Could you do without friends?

[castorpollox]

I've always been OK at making friends. I went to university, did a few sociable jobs. But lately, I'm starting to wonder if I actually get anything out of friendship.

Since having kids, I would rather be with my husband and kids. It just seems so much effort spending time with other people. I can't think of anything to say and the conversation feels exhausting. I ask them about themselves etc, I know all the ways you're 'supposed' to conduct a friendship and I can do it quite well, but sometimes I wonder why.

When I wake up and realise I have a social plan today I always get a sinking feeling.

I put the effort in to 'maintain the friendship' but sometimes I wonder if there's any point maintaining them.

There's nothing wrong with any of the people, I just prefer being on my own or with my immediate family. I actually find seeing my own extended family just as tiring, but would never cut them off as I know they'd be hurt. I don't think any of my friends would be too bothered.

I can absolutely do without friends. It has been almost 14 years since I last had a friend. I am polite to neighbours if I see them, I speak to work colleagues (via teams) during working hours only. For the last 14 years it has just been myself and my husband and our 12 year old son. I couldn't be happier. Life has become so much less stressful since I stop having friends. I do not miss anything about having friends. Quite often I read posts on here about issues people are having with their friends and I am so glad I no longer have to deal with any of it.

@MystyLuna , I feel the same way

I was really close to someone a few years ago, but think I was burning out generally so unfortunately didn’t make as much effort. Felt too ashamed to say what was going on. Anyway, that person is now much closer to another girl. We are still good mates but don’t see/speak as much as we did. I do wish I hadn’t burnt out as that friendship
was amazing

I think its good to keep friends- your DC will have their owns lives , it won't always be a bubble of trips out to the park with littluns.

Not entirely no contact. We do eachother favours occasionally, I paid a vet bill when their cat was unwell last year (it was very expensive and insurance didn't cover it), one of them is a seamstresses and tailored a dress for me for an event last year. I will be contacted if somebody is unwell etc, but we don't talk on the phone we don't text we don't meet up on birthdays or at Christmas. I go months at a time not knowing what they are doing and vice versa. It's just how it's panned out.

I don't really feel the need to have people around me or to be acknowledged by people I know, it falls as very low importance to me. I don't really seek out approval either or feel I need advice or guidance from others. I am not necessarily incapable of love as I love my partner but I don't really see any strength in relationships built on the idea of love which has been assigned for no other reason than being a blood relation. I also don't like the demands of these type of relationship, for me it far out weighs any benefit I get back especially if they have expectations with my involvement or feel entitled to my time. Or even extending myself to their partners or children, which I feel are even less events that involve me.

Hard to explain, but effectively I would gain little from a large effort to maintain and lose nothing by not forcing it it to happen.

I'm like you OP and I've come to the conclusion that life is short and you can certainly live without friends if you want. Unfortunately the narrative is usually about what social animals we all are and how we'll suffer if we try and go it alone. But, I've noticed this is changing slowly, particularly with more awareness and understanding of neuro-diversity. During Covid, an extrovert friend of mine was really suffering mentally, but I seemed to thrive. I do the odd Zoom with friends, some of whom live abroad, and only do face to face occasionally. Same with family who are dotted about the country. Don't let anyone put you under pressure to be social. For some of us, it's well overrated.

OP I can understand you are at a busy point in your life. When you have an empty nest things change. I enjoy having a few friends who I catch up with if we want to do something. Most I've known from being a young professional. However I don't choose to see anyone on a weekly basis and don't have long chatty phone calls with anybody.

i prefer plans that are flexiable at times, vs locked in plans for events etc

Oh wow, the term ' situational friendships' makes so much sense . It's actually all become clear, friends attached to certain eras or events in your life. There is that saying that you're no longer friends now for a reason and that you just drift apart when your life changes or they don't serve you anymore. It's interesting but in my younger years I tried hard to keep all friendships going for sentimental reasons because they are part of our personal history but I'm actually not sure this is healthy now ... it's okay to let people go ...

