Help me decide if should I text! Going crazy.

[BristolZoo]

A few weeks ago I started seeing a bloke from work. He was lovely, we got on well it was all good. We went on about 5 dates and spent the night together. I was very clear that I didn't do one night stands and he agreed that this wasn't one. We had a lovely night together.
In the weeks since he has grown more distant, not texting, too busy to meet etc..
It's just classic - he not that into me and I have to get over it.

But, I'm really struggling to move on from it and am annoyed at myself for trusting him so quickly. I think, because I knew him I felt a stronger connection more quickly than I would have if we were strangers from OLD.

I haven't heard anything from him for a few days now. I really want clarity but I don't want to look like I'm desperate or needy. I feel hurt by his actions but not sure how to act around him. I have to see him next week, goodness knows how he thinks that's going to go!
Text or no text!? What do I say?

I got ghosted a few times in my online dating times too, and I always sent a text to let them know they weren’t a decent human being and maybe they should think about being one. Sometimes I heard back (and would not reply) and sometimes I didn’t – never regretted sending them. I didn’t send them to incite a reply or to incite an emotion in him – I sent them in the knowledge that I speak up for myself when treated badly.

If you’re treated badly in any other situation, you’re often encouraged to stand up for how you believe you should be treated. If a family member digs at you, if your friend undermines you, if your partner undervalues you, if a stranger cuts you up on the road or pushes in a queue or shoves you on a bus. But suddenly you’re beggy and desperate and undignified to disallow men the pleasure of silence after they use you sexually and romantically.

But, having thought about it, I think,.in the end, it'll make me feel worse. He will probably answer (in a day or two) with something like - "that wasn't my intention, I just haven't had time, I'm really busy at the moment" and it won't help and maybe make me look needy

Exactly and then you will want to reply again and it will go on and on. Disengage completely, the more you text him and the more excuses he makes the more you will get wound up by him. Sometimes the healthiest thing is to let things go and move on. The more interaction you have with him the more you'll be thinking about him and he'll be taking up your precious headspace

Exactly as @Didimum said. I didn't do it to start a conversation, he did reply - I didn't answer, I blocked him. I replied to call him out on how seedy and distasteful it was for an adult man to manipulate someone into sex. And then I moved on.

She can’t block he’s a colleague, she works with him

She can block him on her personal devices and accounts.

100% do not text.

Be polite when you see him and let him come to you, which he will if he doesn’t feel pressure or like you’re going to be emotional about it. Whether he’s worth it or not is another question and you can evaluate that on what he does next and how he’s reacted by getting scared/distancing himself.

if he doesn’t, and really, no one can guarantee a relationship- learn from it and move on.

I shouldn't have slept with him. I should have waited longer. Its a lesson learnt.
But I really did trust him, I think because I knew him.
Other people told me he was a great guy (those who haven't slept with him presumably!!) And I let my guard down.
Also, the first connection after a loveless marriage is intense! The first time we kissed took my breath away. I havent been kissed like that for years!!
And I was horny as hell. I had to get it out of my system.
I'll just have to get on with it now and hope the feeling fade.

Waiting longer wouldn't have necessarily changed the outcome.

You had a great time, it felt really good - this isn't a disaster because it hasn't turned into something more.

I do remember one time in my early-mid 20s, a guy I was friends with (but no longer) was an absolute cad and did this all the time. Was definitely smug and braggy about it to his mates. One girl he was slow-fading got in touch and said something along the lines of ‘hey, sorry to be a bit distant since we last met up. To be honest with I didn’t feel we were a great match sexually. I am used to someone a little more masculine and confident in bed. But you’re such a sweetie, it’s just a compatibility thing’. And wow, he went into weeks of agonising over ‘his size’ and asking reassurance from his close mates and asking me what I thought she meant by that. It was brilliant.

I don't think it would have made a difference if you waited longer. He'd have buggered off after anyway. Some men are horrible.

To be fair...what if he didn't enjoy the sex? I mean if its a situation where the sex falls flat then what are you meant to do really? Surely better to just fade out.

Men are allowed to be fussy there too.

