Can i leave gulit free?

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My boyfriend has multiple things going on in his life. Always has. Has hidden a large amount of stuff from me.

He has hurt everyone around him to the point he has little old me and one adult child whos back on the scene for now.

Bullet points to keep it short

●stolen money from me and borrowed never paid it back.

●lost his job 7 months ago. He does have a medical issue, it does need sorting, it does limit him physically but he lost his job because he stole and sold a piece of equipment (he denies it)

● i have only recently found out he has an addiction. He hid it well as i didnt know and still wouldnt know as he isnt ever obviously high. But based on the fact ive found drugs and pipes in his house several times now its obvious.

● financially hes now on his bum. Has never paid a utility bill in 8 months. He lives off £700 a month and his rents £450. Even if he was genuine you cant live of that but still.

●in january he got £4000 and spent it in a month. Did not see me for 4 weeks. I can only presume it was drugs. When i did go round again i went in his drawers and he was storing clothes and other stuff linked to i presume using drugs. I found another phone wrapped in a bag. He ruined everything at this point.

● Ive found out this week that hes now been telling the couple of family members that do talk to him that im in some way giving him a hard time and they are avoiding me. I messaged his daughter when he went missing for a day who has translated my concern into me being smoothering and controlling him. Shes chinesed whispered to 2 others im not very nice.

●verbal abuse, lies and silent treatments have crippled me.

Now ill explain what im doing about it. Ive emotionally distanced myself. Ive naturally fallen out of love. I see no future. I dont fancy him. I see so much toxicity. Im ashamed to be seen with him. Im sick of his life style. Nobody he speaks to can be trusted.

I have been in therapy since march breaking the trauma bond. I ended it yesterday and was quite angry with him. He kept begging me to stop messaging in as he was already struggling and depressed and had no reason to carry on living.

I know he gets suicidal and he has nothing left. It makes me feel like if i leave him he may hurt himself. This is keeping me trapped.

I need some advice. I wont block him as the anxiety of him coming to my house will be so strong. I dont want to be brutal but i will block when weve had a few days apart.

Im so worried

You owe him nothing.

Protect yourself and your mental health

He causes the tension between us. I work. Im quiet. Sensible. Run my own house. Im nothing like him. I have realised everyone who speaks to him has a terrible impression of me.

Its just his mental health always wins. He went to bed at 7pm and hes not been online. This is how he makes me worry. He gives me large packs of pain killers which are in my cupboard as he says he doesnt trust himself.

You lost me at stolen money. I would leave him and never look back. You can't fix him OP. Please leave for your own self and your future.

For goodness sake dump him. You owe him nothing and you aren't having any fun. He's spoiling your life.

He is always the victim. Hes always struggling. Hes always depressed. I do think hes got a personality or mood disorder going on thats never been dealt with.

Hes also been a nightmare for women. Talking to his ex. Speaking to women. Being on sites. Hes off social media now has been for a year. But this part has crippled me. In the talking stage before we were together but had met face to face he was on tinder and slept with this woman. He stopped speaking to me for 6 weeks and it turned out they were sleeping together. It felt such a huge betrayal. But he claims wr werent together and she also thought i was crazy! He told her i was obsessed with him.

He sent me a message an hour after shouting he wasnt going to listen to my bullshit anymore. The message said "im starving"

He’s like a bottomless pit, however much you shovel in it will never be full, never mind that you are not getting anything back. If he kills himself that’s his decision, you’ve not got a gun to his head.
Pull back from the pit and do your best not to be attracted to any other needy pits.

He is responsible for his own mental health.

Cut the rope. Let his charming daughter take over. Tell her you are finished, & he says he's going to kill himself.
He has used & abused you.
Then Block him, block her
If he makes a nuisance if himself call the police.

Honestly, why is this is question: get as far away from him as you can. I'd go as far as moving house to avoid contact. Depending on how much the money he stole was, consider whether it's worth pursuing or just cut your losses on it to have an immediate clean break.

Its the fear i dont want him to harm himself. I dont want to be left with what ifs. I also dont want to be blamed by his kids and my long term future be blamed for his life ending.

I want out of this miserable situation. I am a happy person in general. I know hes like a ball and chain around me. I feel sorry for him. I really do. Without me hes on his bum. I feed him. He uses all my streaming devices. I paid his internet bill last week. He takes my teabags and sometimes a box of fish fingers out my freezer because he has nothing. Its pretty heart breaking. But self inflicted too. I end up picturing what id do with empty cupboards and 30p to last weeks. But then it comes back round to how hes treating me and its just beyond belief!

