Expectations from step dad

[Mintfrost]

I’m divorced, have a 6 year old DC. I live with my partner. We aren’t married and it isn’t his DC, obviously. What would your expectations be from a step dad? I get up every morning, wake up DC, cook breakfast for DC, unload dishwasher, get DC dressed. I have very little time to get ready myself. He scrolls Instagram on his phone in bed until he needs to take a shit and get ready. It’s my DC but should I be demanding more? We live in my house, he doesn’t pay rent but pays half the bills. I find myself doing more and more household work, eg when sink is blocked a plunge it. He just informs we it isn’t draining. If the lightbulb on the hob is out I have to look into replacing it. I am starting to feel a bit frustrated.

He did put DC’s bedroom furniture together and painted the whole flat but that was a while ago. He does the gardening. It’s the day to day stuff that is making me frustrated. Eg if we have DC would I be landed with all the work?

I would worry if he pays you rent towards your mortgage that he would think he has a claim on your home if you split

Get him to stump up 100 percent of the cost of a cleaner instead.

The parenting issue is a red herring. The real issue here is that you've fallen into that classic trap - he moves in and HE received all the financial, emotional and practical benefit.

He pays no rent (i bet you're trying to ringfence your house soo he doesn't have a claim, right? But that's ridiculous because instead, you're paying the same rent/mortgage you've always paid while he is saving a fortune. Rather spend a bit of cash on a solicitor and get yourself protected while you agree a more fair financial split). He pays half the bills - whoopdi do. So your bills are probably MARGINALLY cheaper than they were before but not much.

Cooking and cleaning - doesn't sound like any of this has got easier for you with the possible exception of him cooking on weekends (I bet you still tidy up). Yay. (I'm being sarcastic). And he's certainly not making your life easier in temrs of taking any of the load away from you.

So what exactly do YOU get out of him moving in? He's not helping with your DC, he's not helping with any other chores and financially, you're no better off?

You would be getting very different answers if the sexes were reversed.

On MN, a stepdad is expected to do everything and support all the DCs as if they were his own. A SM however should not put herself out in any way for her DH's child and certainly not financially.

I think he does a fair bit. He's working, he does stuff in the house. He did the DIY. If you want more help, then why can't you ask him? You might be a bit optimistic expecting him to second guess you and see what needs doing without being asked.

Are you claiming benefits as a single parent as that's why he doesn't pay towards the house? Again, on MN a woman is not expected to pay towards housing costs if her DP owns the house so difficult to comment without knowing more.

No wonder so many men leave their families when they can go to another and get off with doing f all. They gain practically speak, freeing up time for them, financially, they have a live in maid to cook and clean for them most of all the week and what little they do for their step children is okay bet are seen as hero’s by society because it’s not their child. Obviously I’m generalising but it annoys me so much.

This boyfriend of yours is a waste of space, get him out and he can functional as a grown up and deal with the cost of living himself. Why is he not offering to contribute financially? Out for a free ride. He’s not even worth having as a boyfriend if he wasn’t living with you

my DC but should I be demanding more?

There is no universally valid answer, it is the sort of thing I would have wanted to set very clear expectations about before he moved it.

As it happens, I would not have moved in with anyone with DC, even ones who are independent.

Now you know what he is like, do you still want to share your house with him?

Kind of depends on what kind of responsibilities you want from him, I think if he's essentially going to coparent then it's a case of him being responsible for tasks and potentially discipline as required, goes both ways. If you prefer for him not to parent then you can't then complain he's not taking responsibility. Is dc's dad around, makes a difference

So first you need to agree responsibilities around the house - who does what and also fair contributions - i.e. is it a rented house or yours, and if say it ends in 5 years would he have a right to equity?

On your DC - If that was me I would take some responsibility - With my last GF her daughter had serious back surgery 4 months after we got together and as I was 3 miles away I popped round the odd lunchtime to make lunch, take her for a walk and make sure she was ok, it was the least I could do.

