Found viagra in husbands wallet

[Helloookittee]

He says it’s for me for us to try and kickstart us having sex again. We’ve not really talked about that for a few months and it’s been a rocky time in our marriage the last few years.

There were two tablets bought at the beginning of April, he said he didn’t want to discuss as he felt embarrassed. Not sure why he didn’t put in the cupboard or his side table. The wallet??

He assures me he loves me, there’s no one else and he wouldn’t dream of having an affair. He was really upset last night, woke me up at 2am to ask me if I believed him as he couldn’t cope if I didn’t. He went on about how much he has messed stuff up between us when he wanted to try and improve things. He said he’d struggle to sleep if I didn’t say I believed him. As I was tired I said I did.

I’m still not convinced though…he’s a recovering alcoholic and I used to get flat out denials and then I’d find bottles of vodka. He says this is why he woke me up as he knows it doesn’t look good.

I’m feeling pretty confused…wwyd Mumsnet?

Unless this is a drip feed and you've got other reasons to think he's being unfaithful then what he's telling you is quite possibly the truth. Mumsnet can be a hotbox of paranoia sometimes, some of the kneejerk replies on here are almost comical.

OP l think you need to be wary and protect yourself. I think if he's a liar as shown over the flat out denial over his drinking, then you have cause to worry. A leopard doesn't change its spots. If the Viagra truly was meant for intimacy with you surely he wouldn't be showing such guilt to the point of waking you up to beg forgiveness.

I think as well you two have gone through a tough time - me, I would be worried that if you knew I had an issue with ED then that might be another nail in the coffin, a reason for you to think about leaving, so I would keep it a secret - its a big thing (no pun) for a man, it could look like he does not find you attractive when its a physical or mental block instead.

Maybe his wallet is a safe place, you could find things in a drawer?

Disagree - when you have fears about a relationship you do silly things sometimes and beg a little!! I know I have!

The problem here is that he has lied before. And trust is like virginity, once you lost it it is gone forever.

Without more information, I would be inclined to think he is sleeping around. Sorry.

Also alcoholism is known to cause ED so all the more reason for my judgement.

If this were me I'd demand to see all this electronic devices and access his email – don't give him warning, ask and expect it right then and there on the spot. If he doesn't give them up – then you know. Some people may say that's the wrong tact and 'if the trust is gone then it's gone', but I don't think so – I think it's the only way to know, and if he's been this shady then you forego your rights to privacy in your marriage.

If you haven't had a sex life for some time and haven't been getting closer/more intimate again or discussing how to, then it seems unlikely he's bought them for use with you.

Love how some people way over think things, April and still has them cmon nothing going on. There's more major problems here than 2tablets with both of you so get it sorted or leave 🙂

Viagra in his wallet is Viagra in his wallet, but the waking you up at 2am to check you belive him? If he had been telling you the truth I would presume he'd be sleeping more soundly, and assuming you'd believe him because he'd told you the truth.

Only he knows the answer OP, but with a history of him lying to you through his teeth I'm not sure how you navigate this one. It might be that the trust is eroded at this point and that a relationship is going to be difficult becasue of that, not particularly the tablets in the wallet.

No not at all, other than the drinking in the past and the not being in a good place due to this.

I’m still confused about his behaviour, but it’s really helpful all the replies I’m getting. I’d go mad otherwise!

OP, you say "He just kept saying he loves me and he’s messed up."

Does that mean he has messed up or he is messed up?

If it's the first, why would he have "messed up" if he bought the Viagra to try to rekindle his sex life with you? Surely that would be a positive thing.

Of course, if he bought it to use with someone else, then that would be "messing up", wouldn't it?

If my husband who had been alcoholic, threatened to leave, blew hit and cold, had just decided to buy Viagra and keep it in his wallet then woke me up for reassurance I would tell him to fuck right off.

Honestly enough.

ED can indicate heart issues, and whilst over the counter is available I would expect my husband, "you are my life" to talk to me first, then go to the GP to check Viagra was safe for him and then to get it, plan if how we would use it together. Not buy it in April and hide it in his wallet.

I just wouldn't believe him at the moment mainly because he isn't behaving like a loving husband, more that he doesn't want the expense and hassle if you left OP.

That's how it sounds.

Thank you everyone. I’m now inclined to think guilty conscience as he’s texted to tell me he’s going to work from home this afternoon. He’d already worked from
home yesterday afternoon so this is unusual.

The trust does feel like it’s totally eroded. Whatever good intentions buying the tablets, I can’t get over the fact that he never brought it up, he’s not really been that affectionate and loving, more platonic and functional.

I’m possibly overthinking and @Dadjoke007 I’m trying to take into account your reasons why men behave this way, it might be shame perhaps, I don’t know. Sorry for the presumption, are you a man?

