Can i leave gulit free?

[Redskittlese1]

My boyfriend has multiple things going on in his life. Always has. Has hidden a large amount of stuff from me.

He has hurt everyone around him to the point he has little old me and one adult child whos back on the scene for now.

Bullet points to keep it short

●stolen money from me and borrowed never paid it back.

●lost his job 7 months ago. He does have a medical issue, it does need sorting, it does limit him physically but he lost his job because he stole and sold a piece of equipment (he denies it)

● i have only recently found out he has an addiction. He hid it well as i didnt know and still wouldnt know as he isnt ever obviously high. But based on the fact ive found drugs and pipes in his house several times now its obvious.

● financially hes now on his bum. Has never paid a utility bill in 8 months. He lives off £700 a month and his rents £450. Even if he was genuine you cant live of that but still.

●in january he got £4000 and spent it in a month. Did not see me for 4 weeks. I can only presume it was drugs. When i did go round again i went in his drawers and he was storing clothes and other stuff linked to i presume using drugs. I found another phone wrapped in a bag. He ruined everything at this point.

● Ive found out this week that hes now been telling the couple of family members that do talk to him that im in some way giving him a hard time and they are avoiding me. I messaged his daughter when he went missing for a day who has translated my concern into me being smoothering and controlling him. Shes chinesed whispered to 2 others im not very nice.

●verbal abuse, lies and silent treatments have crippled me.

Now ill explain what im doing about it. Ive emotionally distanced myself. Ive naturally fallen out of love. I see no future. I dont fancy him. I see so much toxicity. Im ashamed to be seen with him. Im sick of his life style. Nobody he speaks to can be trusted.

I have been in therapy since march breaking the trauma bond. I ended it yesterday and was quite angry with him. He kept begging me to stop messaging in as he was already struggling and depressed and had no reason to carry on living.

I know he gets suicidal and he has nothing left. It makes me feel like if i leave him he may hurt himself. This is keeping me trapped.

I need some advice. I wont block him as the anxiety of him coming to my house will be so strong. I dont want to be brutal but i will block when weve had a few days apart.

Im so worried

You are right its just hard to comprehend hes taken so much of my time and money. I have kept a roof over his head. Brought him food. Washed his clothes. Bought him so much stuff for his flat. I am not collecting look what ive done points. Although if i remind him he says i throw it back in his face. But his family dont seem to realise last year without me hed have slept rough. Starved. Died perhaps. Its really horrible to be looked at like a controlling person. I know i dont need to care but it has got to me. You are right though they will see.

I hear him on the phone to his DD. Shes 24. He will tell her people are C and nobody helps him and im only one he has. But then hes also telling her im a nutter to her. I know thats not how adults should be involving their kids.

He sounds so foul and like the biggest ick imaginable

but this is a huge part of your issue:
But his family dont seem to realise last year without me hed have slept rough. Starved. Died perhaps. Its really horrible to be looked at like a controlling person.
who cares what some people you will never see again think of you, if they really don’t realise what you’ve done then they’re stupid. I doubt they dont know though, since people around you keep telling you what a waste man he is and to get away from him, I suspect it’s quite obvious absolutely every single person around him what he’s really like.

secondly, no he probably wouldnt have slept rough or died. He would have used someone else like he used you. Or he would have used the many many services available to him, including his family. Or he would’ve slept rough. It doesn’t matter now. It is his situation from last year, not your situation now.

you’re still obsessing over what you’ve done, and him, and how he needed you, and how difficult things are for him, and how his life is, and how the people in his life think you treat him and is he a narcissist or is he this or is he that or how else can we explain his behaviour. Every single thing you say is about him.
I get that it’s hard, I’m not saying it’s not. But try to start breaking that habit.
what do you want (which is not the same as what you want for or from him)
do that. Focus on that. When you catch yourself thinking about him stop. When you catch yourself talking about him. Stop. When you catch yourself thinking about what people he knows think about you, stop. It’s like practicing meditation.

I echo this. He brings nothing but trouble to the table. You don't even like him.
Walk away and block him and his family. Let them deal with him. He ain't your problem

@Redskittlese1

It really is time you focussed on your own mental health, exclusive of this man who is using you, steals from you, badmouths you to his friends and family, threatens that he'll commit suicide, constantly puts you in the back foot. You are the one who needs to put yourself first and out of his reach. What those other people in his life say is irrelevant to your future and you need the keep your own wellbeing ahead of him and ahead of them.

First of all change your locks if he's so easily able to access your home to take food from your freezer. His family can help feed him if he's in need or there are other avenues which he (or they can research) eg food banks but this is his responsibility- not yours. He's an adult too and should take responsibility for his own needs. If you don't already have one, get a camera doorbell installed so you can see, from your smartphone, if he approaches your home.

Stop paying his bills. Remove him from your streaming services you are paying for and change the passwords. If he can access any shopping sites you have, again change the passwords so he can't access them. Let him use his family's services instead of yours. Or do without - this is not basic hardship - he'll survive.

Do not give him any more money - you've more than done your bit, to someone who not only hasn't repaid money you've worked for, but who steals from you. He had his chance to repay you (from the £4000 he received) or to pay some of his bills but he squandered it instead - again, that's his responsibility.

It's good that you are undertaking therapy for yourself. Before your next session makes a list of what you want to discuss to help you focus and make the most of the time you're with your therapist. And also call the Samaritans (google their number) for the times in between that you need help.

