Could you do without friends?

[castorpollox]

I've always been OK at making friends. I went to university, did a few sociable jobs. But lately, I'm starting to wonder if I actually get anything out of friendship.

Since having kids, I would rather be with my husband and kids. It just seems so much effort spending time with other people. I can't think of anything to say and the conversation feels exhausting. I ask them about themselves etc, I know all the ways you're 'supposed' to conduct a friendship and I can do it quite well, but sometimes I wonder why.

When I wake up and realise I have a social plan today I always get a sinking feeling.

I put the effort in to 'maintain the friendship' but sometimes I wonder if there's any point maintaining them.

There's nothing wrong with any of the people, I just prefer being on my own or with my immediate family. I actually find seeing my own extended family just as tiring, but would never cut them off as I know they'd be hurt. I don't think any of my friends would be too bothered.

You talk as if these people were completely generic and interchangeable. Don’t you care about any of them Or are you using ‘friends’ in the sense I often see it used on here, meaning ‘people I know’.

I’m like this too OP, didn’t used to be, socialising feels like such an effort.

I have friendships that have fizzled out because the friendships were very one sided, I was always the one they turned to for advice but it wasn’t reciprocated when I was in need.

We didn’t fall out, I just stopped plugging all my energy into maintaining these friendships.

I only have two close friends who I make the effort with, but as a whole I’m done with people as all they do is mentally drain me xx

I recognise the sinking feeling and second thoughts about socialising. I'm a big old introvert and it's very much my comfort zone to be quite insular.

I do think it's something to resist and that it's good to continue to put effort into friendships, however, for a few reasons -

a. for your kids, to help teach them social skills - they need to learn to negotiate friendships at school and in life, and seeing you manage a social life is a better lesson than anything you can say

b. because marriages don't always last whether through divorce or death, and having the company of friends can help you get through

c. being the sole social outlet and focus of a person's life is a lot to put on a partner.

I personally have some great friends and also am lucky enough to have a DH who I love and adore. Both situations give a different kind of satisfaction. I like my friends and care about them. Three are getting divorced and I have been helping one clear out the family home recently and she has been incredibly grateful for the support.

You have possibly just had friends as a means to an end as otherwise you would have been alone. But beware not bothering at all. Look at my three friends now divorcing what if they had dropped all their mates? Plus my sister was widowed at just past 60.

One of my closest friends who was a psychotherapist and who has now sadly died said it was unwise to look for everything you needed in life from just one person and also quite unrealistic.

Are your DC very young and are you sleep deprived? If so I think your feelings may change in time.

I really love and value my friends and couldn’t be without them. The way you talk about your friends makes them sound more like acquaintances. I enjoy some people’s company but could do without them. It sounds like you don’t have any actual friends.

I think if you are content in a happy relationship then you do probably need friends less.
Its situational though, I'm going through a divorce and I couldn't be without my friends right now. But even when i was married i needed them. My oldest friends i have known for over 25 years, you can't replace that level of comfort and trust.
I think if you let your friendships slide you would regret it over time.

I’m a bit like this OP and not the most naturally sociable and never really know what to talk about. The roles are reversed slightly in our marriage as my dh is the sociable one and spends hours on the phone to his friends and family whereas I only tend to find friends where we have a common interest. I’ve made myself join a local sports club so at least we have a common topic of conversation - I may not feel that we have a very close friendship in the traditional female sense but I do find it helps my mental health being able to chat to non close family about something completely different and do an activity together.

I love my friends and they've been a great support to me over the years. Family isn't so all-consuming when the children get older and it's not fair to make them hang round you when they want to be with their friends.

It's lovely that you've got a nice relationship with your DH but that can change through divorce or illness. I'm wondering if you need better friends if you're not that bothered about them? And if you aren't it's probably best to let them drift away. I'd hate to have friends who are so lukewarm about me!

Harsh but possibly true!

I have a good number of people who I message frequently and often meet for drinks, walks etc. I didn't miss a single one of them during lockdown.

Someone asked about 'caring' about them and it's a good question. I don't not care about them but I don't worry about them or really hope they're OK in the same way I do my parents, siblings and husband and children.

I think as we get older it is very easy to slow down and become insular and comfortable with a smaller world, which can then get smaller and smaller again if your children move away and you retire and your spouse (god forbid) leaves or dies.

