God help me but I love one child and not the other

[ggggggggggggg]

And once I’ve admitted it to myself with the caveat of ‘I love my child but …’ it’s been like a horrible floodgate.

I don’t think I do love him and I feel horrendous about it. He didn’t choose to be born to me and I just didn’t know I wouldn’t love him. Everyone says that you love your own child and I thought I did and then I had another and I realised how different the feelings I have are.

I once rang my GP but I put the phone down as I just don’t know what to say Feel like I’m going to fuck then both up.

Oh, and @ggggggggggggg low progesterone can be a cause of anxiety and rage and you can go into a low progesterone "slump" in the months after giving birth. So it may be worth mentioning to your GP and asking for talking therapy. Yes there maybe a wait, but sooner you get on the waiting list the sooner you will be seen.

@Newsenmum i saw your edited post and I do think we are not going to agree.

Getting help for a deeply complex issue like this which interlinks lockdowns and Covid, being a first time mother (in midwinter) compared to a second rodeo in midsummer, my own background and experiences and just plain old one is a three-nager and one is an adorable cuddly moppet - these are complex issues that you can’t just ‘get help’ for in the way that you mean

I am aware there is a difference in how I feel about them - sometimes. I sometimes find DS frustrating, I’m not always as patient as I should be - but sometimes I’m brilliant with him, kind but firm and all that. I take him places - to concerts (for children I mean ) museums, libraries, groups, role play centres, swimming, good old parks, wildlife centres, forest playgroups. I read with him, I talk to him about the world and try to instil my values - as much as one can with a three year old - in him. I really do my best. This is not an abused little boy.

Counselling may help. It may not. It isn’t a catch all cure and it also most pertinently is not free. A quick google indicates anything between £50 and £70 an hour and I’d have to get there and have someone have the children. It really isn’t as simple as you’re making it out to be.

It DOES hemp to post on here, to share and to consider the whats and the whys. A lot of it I realised this morning isn’t DS, it’s just having two little children is hard. Life is much much easier when I just have one of them.

Is there an element to this that is gendered? I know you speak of DD as a cuddly moppet but surely your DS was also a cuddly moppet at 8 months no matter how defiant he is now at 3.5? I actually don’t like babies a lot so I would take a defiant 3.5 year old any day- they are like sponges- learning new stuff daily with a funny personality to boot.

And can you reframe your own brother as not sullen but someone who had a disability that wasn’t perhaps recognised and unaccounted for in every day life? It’s therefore unsurprising he was grumpy and disruptive right? Imagine if your cuddly moppet of a DD couldn’t hear properly and then everyone kept yelling at her for not following instructions. She would get sullen very soon right?

If you can’t do the therapy perhaps you can read some parenting books. I like Dr Becky’s The Good Inside…she recommends a calm but fair approach that is empathetic.

He was @MangshorJhol but this is where different circumstances come into play.

I was back at work at this point with DS, full time. DD is at peak baby group and enjoying interacting with toys and little baby books. I missed this with DS.

I realise you don’t like my description of my brother but I’m explaining what life with him was like. I have no doubt it wasn’t his fault: it didn’t (and doesn’t) make being around him easy.

As I’ve said I’m not keen on parenting books. I find they confuse me and make me doubt my own instincts when dealing with DS.

"Counselling may help. It may not. It isn’t a catch all cure and it also most pertinently is not free. A quick google indicates anything between £50 and £70 an hour and I’d have to get there and have someone have the children. It really isn’t as simple as you’re making it out to be."

It is possible to get counselling for free on the NHS - yes there are waiting lists but with a baby you'll be fast tracked - and also free or cheap (heavily subsidised) from charities like Mind and others. There are a few local to me. Also it is very common to do it by video call now (silver lining of Covid I guess) so you wouldn't have to physically go anywhere although you would obviously need to schedule it for after bedtime or when your 3yo is at preschool and your 8mo is napping (IF baby naps reliably!)

It is possible

But

Who is going to have DD?
When I’m back at work, how will I access it?

It really isn’t possible at the moment.

Your cuddly little poppet baby will be a 3 year old one day.

Part of what is going on may be related to having a young baby. Somehow a 3-year-old seems enormous when compared to an 8-month-old. Perhaps you are expecting a level of maturity he isn't capable of. That can certainly happen.

However, the dynamics seem to go much deeper than that. Contact your GP on Monday and mention the possibility of PND (which may indeed play a role here). I would also strongly encourage you to investigate therapy options. If no one can fit you in immediately, get on as many waiting lists as possible. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain. Of course, therapy definitely won't work if you don't put in the effort, so that is essential. But it seems as though you genuinely want to make changes. I don't think anyone could do that alone in this situation. Posting on MN really is nothing more than a first tiny step. Professional help and guidance are needed. And it truly is urgent.

@CaptainCarrot

If you really want to help the OP, RTFT before posting.

I have done, thanks.

You say you think your brother might be autistic - could it be that ds is too and you're struggling with him because of that? It tends to run in families as often genetic. Mine was extremely difficult in some ways for the first few years but wasn't diagnosed until secondary school age when it became more obvious. Worth considering OP.

NC for this. I resonate with this so much.