No reasonable person would blame you for something he did.

I work in MH. Sometimes people hurt themselves when they are rejected. That is their issue and we work on it with them.

He could get help if he wanted to.

sometimes people over care for others to meet a need of their own or to avoid something in their own lives. Concentrate on yourself and your own needs. Maybe some talking therapy for you would help?

You Are Not Responsible For Him!

If he had never met you would things be different for him? Would he miraculously be drug-free, industrious, tell the truth, be a good father/friend/partner?

You know the answer to this. His problems do not stem from you, so if you left him it wouldn't be your fault or your responsibility.

One thing confuses me though: that you felt so betrayed that he'd slept with someone else when you weren't together. That suggests a) that you invested waaayyyy too much into a new potential relationship and b) that you didn't have strong boundaries right from the outset.

Look up limerence. I wonder if that applies to you. It would be such a relief to be out of this toxic relationship but you need to work on your habit of co-dependency. Is this something you're working on in your therapy. It's not just getting out of this relationship, it's making sure that any future relationships, romantic or friendships, are much, much healthier.

If you are really finding it hard, write a list of what the pros and cons are of staying or leaving the relationship. Not from his point of view only from yours. Be really honest, and include things like it gives you purpose to have someone broken to look after (if that's true) because it might be enlightening for you.

You deserve so much better.

If he threatens suicide (and you really should block him BTW) tell the police and they will do a welfare check. Your job is then done.

If he is in need of help he will then get it. Or he'll get the message that his supply has dried up, with the added 'bonus' of police being at his door.

Why are you still with him OP?

Don't you think you deserve better than this?

He’s treating you like a piece of shit on the soles of his shoes. Why on earth would you feel guilty. His mental health is not your responsibility. If he threatens suicide call the police or forward the message to one of his family. You have ended the relationship. It’s no longer your problem. Take all of his stuff and dump it at his house, even the drugs - especially the drugs as that’s just an excuse to see you again. He’s a grown man. He makes his own decisions and you’re not his mother. Your job is to protect yourself, not him.

I stopped reading at point 3. The answer is yes.

If you're worried about what he will do and he's threatened suicide, then phone 999. You are not his mental health practitioner. Get professionals.

A relationship with you cannot cure his addiction or associated mh problems. That's already been demonstrated by his behaviour during your relationship. It's probably enabled him more than helped, to be honest.

Stop feeling guilty and let him deal with his own shit for once.

Thanks all. Yes im in talking therapy. Uve always had normal relationships. He cwme across at first very different. Its a typical abuse story. Love bombed. He was positive a and told me hed never bonded with anyone before like me. It was a gradual thing. I dobt want it anymore i really dont. I just want to walk away knowing i wont be blamed.

I have a lovely home and a newish job. I have been away this month and in general im ok. Just need this misery to stop.

I am not sure what made me so silly. It wad loneliness in 2020. I think the lockdown period really made me feel lost. He was something new to bring my brain back to life

Sorry for spelling mistakes.

Its the fear i dont want him to harm himself

He won't. They never do. It's all threats and manipulation. Ask me how I know.

And even in the vanishingly unlikely scenario that he did, that's his choice, his decision. You will never be responsible for it. (But he won't.)

He's utterly vile in every possible way, OP. Just get out. Your happiness and wellbeing will improve overnight if you do.

Its hard to explain my minds made up. But ive got this far 5 times now in 2 months and he makes me feel bad and i cave in. So trying really hard. He hasnt opened my texts but hes been on whatsapp so i know hes alive and so i can now go about my day.

Meh, if he harms himself he harms himself. He is responsible for his choices. Not you.

Its the fear i dont want him to harm himself. I dont want to be left with what ifs. I also dont want to be blamed by his kids and my long term future be blamed for his life ending.

He has a lot of other people to turn to - all those people he has turned against you and who you fear might blame you if this full grown man does something stupid which is completely out of your control.

Text him to tell him you want no further contact with him. To use his friends and family for whatever support he thinks he needs. That you are going to block him and that if he comes to your house you will call the police.

Don’t be manipulated into feeling guilty or anything else for this crap bag.