I can't get over the affair

[SailboatSundays]

I hope people can please tell me what to do.

In the early years of our relationship my DP had an affair and although he is the perfect partner now, or at least the one I always hoped I would have, I was never able to get over it.

I still feel astonishing pain and trauma surrounding it, and it impacted me in many ways. Physically, financially, mentally. I am not the same person and it genuinely haunts me.

I reached a point after five years that I think maybe I am just not capable of "getting over it", or finding a way to understand it. Maybe some people can, but maybe not me.

There isn't a day where I don't picture some of what happened, and it is as fresh as the day it occurred in my mind. I just can't understand, still, why he did it or how he could do it.

While he was there for the first couple of years for all the tears and anger, there comes a point where you can't keep on like that. So he got busy building the life he knew I had wanted, the life we'd planned before the affair, and he did everything he could to make us happy.

Meanwhile I just started crying in the toilet or when he was at work. I stopped looking after myself. I got fat. I stopped wearing pretty clothes. We don't have sex anymore when we used to be at it like rabbits.

He has been asking me if I still love him and why he doesn't make me happy. He says he can't be happy if I am not happy and keeps asking what I need to be so, but I feel like his affair killed that ability in me and for some weird reason I feel guilty for that like I am overreacting and someone else would be able to move on and upwards.

I am not trying to punish him. I just cannot fix my broken heart. I don't know how to fix it. I am aware I probably sound pathetic right now, but I am being honest.

I have tried many times to give him an out. I said today that maybe he would be better off leaving because I wasn't going to feel better and I thought I would be better on my own because he was a reminder of the pain. And he got into a panic and had to leave work when his job is not the kind of job you can just leave, and now I just feel guilty for bringing it up because he is in a real state.

He says he can't be happy without me, and that there is no life where he could ever be happy that didn't include me but all I keep thinking when he says that, is that he didn't feel that way before when he risked everything to get sex and affection off someone else.

I love him very much still. He's the love of my life is such a thing exists. I am not like this 24/7 and in the good times he makes me laugh so much, he is so kind, he is my best friend, he is brilliant really. So why can't I let this go?

I feel like leaving would be the kindest thing to us both. For me, because I could just go off and grieve without needing to pretend to be all right. Or to see myself unravel in front of him and feel even smaller than I do already. And for him so he could go off and have a nice life instead of paying penance forever.

He says that there is no possible version of life where he could be happy without me or grow old without me, and that we just have to fix it, and he wants me to speak to the GP or sort out some counselling. He said he would never give up and never stop trying because he loves me and can't do life without me.

I am really not sure what to think or do.

When I break it down, and remember some of the terrible things he did to me, it isn't about being unable to forgive; it's about being completely unable to live with it. I just don't know how to accept it or make peace with it.

I don't want to be sad and in pain for the rest of my life. What is wrong with me?

Thanks for the replies and sorry for the absence. I was reading but didn't have the will to reply yesterday.

I think I figured out for myself why I am in so much pain after so long. Partly from reading it all and partly from talking to him.

It isn't the affair, or even the awful behavior afterwards necessarily. I think I could have gotten over that with time and (as he says) unconditional love and work. I think it is that I don't believe he's ever actually been fully honest with me.

That doesn't mean I think I don't know every detail about what actually happened, I think I do because to be honest I went through the whole thing like fucking Agatha Christie. It just means I don't think I have had the full confession.

He admits the terrible things he did, he admits it was completely his fault, he admits everything that happened. He just still minimises it in terms of his intent. Not in terms of minimising the atrocity of it, but in minimising the meaning of it.

Such as, after all these years he's still unwilling to admit he wanted the affair at all. He continues to claim he just wanted a friend and things ran away with him.

To me, that isn't being honest with either of us. His affair required dozens of micro decisions to occur before it could have happened, and he made those for a reason. But because he denies it he has never been able to properly explain it.

Yes, he has managed to go through his own flaws, past abuse, personal weaknesses and each poor decision and say "I should never have done that" but he is unable to admit that his intentions were to shag someone else.

I don't know if he is too scared to tell me the truth, or if he genuinely doesn't know it, but I don't feel able to heal unless he's able to tell me the full truth. But the start of the affair is less worse than his behavior after it, so if I can't even get a complete confession for the less bad bit I can't ever hope to make peace with the very worst.

To heal from the worst I feel like I need him to say essentially "yes, when I went round her house that day I knew full well it was to fuck her, but I wanted to, and didn't care about you very much that day".

