God help me but I love one child and not the other

[ggggggggggggg]

And once I’ve admitted it to myself with the caveat of ‘I love my child but …’ it’s been like a horrible floodgate.

I don’t think I do love him and I feel horrendous about it. He didn’t choose to be born to me and I just didn’t know I wouldn’t love him. Everyone says that you love your own child and I thought I did and then I had another and I realised how different the feelings I have are.

I once rang my GP but I put the phone down as I just don’t know what to say Feel like I’m going to fuck then both up.

I honestly think literally not loving your child is rare. I'm pretty experienced in this department unfortunately - my mother doesn't love me and I don't love her - but I do think this situation is very uncommon. There were reasons for my mothers resentment towards me, practical ones mainly and I was an unwanted pregnancy, but she never sought help and well, we haven't spoken for over a decade now.

This outcome is so unlikely though, and your have recognised very early on that you need some help and support to deal with your feelings. Your baby is so young too - it could be pre or post natal depression, you must have been pregnant when your oldest wasn't even two and you were recovering from a traumatic birth. It's no wonder your feelings are confused.

I think you probably do love your daughter, you just need to help to connect to that love. Please see the GP, I am obviously a cautionary tale and I really don't think that is what will happen with you, but it's important that you seek help now. Can you talk to anyone in your family or friends about it do you think?

Have you had any other symptoms that would suggest postnatal depression, OP?

Most local hospitals offer a "birth afterthoughts" or "birth reflections" service which is a review of your birth notes and a debrief, usually with a mental health midwife. You can have this years after the birth (I had one when I was pregnant with DC2, and DC1 was 3). See if you can access that.

You can self-refer for Talking Therapies on the NHS or ask your GP or health visitor about the services available that they could refer you to. There will probably be waiting lists but it's worth getting on them.

There's helpful info here about the options:
https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org/seek-professional-help

It's also worth looking up your local branch of Mind and seeing what they offer. Mine offers support specifically for mothers of babies and young children.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Thanks very much … so these responses are general, to everybody.

I don’t know how much I can ‘blame’ the birth of my first. It was a horrible birth but not as bad as some by a long way.

The lack of sleep hit me like a tonne of bricks. DC1 (he’s a boy yes) was born towards end of 2020. I’d been ‘wfh’ (ie doing not very much) since March and had indulged my pregnancy tiredness with long long naps and early nights and lie ins so when I had him going from that to newborn sleep was just awful and I didn’t cope well. Then breastfeeding didn’t work out and nothing went as I’d hoped. I felt so awful.

Dc2 (girl) so different. I suffered from insomnia in the pregnancy and was used to 530am starts (thanks ds) - I used to think that the ‘you’ll sleep better when the baby gets here’ was a myth but it wasn’t. She slept SO well and so much. I just loved her, everything about her. I still do of course! She’s so bloody cute and snuggly and lovely. And DS is so defiant and rude and challenging!

But I think there’s deeper stuff here as well.

Firstly, my family mirrors my own. I am the younger girl with an older brother who was always sullen and morose and ‘difficult.’ We were always having to leave days out early because of him, he’d whine in the car until he got the music he wanted on, he’d fall out with other kids who would then shun me as well. In many ways I think this defined my personality as I felt I had to be his antithesis - so he was sullen, I was cheerful, he was rude, I was painstakingly polite, he was always complaining, I never ever did. On the surface I seemed like the nice one but actually I was pushing back and rebelling in my own way and looking back I realise I was often very sneaky about things. My brother is actually nice is the strange thing but presents oddly (autism I think) and still is troubled.

To further complicate matters I always had fairly good relationships with other girls - the usual teen dramas of course - but boys were horrible to me and I was scared of them. An overriding memory is two of my brothers friends forcing me to pull my pants down in my garden and laughing - I have so many memories like that. So I have wondered if an instinctive mistrust of little boys is there along with this childish resentment of my brother?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s not as complicated as that. And DS … I do love him in a way, of course I do, but I do find the three year old sass and rudeness so bloody hard to take; why won’t he just listen to me and do as I ask?