My work colleagues are my daytime friends. At home, it’s just partner and daughter. I don’t particularly miss having friends but it might be nice to occasionally have a dinner party or meet friends for drinks. I do that occasionally with work colleagues, otherwise just with partner.

No. I couldn't be without my friends.

Family are far away and my friends are sanity.

Most people aren’t friends, they’re only there for what they can get out of it.

True friendships are both ways, and almost none are.

When you finally wake up and realise that you’re on your own it’s a bit of a shock but you’ll get over it!

I've got friends and an active social life, but I've never once in my adult life turned to a friend for advice or comfort, or confided in them about my problems.
I deal with everything privately and my favourite thing is to spend time alone.

I spent a weekend alone recently - DH was away - and I had a fantastic time going to yoga, wandering into town, walking the dog, batch cooking, watching films, cleaning the house, doing my nails. I met a friend for 90 mins for a coffee and that was enough to satisfy me socially.

Could I live without friends? Yes, but I think I'd feel the weight of social pressure to have friends and start to doubt myself, which would lead to an uncomfortable life.

All well and good but I have a relative who says with pride that she hates people, likes her own company and finds people “too much like hard work”.
kids have flown the nest, husband died some years ago.

Now alone. I mean alone with no friends and family who do have a social life therefore not always available to ease the silence and long lonely days.

After a lifetime of interactions and meeting people who are not all hard work and awful, now has nothing to show for it.

So her gleeful conversational piece of “I can’t be bothered with people” now impacts her mental health.
It’s sad.

Absolutely couldn't do without my friends.

I'm married with family who've left home but my week involves seeing numerous friends for walks/chats/coffee. It's what gets me through the week!

OP, I was a bit like you until DH had a health scare. Thankfully it turned out there was nothing wrong with him, but it was a sharp wake-up call and I’ve made an effort to create/maintain a group of friends since then.

Couldn't be without my friends

Wait until you have a crises in your life that's when you find out who your real friends are .

My husbands/partners have come and gone but my friends have been constant . I have different groups. We meet up about once a month but if I needed them they would always be there for me. I enjoy it and it never feels like an effort. Just remember your children will grow up and while you will hopefully remain close they will have their own lives. Loneliness is one of the biggest killers in old age .

I do have some friends where it feels this way sometimes, but I also have friends who I missed during lockdown and turn to when things are tough. I couldn't get by without them.

Maybe your friends aren't 'your kind of people'?

Yes I could do without friends. I have a group of friends I met in the 90s, but I wouldn't call on them for help (although they've regularly asked me!) I have a hobby which is quite sociable, other than that I love just amusing myself or going out on my own.

I could have written this!! I feel like I don’t have time for friends, my life is so busy with husband, kids, pets, work etc that having to fit another thing in (like friends) feels like an unnecessary chore! Admittedly I’ve made very little effort to maintain friendships but I have zero regrets about this.

If, god forbid, anything happened to my husband or my marriage, I think I’d be absolutely fine pottering about on my own until my kids want to spend time with me!

This is not a phase, I’ve been like this since a child, I prefer my own company over anything else. I’m surprised I ever even got married TBH 😂 Especially to a man who is ultra-sociable 🙈

Friends are important. My circle not huge but nice have them. Kids have their own lives now she 18. I do things alone but thats lonely at times

I have a young Dc and have drifted from my friends (maybe we weren’t such good friends after all?). But the reality is I would rather spend my time with Dc and DH on weekend than leaving them to go out with friends (I work four days). I wouldn’t want to leave Dc and DH to go on hol with friends either (personal preference not saying you can’t) as again I wouldn’t want to lose that time with them. I’m not maintaining fiends just in case DH dies earlier or we get divorced!! I will cross that bridge if it came to it. Sometimes I do feel lonely. I have two very good friends left to be fair, but busy lives and distance means meet ups are very far between, but that’s ok. Do what feels right for you now - you only get one life and you don’t get any time back.

Yes, you can do without and be really happy as well. I went through a period of meeting just horrible people. After that I only kept my most loyal and closest three friends and only see them rarely. They all live abroad now. I have my family too and that is plenty of love and support for me.