Can i leave gulit free?

[Redskittlese1]

My boyfriend has multiple things going on in his life. Always has. Has hidden a large amount of stuff from me.

He has hurt everyone around him to the point he has little old me and one adult child whos back on the scene for now.

Bullet points to keep it short

●stolen money from me and borrowed never paid it back.

●lost his job 7 months ago. He does have a medical issue, it does need sorting, it does limit him physically but he lost his job because he stole and sold a piece of equipment (he denies it)

● i have only recently found out he has an addiction. He hid it well as i didnt know and still wouldnt know as he isnt ever obviously high. But based on the fact ive found drugs and pipes in his house several times now its obvious.

● financially hes now on his bum. Has never paid a utility bill in 8 months. He lives off £700 a month and his rents £450. Even if he was genuine you cant live of that but still.

●in january he got £4000 and spent it in a month. Did not see me for 4 weeks. I can only presume it was drugs. When i did go round again i went in his drawers and he was storing clothes and other stuff linked to i presume using drugs. I found another phone wrapped in a bag. He ruined everything at this point.

● Ive found out this week that hes now been telling the couple of family members that do talk to him that im in some way giving him a hard time and they are avoiding me. I messaged his daughter when he went missing for a day who has translated my concern into me being smoothering and controlling him. Shes chinesed whispered to 2 others im not very nice.

●verbal abuse, lies and silent treatments have crippled me.

Now ill explain what im doing about it. Ive emotionally distanced myself. Ive naturally fallen out of love. I see no future. I dont fancy him. I see so much toxicity. Im ashamed to be seen with him. Im sick of his life style. Nobody he speaks to can be trusted.

I have been in therapy since march breaking the trauma bond. I ended it yesterday and was quite angry with him. He kept begging me to stop messaging in as he was already struggling and depressed and had no reason to carry on living.

I know he gets suicidal and he has nothing left. It makes me feel like if i leave him he may hurt himself. This is keeping me trapped.

I need some advice. I wont block him as the anxiety of him coming to my house will be so strong. I dont want to be brutal but i will block when weve had a few days apart.

Im so worried

What has he done to sort his MH? Let me guess….NOTHING. You’ve done what you can do.
IF, and I do really mean IF, he was genuinely suicidal, you being in the picture or not, wouldn’t make a difference. He has other people. You can alert the police if you really feel you must, but you know it’s just a manipulation tactic.
You are only alive once, please don’t waste anymore of your precious time on this individual. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t care about you. You deserve more.
Block him completely, don’t allow him a way in. Trust me, I escaped an abusive relationship with my small child and had nothing. But life on the other side has been incredible. Set yourself free.

You can help yourself , not him, by leaving. You know this

Hes not your responsibility. You are your own responsibility. Tell him if hes suicidal youll call 999...when you tell him you're ending relationship. Then block him

OP you need to set and maintain strong boundaries, and you can do this in a kind way. For example:

“I’m really sorry you are feeling this way and I know you have the strength to recover from this. However I am not able to help you because we are too close with too much baggage. You need support from professionals. Please call the Samaritans / local crisis care / your GP for support. Because you have threatened suicide I am calling the police so they can do a welfare check. Please don’t speak ti me again, it is over between us, but I wish you all the best in your healing and recovery.”

Btw my ex tried the suicide thing when things didn't go his way...so i said if youre that bad i will ring 999 now. And blocked him when he messaged bk saying well im just down a bit 🙄

To be fair you do sound obsessed with him.
Anyone else would just dump and block but you are clearly drawn to the drama and toxicity. If you were worried he’d turn up, book a hotel for a few days and enjoy the peace and quiet or get a Ring doorbell and call the police from the hotel.

Best post.
All that..then block him

I feel sorry for him. I really do.

I feel sorry for you ...that you don't have more self preservation and self confidence.

Posts like this are always "he said this about me", "his family said that about me".

Here's something a child should learn - just because someone says something, doesn't make it true.

I would especially look at the person saying it.

Get some perspective and skepticism, urgently.

He is an addictive, unstable, using, thieving cheating parasite.

If he does anything to himself, that would be his decision. (He won't anyway).

Wise the fuck up and go contact.

I know you are right if he was that bothered about loosing me hed pick up the phone. I do see that. Hes not holding onto me. Hes stone walling me.

The person who said i sound obsessed. He is my boyfriend of a few years now and to tlel someone in an abusive sitution they enjiy the drama. I dont think youve expereinced it and im happy you havent had your brain taken over by manipulation.

I know ill be fine if i keep busy. I always do feel empowered. Its just when he disappears and nobody hears. But the fact hes been online and not opened my texts has cleared that worry. Hes been online to talk to someone.

His daughter is always ringing him lately crying and talking about stuff.shes like him always depressed. At least i know they have eachother now so he has someone now. He didnt before.

There are a million losers like this out here and we hear about twenty of them every day on MN. You can't save them all. You can't even save this one, other than at the expense of your sanity and financial stability, and even then you can't save him.

He doesn't want to be saved. He just wants bailing out occasionally.

Ive emotionally distanced myself. Ive naturally fallen out of love. I see no future. I dont fancy him. I see so much toxicity. Im ashamed to be seen with him. Im sick of his life style. Nobody he speaks to can be trusted.

