God help me but I love one child and not the other

[ggggggggggggg]

And once I’ve admitted it to myself with the caveat of ‘I love my child but …’ it’s been like a horrible floodgate.

I don’t think I do love him and I feel horrendous about it. He didn’t choose to be born to me and I just didn’t know I wouldn’t love him. Everyone says that you love your own child and I thought I did and then I had another and I realised how different the feelings I have are.

I once rang my GP but I put the phone down as I just don’t know what to say Feel like I’m going to fuck then both up.

Its not uncommon at all.
My mum had 5 kids but only loved one her youngest she could not click with my eldest sister at all.
She told us i dont feel for you like i do him.
We are all NC with her except the youngest golden child.
My aunty her eldest child again she did not like or love her how she should have cared for her mostly my nan did shes in her 30s now very successful Nc with her mum they are like strangers.
My friend she has 2 but feels she dont love her youngest as much.
My other friend so badly wanted a 3rd child but same as above dont feel that much love for the 3rd one i think its selfish she sends him to his nan a lot.
What i can say is that children do pick up on things and will notice that you have a different vibe with them.

You absolutely must seek help. Admitting that you feel this way is a good first step. But you can’t stop there. It is certainly possible for you to turn things around but only with effort on your part and decent professional guidance. I would look into therapy that focuses on attachment.

You obviously want to change your feelings for and interactions with your son. And he really needs you to do that. His future wellbeing could depend on how you choose to approach the dynamics that currently exist. But he isn’t the only one who is being negatively affected. It won’t be good for your daughter to grow up as the favoured golden child. Please look into all the resources available to you. It’s definitely not too late. But you don’t have a minute to spare.

I agree re the Philippa Perry book.

Also - most of our negative feelings come from fear.

I wonder if you fear your boy will be like your brother? He's 3 and testing boundaries.

Or your children's relationship will mirror yours?

Or that your eldest will dominate?

Did you want a girl? Maybe you fear your own feelings.

Try to dig into it a bit. You could try journalling, meditating, etc. until you can access therapy.

Until then too, fake it till you make it. Pour yourself into building a relationship with your eldest, laughing, having fun, cuddling, accepting all his emotions. (Remind yourself a 3yo is never doing anything on purpose to hurt you, they are so young still.)

Re therapy access - there are quite a few places which offer low cost therapy with trainees - say 10-15 an hour. Or charities that have free services. Def explore what is available locally.

NHS talking therapies are generally brief, short term solution focused.

Hmm Phillippa Perry … I don’t like the look of it from an interview I saw with her. I try to avoid stuff like that to be honest: it confuses me and makes me feel bad. I realised that from early days with babies that the baby hadn’t read the book is true but that’s also true of toddlers and preschoolers.

Re therapy, once I’m back at work and have cleared a few debts then yes but right now no . It’s just too expensive. But I do have things to unpick.

OP, don't be hard on yourself, it's not your fault and you want things to be different.

Also, don't be hard on your DS. He is only 3 years old and had had his life disrupted by the birth of a new baby. He will be feeling insecure and may feel he has been replaced. Make sure you're expectations are reasonable for his age, 3 year olds can't be expected to remember things and follow instruction in the same way as older child could. Don't be too harsh on him. Try to find time to play with him, read him stories, cuddle him and tell him you love him. Basically get help and in the meantime fake it til you make it.

If you shower him in love and affection he may become more relaxed and secure. That may help your bond.

You've had some difficult experiences of boys, but they can be amazing. Finding something you both like to do together would definitely be a good start.

Best of luck OP, I think with support and time you will be able to like him, accept him and eventually feel genuine love for him.

I really think you need to prioritise getting therapy. Please go to your gp or health visitor as it's easier to get help quickly with a child under 1.

Agree with @CaptainCarrot and @OodlesPoodle . You must forge ahead with addressing this OP before the rot sets in. Therapy is a must and it needs prioritising. They soak up everything at this age and pick up on emotions far better than we do as adults.

Please go and see your GP/Health Visitor and good luck.

My mother resented her older sister. She has played that out with me and my older sister. Even I can see that she's mean to and about my sister and tries to get me to collude with her about 'bossy older sisters' etc. I am ashamed to say I used it to my advantage as a young child - I could get anything I wanted really, from the nicest bedroom to the front seat in the car etc.

Is it that? Are you projecting and playing out a childhood resentment against someone in your childhood?

Ok - but they aren’t going to click their fingers are they? Most likely I’ll be put on a long waiting list and then by the time I’m at the front of it I’ll be back at work and I a) can’t just take time off for therapy and b) will be able to pay anyway if that’s what I want to do.

So much great advice here OP. I would just add that I think you are incredibly self aware and in touch with your feelings. You seem to be able to recognize even the bad ones, talk about them and be openly honest with yourself and others. This is really good.
I'm not so sure you really need therapy maybe keep working on those feelings with a friend if you can't afford it. Maybe just one or two sessions could help you.
I'm sure you do love your son , just remember you love each of your children differently as they are. Good luck to you.

I do feel similar @Whataretalkingabout . I do love DS in a way of course but when we’ve had a rough day it’s easy to feel I don’t. I’m conscious my feelings are different but I also know the love is there and of course DD may well grow to be … challenging!

