God help me but I love one child and not the other

[ggggggggggggg]

And once I’ve admitted it to myself with the caveat of ‘I love my child but …’ it’s been like a horrible floodgate.

I don’t think I do love him and I feel horrendous about it. He didn’t choose to be born to me and I just didn’t know I wouldn’t love him. Everyone says that you love your own child and I thought I did and then I had another and I realised how different the feelings I have are.

I once rang my GP but I put the phone down as I just don’t know what to say Feel like I’m going to fuck then both up.

How old are they both? Was there any trauma around one or both births? Do they have the same dad (not judging, wondering if feelings towards different dads could contribute).

I'm sure I'll be the first of many to say this could be PND.

I'm curious to know how old they are, genders, relationship to fathers, trauma background - theirs and yours, mental health background - yours? Any SEN?

How old are they? This must be really hard. The fact that you are on here talking about it and asking for help is healthy though. Perhaps other people can advise. You must be very conscious to be fair in how you treat them so they never know. Are they still quite young and did you have a difficult time with your older child that might have affected your ability to bond?

You’re very brave to recognise it and acknowledge it out loud x x 💐

You won't be the only person to have felt like this, and there are things you can do about it.

Oh blimey … so

Same dad
Very different births and I have wondered if that’s had a lasting impact. One was emergency section after a failed induction and one was a lovely calm elective.
One is 3.5 (the one I’m struggling with) and the baby is 8 months

I know possibly some of it is different ages but I feel like I’ve always had this anger around the first one, it just seems like it’s in a box and sometimes it shoots out. I don’t mean literally. Hard to explain.

Don't worry. This isn’t uncommon. It’s so brave to admit it to yourself. You can work on it. Can you afford therapy? If there were any stresses or difficulties in the pregnancy, birth or first couple of years, it can really interfere with the bonding. Your first born can bring up childhood trauma or attachment difficulties too which can interfere with the bonding too. Post natal depression can get in the way too.
Therapy can help. Don’t beat yourself up. You can’t help it. But now you’ve noticed it, it is your responsibility to work on it. That’s all you can do lovely.

Try the GP again and don't be embarrassed or ashamed. They will have heard it before. Write it down and hand the doctor the note if that's easier.

I don’t know - just don’t even know where to start. I can’t afford therapy. I just can’t. What a mess

From your update I wonder if it might be worth having some counselling/unpicking any trauma from the birth? Is your 3.5 yr old difficult and is parenting them hard. I would probably suggest some intensive therapy/counselling with a understanding counsellor to try and unpick everything and help you to make sure you don’t treat them differently

Great post.

It will be hard, but please tell your health visitor / midwife and ask for help and a referral. They may ask you to go to GP.

Try a maternal health charity or talking group near you. There are lots in my local city, some offer free or v cheap counselling.

If your older child is struggling with behaviour, it could be a vicious cycle.

I think you can self refer on the nhs. Go the gp. The pp idea of writing a note if it is too difficult to say is a great idea

my mother didn’t / doesn’t love me. I’ve had a horrific life. Abuse and due to early trauma lasting damage to my brain.

I don’t think she ever thought about it, she just felt hatred towards me. You clearly are thinking about this, worrying about it and wanting support and help. Please please do contact your Gp or health visitor and tell then - for Your sake and your children

What's the dad like?

Are they the same gender?

Have you ever had any traumatic events in your own infancy or childhood? Even before you remember?

What about abuse?

Ah, I posted before your second post. if it was a difficult birth then that can really impact on bonding. You might have some unprocessed trauma.

Don’t worry. Your GP should be able to access some counselling for you.

I'm sorry @Barbiepinks

Oh just sending you massive hugs OP.

I do have probably a whole load of trauma I haven’t dealt with but realistically I need to sort this out. I don’t want unhappy children and I know a problem of this nature doesn’t only affect the child I struggle with.

My mother had severe birth trauma - she couldn’t look at me for days after, she then had PND and though l was possessed, the family dog then went for me and to her this confirmed it as she thought the dog was sensing evil. I think (and I’m not excusing anything she did) that birth trauma was the cause but she didn’t get any help so it got worse - with therapy things can be different

Relax you do love both your children, you are a bit confused your first was a difficult birth the second was a breeze, your first is now getting into difficult territory, your second will get there too. And at that point your first will be a dream. Don't let your negative feelings change how you look after them both.

Postpartum rage is very much a thing. I had it but the other way around - I didn’t love my screaming, never happy baby and fantasised about a life where it was just me and the older one. Life would have been so much easier.

It was around 9m that I admitted defeat (mostly because DH was beginning to go a bit hard on ‘you need help, please get it or it’s going to become an issue for our family’ - as well he should have). Antidepressants helped. Talking therapy helped. GP signposted me to it. It wasn’t an instant fix. But it stopped me shouting and then things got a lot better. That baby is now about to turn 2 and I cannot imagine life any different. He’s not baby 1, at all, but they both bring love and light to my life. Part of it is the chemical help, part of it is having an outlet, part of it is baby 2 sleeping better, part of it is being back at work and having an element of me.

Early life with two kids is fucking hard and I know some people fly but there’s no shame in finding it hard. That first year of 2 kids was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But if you can find the strength to start to make a change it will pay off. You already sound brave, if you weren’t you wouldn’t have started this thread. So keep that theme and keep on keeping on.

If you want to chat please do PM.x

Op. Focusing on this only as you’ve asked re therapy. If in the UK this is something perinatal mental health services and/or parent infant psychotherapy can help with, so may be worth googling service in your local area (sharing this acknowledging that in many areas of England, the services don’t exist but in some they do so it’s worth a try!). Talking therapies also sometimes prioritize pregnant and postpartum parents. Others will likely speak more eloquently to feeling anger towards a child. But it’s not unusual (loads of things in our lives can impact our relationship with our kids). Must be a horrible feeling to have and have to parent through. Thinking of you. Hope you’re not being too hard on yourself x

The fact you are worrying and that you’ve posted this shows how caring you are and you need support and help to overcome it

Is one a boy and one a girl?

There is thing called projection. Where you project anger at a person.
But they are not the person you are really angry with.

Like say if you were actually angry with your husband, but you were very conflict avoidant. You might then see this child as 'making you angry'. But in fact the root of the anger is elsewhere.

Because it's easy to get annoyed with a child.

Likewise say a person has a troubled relationship with their mother and grandmother and was emotionally abused by them.
They might find a female child difficult, but tend to idolise a male child.

The female child might start emerging as 'a nuisance' when a male baby arrives.

Or, say a woman was used to being idolized by her husband. Then has a daughter.
The husband is besotted by this child, and vice versa, and the wife is 'forgotten' if the child is in room.
That child then might get the 'anger'.

All the above are just examples of misplaced anger.

You have shown real courage posting this. That courage will see you through the difficult but rewarding work ahead. You are clearly a dedicated mum. Here’s my advice from working with families for a long time. I’m not an expert though.

1. be kind to yourself. This isn’t your fault.
2. look after yourself well. So you can be as well resourced as possible.
3. start trying to notice the positives in your first born. Even tiny things like eye colour. Put a sticker on your watch or wear a particular ring or bracelet to remind you to do this. It can be hard to start with but keep practicing.
4. try and get some counselling to work through what the birth and becoming a first time mum brought up for you and left you with.
5. forgive yourself for times it’s not how you’d like it to be. You are doing your best.

good luck. It’s so amazing you have realised and want to do it differently.