I'd just message 'so shall we just chalk that up to a bit of fun and draw a line under it? Because if you're not all in then I'm going to have to start online dating again and I'd like to know now because summer is coming!'

Then if he says he's all in - hold him to making an effort. If he doesn't, dump him.

haha! love this 😂

Fading out is fine if both people are fading out. If not, then you politely say that you don’t want progress the dating or a relationship and wish them well.

I wish I knew whether she’d sent it genuinely or if she was just pissed at him. Either way, props to her.

@Didimum - that’s a great story.

@BristolZoo - there’s no single right answer to this - it depends on circumstances and personalities. But the fact that you and he work together is a key circumstance and I think argues in favour of playing things cool and just letting it go. He isn’t going to be able to fix this. He knows it’s poor form. If he tries to pick things up again in the future, you can give him a clear brush-off.

Because you were in a long-term relationship, you got used to sex being a relationship thing but in the early stages there are no guarantees that someone will stick around.

When I was 18 my dad told me never to believe what a man said about his sex life. It’s not what you want to hear from your dad but I’ve had numerous opportunities to test this over the decades personally, with friends and I’ve even discussed it with male friends and it is absolutely true. When it comes to getting a woman into bed, a man will say what he thinks she wants to hear. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have sex early on - most adults are going to do so, I think; being reasonably compatible sexually is important to most people and the 5th date is a very reasonable starting point for sex - just accept that there are no guarantees that it will be more than a one-off.

Can you spin this? As a PP said - you’re back in the saddle and it sounds like you had a very successful and enjoyable reintroduction to the saddle! Take the learning that sadly you can’t trust what men say in that kind of moment so make sure you are properly protected (condom/contraception etc). Sounds like you could have some seriously fun times ahead of you, OP!

Sorry this happened Op. 🩷

I wouldn’t text him. Try not to give him anymore headspace (I appreciate it’s easier said than done)

I know it feels shit now, but in a couple of weeks time you’ll feel better, and you’ll be thinking “eurgh, what a prick” 😆

All the love xxx

You did nothing wrong, he did.

Onwards and upwards from this muppet!

How are things now, OP?

Same thing happened to me op
I'd split up with husband and bloke from work lead me on for 4 months , slept with me then dropped me. I'd known him for years
I'm ashamed to say I left it a few months then one night after I'd seen him at a work night out I sent him an absolute tirade or abuse about what he'd done
Felt better for it tbh .

What an arsehole. He basically got you to sleep with him on the assurance that it was more than a one night stand, then once he's had his fun, blanks you. Just rise above it. Smirk at him. You're the one that could tell everyone in the office how he behaved. You've got the upper hand. Do not look remotely bothered. Just give him a look like 'I see you Jimmy'. Then move on to your normal work friends. I doubt he'd want all the women in the office to know what he's like?

Tell him that you feel like shit?! Hell no!!!

Rise above it and act like you couldn't care less. Believe me, telling him you're upset will not make one ounce of difference to anything.

I think you're failing to see that the bloke could not care less. "You treat people like garbage" - He knows and doesn't give a shit! "I'm not here for it" - Well you kind of are. Because you're clearly still spending time thinking about him and texting him!!!

It's the equivalent of sending a text to say I don't want to speak to you again. Or posting on social media that you're taking a break from social media 😂

No OP, ignore this advice please. He knows what he's done, pointing it out will do absolutely nothing. He's not going to gain a load of respect for you and go "you know what, she's right. I do treat women badly and need to change"

You shagged, he lost interest and moved on. It happens. All the time. Do the same for yourself. Chin up and move on!

If you'd have waited longer he would have just done this further along the line. He obviously didn't feel the connection and feelings that you did. Be glad it's done with and you can move on.

This thread is well over a week old, so I'm sure OP has made whatever decision she has made.

My entire point is, if you read the rest of my comments, is that texting him is not for the man's benefit, emotions or reaction whatsoever, it is solely for the woman saying what she wants to say, not caring how he feels about it either way.

Being 'not here for it' is saying you don't let people treat you like crap and then stay in 'dignified' silence, if you want to say how you feel.

When he comes crawling back - and he will, you then have the power to say 'no thanks'. and that will feel glorious.