Her kids are older but did take one out for driving lesson too. So yes, yours in younger but without crossing boundaries I would treat her as my own in many ways so help out when you needed it and I wouldn't see her as your problem

I think the fact that DC isn't his is irrelevant, it's still his house so he should be taking joint responsibility for chores. Like he could get up and do dishwasher while you're making breakfast for example

You're asking the wrong question. You should be asking "expectations from a partner". I think it's fine that you do the majority of the childcare since you are his parent but why can't he do the dishwasher? The division of household chores should be shared equally.

On MN, a stepdad is expected to do everything and support all the DCs as if they were his own. A SM however should not put herself out in any way for her DH's child and certainly not financially

I think your view may be clouded by your own prejudice. Almost every comment here says he shouldn’t have to do parenting, yet if you head over to the step parenting boards, women are held to a much higher standard and are expected to mostly treat step children as their own.

'So what exactly do YOU get out of him moving in? He's not helping with your DC, he's not helping with any other chores and financially, you're no better off?'

This. What's the point of him @Mintfrost ?

Depends what he does instead of dishwasher. My ex wife did 99% of the washing, I did 99% of cooking

A lodger who doesn't pay rent!

He isn’t your child’s parents so he shouldn’t be expected to be doing any parenting. However he should 100% be paying towards your rent, why isn’t he?

But by the sounds of things he isn't doing a whole lot else. Cooks breakfast on the weekends and does some gardening.

Although he has no obligation to look after the child you'd think he would at least cover one of the morning tasks like the dishwasher to allow his partner to get ready.

If he were a lodger, he would have to pay rent to his landlord. If he had his own place, he would have to clean it. Sounds like he's sponging off of you and using the fact that it's your house and child as an excuse to do so. Why are you putting up with this?

I'm sorry to say this but he does not sound like a partner or a Dad (step or otherwise). Consider your position here and whether this is what you want for your future and that of your DC. Please do not have a child with this man, it will not change the way he is for the better.

I think it’s one of those things where if he wanted to, he would.
Normally showing your best most helpful self at the start too so unlikely to go up from here.

I was raised by a step dad from age 4. He treated me like his own. He cooked breakfast and got me ready for school, took me to school while my mum got ready, they pretty much played tag team to make it work. If my mum was at wo. rk and he was home he'd be outside doing the gardening or doing the dishes and hoovering and have our lunch for her getting home done. He did my room up and gave me anything he could afford including my driving lessons and a car, paid for trips abroad for me. I never saw him as a step dad. To me he is ky dad because he never once acted like a step dad. Parents separated after 20 years and I still see him almost everyday for another 20 years. He continued to support me even after divorce and treat me as his own.
For this reason.. your partner should change and if not then there's better men out there!

So what happens if (heaven forbid) they have a child together, he parents one child but not the other ??

If he's living as part of a family he should pitch in, this situation wouldn't work for me.

He sounds more troubled than he's worth.

He sounds like he’s living the dream. Why isn’t he paying half the rent? Why isn’t he doing half the house work?

So he doesn’t pay rent and he doesn’t do any chores? Congratulations on your new cock lodger. I hope he has a 10 inch penis and a skilled 10 inch tongue, because otherwise I can’t see what you’re getting out of this relationship.

Or maybe he is an amazing chef and you come home every night to a gourmet meal paid for and cooked by his fair hand.

Or let me guess - you do 90% of the cooking and he’ll chip in for a takeaway every other Saturday ‘as a treat’.

Well he isn’t a parent so he shouldn’t be expected to do any form of parenting, if he wants to thats different, but it should never be an expectation.

I assume he has no legal right to stay in the home, so could be made homeless with no notice? If thats the case I can understand why he doesn’t treat it as a home, but just as somewhere he is staying for a bit.

I don’t think the answers would be different at all. The OP works too, and this is a grown ass man who shouldn’t have to be told what chores to do unless he is blind and literally can’t see what needs to be done. Too many of us hold our men to incredibly low standards and it is an insult to them and to us. Scrolling on Instagram and puttering about in the garden is not the drudge work, and certainly not when he’s paying no rent. Women on MN are almost always advised to pay rent and get a proper rental contract drawn up, rather than living rent free in someone’s house. Thats common sense, not a gender issue.