It's very possible if this has only become a feeling since the youngest was born, it's just that you bonded better due to the birth and you could also have pnd. You do love your son.

I had a horrific pregnancy and a hard time after my birth with my eldest, just the situation I was in as a teen and things I went through at that time in my life. When I had my younger two I was in a great position in my life and I really worried I didn't love her as much as the other two but never treated her differently. It was just a feeling within myself. I was then able to explore it with a counsellor and realised it was guilt I was feeling because of those difficult first years and unresolved trauma from that time in my life. I adore them all equally now.

You don't need to tell the doctor or health visitor you don't love your son, you can just say you now realise you didn't bond with him as you have your younger child and you carry an immense amount of guilt and anxiety and feel you need counselling to resolve the issues.

"don’t know how much I can ‘blame’ the birth of my first. It was a horrible birth but not as bad as some by a long way."

Try to be kinder to yourself. Comparing your birth to others - it's only your birth that you experienced. You can only ever really and truly relate to your own life experiences.

I do find the three year old sass and rudeness so bloody hard to take; why won’t he just listen to me and do as I ask?
I remember after my second child was born, I suddenly found myself more annoyed by my first child's behaviour. She was 2 when he was born. Took me a while to work out what was going on. At first I thought it was her age and that she was behaving worse. But then I realised that she was no longer getting my undivided attention - which is a shock for a firstborn - and that I was simply more stressed out with two children, one a baby. Even if they sleep well (mine did too), you're still physically tired from the early hours, from the carrying and lifting, maybe breastfeeding, the noise, and looking out for them both at once.

I'd say you need to speak to your GP about potential depression.

Yeah, you don't hate your son you hate those dirty boys who sexually assaulted you all those years ago. Talk to a professional and be thankful. Your son is bringing this to the surface so you can heal.

Do you work and if so is there an employee assistance scheme?

A lot of places have telephone counselling services. Even if it's just a totally anonymous person to chat to. It doesn't have to be about a work issue.

I'm sorry that happened to you

FWIW I really think you would benefit from some counselling. Ask your GP if there are any free or low cost options.

I also recommend "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" by Philippa Perry.

Lastly, if you suspect that your brother might be autistic, and your son reminds you of him a bit, do bear in mind the possibility that your son might be autistic too. It's genetic.

i also have an older son and a younger daughter, son really hard work and recently diagnosed with autism, daughter much easier to parent and to like. It's difficult and I feel guilty about it. But I do love him fiercely even if I don't always like him.

I haven't read all the replies only op's posts so sorry if this has already been mentioned...

3yos are really hard. They call it "threenager". 8 months is probably the cutest and most fun age: starting to eat food, smiling and babbling, sitting up, but not yet running around destroying stuff or being cheeky and rude.

I think you're overthinking it, op. It's their ages. When your younger one is 3yo she'll be a nightmare too

What you describe isn't that complicated OP. Having children puts us back in touch with our own childhood and all sorts of unprocessed issues and trauma. And don't underestimate the impact of a difficult birth/first few months. It sounds not so much that you don't love your son, but that your son puts you in touch with some overwhelming feelings, including rage, that you can't cope with, so any loving feelings towards him are sort of blocked too.

Speak to our GP about counselling.

This will sound trite, but your son is bloody lucky he has a mother with the courage and honesty to face up to these feelings and the trauma that's underlying them. You're going to get through this and end up with a stronger, better relationship with him if you just keep going on what you've started here. Many of us grew up with mothers who buried and denied those feelings and never, ever addressed their own trauma, and we suffered for it.

Just remember that this isn't your fault, it isn't as uncommon as you think, and one day you're going to be so glad you tackled it while your son was still an infant.

I have had exactly the same experience and therapy has really helped me.

Also I don't really know how to explain this but I used the love I have for my second to help me access the love for my first.