4 yo and 1 yo. Same sex. The 4 yo was a rough pregnancy, rough birth, was/is a very challenging baby/toddler/pre schooler (potentially ND), a lot of which happened in covid so no support. I am very much ‘faking it until I make it’ with them as they obviously don’t deserve this. I’m faking well. Everyone thinks I adore the ground they walk on and that I’m ‘so good with them despite their challenges’.

The 1 yo is a gorgeous child, so easy and happy and delightful. Much easier pregnancy (but another rough birth) and no covid. There is no faking it with them. They are my absolute world and it’s so natural. Even the sleep deprivation is fine this time round. Hated mat leave first time round, second time it was the best year of my life.

I feel f*cking awful about it but there we go.

I know. And I am very aware things can and do change very rapidly. What I’m trying to express though is that I’ve struggled with DS for a longtime and I do think some of that is PND which has been festering for years. It’s what to do about it that’s the problem.

I think posters using my words in the way this poster has - although she is not the only one - perhaps they don’t intend it but it comes across very cuttingly and is shutting me down at a time when I’m trying to open up.

@NC71836 i can identify with a lot of that. I’m sorry you’re here too.

I am pretty sure DS is not autistic. But time will tell.

These patterns do not need to be set in stone forever. The early days with my DD were difficult and I didn't bond well with her for a myriad of reasons (sleep deprivation, birth trauma, breast feeding failure, early return to work, mh, and I just wasn't ready to look another person). Then I had DS and it was completely different, we lived in a precious snuggly milk-drunk bubble for months and he was my whole world. I didn't love DD like that as a baby or toddler. They are mid/late teens now and our respective relationships have of course changed naturally over time. DD and I are incredibly close and have been for many years, and DS is a right royal pain in the arse now tbh 😂 But I love them both very, very deeply and they know it.

(I did definitely have PND with DD)

I could have written your post, except that mine are 7 and 3 now, and the oldest was recently diagnosed with autism. Oh and the 3yo now has less than delightful moments

Thanks @thepurplepenguin

The love is there, I know it is. It’s just somehow harder to access, more complex somehow.

I have wondered if it’s a boy girl thing but I honestly don’t think it is. I did have a preference for a girl with DD. My own mother died when I was still a teenager and I do think a lot of us out there who lost our own mums have this desire for a daughter of our own. But she would have been loved and cherished whoever she was. I didn’t find out the sex as I didn’t want to ever feel anything but love for my baby. And I was right to do so as at the hospital having her I didn’t care if she was a boy or a girl, I just wanted to meet my baby.

The love is there and when irritation gets in it’s way I just need to find my way back to the love .

And I am sure dd will drive me insane with her escapades (ds ruined s pair of almost brand new shoes which sparked this post … I get he doesn’t understand value for money etc but seriously )

Perhaps lower your expectations of a 3 year old.

Oh for sure. I’m aware DC2 will not be a squishy little peri-toddler forever. But as you say your 3 yo has less than delightful ‘moments’. I expect difficult moments and phases with DC2. I know there will be tantrums and tears and defiance. But I suspect there will also be lots of lovely moments. Pretty much every single waking (and often sleeping) minute has been a battle for 4 plus years with DC1 and I’ve just become apathetic - I’m not sure if that’s to them, the situation or both. I think apathy is a form of subconscious psychological protection to stop myself drowning. That’s so awful to write I know.

You’re being a little bit provocative @Maroonedjam , and I don’t know why.

I don’t wish to give too much away but I’ll somewhat cagily say I can see you. I know you know what I mean.

What I don’t know is why you’re being like this when I believed you to be a friend.

Today is also a tough anniversary for me and I often get upset on the buildup without fully realising why.

Three is a bit ugh, isn’t it?

I do think, and this is where it’s so helpful to type it out, it really is meeting different needs that’s tough. Ds is easy enough alone.

Oh and my gorgeous snuggly baby spewed on me at 4am and has been verrrrrry grumpy all day so I’ve decided to send her back as faulty goods too 😅

It's not awful, it makes sense. Sometimes you have to detach because it's all too painful, exhausting or overwhelming (or all 3!)

What I would also say is if you can possibly get some help and support with these issues in the future, please do. As I said, my relationship with DD is brilliant now and I don't believe that the early years have affected her (we are very open and she hasn't said anything). But I do still feel horrendously guilty that I wasn't able to bond and that my relationship with her baby sibling was so different. It's not a nice feeling to have to carry around with you long term. You're obviously very self aware, and a caring, loving parent, so be gentle with yourself.

@thepurplepenguin i do think we’ll be okay.

For full context, since someone I know is on this thread, I posted yesterday, today is the ten year anniversary of losing my dad so it’s a hard time of year anyway and ten years is very significant.

So yesterday it was very, very hot, we had to take a relative somewhere and ended up in a park nearby for a few hours in the afternoon. I was patient, kind, bought ice creams, but by the end of the day it’s fair to say I was wrung out and of course ds was too, I get that. Had so much rude and difficult behaviour I had to walk away in the end and let dh deal with stories and I always do stories before bed, it felt horrible to walk away from this thing that’s mine, has always been mine. And I thought and I posted here.

It doesn’t mean I don’t actually love him, so so much, it’s just the behaviour is sometimes really hard.and I know three year olds are. But it doesn’t make it easier I. The moment!

Do not blame or shame yourself xxxx