For many people this is quite attractive because they find new thoughts and other people's opinions tedious or challenging, and are genuinely happier pottering around on their own. But for most of us social contact is important and engaging with ideas and news from beyond our own bubble is worth the challenge to stop us becoming stagnant. Like everything it is about finding the right balance.

I am also aware of the 'eggs in one basket' risk with the husband, but then if he wasn't here, I'm not sure if I wouldn't rather just be on my own than with people where I have to make an effort to talk to?

Kids are very young so not really counting them as 'company' at the moment. More creatures to be wrangled!

I've got less friends as I've gotten older but that was through choice. The lockdown made me see a few people differently as they weren't treating me very well.

The friends I do have left, some of them are like family to me and I do need that friendship. The best part is none of them are that needy that we have to spend every day or week together. My absolute best friend I keep in touch mostly daily but other than that, we meet up when we want to. Usually once or twice a month depending. After all, we all work and have other things going on.

I do need these friends. If I haven't seem them for a bit and have a catch up, I always feel better.

being the sole social outlet and focus of a person's life is a lot to put on a partner

This is such an important point and has been echoed by other pps.

My DH and I have both maintained and nurtured our separate friendships through the years so he can do his hobby talk with them 😁 and meet for a drink or whatever, and I love chatting to and meeting up with mine. In retirement, as we both are now, these friendships are even more vital.

Maybe you are simply too worn down by the demands of young children to have the energy for real, in depth friendships? I hope one day you will and then you will see why the effort is worthwhile

Yes. I don't have any. Not a single one. By choice.

Yes, this is the reason I continue putting the effort into mine really, because it feels like I'll regret it if I don't. But then I start to think...will I?

It sounds like husband and are very intense with each other from my description I know, but I don't think we are. We are just quite similar in that our order of preference for doing things (like a nice walk or whatever) would be 1) together 2) alone 3) with other people.

I do think I've become less sociable since having small children. They certainly drain you and I often crave silence and solitude.

I do think I've become less sociable since having small children. They certainly drain you and I often crave silence and solitude.

Yes, this isn't surprising. Kids take up a lot of energy, mental, emotional and physical. But they won't always be small - time goes fast and before you know it, they won't need you in the same way.

When it comes to the "empty nest" later on in life, you might regret letting friendships go - it's not easy making new friends as an adult. Probably seems far off and not a worry when you're in the thick of raising small children, but it comes faster than you think.

Maybe you're just a bit burnt out or very busy. Sometimes we just go into survival mode or hyper focus because there just isn't enough time and energy to go around at that moment. It doesn't mean it will always be that way.

I know what you mean op. I feel a bit down about friends lately and I see your point but my friend lost her mam has just the husb thats not healthy either.

These friends of yours don’t sound like close friends of your heart. I only have a few of these and sadly I see them very rarely but when I do it’s time well spent. Acquaintances I can take or leave socialising with, although it’s often fun and I learn something when I hang out with them.

To answer your question, yes I think you can do without friends.

I am very introverted and don’t really have any friends. Over the years there have been many people I have been friendly with and temporarily close to but those relationships have always been situational. The situation changes and the friendship ends.

Since lockdown I would say I don’t really have any friends, I have people I see socially, I have people that I am friendly with but we are not close.

i think modelling a variety of friends and relationships is good for kids to see, for that reason alone you don’t want to be too insular.

@castorpollox I could have written your post myself, only my kids are now teens. I have several 'friends' (close acquaintances) that I will see in a group and have a nice time with, generally with my husband there too.

However I don't have a close friend that I could call if I had a problem or needed some help, and to be honest l can't imagine being comfortable with doing this even if I did.

I find it an effort to keep up a happy, bubbly appearance all the time when with 'friends' which makes me think I just haven't found the right sort of friend for me. But at the same time I'm not exactly forthcoming in making new friendships so I'm a bit stuck!

I wouldn't want to be without friends. I find it's harder to make new ones as you get older, but the existing ones are worth nurturing.

You write differently to how I feel. You sound anti-social, a-social, introverted, detached, I'm not sure what the word is. I value my close friends. I don't feel bad pre meeting them. If you do feel like this, then why are you forcing yourself. Maybe just withdraw from them for a bit?