Could you do without friends?

[castorpollox]

I've always been OK at making friends. I went to university, did a few sociable jobs. But lately, I'm starting to wonder if I actually get anything out of friendship.

Since having kids, I would rather be with my husband and kids. It just seems so much effort spending time with other people. I can't think of anything to say and the conversation feels exhausting. I ask them about themselves etc, I know all the ways you're 'supposed' to conduct a friendship and I can do it quite well, but sometimes I wonder why.

When I wake up and realise I have a social plan today I always get a sinking feeling.

I put the effort in to 'maintain the friendship' but sometimes I wonder if there's any point maintaining them.

There's nothing wrong with any of the people, I just prefer being on my own or with my immediate family. I actually find seeing my own extended family just as tiring, but would never cut them off as I know they'd be hurt. I don't think any of my friends would be too bothered.

I get the little kids draining all your energy, I'm only coming out of that stage. It's important to remember that it's a temporary thing, they will need you less as they get older and then you may desire other social contacts.

I agree that it's harder to make friends older. This may sound mean but I'm very cynical about people who remain overly dependent on relationships with their kids as their kids become more independent. The problem with only having time for your spouse and kids is that you can become very dull. I think older kids and grandkids actually prefer to spend time with family members that have their own personalities and lives outside of the family relationships.

TLDR is remember that the stage you're in is temporary and you may get more out of friendships later.

I'd be lost without my friends. They are part of my family.

I think you definitely need a few close friends because life can change overnight and the more reliable people you have in your corner the better.

Yes, exactly the same.

To an extent I do agree with the posters on this thread pointing out that my current hectic life phase will be temporary and I do always think about the future, but I'm realising the problem is the closeness of the friendships. Perhaps they are more 'people I socialise with' rather than 'friends' and I think the reason it's so much effort to be with them is because I'm not really myself in the way I am at home.

I feel that converting current loose friendships into closer ones is probably easier than meeting new people, but not sure that's possible. People would be like 'God, castorpollox has got clingy all of a sudden, hasn't she?' 😂

You sound like me OP. I’m very introverted and find a lot of socialising very draining. I also wonder if I have some kind of social anxiety as I’m always very aware of worrying about how I come across and whether people like me and why they would want to be around me.

This sounds a lot like me. For me I find I’m always disappointed by people, eventually something happens and we drift, no big fallings out or anything just that closeness doesn’t stick. If that makes sense. I’ll have a time when I’m close to someone but it never lasts because as I get closer I find we didn’t actually have much in common so I put less effort in and then so do they.

I spend far too much time worrying about this and wishing I was different though. That I could find someone who is the right fit for me but I don’t know if I just expect to much of people and will never find the right fit but at the same time I get so jealous of all these great friendships and wish I had the same. Yet rather than take the opportunity after putting in all the work I just let it fade out again 🤣🤣. Sorry I’m not sure I’ve answered well there, I guess just another perspective of how we’re all different. Stick with what makes you happy if you’re satisfied by that!

I do alot on my own anyway and dog gets me out. My friend said same lately people weird after covid zero effort to catch up. No wonder people on their own. I meet a few through my kids sports odd coffee etc

I have a core group of friends I've had since my school days. We hardly ever meet up, although when we do I enjoy it. We send odd messages in our group chat and sometimes I'll voice note them for a quick 'chat'. I think we would all class each other as our closest friends, and fundamentally know we are all there for each other and I think there's a sense of security for me in that and I would feel lonely without it. But the difference between them and me is that they have other friends too, whereas I just don't feel the need to.

I do have a friendly relationship with school mums and colleagues but wouldn't socialise with them and although I'm quite an open person I don't like getting emotionally invested with people. I also have quite a large extended family who I end up seeing a lot on a small scale and am close to my Mum. So my limited social needs are met.

I don't think lockdown was good for me. I enjoyed it as an introvert, but probably haven't recognised that not getting back into the habit of socialising has likely had a negative impact without me fully realising. I also would hate to think that being a mum and wife is all I am.

No. There doesn't need to be a huge number, but they are way more important than family.

God no. I've never been someone who understands the whole mundane conversation of kitchen extensions (current hot topic) etc. My closest friends I have a strong shared history of experiences, many of which can never be repeated and may go to our grave, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I think it’s a little strange that people have friends in case their marriage ended and they needed support or company. Or to “model” relationships for their children. How would their “friends” feel about that as the real reason for their friendship?

I see this as a non-issue, for the most part. I think you just do what feels comfortable for you. Some people, especially more extrovert types, love being around people and having lots of friends. Some people don’t. Some people aren’t especially choosy who they relate to, they’re hale and hearty types. Some people are simply much more introverted, private. Some people are even traumatised by the relationships they’ve had with people, or the lives they’ve lived so feel more peaceful with less human interaction. I myself have only a couple of friends and though I care about them I would be ok without. However I am in my 60s and perhaps more self reliant.