I did always love him, but I just couldn't access those feelings for a long time, there was just simmering rage and a feeling of disconnection.

It's so worth doing the work. If there's anything you can do to access private therapy then do it. You don't need to do it in once a week, once or twice a month will do fine.

Or get referred through the GP and see what happens, I think it's hard to do good work with a therapist that you don't gel with and it's not really possible to chop and change on the NHS.

There was a thread recently that was almost identical - the poster said they didn't love their three year old but adored her baby and couldn't afford therapy.

The same advice applies to you - contact your GP. Three year olds are ornery little gits that can push every button and still being in the timeframe for post natal depression at the same time as wrangling one of them makes it all the more important to seek help before they're permanently harmed by the knowledge, conscious or unconscious, that they aren't loved whereas the younger sibling can do no wrong.

"I don’t know how much I can ‘blame’ the birth of my first. It was a horrible birth but not as bad as some by a long way."

Other people's experiences are irrelevant.

I had a 'wonderful' home birth with DC1 but it was very fast and I tore badly as I felt the midwife rushed me at the end. I had to transfer in afterwards for stitches, and in the ambulance they inexplicably gave me syntocinon (I was wasn't losing any blood!) and I wasn't in my right mind to say no. By most people's standards it was an amazing, easy birth, but I felt shell shocked and sabotaged.

@ggggggggggggg well done for voicing your concerns.
I think you need to unpick some issues.
Your child is not your past.
Some stuff you went through is awful.
Try put that in past.
Your DS is 3 and toddlers are adorable but hard work.
Birth trauma & lack of sleep & not great breastfeeding sends many a mother into depression / PND.
There are free support groups often for this . It's a huge transition.
One of my best 'baby mum' friends became just that when at 6 months in she admitted she was a pnd mess. I had no idea. 15 years later we are still great mates

Could it be that as your 3.5yo is older, he triggers you more by his behaviour? Did you feel differently when he was a baby?
Or perhaps your personalities are similar and you clash?
I would say, don't write off your relationship and ability to feel the love...things may just be getting in the way somewhat.
I work with families with relational difficulties and would recommend asking your local Family Hub/Children's centre or team of family support workers if they can offer you something called VIG (Video interaction guidance) it is a really good way of helping you see the positives between you and your son, the glimmers of hope that you can build on to become closer.

You're only human OP. This doesn't make you a monster.
But I'm the 'perfect' younger sibling to my 'difficult' older sister, and it's given us a fractured relationship with one another and anxiety as a result. You need to get help to fix it.
My mum didn't and she's now 71 and, although I love her, I will resent her until the day she dies.

It's good that you recognise it, but pointless if you don't take measures to rectify it. Without action you're just giving yourself permission and forgiveness to carry on disliking your son - and making a tiny person carry the burden of your unresolved trauma. You say you can't afford therapy - but if you prioritised it in your budget as life and death - because not loving your child is up there - could you really not manage it? The NHS has long waiting lists sure, but still worth a referral. There's also free online books and resources you can read i'm sure - Google is your friend.

Once you have a child, no matter how difficult, the onus is on your to get help/treatment for anything that stops you caring for them to the right level. Recognition and acknowledgement is the first step, but that's easy to do on MN to internet strangers - your real test will be seeking help from GP/HV/online resources and working hard to overcome it.

I thought it was telling that you said but I do find the three year old sass and rudeness so bloody hard to take; why won’t he just listen to me and do as I ask?
This is why you prefer your DD, because it's easier to love something malleable and easy rather than someone with their own personality and ability to challenge. But think in adult terms if a person said they loved a partner who was subservient and did as told, and disliked those with their own minds/opinions - how wrong that would sound? You risk turning one child or both into a people pleaser because they'll both realise that is the way to mummy's love - Relationships board is full of women who've fallen into this trap as children. I think therapy will help you stop seeing this as a challenge/threat and learn to channel his feist to a more productive outlet.

OP just to say I fing what you say about struggling with having reproduced your birth family very plausible.