Yes you can buy Viagra over the counter in either 2 or 4 packs.

The pharmacist asks you to fill in a short form to confirm no other health conditions (that would mean they can't sell it to you) and gives you the slip off the bottom of form after they have signed/stamped it to use in future.

This is not an automatic must be cheating.

@Dadjoke007 The bare faced lying about drinking when he's a recovering Alcoholic is key, he's got form. And l speak from experience re the lying, which l forgave too many times until finally something happened that l couldnt forgive. Also If he really wanted to rekindle their sex life surely he would have made a move in that diretion by now.

Exactly this reality check!! That’s all my gut keeps telling me!

I’m going out for lunch with a friend now but I’ll see how he reacts later. I just can’t face him right now.

I need to be prepared for his damage control chat and deflection away my pain and upset to his own pain and fears that the marriage will end and his life being over. He was like that last night and previously. I get extremely anxious about him and then when he feels reassured by me, everything goes back to ‘normal’ with him having no understanding of the mental distress I’ve gone through. That’s what it was like during his drinking years.

I need to be prepared for his damage control chat and deflection away my pain and upset to his own pain and fears that the marriage will end and his life being over. He was like that last night and previously. I get extremely anxious about him and then when he feels reassured by me, everything goes back to ‘normal’ with him having no understanding of the mental distress I’ve gone through. That’s what it was like during his drinking years.

Ugh, so manipulative.

I would sit down and ask if anything major is going on with him— not about this specifically, but how he is getting on. See if you can get a gauge of the larger problem.

It could be that he is anxious about taking them.

Men are sometimes weird. My current partner who I’ve had for years and totally trust has a condom in his washbag. Despite the fact I’ve always been on the pill and we don’t need it. I often wonder how it’d look to a friend! But I haven’t bothered to say anything. It’s always the same condom.

I've already read your updates but thought I'd add my comments.

As pp have said you absolutley can buy viagra in packs of 2.
Viagra isn't a pill you take which has an instant effect so people take it in advance if wanting to have sex. There is good reason why a person might have it in their wallet and take it if, say they are on a date night, things are going well and they want to feel more able when they get home. If someone is lacking in ability due to sexual/ erection difficulties I can imagine there is a fear issue of the time it takes to work and them feeling they might have to perform earlier than they are 'able' before the pill had kicked in. Previous alcohol problems do make the liklihood of sexual dysfunction much higher, so there may well be a genuine need. I don't know. If you haven't been having much sex this could be a reason.
I cannot imagine someone with no real need taking them for a one off meet with, say, a prostitute as they tend to have unpleasant side effects, and in those without ED could easily result in an erection that is unpleasant and didn't subside( this does happen).

As to why a man wouldnt mention it to you, even in this day and age despite ( mainly commercialised reasons by pharma) making ED and make sexual dysfunction and its treatment normalised and known about, its still horrifyingly embarrasing to so many men. They see their ability to have sex and their penises are a direct correlation to ego and their sense of self, if it doesn't work properly, as they see it, it seems to harm their entire self identity as,a man. There really do seem to be enormous differences between us and them. Sexual Function is a very underlying part of who they are as a man, for us it isn't generally speaking, it's an added dimension. It doesn't determine us.

So these factors are, of course outside of anything else in your relationship with trust issues, a history of possible lying, things not going well etc and I can't comment on these specifically. But it is helpful to have a background of how ED and sexual dysfunction issues can affect men and their behaviour and the Shame embarrassment it can create in them. I think you need to consider all factors together in determining what's going on, it's not straightforward and anyone jumping to an instant conclusion is possiblyy slightly underestimating many of these factors.
I'm not of course saying he isn't lying to you. I'm saying I don't know, but it's not clear cut.
Is stressful and unpleasant I how you dirty something out. If possibly test the waters by suggesting he goes with you to the GP about his issues. His texting may be his test of the waters and show any real desire to work on a relationship ( if you do).

Good luck.

Sounds like guilt to me

I don't think you can be that spontaneous with viagra because it can take quite a while to work.

He woke you in the middle of the night because he was feeling guilty and worried you were closing in on the truth.

Keeping them in the wallet = for using out of the house, ie, with someone else.

I think the thing is there was absolutely no indication that he had decided in his head he wanted this big start up of sex again with you because he's just been platonic and functional. Who would buy viagra when there's been no sex and they're not even making an effort to be lovey dovey and romantic?

Personally I don't think it was bought for you. Are you able to check his phone? I'd be concerned enough to do that.

As with every MN thread, you'll have posters telling you what he definitely did or didn't do, and categorically what his underlying motivation was, when they can't possibly know.