ever called anyone a miserable drip before, but your esteemed husband has the dubious honour of combining "miserable git" with "drip" in a manner previously unseen.

So ... Would you rather be an effectively single parent, resolutely ignoring the whining background noise of a self-pitying twat, or an actual single parent doing what's best for you and your daughter with less commentary?

He sounds like a miserable git. I'd stop trying to please him and get on with enjoying life with your little one. See your friends, go out and about and do what makes you happy. You are not responsible for his happiness and he obviously doesn't appreciate your efforts. Leave him at home to do the weeding! Tell him honestly that his miserable attitude drags you down and that you're not going to let it any more.

This! He’s a selfish prick and personally if someone made me this miserable I wouldn’t be looking to fix the relationship, I’d be looking to walk away. Picture yourself 10 years down the line with this man, how happy will you be then?

Edited to add children are only small once, make the best of their younger years and have fun with them, they’re not small for long. There’s plenty of time for weeding when they’re older.

So today I went and did my own thing with my little one and left my other half to it as he didn’t want to come.

I was out all day and got back about 5.30. Little one didn’t nap so put her down earlier than usual.

Asked him what he did today and he said all he did was vacuum and sleep. I said about wanting to be productive and he said he had enough of everything.

We then started talking about him going to the doctors and he said he wouldn’t know what to say. I said that he needs to stop making excuses and actually book an appointment or fill out an online consultation form. I said to him that he told me he had been feeling better, he said that he did, but then he dreads the weekends.. nice. I asked him how he thinks that makes me feel to hear that. I also said that he’s being a fun sponge at the moment and it’s hard for me, hence why he needs to go to the doctors. He then said that he’s going to do something he enjoys on the weekend, to which I replied that I have always encouraged him to do that. He said I hadn’t and got frustrated, because that’s not true. We just need time to ourselves without little one on occasions to do what we want to do as adults. He then kicked off at me and said “see this is why I don’t tell you things, because all you talk about is how it’s making you feel when I’m telling you how I feel”. He stormed off and said “I’ve had enough, I almost put a rope around my neck earlier.”

I am obviously worried about him but honestly what can I do? When I listen I’m wrong. But he never asks how I am feeling either.

fucking shit show

Kick him out.

If you are concerned for his mental wellbeing and think he might actually harm himself you can contact your local mental health team and tell them he may be in crisis

this is so shit for you having to deal with this, yes you should be able to respond with how what’s happening is affecting you and your daughter, I’m not sure he is able to hear that if he’s in mental crisis, it could be adding guilt on top of how he’s feeling already, he could be feeling like he’s drowning.

if he’s not in mental crisis then he’s being a cock

if you decide that dealing with him is not something you can or want to do then that is fine, just do what you can to prepare then make a clean break from the relationship and him, if this happens then you cannot let his threats against himself sway you, but you can report his threats to harm or kill himself

You know him best OP, do you think he is having a mental health crisis and potentially suicidal or is he just using this to bully you into backing down so he can do what he likes. He is basically telling you he doesn't enjoy spending time with you and your DC - he would rather be doing other things. Are you happy for that to continue, so be the one taking to parties and clubs and sports and all the other stuff as kids grow up whilst he does as he likes? He's had a whole day today getting what he wanted yet he's still annoyed at you. He should be saying thanks for giving me some time to be on my own and de-stress. It isn't fair for him to be behaving like living with you and DC is the worst thing ever yet also feel entitled to mope about the house being miserable and snappy, and not discussing things with you properly. I would ask him to move out for a bit and see if he can get himself feeling better and ready to be a part of the family again.

He says he doesn’t know what to say to a doctor. Tell him to go to the doctor tomorrow or soon and tell them he thought about killing himself today with a rope. ( it is a worry that not only has he thought about suicide, but also how to do it) He needs professional help- you can’t do it.

If he wants to be “productive”, give him a long list of chores and leave him to it while you go out and enjoy quality time with your child.

