Expectations from step dad

[Mintfrost]

I’m divorced, have a 6 year old DC. I live with my partner. We aren’t married and it isn’t his DC, obviously. What would your expectations be from a step dad? I get up every morning, wake up DC, cook breakfast for DC, unload dishwasher, get DC dressed. I have very little time to get ready myself. He scrolls Instagram on his phone in bed until he needs to take a shit and get ready. It’s my DC but should I be demanding more? We live in my house, he doesn’t pay rent but pays half the bills. I find myself doing more and more household work, eg when sink is blocked a plunge it. He just informs we it isn’t draining. If the lightbulb on the hob is out I have to look into replacing it. I am starting to feel a bit frustrated.

He did put DC’s bedroom furniture together and painted the whole flat but that was a while ago. He does the gardening. It’s the day to day stuff that is making me frustrated. Eg if we have DC would I be landed with all the work?

He should also be paying half the mortgage interest as that's like rent.

You need to discuss things like home maintenance admin- if he wants you to do it all, like a landlord, then he needs to pay you rent like one. Otherwise those need to be shared among all the adults in the home.

With the mornings- I would say to him
'There's something I'm finding hard and i would really appreciate your help solving this! I'm finding mornings really difficult as I don't have much time to get ready and get dams ready and on top of that there's lots of chores that need to be done like the dishwasher that slow us down more. (I notice you tend to be on your phone in bed while this is going on)'

See what he says... a nice decent caring partner would want to help in some way, whether that is taking on a chore or offering to watch the child while you shower.

I have a toddler and the man I'm going out with often says 'what can I do to help you get out the door' which is absolutely lovely on the odd morning when I do a nursery drop off and work in the office - it's definitely not 'his job' to do anything but as he cares about me he wants to help out in what's obviously a stressful pressured juggle of a time for me.

I think it's also about watching your partner being stressed and struggling while you play on your phone.

If I lived with a man with a dog I wouldn't want to start doing 6am dog walks, but if he was clearly having a busy morning I wouldn't sit there scrolling I'd help with something even if it was making his coffee or unloading dishwasher etc

The only thing that he needs to step up on from your update is housework. He doesn't care or expect a meal, and often isn't there to eat it, so can't really take over cooking during the week. Getting your child up and dressed is on you, as is getting them breakfast. You do your own laundry an and he does his own laundry, so again, there's nothing to share there. He could maybe be more involved with the practical aspects of the house, but it's your house, he doesn't own any part of it so may not believe fixing it is up to him. He already cooks at the weekend when he is there, so what division of labour is it you want during the week? Is it that you resent that he isn't involved in the parenting? Do you want him to clean up after you and your child after breakfast? If he's 50/50 on the weekend, but doesn't help with your child during the week, and that's the crux of your frustration, maybe he doesn't see the parenting of your child as something he should be involved in?

This man chose to move in to a family home with a woman who has a child. To me, this is accepting that he is becoming part of a family, and he should pull his weight in all aspects of family life, including supporting DCs needs. If he wants to be a lodger with no responsibility for a child, he needs to find a partner with no children.

His behaviour now is 100% a reflection of his future behaviour with biological DC. You can do better.

sounds like a lodger. how long have you been together and what was the discussed arrangement with your dc? i wouldn't expect him to do the child care elements but he should be doing at least half the housework...and i'd be wanting some kind of rent payment

Mostly this ^^
he should help out more around the place & pay rent, sounds more like a lodger really

Congratulations OP you’ve got yourself a freeloading cocklodger.

You know he’s taking the piss otherwise you wouldn’t have started the thread but you’re looking at the wrong angle. Its not about him being a step father - which he doesn’t sound likes he’s got any interest in being tbh - but he sounds like a pretty crap entitled partner.

I believe if you move in with a partner who has young children, you need to be ready to step up and be a proper step parent and not a room mate who basically ignores the child.

How long have you been together and how long until he moved in?

Why doesn’t he pay rent?

Are you both working FT? You said he often isn’t there for dinner so is he working additional hours?

If he’s out at work a lot and you’re home then maybe it is fair you are picking up more housework. But I’d expect that would mean he contributes more financially, which he doesn’t seem to be?

The DC is yours so those tasks are your responsibility, eg. Laundry, school run, meals etc. However in a healthy family relationship I’d expect more of an even split in all other aspects

If he’s living i your house your child won’t see the nuance of biology so I completely disagree with previous posters who say he shouldn’t have any parenting responsibilities.

the fact that he is the male adult in your household, your child will learn from him his own role as a father or step parent. When you move in with a woman who has children from a previous relationship you are making a commitment to be there for both, this ‘mumsnet’ idea of step parents being devoid of any relationship or responsibilities to step children is completely bizarre.

if you would want your own son to treat his future and partner children in this way then carry on. If not, ask him to change or move out.

If a partnership isn't mutually beneficial then it's not worth having, so often the benefits are only flowing in the man's direction and the woman is worse off.