The situation you are in will not change until you are able to protect your own good health, you know that. It is hard, as you are a kind and caring person but you will get dragged down by him if you don't.

Perhaps write him a final message (email, WhatsApp) to say you don't want to see him any more and to please stay away from you and not to communicate with you any more. Then block him on everything, including social media - and don't you check his social media presence any more.

Take care of yourself OP and build a better future for yourself. 🌹

Thanks all. He had a drs appointment and messaged me asking if i remembered the time. But didnt feel the need to ask anything else.

Im going to a seaside place tomorrow so i have plans. I have spent an hour outside sunbathing with music on. Im giving myself some relaxation time today. I feel calm and peaceful not going through the motions today.

When he had stuff out my freezer i was home and agreed he could take it. He has stolen cash etc from me more times than i want to remember.

I think most people realise what hes like now. His older daughter certainly has little trust in him. His youngest i think she wants the whole daddys girl thing. She struggles with her own mh so at the moment shes coming to him because the people who actually bother with consistently have said things she doesnt like to hear. So i think its mainly her and not sure if the older sister is thinking it.

Im so greatful for all of you giving me a space to offload.

He cant get in my house and i will look at cameras. Ive got through half of day 1!

Stay strong OP. It is not your job to fix him. You are not responsible for the behaviour or actions of another adult.

Should he contact you threatening self-harm, then phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check. It might also be useful to tell them of his addictions and that he has stolen from you in the past, which is why you have split up.

It isn't down to you to keep him on the straight and narrow. He's your ex. He has family. This is nothing to do with you any more.

If you are worried ask the police to do a welfare check and you can refer him anonymously to adult safeguarding via the local authority website. Job done he is there responsibility then - you block and move on!

He has caused this.
He us responsible for his own actions.
Keep going to therapy, leave for ever and see how good life can be!

You are totally invested in his life and welfare but he isn't interested in your welfare one bit.

The healthiest thing for you is to block him completely so you can't see when he's online etc and he can't message you about anything. You don't need to know what he's doing, where he is etc. He isn't your problem and if he becomes suicidal then it's up to him to seek professional help.

Turn the corner, shut him out of your mind and your life and start living the way you deserve to. 💐

I just want to walk away knowing i wont be blamed.

When people can't take responsibility for their own choices/behaviour/lifestyle; they blame others.

Is this really new to you?

And in what court of law are you going to be tried for blame in this ...... No such court exists. Only in your head. You have to be good and nice. To someone who's treated you like shit. Cheated on you stolen from you, not paid back loans, lied to you.

He and his family don't matter.

How much are you going to have to do with them anyway? You should have nothing to do with them.

If they gossip, let them. Nobody cares, after a short while it's old news. People are occupied with their own shit.

And I find dropping a few not so subtle hints about people like this behaviour to others quite satisfying too.

Abx you're being delusional to think people don't have an inkling of what he'd like. You've said so yourself above.
.
Stop caring about people who don't fkg matter. They don't care about you & your welfare.

His daughter is always ringing him lately crying and talking about stuff.shes like him always depressed

Hardly surprising with a Dad like him.

That family would suck the fkg life out of you.

You are right its just hard to comprehend hes taken so much of my time and money. I have kept a roof over his head. Brought him food. Washed his clothes. Bought him so much stuff for his flat. I am not collecting look what ive done points.

You can't support someone into being a good person.

They just use you.

He's not a good person.

That wasn't going to change.

You sound like you need to read Women who love too much.

Im just lonely with it.

Don't let loneliness keep you tied up with this disaster area of a "man".

Work on expanding your social circle, hobbies etc.

I have an ex similar to this. I still feel guilty about not helping but he is literally always in a mess. I understand.

Ive blocked him absoloutely everywhere

Well done.

Stay strong. Don't know what you're feeling, but the pair of you couldn't go on like that. Even if you feel bad/guilty, it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing.

He sent me a google search of how long it takes a person to starve. Then he sent me a message saying hes on new tablets and wobbly and it turned how he lied he was at his daughters and was faking being asleep and on new tablets. Hes trying to make me look like im trying to contact him.

do you think you need to send an ambulance to his home ? if he is alleging he has overdosed on sleeping pills ?

I thought he was blocked everywhere ?!!!

you now need to move on, block and forget.

Do a Google search on how long does it take for an ex to fuck off and send him that

So he's safe at his daughter's. Just manipulative as fuck.

If you've blocked him everywhere how is he sending you stuff ?

I think him sending her this stuff is what's made her block him everywhere. Or that was my interpretation.

I blocked him after i found out he was faking being asleep and dizzy on tablets but was actually picked up tonight by his daughters friend. So hes hanging with his daughter and i waa thinking hed passed out.

You have tried your best, It's time to leave. You are worth so much more.
Please find a man who meets what you wish for. You deserve that.

Yeah its time. I have ended it properly now. I messaged before i blocked him telling him that choosing what he chose last night has finished us off. I told him i dont want to be in his drama and i am not strong enough to deal with it anymore.

He didnt answer his phone after telling me he felt terrible on a higher dose of drugs the dr prescribed yesterday. He pretended he had nodded off when he was picked up by a woman his daughter has recently met after being sectioned. He was then sat chatting to them until gone 10pm when he told me he was out. He is 49 and his daughter is in her 20s.

So that was a perfect way to close our relationship and say no more.