I used to be with a dh who was negative about everything. It was so draining !

So to summarize:

1. He blames you when the things HE wants done are not being done, even though he is equally an adult capable or organizing things

2. He withholds appreciation or recognition of your efforts to plan a birthday event for him and instead complains about it

3. He criticizes you for wanting to make your daughter's room nicer, for NOT being interested in the garden, and then later for BEING interested in the garden

4. He threatens that he would rather end the relationship than work on the issues

5. He takes no responsibility for fixing any of the things he is complaining about, will not seek help from GP or counseling

6. He denies that there are problems that need to be addressed, despite ongoing complaining

7. He doesn't apologies unless asked - so seems to have no remorse or compassion for you, or consider that he has a responsibility to treat you well

8. You are beginning to feel bad about organizing things for yourself because he is making you feel bad for him

9. He is miserable about things that are not your fault but acts as if they are your fault and it is your job to fix it

10. When you try to speak to him about the glaring issues that are present, he then threatens to harm himself

11. He never asks how you are feeling

12. When you dare to share how you are feeling he blows up

13. He blames you for being the reason why he can't talk to you

14. you are constantly wrong and constantly in 'no-win' situations

Have you considered having counseling independently?

The way you are feeling is not a normal way to feel in a regular relationship. Feeling like it is your fault, you are the problem, etc, is very much a hallmark of how women who are in abusive relationships feel, so it might be helpful to find a counselor who has knowledge of abusive dynamics to understand if this is what is going on.

I think you should say clearly I am the wrong person to help you, and I think you should go and stay somewhere else for a while. I also think you should go and see a doctor, but I can’t make you and god knows I’ve put 100x as much energy into making you happy as you have put into me so I’m all out. We have a beautiful daughter and I wish you could see that, but you need to leave and stop making me miserable.

I'd be telling him he knows where the door is, and he's invited to walk right though it. He's a miserable fuck who blames you for his inadequacies and then manipulates you with alluding to suicide to shut you up. I'd be furious if I were you.

Your marriage is doomed, so the sooner you start getting your affairs in order, the better. You're better off without this anchor around your neck.

This is worth suggesting @feelinglonely101 We had one for our doomed marriage and he absolutely saw through the crap. He was brilliant actually in terms of his direct insightfulness of our marriage. I needed someone to pull me aside and give a third party nitty gritty perspective on how salvageable it was.

I took DD to see him as well, since she had considerable anxiety and had shut down. He got her talking and since then, she has been proactive in seeking help.

Why was he not productive before 3pm?

He misses the freedom he had before the baby came along... he wants another baby...🤔

Thank you for everyone’s responses. Sorry for not responding to you all individually. I tried to talk to him this morning but it ended in tears for me and I’ve had a migraine all day. I did speak with his parents and they said not to let him blame me if he’s not being proactive and it’s not my fault if he isn’t happy. I cried because I felt so helpless.

I asked him if he had called the doctors today and he told me he hadn’t as he had been “flat out” in work. I knew this would be the case, so I called up this afternoon on my way home from work and booked a telephone call with the mental health nurse at our GP for him. I told him of this and he didn’t get angry at me for doing it, but neither did he say thank you.

I struggle to comprehend the fact that I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. We have been together for over 10 years and when I was younger I was very up and down with my emotions and I struggled to regulate my emotions. He would do things which he said he wouldn’t do and then I’d kick off (never physical) but it would hurt me so much. I wonder if this was reactive abuse?

I am keen to seek the support of a counsellor for myself to delve deeper into how I can help myself and understand what’s going on

He Is either genuinely suicidal or he's trying to control and scare you. Either way it is not safe for your child to be around someone so unwell or abusive. He gets help or he gets out.

