Expectations from step dad

[Mintfrost]

I’m divorced, have a 6 year old DC. I live with my partner. We aren’t married and it isn’t his DC, obviously. What would your expectations be from a step dad? I get up every morning, wake up DC, cook breakfast for DC, unload dishwasher, get DC dressed. I have very little time to get ready myself. He scrolls Instagram on his phone in bed until he needs to take a shit and get ready. It’s my DC but should I be demanding more? We live in my house, he doesn’t pay rent but pays half the bills. I find myself doing more and more household work, eg when sink is blocked a plunge it. He just informs we it isn’t draining. If the lightbulb on the hob is out I have to look into replacing it. I am starting to feel a bit frustrated.

He did put DC’s bedroom furniture together and painted the whole flat but that was a while ago. He does the gardening. It’s the day to day stuff that is making me frustrated. Eg if we have DC would I be landed with all the work?

Is he interested in being a stepdad? Does he make any effort with child? Or is he just there

Sounds like he is living a good life! He's a lodger and doesn't pay rent! I'd ask him to pay half the rent, bills and food. If he can do the gardening, then you cover the laundry. He needs to do half the chores e.g. cleaning. Why doesn't he want to help you with the child?! It's never going to work is it? He's not interacting or helping out. It's like, you're his mum! Eww.

Jeez. I obviously got very lucky with my OH then!
he should 100% be doing parenting as well. If you are living together as a family… you can not choose to be with a parent and not embrace the child too.

my OH is 15 years older than me. He has grown children and one 10yr old that he has full custody of but he embraces my children like his own and does anything he can for them and has done from day dot. The same with me and “his” daughter! He said to me when I raised the concern that he was done all the child rearing stage at his age when I had three kids under 7. He explicitly told me my kids come with me and he will treat them as his own without stepping on their dad toes.

he should be doing chores, helping with kids and bills. It sounds like you are living seperate lifestyles.

but to be fair to him maybe he doesn’t feel like he can help as you haven’t asked him? Or doesn’t know he can? Maybe he feels like you’d stop him as you seem very particular about laundry? Is it you making him feel like he can’t? Have you asked him to help? Or do something with or for your DC?

if you have and he stil refusing then reevaluate things

He's not a stepdad. He's just your boyfriend. Does he even want to take on a parenting role? It doesn't sound like it from what you've said here. You both should have discussed expectations before he moved in. You can't "demand" anything from him. You need to discuss what you want/need and what he wants/needs, then if they don't match he needs to move out.

This. Perfectly put. X

He should definitely be doing more by the sounds of it but why are you ‘cooking’ your 6 year old breakfast every morning and then getting them dressed? Can’t they pour themselves some cereal and get their own clothes on? Apart from us supervising teeth brushing, my 7 year old has been pretty self sufficient on a morning since starting school, my step son was the same🤷‍♂️

Why on earth isn’t he paying you rent?

He’s chosen to be partner to someone with a child though and to live with the child. I bet he enjoys the ‘benefits’ of the child - he probably gets on okay, chats to him, enjoys being there with him, when it suits, will hang out/play/take to park etc with partner… he just doesn’t do anything helpful on the ‘chore’ part of bring a parent. I personally find it easier to parent on my own (and get help when I need it) than with a deadbeat dad/step-dad.

He has chosen to be partner to someone with a house. He is taking all the benefits of living the house, for free. I personally find it easier to run a house (and get help when I need it) without a deadbeat partner.

He is not their step dad. He us a random bloke sponging off you and acting like a teenager. He needs to work a lot harder than that to earn the role of step dad.
Speaking as someone who is married to a man who had an absolutely wonderful stepdad.

laundry seem fair
he cooks at weekends you cook in the week he isn’t there most of the time and do expect a meal so I’d say that’s fair
pays 1/2 the bills again fair

rent free going against the grain but it doesn’t cost you anything personal I think it make it messy and there could be implications of taking a contribution towards your house
I’d sooner take nothing and have the peace of mind knowing that the have no financial stake in my house

you need to get housework divided up 50/50

your kid your responsibility

Yes half the housework but no he just someone you live with, your child your responsibility on that part

@Mintfrost
The OP has long gone.

Sounds like he does some stuff but not an equal share. But it also sounds like you just do stuff and he doesn't ask you to, but you won't ask him to do things. Which lots of women on mumsnet will say you shouldn't have to, which to a certain extent I do agree with, but no one is perfect and I'm wondering if he just doesn't have a clue what it takes to run a home. If hes otherwise a good partner, I'd sit him down and work out a rota for the jobs.

Oh Christ not that tired old trope AGAIN. Maybe spend some time on the step-parenting boards and you'll see that all the stepmums subsidize the step kids in some way or other. Haven't seen a single example of a step-mum paying a smaller mortgage contribution because without the DSC they'd only need a much smaller house. Same for utilities, food bills etc. Often indirectly the dad's maintenance payments as well, insofar as they don't tend to come out of his personal spending but are deducted before reconciling household finances.

Cocklodger.

Not a partner. I'd end the relationship and chuck him out. He's paying no rent and seems to act like you are his mother. He's happy to let you do all the household tasks (cos it's your house) and all the childcare (cos it's your child).

Get rid.

hi Op, I actually understand you not asking DP for rent if it’s your house but he should be contributing to your life. By way of comparison I have the same situation but DP who is step dad to 2 kids cooks for them, washes their clothes and drives them around all the time because we are a family.

Other posters have rightfully pointed out the unfairness and cocklodgery of this scenario. But you’ve moved a man in who seems to have no interest in being a family with your child.

When me & my now husband got together I had a 2 yr old, when we moved in together it was because we’d made the decision to be a family. He wanted to become a part of our family unit & became step dad (we’ve now been together 20 yrs & my son chose to call him dad after about 10 yrs). To begin with he helped with things like making breakfast, packed lunches, doing to school run, coming to football etc. He was actively a step dad but didn’t do too much of the discipline that was down to me but as time went on he became more active in that aspect too taking the lead from me. It wasn’t ever me & my child then my husband, we were a family unit. If my husband didn’t want to be an active step dad to my son I don’t think I would have ever married him & likely would have separated instead

Never mind that he isn't taking an active interest in your DS abs his life, he's not interested in you or your welfare either. If he was he wouldn't be lying in bed whilst you ran yourself ragged everyday

I cant believe all the comments saying hes not the dad so no he does not have to parent. Is that really how people see it. If you move in with a partner who has children then you take on the children as well. How can anyone live with a child and not treat them as their own, people
seem to have low expectations

Its not about being step dad it's about being your oartner. You shouldnt need to be 'demanding anything.

Not everyone is looking for another parent for their child. And not everyone wants to be a parent to someone else's child. Especially if the child has both parents still active in their lives. Plus, what the child wants matters too. These things have to be mutually agreed on.

Well he sounds like a total delight. It’s nothing to do with the DC really more that you share a life together and he doesn’t do any housework, meals etc - which is clearly not ok.

I don’t understand why people don’t have conversations about this kind of thing before they move in together, but you are where you are.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to him about your concerns, drawing up a list together, a rota if you will, of what each person has to do in a day and a week. If he doesn’t like it then I suggest you think about sharing your life with someone who is a little bit More up to the job.

I don’t think demanding anything is a good approach in any situation.

The household tasks he should be helping with as he lives there too. But the getting your child ready etc. I think should be on you unless he wants to get more involved with helping with your child but I don’t think there should be any expectation on him.

This is what a family should be like 👍🏻