You said you had debts to clear too @ggggggggggggg . Sorry I assumed that could take a while. No harm in speaking to your GP/Health Visitor. There could be other avenues of support out there that they could signpost you to. Also no harm in being put on a waiting list.
It is up to you though, heck you dont have to do anything about it! Good luck with whatever you decide.
Parenting is the hardest slog sometimes.

I do @Iaskedyouthrice as I’ve built up a good 3k worth of credit card debt but it isn’t insurmountable and I can clear within a couple of months back at work. DD gets some funded hours in September so I’ll be a bit more flush (ha!) then.

At the moment though - therapy isn’t likely to happen because I’ve no one to have the kids and no money!

It can really depend on the timescale for your area @ggggggggggggg. I asked to be referred for mental health support with my first and was contacted within weeks by Mind.

Op I mean this gently but could part of his behaviour be jealousy, feeling unloved, or that you prefer the new baby? This sort of thing can make kids play up. As they don’t know what’s wrong or how to express it. Just that they are unhappy, and they do it for attention.

You are very self aware, get unpicking and reading up on stuff. I think you and your son will be just fine. Tell him you love him often even when he's in the midst of a toddler tantrum. Try not to put your brothers past behaviour onto him, I think this is a huge part of why you feel like you do. 3 year olds are nobheads sometimes. It's in the job description!
If you are reluctant to say any of this out loud to a professional, dont be. I think you need to dedicate some time for you, to work on you, to benefit you. Easy words for me to say I know but so so important. You are in the midst of baby and toddler hood, it is relentless. We all deserve medals!

When working as a health professional , I could refer women in this situation to mental health services. There was a service which accepted NHS referrals. I usually requested EMDR therapy but I had to meet the referral criteria on the form. Service would then undertake their own assessment to ensure treatment was appropriate. EMDR is a form of therapy for post trauma. The women I referred usually had excellent results. A suggestion.

@ggggggggggggg at 8mo postpartum you should be seen quickly on the NHS as it will be treated as though you have PND (which you probably do). It might be the perinatal mental health team. Don't wait, just pick up the phone.

You are finding reasons to avoid therapy, which is very understandable. It’s not an easy option and involves being vulnerable and talking about difficult things. The fact you can’t makes me wonder if you are from a ‘stiff upper lip’ or ‘brush it under the carpet’ family. May be you had the message that expressing vulnerability or emotions was dangerous or taboo.

But honestly, you do need to work through this. Focus on how you want your relationship to be now and in the future.

Even if it’s surface level work rather than trauma stuff, doing things that build your bond. If someone can have the baby for a couple of hours a couple of days a week, you could have special mum and son time. During this time put your guiding hat to one side and put your ‘curious’ hat on. Be interested in what he’s doing. Ask him about it. Join in the games. Notice what he’s doing that’s good (or good enough, or not difficult.

But you can’t leave this. You have a responsibility.

YY to all this

Are you sure it’s that you don’t love him/her or basically repressed trauma? Therapy therapy therapy (sorry but there’s something there and only that is going to bring it out!)

Sorry op, you need to fix this.

Speak to your gp please. Have you posted before?

@ggggggggggggg I am posting below a 10 year old thread of mine where I had the same dreadful fear. It may resonate as I recognise so, so much of your anguish from back then.

(At the time there had been a lighthearted thread about "favourites". It prompted me to brave my fear....to put it in black and white and expected a backlash. Instead the support I got on here was amazing. So it is here if you want to read it, and my journey to "fix" it. It is a bit long. It may not help. Or it may - even if to know you are not alone.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2011250-I-do-have-a-favourite-And-I-feel-sick-about-it?reply=45413411

And, as an update, DD is now 18. And despite my fear 10 years ago, I now have zero doubts about how much I love her. For the amazing person she is. For her wild red hair and piercings. For the lovely relationship she has with her girlfriend. She is funny, and kind, and has a strong sense of ethics and morals. She is reliable and sensible at work and her dedication to her studies and her love of learning is just awe-inspiring. And yet she loves adventure, the outdoors, trying new things and is so unutterably brave. All mixed in with an amazing sense of the absurd and loves just messing around with her 15 year old brother. She is currently out at the pub with her friends celebrating their last day of school. I am so, so proud of who she is. From her inner soul outwards. (Also proud, boasting mum alert..she is about to sit 4 A levels, predicted A stars and As and then off to Uni). Right now, having re-read bit of my old thread, all I want to do is just go to the pub, pop in and just give her the biggest, biggest hug ever and cry all over her at how much I love her.

So that ^^ chunky big paragraph hopefully shows you you can get over this. You do love your son, but something is "blocking" it - through no fault of your own. Potentially the childhood dynamics. It was not fair, or right that you had to suppress your personality for your brother. Maybe this is coming out now? But remember, you are not your mother. You are determined not to do the same. That recognising it, as you have, is the biggest, first hurdle.

I did need therapy. But I get it may not be financially possible at the moment.

But as well as therapy, MN was an enormous support.

Please feel free to PM me if you would like.