Found viagra in husbands wallet

[Helloookittee]

He says it’s for me for us to try and kickstart us having sex again. We’ve not really talked about that for a few months and it’s been a rocky time in our marriage the last few years.

There were two tablets bought at the beginning of April, he said he didn’t want to discuss as he felt embarrassed. Not sure why he didn’t put in the cupboard or his side table. The wallet??

He assures me he loves me, there’s no one else and he wouldn’t dream of having an affair. He was really upset last night, woke me up at 2am to ask me if I believed him as he couldn’t cope if I didn’t. He went on about how much he has messed stuff up between us when he wanted to try and improve things. He said he’d struggle to sleep if I didn’t say I believed him. As I was tired I said I did.

I’m still not convinced though…he’s a recovering alcoholic and I used to get flat out denials and then I’d find bottles of vodka. He says this is why he woke me up as he knows it doesn’t look good.

I’m feeling pretty confused…wwyd Mumsnet?

I’d kill my DH if he woke me up to tell me that.

I would say I’d believe your DH apart from the alcoholism and past lies. I hate liars, I couldn’t trust him again OP. Only you know if he’s ‘worth it’ or not.

So depressing. ED is embarrassing for us even if women can’t understand it, and I’d say a lot of us would try to hide it as long as possible.
This is honestly the last place where I’d look for genuine relationships advice because many people only want to advise you to break up. It’s so unhelpful and a disservice to the OPs.

How do you know an alcoholic ('ex' or current) is lying? Their mouth is moving. Sorry, OP. Been there x

Hello Mumsnet. He protested his innocence and I mean really doubled down on me questioning him, by getting increasingly angry about my misinterpretation. There is no one else as he wouldn’t have the energy or the desire to have an affair. When I mentioned prostitution, he said even accusing him of that was hurtful and ridiculous. The viagra purchase was a one off and he didn’t want to go to the doctors as it was embarrassing.

I kept asking him why he was angry and he said it’s because he realises doing something that was incredibly deep and personal has messed everything up again for us. He said he understands why I’m finding it hard to believe him but there is nothing he can do to change my doubts.

I didn’t dare mention all this to my friend as she’s going through her own life problems.

I feel low again and disheartened. I can’t discuss anything without it turning back to his issues. I think it will take more than viagra to work through these issues in our marriage.

Thank you everyone for your differing views. At least I now know he’s not putting it about elsewhere.

This is what I'm thinking. Having some viagra in your wallet doesn't look great but if it's genuinely innocent why is he begging for you to say you believe him at 2am? Also saying he knows he's fucked up. Like is having viagra in your wallet really "fucking up?" It's a level of guilt that shouldn't be necessary if all is innocent if that makes sense? I mean he could just be a very anxious person and an over thinker and if you've laid it on thick then perhaps he feels the need to know everything's okay. Only you know your husband OP

@Helloookittee

don’t listen to all the bitter women
he has taken some positive action on an area he finds hard to talk about as it’s to do with a deep male thing

you should be happy

if he was having an affair he wouldn’t if he didn’t support so this is a good thing for you both.

shame of the women who said otherwise

He’s already done the damage before this incident by the sounds of things. That’s on him. At some point there may be a straw that breaks the camels back. Maybe this is it? Some serious thinking to do OP. Buying viagra was never going to ‘cure’ a relationship he’d damaged. He needs to try harder.

OP, his reaction tells you everything you need to know about your relationship. You expressed your doubts and worries and he responded by getting increasingly angry. And yet the previous day he had confessed to messing up and even woke you in the night to beg forgiveness.
Now when you've queried it further he's turned into a 'poor me' pity party.
I'm sorry, but l think you have some serious thinking to do about your future together. Maybe consider some counselling for yourself to help you navigate this?

How are these purchased in a pharmacy? Can he just pick them up or does he have to ask for them? I would say that the men who are really embarrassed about that just order it online?
But then he might have been worried about you seeing the package arrive?

No idea what your third sentence means.

And there's no shame on the women who suggested he could be up to no good. Because he possibly is. Many posters on here have found out that their partners were cheating after finding viagra!

Shame on yourself 😂

He woke you at 2am about this ? To protest his innocence !
An innocent person wouldn’t need to do this.
He’s got a guilty conscience OP !

He’s got form for lying in the past too.

That pills are in his wallet ( not next to your bed) is also suss.
Sounds like he’s been shagging around.

I wonder why he’d say he’s messed up if he’d just bought medication to improve your intimacy. Doesn’t make sense.

I get extremely anxious about him and then when he feels reassured by me, everything goes back to ‘normal’ with him having no understanding of the mental distress I’ve gone through. That’s what it was like during his drinking years.

My ex was like this, unable to cope with any uncomfortable emotions himself so would need things to go back to normal, then he'd relax enough that he'd often go and do the same shit again (he was an addict too). No problem with inflicting or causing uncomfortable emotions or anxiety in me though as long as he didn't have to feel any of them himself for long.