There is a certain type of man who feels that tolerating another man's child is a huge favour to the woman and they don't need to do anything else.
I have seen men who specifically target women who have existing children because they know it makes it easier to control the woman. They do this by maintaining a very subtle but constant threat of 'if you don't obey me I won't be nice to your child', there is always a feeling that you have to be grateful that they are kind to your child.

the fact that he is the male adult in your household, your child will learn from him his own role as a father or step parent. When you move in with a woman who has children from a previous relationship you are making a commitment to be there for both, this ‘mumsnet’ idea of step parents being devoid of any relationship or responsibilities to step children is completely bizarre.

100 agree. Its a big decision to commit to someone with a young child and if you don’t feel you’re ready to step up and be involved in their life as a role model, then stay away.

I don’t think we have enough information to say either way for sure. Like how long have they been together/lived together etc. The situation sounds far from ideal, and I’d want someone to contribute more to the household regardless of DC.

But the child is hers, if they break up the partner would possibly never see the child again. Maybe he just doesn’t view it as seriously as she does.

Tbh it’s not great that the OP didn’t discuss and set expectations of their partnership before asking him to move in and become step dad to her child. I don’t think there is sole responsibility on the partner here. Some better due diligence in selecting a step dad for your child is the parents responsibility

Hmm. He didn’t choose to have a child, she did. So it’s up to the OP to establish her expectations relating to the child before moving him into her family home

My husbands been my sons stepdad for 25 years and thinks of him as his dad and likewise

we don’t have any kids together
and my husband has 2 other kids who are also grown up They are all in their 30s now

He has always spent plenty of time with him
doing everything a father should do with a child growing up .

when he was a kid he taught him how to ride a bike and how to box properly he would often take him to rugby practice and sports stuff

he gave him driving lessons when he was learning to drive he has always been very very close to him

I would say in some ways closer to him than me at times

When my son bought his first house this year my DH went up and painted the whole house with my sons partner He was very excited for him -

He will go and wait for big delivery’s for him if they are at work and they speak regularly on the phone to each other

He will always do stuff around the house when needed cleaning decorating cooking and always has done this

Your partner seems like a freeloader

The only stepfather I knew, moved in with his partner and her kids (6, and 8) and cared for them like a parent. He refers to them as his children in conversation, and he now has grandkids. I should add that their biological father was, and is in the picture, and also has a good relationship with the (now grown) children.

My friend married a man with young children. Same story. Lovely relationship with the (now grown) men. They are both wonderful caring people and are the benchmark for any stepparent I’d choose for my children. Neither replaced the biological parent, but they absolutely loved and parented their stepchildren.

Absolute rubbish. If a step mum isn't treating the step kid the same as her own she gets slated. Quite rightly.

Sounds like you have one DC and one MC (that's man child). Yes I would be expecting more from him. You're his partner not his landlady and caretaker!

My DH is stepdad to my (our) daughters. He treats them as his own. He shares the ferrying them about to clubs, he cooks, he irons their school uniforms, he helps them with homework, he plans holidays. We have an equal partnership. I am grateful that he is like this but he always say “what else would I want to be doing”.

It sounds like your Dp is more like a boyfriend than actually a partner. He isn’t integrating himself into family life. He should step up and help if he seeing you struggling and want to get to know your DC better and have a relationship with her. Even if it’s like a fun uncle one ect, he doesn’t have to be fitting over night into role of step dad as may not be natural for him as he doesn’t have his own kids or that empathy.
I would be worried to consider having DC with him if he doesn’t make an effort with your child in case when you do, Your child is treated differently to the child you’ve had together , like an outsider.

He's not a stepdad. He's just your boyfriend. Does he even want to take on a parenting role? It doesn't sound like it from what you've said here. You both should have discussed expectations before he moved in. You can't "demand" anything from him. You need to discuss what you want/need and what he wants/needs, then if they don't match he needs to move out.

This!

He clearly isn’t the guy to volunteer which begs the question, why haven’t you articulated your expectations?

Before you talk to him you first need to have a word with yourself. What do you really want? Do you really have parenting expectations of him or do you just want an occasional break from the parenting drudge?

I’m guessing he doesn’t pay rent because you don’t want him making a claim on your house but you appear to want a co-parent. How invested are you in this relationship?

You need to be very clear with both this man and your son what role he will play in your son’s life.

Big girl pants time.

Boyfriend? This man doesn't even rise to the level of boyfriend! If the sex is good he might perhaps qualify as a cock lodger but going by the op's description of him I expect sex is something which is also all about what he needs and wants. . . in other words he's not providing anything, he's just taking.
You're being a mug op, please stop letting him walk all over you.

Woooooaaah assumptions!

Why is he a man child?

according to the OP, he does his own laundry, cooks at weekends and doesn’t expect dinner during the week?
sounds more like a lodger

The OP says he pays 1/2 the bills, does his own laundry, cooks at the weekends and often doesn’t eat dinner or sorts himself some thing out.

The OP is certainly financially better off with him there than not.