Yes, I already do. I’m happy with my little family and my unremarkable life, and the peace I get to enjoy every day because I don’t have to “people”. I’m naturally introverted, and enjoy my own company 🙂

I think it’s a little strange that people have friends in case their marriage ended and they needed support or company. Or to “model” relationships for their children? How would their “friends” feel about that as the real reason for a relationship?

It's not solely for those reasons 😂

OP was asking why should she bother maintaining friendships, what's the point of doing so? And there are practical long-term advantages to having a social circle beyond your family unit.

If I were to say there are practical advantages to being in a couple, does the emotional component really need spelling out as well?

If the issue is that she doesn't have an emotional tie to the friends (and not that she's just shattered and on retreat socially), then maybe those friendships aren't worth cultivating but others might be.

Friends you should have a laugh with and find conversation flows without effort. If its taking effort, you either are chosing incompatible people to be friends, or maybe you have some ND causing a need for effort, or just very introverted.

I need social interaction but I don't need friends to the extent I can tolerate an increasing list of behaviours I don't enjoy being around. In the last few years I've stopped viewing friendly acquaintances as friends, come off social media - so that lays bare how few friends I really do have.

I love impromptu conversations with people - strangers, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours. Had a lovely 30 min chat with a lady in a queue with me a couple of days ago, which was great.

My closest friends (had for decades) don't live anywhere near me now but we chat on the phone regularly and meet up when we can.

I don't have any close friends who live locally now (don't live in hometown) - I did but the ones I got on with best moved away (two to Australia) and the ones who remained I came to realise I didn't really enjoy being around and it was best to accept they weren't actually friends rather than keep up the pretence. Definitely open to more friends but slowly does that.

Having brought up 2 kids been married and worked unsociable hrs I don't currently have any real friends.
I suspect I'm neurodiverse though so plans feel like another chore.
I like people though.I care about others.
I just like to do what I want when I want.

I love impromptu conversations with people - strangers, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours

Me too, albeit usually in small doses.

But I do find most people beyond that incompatible really. I have my own outlooks and MO which i have come to see is not shared by the majority of people, which I now more happily accept. True friendship i believe is actually very rare. Casual company or friendships can be nice at times but I have lowered my expectations generally.

I think romantic love is over-hyped and platonic love is underrated.

I couldn’t do without friends in my life.

I don’t have a DH or DC and I value and need my friends.

SIL (DB’s DW) has a few baby group mum friends but also has a couple of mum close/best friends she knew way before having the baby, one single best friend from high school (she visits her and vice versa as a 2-3 hour trip away).

She also had a best friend who’s married but since covid their friendship ended (partly as the friend didn’t take on the fact SIL had a DC, and they were working on a project together). They tried to patch their friendship up.

SIL can make new friends but maybe since the above one ending she’d choose to back off from such an intense friendship going forwards or maybe not.

I am very introverted and don’t really have friends . I have two autistic teenagers, so I don’t really have a life outside caring for them , so I’m probably very dulll ! It’s like I’m still stuck at the small child stage with my tiredness etc .

I’d hate not to have friends. Although I’m fairly introverted I have a few friends who I’d classify as good friends and I enjoy their company. I get something different from my friends than what I do my from partner. Different conversations, different perspectives etc. A lot of acquaintances I’d say I don’t have the same connection with and couldn't be bothered to spend a lot of time with- I feel it is harder as you get older too to make those true connections.

Maybe you haven’t met the right friends?

I'm the exact same op. Me and my partner both are. Fortunately we don't burn eachother out. I find everybody else exhausting. I'm not sure why I maintain friendships either tbh, I hate family things too. I don't visit my siblings or parents either or call them, it's not that we dislike eachother and haven't fallen out, I'm just happier left alone.

I find people who insist upon themselves even worse. People who are clingy, demanding or pushy I cut off very quickly, no time for it at all.

I did go out with an old school friend last week (we meet up a few times a year) and I had a great time though. We laughed a lot, like loads. This is one of my oldest friends though so perhaps it's different.

I hate family things too. I don't visit my siblings or parents either or call them, it's not that we dislike eachother and haven't fallen out, I'm just happier left alone.

So no contact at all?

I must say I do find that really odd when you say there's been no falling out.

Totally agree. I love my close friends and would do anything for them. My world would be so much greyer without them. I do have a husband and kids I love too but my friends add a different dimension to my life in lots of different ways.

I'm lucky to have a few really close friends. Most of them live far from me because I've moved around a lot but we still meet up and are in frequent contact. They mean the world to me! I can't imagine life without them. Most of them are friendships from my pre-motherhood life. This is important as I feel I can be me with them, the old me - not mummy or wife! I personally think you should maintain your identity and not just get lost in the role of mother/wife.
Having said that I'm 49, perimenopausal and don't have the time or energy to socialise as much as I used to. I used to socialise every day. Now I'm happy with a couple of times a month.