Not being able to sleep and then saying he messed up and the way he needs reassurance that this is over now look guilty as hell.

I also think it's a sign of guilt that he had them in his wallet, and that he bought them in a pharmacy instead of online....because the least embarrassing way would be online but he didn't do that.

He really has gone back to normal. No attempts at anything sexual or even proper affection after his angry protests of innocence. I’m not sure what was the point of him buying unless he truly has compartmentalised and is being unfaithful in one way or the other.

It’s hard being married to someone like this. @kkloo your ex behaviour is exactly how DH is. I just feel low and awful now. Again!

You don't have to stay married to someone who you feel like this with.

It doesn't actually matter if he's unfaithful or not, or whether he's now in recovery - if you can't trust him anymore, if the relationship makes you miserable or harms your emotional/mental wellbeing, you can end it.

There doesn't have to be some new killer blow of something he's done wrong, you can just be done.

Thanks @category12 very true but I’m so scared to take the next steps. Always have been despite me for years seeing a counsellor about his behaviour and our relationship. I just find it such a struggle to quit.

When I found out my husband was cheating with prostitutes he kept viagra in his wallet. He also couldn’t sleep the first night I voiced my suspicions, wanted to cuddle me & kept saying he couldn’t sleep until I told him I believed him.
Your husband may be completely innocent but thought it worth sharing what I experienced. That guilty conscience is coming from somewhere, trust your gut

Co-dependence, trauma bond?

Are you still with him?

What’s a trauma bond please?

You just go to the counter and ask for them, few questions about general health as it can cause problems if you have issues with blood pressure and will advise you to tell your GP but they certainly can be purchased from a pharmacist, though not just picked up, obviously less embarrassing to buy online but why should you be embarrassed

They are, or at least used to be, very expensive, so yes 1 or 2 tablets is a reasonable amount until you know that you will regularly need more of them. You can get them on prescription from your GP, but s/he would only put one or two tablets on the prescription, because of the cost.

I'm going to try and ignore the fact that he's a recovering alcoholic for a moment...as that puts a slightly different perspective on things.

Firstly, you can buy them in packs of two. What was the cost of the Viagra on the receipt? this would indicate how many he bought initially and whether any were used. i used to get packs of 8 for £28 online, so roughly £3.50 per tab.

Secondly, for all those saying no man would keep them in his wallet - Don't forget PDE5's take 30-60 minutes to kick in. Therefore, having them in his bedside table is not all that practable as by the time he takes one, upstairs, already half in bed, he won't have the time for them to do their magic. A wallet is usually in a mans pocket, or close by so they are therefore easier accessible.

Men get erection issues at some point in their life, and most men don't talk about them. Keeping it a secret from you is not a sign of infidelity IMO. Has he had issues in the past?

If you have been relatively sexually inactive for some time, it is likely he is still masturbating, and he has possibly had issues getting fully hard. They may or may not be for his own use during his 'personal time' or, may be to give him an extra boost either with or without you.

Unfortunately your trust has previously been broken with his alcoholism and lies, most with an addiction become compulsive liars and learn to cover their tracks. Now, being a RA does not mean he will cheat on you, they are and should not be linked in any way, but, you will likely find it difficult to tell when he's lying and telling the truth.

You need an open and frank conversation with him, don't jump to conclusions but let him know you want the truth and nothing but the truth.

No, I tried to stay for the sake of the kids & his promises were convincing initially, but I could never trust him again & rightfully so, he went back to his old ways

Hi lovely!

After Christmas I found packs of it in my partner (14 years and two young children) school bag (he's a teacher).

It utterly crippled me, especially as I'd known we hadn't had sex in a year. We have financial difficulties, both work full time stressful jobs, two boys and not a lot of support for childcare. Our younger son has also been in and out of High Dependency Unit at the hospital for 7 months for constant breathing difficulties. I felt like I'd lost myself, it was never that I didn't want to be intimate with my partner. I was exhausted and felt like a shell of a person.

He expressed he no longer loved me and as we weren't having sex, said we were friends. We are now separating and selling our family home. The last 6 months have devastated me. He wasn't interested in trying to talk about anything and it felt the sex thing was the reason he disconnected himself from me. I've given everything to my family and always put my family before my own needs.

I have asked him 5 times if he is/has there been someone else. He still says no but I don't believe him. He said he was talking about our sex life with a friend and he had given my partner the Viagra, telling him it would help us. My partner said he had them as he'd planned to give them to colleagues at work. There was a little black tablet, a whole box out of date unopened and a sheet with one missing.

It's just heartbreaking and so insulting...

I really hope you get to the bottom of it!! I plan to ask my partner again when our boys are out the house about them and really question him. We are separated but living in our house together raising our boys. It's the hardest thing I've had to go through. I may never get to the bottom of it but he shows no empathy toward me. Just carries on as usual quite happily.

I hope this is some support that you're not alone with this...

If it is the case, that they're for someone else then you deserve so much better my lovely.