@BirthdayRainbow when I said to him I was genuinely worried about his mental health and him doing something “silly”, he said he wouldn’t actually do anything, but sometimes he feels that he would be better of dead. I told him that isn’t true, and we would be devastated if he were to do something like that. But he reassured me that he wouldn’t. I told him this morning I’d be calling him to check in on him and he told me that he didn’t need me pestering him cos he wasn’t that bad

Don't have any more children with this man-child. The child you already have is also going to be treading on eggshells too and that is no way to live for an adult,let alone a child.

i wish you all the best in this situation, I really hope your partner gets the help he needs, and please do seek out any help you need too, dealing with another persons crisis is draining on your own mental health and can lead to feeling depressed yourself, if you have suffered with your mental health before then you need support in place

Don’t have any more children in this situation.

What strikes me about his unhappiness is that he’s not willing to do anything about it. He blames you for HIM choosing to not do the garden all weekend because you all went to the farm for 1/2 a day? What about the rest of the weekend, he chose to not do the garden, how is that your fault? It doesn’t make sense. You are not responsible for his happiness he needs to take action himself (of course you can encourage and support him).

My DH went through a really bad bout of depression, didn’t want to do anything,
moaned about everything, didn’t plan his own time and blamed me for not having any time, came home and criticised me for anything I’d done around the house whilst he was out etc etc. I then became depressed, it was a truly awful time but we did come through it.

He has always refused to see a doctor or therapist. What has helped him massively to start to enjoy life again is:

Meditation - he downloaded an app and does ten minutes after work to destress

Running - at home on treadmill as he too was worried about looking ‘silly’

Reading - I bought him a
magazine subscription for Xmas and he now loves reading

Socialising/hobbies - Spending 1/2 day each weekend going out with a friend from work to football match or watching football on tv

Compromising on free time - We compromised on how we spend our weekends, we now have date night on Fridays, 1/2 a day spent on chores, 1/2 a day doing our own activities (with a little one on the way we’ve agreed that this will be on alternate weekends going forward so we both still get to do something on our own whilst the other has the baby) and then one day spent together as a family day.

He’s literally a completely different person now, the criticism and negativity has stopped and we don’t have any conflict over time.

He really is a disgrace. He needs to understand how saying things like that can affect someone. He has to apologise. Tell him if he ever threatens it again he has to leave. But it should be over now tbh.

Stop overcompensating for him. Im thinking specifically about you feeling you need to monitor and check up on himI to prevent him from killing himself. You should not be in a position to feel you are on suicide watch.

I think he is unhappy and he does impulsively threaten suicide more or less sincerely but its not sincere (unless he has a history of actual gestures). Its just a feeling of despair and an attempt to make you back off.

You don’t want to be married to this man who refuses to enjoy life. Refuses to engage with you. Refuses to be s father to your beautiful daughter. Whats the point of a man like that?

Leave as fast and as hard as you can. He eill never improve.

Hi @feelinglonely101

It's so great you've reached out here for support - you are not alone in what you are experiencing. What you describe has so many similarities to what I went through. I spent years trying to making things better and the only thing that happened is I got more and more worn down - and this had a huge impact on my children. So for your sake, and for your little one's sake, please bring some attention to yourself and what you need, reach out and make an appointment with your GP or phone Women's Aid to get the support you deserve.

Also, check out this video which is really helpful for understanding how abuse works in the absence of blatant forms of abuse like physical assault, damaging property, name-calling. The fact is that when blatant forms of abuse are present the more subtle ones are present too, but it is easier to be clear about the overt abuse (and other people will be more able to validate your experience as abuse when you've been attacked or shouted at).

I totally hear you about the shock of comprehending that you might be experiencing emotional abuse. Also, reactive abuse is definitely a thing, and something some people will be very judgey about - naturally it is easy to be judgey if you've never experienced how intense the pressure is when you live with someone who constantly and relentlessly makes you the problem and does it in ways that are very hard to pin down.

I’m worried that I could be a narcissist in my relationship, I am genuinely worried that I am the problem. I’m going to seek counselling for myself to understand everything better. I’m so confused