Honestly, just walk away then. He's just some nasty, druggy little scrote who brings you no happiness. You need to get to the bottom of why it is you think you're in any way responsible for him.

Yeah, it's the trauma bond.

I know hes a thief and lying druggy. I also know its common. Its just right now sitting in my house alone i dont know anyone whos in this situation. I have nobody to talk to. I wish someone could sit with me and talk for hours and help me fix it. But its not there. I have therapy twice a month. It helps but its over just as we get talking. I dont always feel in that 50 minutes im in a the mood to talk. Then when my brains ready to talk i have another week until therapy.

I am going to give it my all now. Its not easy to talk about him in a harsh way. But i need to. I dont believe he wants to be this way but no he isnt getting any help with his mh. He also still denies hes smoking drugs. So hes in denial and accuses me of getting it wrong. So hes not going to sort himself out.

Im ok deep down. Im just lonely with it.

All your posts are just so full of him.
how he feels, how his MH is, what he’s doing, how he has pills how he might be suicidal, if he’s on WhatsApp or not, if he has food or not, how heartbreaking it is for him, how you can’t even go about your day until you’ve checked on him.
you must be exhausted using 100% of your energy thinking about and worrying for and trying to take care of him. I’m fed up of him just from reading it.
How much of his energy is thinking about and caring about you?

if he harms himself that’s his choice. It’s nothing to do with you.
if he threatens it, call the police for a welfare check on him maybe. But it’s nothing to do with you.

you’ve left 5 times in 2 months. You’re not going to go back and live a happy life forever are you, so if you go back you’re only going to have to leave for a 6th time and do this all over again.

Is it worth looking around for some support groups to join, online or in-person? You're far from alone.

You need to block him and everyone he associates with. You will feel very differently in just a few weeks if you do that. If he comes to your home you need to call the police.

I know. Ive been taught im not important and he matters and hes vunerable.

I know i need to grow some balls and go into my own world.

Yeah im not sure how id find groups. Whenever i read posts on sober recovery forum theres so much i can relate to. He ticks every box on abuse.

I know i need to work on myself. But im nit sure how to keep myself away

He can call the Samaritans.

What I want to say is - of course you'll feel guilty leaving him! It's the price you have to pay to get out. I'm not saying you should feel guilty, just that you do and that's the hold he has over you (and plays with using threat). You have to be willing to bear that feeling of guilt, take it somewhere (your therapist?) and keep talking it out in the time after you leave. It will shrink and diminish over time as you get a better sense of yourself.

If you wait to be able to leave him with no feelings of guilt at all, it's unlikely you'll ever leave him.

GP surgery's generally have information about local groups.

Maybe try the Freedom Programme? https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

Try the freedom programme
maybe try women’s aid or the Samaritans yourself, maybe up your therapy sessions if you can for a few weeks to get you over the initial hurdle. It really does read like you’re obsessed with him, I understand why so I don’t mean that in a judgemental way, but i imagine you need something to fill that void or you’ll just fill it back up with him. Can you plan things to do, find a hobby, throw yourself into work, see friends or family if you have anyone around, or is there anything else you can do?

Thank you. I really appreciate that you are real about the way it will feel. Sometimes we have to do things that feel sad as its the right thing to do. Thats given me some food for thought. I think its natural as humans to say have self respect and get on with leaving. But its 4 years of ups and downs and confusion and a man who has filled up my world and ive got alot of void to fill. Which i know i will. But i dont switch off as soon as i go to bed and wake up im thinking overtime and googling. Ive hopped around from hes depressed to hes a narcissist. To hes got bipolar. To hes just stressed.

Im walking to town now and after hearing hea bad mouthed me to his daughters i really do feel like i dont want to disturb their peace.

His work mate told me last year to leave him and see how far he gets without me. An older no longer friend said get out of his world he will only drag you down with him.

Im using all that to get me through today.

Yeah it feels obsessive. But i am trying now and the next day or 2 is vital i stay angry and silent. He does not need me for food.

Oh for goodness sake ! Run ! block everywhere - phone/texts/emails.

this loser will drain you totally.

if he threatens to kill himself, call the police and the ambulance for him.

If he threatens to harm himself again send the police round to his house for a welfare check. I guarantee that he will never do it again afterwards because he'll be so embarrassed. Men like him think they can keep women attached to them via manipulation (and if he claims you've made it up, well that's a lie as you have his texts to prove he's being an idiot).

He's not seriously going to harm himself trust me. Just block this idiot.

No, he doesn't. He has family, he can also seek help from organisations and charities that are not you, and that ultimately might help him more in the long run.

What is reeling you back in is the worry about what these people in his life think about you. Why do you care so much about that? Why do you need their approval or their permission to leave him or for them to accept of your decision. They are his friends and family so of course they side with him in a break up.

They will learn in their own time that he lies. Once you are no longer feeding him or available to steal from he will steal from them.

These people are nothing to you. Their opinion of you is irrelevant. You do not need anyones permission to end this relationship. It does not work for you, it doesn't make you happy, it is not mutually supportive. Block him and all of them. Believe in yourself that you are a good person and you tried. But it is time to focus on finding peace in your own life.

You can wish someone well, without being in contact or enabling their dysfunctional life.