It happened to me too. I'm the younger of two girls with a father who could forgive his firstborn for not being the boy he wanted, but not the second born. When I learned I was having a second girl, loads of childhood crap came flooding back - even though my DH was nothing like my father.

I was lucky to have some friends I could confide in. You need the non-pearl-clutching sort here. Otherwise, a therapist?

Anyway it's good you're aware of the dynamic. It doesn't mean you're bound to mess them up.

Also to say, my mum only loved me while i was a baby/toddler because i did everything she asked and never challenged/complained. I found my voice when i was 8-9 and she never got used to it. Even at that age I was aware I needed to be this perfect little girl to earn her love. It took therapy in adulthood to realise she needed me to fill the gap left by her own childhood trauma she never dealt with.

It was always obvious she disliked my personality and we just got more distant as i was older. I was lucky that my dad encouraged the strong willed side of me and was very proud of it - said it would take me far in life and he was right. Without him, I think I wouldn't have liked myself very much and thought I was defective. As soon as I was able to I left home and barely have a relationship with her now. After my dad passed, the last motivation to visit home is reduced. She's never met my DH. We speak monthly and I will make sure she is comfortable in old age but i have no emotion invested in her, much like she was with me I suppose.

Get therapy. Don't use your DC to work through it.

Definitely therapy.

I wonder if part of it is the ages of the children? When your youngest is a defiant three year old, and your oldest is a more well behaved 6/7 year old, you may feel a lot differently.

Women are wired to have that fierce protective love for a baby. Your relationship with your older child will feel very different. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but you might be in danger of overthinking it.

One-on-one time with your 3.5yr old will help. Coffee date, lego, whatever he is into. Watching a tv show together. Form a grown up little club. Make him feel he has a special thing to bond with mum over. The rest will come.

Everyone is being very kind, but please please get help OP, you must care as otherwise you wouldn't have cared enough to create a thread. You need to speak to someone to deal with these feelings. It's sad to read how you feel so differently about the 2 children.

3 -4 years old, in my experience anyway, is the most difficult age. It gets better from 5 onwards. However I don't think this is just about the behaviour, it seems more deep rooted than this, possibly stemming back to what happened in your childhood.

All of that makes soooo much sense. Of course the bond between you was harder to build. You are human.

So…

1. your experience of boys left your brain and body with a sense of them being cruel, difficult, unpredictable.
2. You were pregnant in one of the most significantly stressful times in our collective history.
3. Things with the birth were traumatic (doesn’t matter how traumatic, it’s all relative).
4. Things were tricky, breastfeeding was difficult, you were sleep deprived. The pandemic was still ongoing so life was still difficult in some ways. I wonder if you had the same opportunity to meet other new mums and hear how normal it all is to have negative feelings at times?
5. He’s your first so all the challenges of parenting he will get to first and you’ll be more knowledgeable and equipped with your second. Plus she’ll learn from him. So she will be easier, most likely.
6. He is sassy. And defiant. This is normal at this stage as they start to find their ‘no!’ but it’s really hard for any parent, yet alone one with all of the above going on. So… This probably triggers a bit of a physiological response in you (fight/flight fear, anger, disgust, shame would all be expected here), which might set some negative thoughts going (e.g. ‘he’s a little XYZ!). He may be picks up on how you are feeling even if you do your best to hide it, and pushes back harder to test your love. His attachment style might not be a secure one which can show up as testing and challenging, disengaging, pushing away, etc. This might trigger you more and a vicious cycle emerges. I’m guessing here but its a common pattern.

There is probably more and it won’t be as simple as that, but the above is MORE than enough to explain how you are feeling. It’s not your fault. You are doing your best. It is your responsibility to work on it though.

The AHA parenting website is a good source of attachment nurturing parenting strategies.

Good luck, don’t give up. You are amazing to have shared this issue. It’s a really tricky one and you could have been flamed. Lots of mums struggle with this stuff, few are brave enough to talk about it.