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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me decide if should I text! Going crazy.

85 replies

BristolZoo · 11/05/2024 09:26

A few weeks ago I started seeing a bloke from work. He was lovely, we got on well it was all good. We went on about 5 dates and spent the night together. I was very clear that I didn't do one night stands and he agreed that this wasn't one. We had a lovely night together.
In the weeks since he has grown more distant, not texting, too busy to meet etc..
It's just classic - he not that into me and I have to get over it.

But, I'm really struggling to move on from it and am annoyed at myself for trusting him so quickly. I think, because I knew him I felt a stronger connection more quickly than I would have if we were strangers from OLD.

I haven't heard anything from him for a few days now. I really want clarity but I don't want to look like I'm desperate or needy. I feel hurt by his actions but not sure how to act around him. I have to see him next week, goodness knows how he thinks that's going to go!
Text or no text!? What do I say?

OP posts:
ThePassageOfTime · 11/05/2024 09:28

Do not text. I'm sorry OP but he's ditched you after sex. Nasty bloke.

Keep your dignity and block and delete. He hasn't bothered getting in touch, that's all the clarity you need.

Meltingchocolate · 11/05/2024 09:31

Have you seen him since you spent the night together?

I wouldn’t text as he seems to have made it clear that he is not interested.

Original poster
BristolZoo · 11/05/2024 09:31

He has text but the messages are becoming less and less frequent. But yes, I agree he has ditched me.

Trouble is, I can't block and delete, I wish I could, that would be easier. We work together and we are in various group chats etc. I don't want to make anything obvious to the people around us.

OP posts:
Enough4me · 11/05/2024 09:32

Normally I'd encourage communication to know where you stand, but on this occasion it's clear. I'd rise above it and have nothing to do with him (as far as possible).

He will probably put effort in after a while, but that will be to have sex when it suits him. He isn't interested in you and he has clearly shown that.

boredinmy30s · 11/05/2024 09:33

You can block him and still see his messages in group chats.

WhatsApp is great like that. Block!

Original poster
BristolZoo · 11/05/2024 09:33

I haven't seen him since we spent the night together.
It's left me feeling like shit to be honest and I don't know if I should tell him that!?

OP posts:
suntannedsnowballsinhellskitchen · 11/05/2024 09:33

No, definitely do not text.

I always imagine men showing their mates desperate texts and calling us weird fish if we appear needy, that's enough to put the phone down and go about my day.

suntannedsnowballsinhellskitchen · 11/05/2024 09:35

@BristolZoo also - he probably knows he's hurt you, what's the point in confirming it?

Block, smile and wave penguin style in work. It's all good.

TwilightSkies · 11/05/2024 09:36

What clarity do you need? He’s obviously not interested. Saying pretty much anything to him will just look like desperation.
Do you think he will give you some kind of magic answer that will make you feel better?
Take the high ground, ignore and move on. Take control of the situation.

category12 · 11/05/2024 09:37

I was very clear that I didn't do one night stands

Yeah, that doesn't work.

Original poster
BristolZoo · 11/05/2024 09:38

Urrggghh. You are all right!
I'm just so hurt by it, I didn't see it coming at all!!!
He just didint seem like that sort of bloke.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 11/05/2024 09:39

No no no, do NOT text, he's not nice OP

Original poster
BristolZoo · 11/05/2024 09:40

category12 · 11/05/2024 09:37

I was very clear that I didn't do one night stands

Yeah, that doesn't work.

Haha. Clearly!!
He was all - "is that what you think this is!?, that's not what I want at all.
I really like you and love spending time with you"...
Bastard!

OP posts:
Howbizarre22 · 11/05/2024 09:40

I’m so sorry to be crass but you’ve classically been “fucked n chucked.” Another day another selfish bastard treating a woman like shit. Honestly it’s most of them out there, I stay single for this reason!

category12 · 11/05/2024 09:41

Just be civil and professional at work.

Do bite the bullet and go in rather than trying to put it off, as it'll just get bigger in your head.

HelloJillll · 11/05/2024 09:42

Urgh what a sad little boy. Unable to deal with confrontation so just avoiding you.

If it makes you feel better to text and say something, go for it. Personally, I would just delete his number & write it off as a short term loss but long term win. He’s a loser, a child… you can do so much better!

Napolie · 11/05/2024 09:44

Don’t text him. Convince yourself you’ve “fucked and chucked” him. Maintain your dignity and mentally detach from him.

Upinthenightagain · 11/05/2024 09:48

No message is also a message and it cuts both ways. Maintain some dignity

curiousasacat · 11/05/2024 09:52

Urgh what a pathetic dickhead he is. Cant stand that behaviour- just be adult enough to be honest about it.

OP- you are reacting this way because your emotions have taken over. You need to look at this logically- he's emotionally immature and cannot handle being honest and open even in the beginning stages of dating, imagine what a shit show he would be if it continued? It's always hurtful to be treated like this but consider this as helpful/useful information for you regarding what he'd actually be like in a relationship- eg shit and non communicative. You dont need closure, you now have this information about him that he isnt capable of acting like a grown mature adult and therefore YOU can now make the choice to emotionally disengage from him. Take the decision to discard him mentally in your mind and get on with your life and dont give up on dating.

Dont text him- you wont get any kind of answer from him, he isnt capable of it. If he was, he would have done it already. If you do see him at work act coolly normal. He isnt a good option for a relationship and now you know that- think of this as a good thing. x

Original poster
BristolZoo · 11/05/2024 09:53

He was the first guy I've been with after the end of a long marriage and I think maybe that's why the connection felt deep!?
I haven't had sex for 3 years so it felt bloody amazing. I really need to get him out of my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
BristolZoo · 11/05/2024 09:55

I honestly feel like such a fool! I can't believe I fell for it. I'm 45 for fuck sake.

OP posts:
curiousasacat · 11/05/2024 09:56

You arent a fool- it's pretty normal to meet someone who appears decent and then find out they were lying all along. Of the two of you, who do you think has acted poorly in this situation? hint- its not you.

Stop judging yourself and start judging him- he's the one who is the prick in this scenario.

category12 · 11/05/2024 10:06

BristolZoo · 11/05/2024 09:53

He was the first guy I've been with after the end of a long marriage and I think maybe that's why the connection felt deep!?
I haven't had sex for 3 years so it felt bloody amazing. I really need to get him out of my head.

At least you enjoyed it. You're back on the horse!

Being in your head is mostly the oxytocin and fantasy/hope. It will pass.

DixonD · 11/05/2024 10:22

boredinmy30s · 11/05/2024 09:33

You can block him and still see his messages in group chats.

WhatsApp is great like that. Block!

Why bother blocking someone who isn’t interested in messaging you?

Didimum · 11/05/2024 10:32

I agree it’s clear where you stand, but …

I have never agreed with the stance of this ‘silent dignity’. Honestly I think it’s crap and allows people to treat others like shit so they can slink away into the distance exactly as they wish to, instead of behaving like an adult. I say a big ‘fuck that’. There is absolutely nothing undignified about letting someone know they behaved like a piece of shit and they should do better.

Will they care? Will it change them? Who really cares? You do it for your benefit and not for him.

If it were me I’d text something like ‘I see you’re attempting the slow fade. Communicate your intentions instead of treating others poorly. You are, presumably, an adult. I won’t be responding.’

He will either not respond at all or else reply with something pathetic like ‘hey, why are you so mad? I’ve just been busy’, to make some attempt to relieve his feelings of being called out. It’s not your job to relieve them. It’s only your job to relieve your own feelings and speak up when someone shits on you.