Could you do without friends?

[castorpollox]

I've always been OK at making friends. I went to university, did a few sociable jobs. But lately, I'm starting to wonder if I actually get anything out of friendship.

Since having kids, I would rather be with my husband and kids. It just seems so much effort spending time with other people. I can't think of anything to say and the conversation feels exhausting. I ask them about themselves etc, I know all the ways you're 'supposed' to conduct a friendship and I can do it quite well, but sometimes I wonder why.

When I wake up and realise I have a social plan today I always get a sinking feeling.

I put the effort in to 'maintain the friendship' but sometimes I wonder if there's any point maintaining them.

There's nothing wrong with any of the people, I just prefer being on my own or with my immediate family. I actually find seeing my own extended family just as tiring, but would never cut them off as I know they'd be hurt. I don't think any of my friends would be too bothered.

I and my friends are past the small children phase in life. During that time we didn’t see much or each other and it was just an occasional meet-up/chat friendship. But when our children here up, we had more time and energy and our friendships became closer and more giving. I suggest you just keep them pottering along on the backburner for now. In some years’ time, you may find you have more to give them and enjoy your friends more.

As l have got older, l have decided less friends but of better quality works better for me. Don't waste precious time on people that aren't true friends.

I got many types of friends. Some are shallow some are deep. I can live without all of them but not without all of them at the time. I would struggle if I lost all the people I care about at the same time. They are part of my life. It helps to have people around you with certain type of connection and feelings.

My husband is great company and I love time with him. But as much as he can fill my cup, I have other needs and interests. We like to talk about other things. Ideas. And to do that, we both like to go off and explore those ideas.
If you don't even have anything your enjoy for yourself, even a solo hobby that you wish you had more time for then I think you might be a bit worn down.
You don't have to crave time for other people but not interest in anything is a bit of an amber light to me. And I know you're not saying I'm depressed but are you actually content or is what you have all you have the energy for.
Perhaps you like a deeper connection and you should follow some of your interests to find a friend you really connect with. Because that won't feel like socialising then. It will feel like a nice breath of fresh air. Good friends make me feel like I've got a light switched on in me, especially in these days with small kids.

Yep, I feel this. I sometimes find as well doing stuff around other people such as a yoga class, but without actually chatting away to anyone is enough! But I do push myself as I’ve been in situations in the past where I’ve regretted not bothering with friends, such as when my other half was working away all hours! I’m now at home with a baby, and make myself do two baby classes a week atleast. Joys of being an introvert! Think it also helps that my other half is a real chatter box, so will be talking to me all evening as soon as he gets home 😂

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I have no interest in anything from?!

I have lots of projects and things I like to do, it's just other people I'm not interested in.

It's funny on this thread how many people have said 'you must maintain your friendships, you will need them when your children are grown' - but my question is really, what will I need them for if I'm not getting any fulfilment from the relationships?

When my children are grown I've no doubt my house will be quieter and my life less busy. Will I be looking to fill that time and space with other people? I'm just not sure.

I would be lost without my friends. They are the ones who picked me up when STBXH left suddenly. Thankfully I always kept them close - I don't know what I would have done without them. They are my chosen family.

I haven't had friends for about 6 years. I just prefer to spend my time with my immediate family - DH and DCs. We have plans for every weekend, and have our evening routines with the dcs and I don't like to disrupt it. I don't miss having friends, I don't feel thr need to be sociable like many people do, and never need to chat or confide in others. I like doing activities by myself, and find it annoying to have to adapt plans to fit in with other people's schedules. I'm an independent person (I was a single mum for 14 years) and would never seek out advice from someone, need someone for moral or practical support, or look for a shoulder to cry on. I was very content in lockdown, spending all my time with just my household.

I generally find it easy to make acquaintances and I'm confident that I'd be able to make acquaintances in future, when I get back to doing regular things like sports or creative classes once the dcs are older. But that would be for superficial small talk really, and not necessarily seeing them outside of a class. That is as much social contact as I'd ever need.

Surely everyone is different aren't they?

Some people are more than happy being on their own, some people thrive being in large friendship groups and socialising often, others are probably somewhere in the middle.

I don't think there is a one rule fits all!

I think friends come and go . As you get older your circle shrinks due to people moving away , a change in status , less in common and starting a family . Your time becomes more thinly spread plus as you age you no longer tolerate nonsense . I was once told that you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand. The true test of friendship is when a crises emerges .

I agree we all different. Have a school friend she hasnt friends. Happy doing things alone concerts etc. I have a small circle. Lesson learnt after a few toxic fallouts keep it small. We meet another couple he work with my husb. You have put effort in I think too. Im not into big girl groups its just clicks not for me.

There's friends and there's acquaintances or shallow friendships.

I've just come back from an overnighter with a close friend of many years, staying in a stone cottage and with nothing to do but go for walks, share food and enjoy each other's company. The depth of friendship we have is immeasurable. I have a couple of other deep friendships too. I have a DH and adult children whose company I enjoy and I also like doing things by myself but life would be so much poorer without my friends.

There's a saying, What you don't know, you don't miss and I think that's the case with friendships. If there's no depth to them, they're interchangeable and no wonder you don't want to put in the effort. But once you've experienced deep and close friendship, you know you've found treasure

Another saying:

Rare as is true love, rarer still is true friendship

From the fact you don't mention anything other than people. You don't say, I enjoy doing x but I'd rather do it alone/ with dh/ with dc. So yeah, most people, even one with small kids I'd expect someone to say when rationalising why they don't value socialising - what they do enjoy. Other than their husband and kids.

If you like doing everything alone aside from people who came in or out of you then you should be happy about it and be introverted. Perhaps you'll be able to make more friends later in life when you feel they have value for you. Or not.

I bet your friends can tell though that you aren't that bothered about them. So they might not miss being a chore for you. I'd definitely appreciate being cut loose from being someone's place holder mate they don't really enjoy spending time with.

It doesn’t sound like you find it sad tbf… in fact YOU sound quite gleeful in the fact you believe she deserves it and has had her comeuppance. For balance, many people who engage with friends, romantic partners, neighbours, colleagues etc also find that those relationships impact on their mental health. Alone and lonely are two very different things. your barely disclosed glee kinda makes her make sense to me.

This is so different from my world where almost everyone I know is a sociable extrovert. I'm not though.. I prefer 1 to 1 as opposed to crowds. Is your dh happy with life as it is? I have to make a huge effort to make arrangements and always have something planned with friends as my dh is the most sociable of the lot. No idea how we're together.. and I was a single mum too before I met him!

My mum would always say loud extroverts will adopt a quiet introvert, as we are happy to listen 😂 which is how I ended up with my other half and 2 best friends as very loud extroverts 😅