It would hurt, but it would at least be the truth, and then I might be able to believe the other truths. Does that make sense?

I tried to talk to him about this last night. He was on his way to the gym and I texted and said I wanted to talk and he was characteristically lovely about it and basically dropped the gym, came home and sat there patiently for hours with it.

He was telling me repeatedly that he loved me and he was so sorry he hurt me.

He was asking me hot he could help me feel better.

He was willing to talk, despite being exhausted.

So that's what he's like - loving, kind, supportive. But when I actually asked the questions, the answers were, as usual, mostly simply not believable. I get a lot of obviously untrue answers or "I don't remembers" or going off on a tangent. .

So I told him to forget it, and he suggested we go for couples counselling so we can go over it all from start to finish again with someone helping us to communicate. He said he was trying very hard to explain everything to me but that he just hadn't analysed it that much and found articulation hard for things he was thinking on a particular day six years ago.

I just really don't believe him, and never have.

So, when he was asleep last night I left. No big drama with suitcases or anything but I just grabbed my keys and went to a hotel.

I can't work out really what to do from here but I feel very mixed up and know I can't continue like this.

He's can't be honest. He wants to minimise his actual involvement and distance himself from his actions. People usually tend to tell their truth in a way that makes them look as good as possible.

When you talk about micro decisions that resonate with me. In order to cheat he had to do some many small acts. If you go through the steps it actually takes to cheat there are so many. In each an everyone he prioritised his needs, for sex/ to be wanted/ to feel understood/ whatever above you, your relationship, honesty, loyalty.

I have said it before but I think his language and his approach is very manipulative.

OP, you will never get the whole truth. Ever. He is a manipulative liar to his bones.

You're in the bargaining stage of grief (and yes, it is grief) where you desperately think 'if only I knew this or that, then it would make sense, and I would start to feel better'.

I urge you to get a copy of Chump lady's book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. It will explain a lot. UnMN hugs for you.

The truth will set us free, Sailboat. You are right in your decision. He needs to properly admit to everything and take responsibility by not minimising and avoiding. Until he does he’s not going to be a good partner for a relationship with anyone. Take care of yourself, now. You have done the right thing.

His actions tell you the truth - hearing it won’t make it make any more sense because it’s irreconcilable.

good for getting away for some space. It feels wrong to me. Like he’s getting some weird power trip over being so ‘nice’ and ‘understanding’.

He is also, in a weird way, still getting to be the centre of attention. And he gets to look all calm and rational whilst you’re tying yourself in knots. It feels so wrong.

This man loves having you wrapped around his finger, and especially loves being the ringmaster of his selfmade drama. It really is all about him. He loves all of this. I really hope you can see this.

There is something really off about his willingness to patiently talk about this year after year and his suggestions about counselling. I’m beginning to wonder if he actually enjoys your pain.

He is continuing to be deceptive and is being controlling by withholding information that you’re asking for. I hope you now realise that despite his assertions that he wants you to heal, he is actively preventing that by lying and minimising.

I think this man is enjoying hearing about your pain and trauma. He is enjoying the fact your energy is on him and not yourself.

I think you might have felt that he holds the key to your healing, that if maybe he gives you the missing part of the puzzle you can move on. My own experience is that healing comes when you accept you can’t accept it and see them for who they truly are.

Reading this is like reading about my own feelings, I completely relate to you! A year ago this month my partner of 5 years had a one night stand with my ex friend whom I very strongly disliked (even more so now!) and he KNEW the things she had done to me and still slept with her behind my back! He was a live in manager of a pub at the time and while we were trying to work things out he started behaving oddly, cancelling with me constantly, accidentally sending me texts that weren't for me but were excuses as for a friend.... then he picked a ridiculous fight and ended things. I found out he had moved her into the pub (different room) and although he swears nothing else happened he did all this and spent time with her knowing how badly I was hurt! She ended up nearly destroying him and his entire life before she was evicted however I have uncovered that he had lied to me about lots of things I'd asked like had he seen her since she moved out etc anyway lots of BS lots of lies and hiding, and I feel exactly the same I CANNOT move on from it

I found out he had moved her into the pub (different room) and although he swears nothing else happened he did all this and spent time with her knowing how badly I was hurt! She ended up nearly destroying him and his entire life before she was evicted however I have uncovered that he had lied to me about lots of things I'd asked like had he seen her since she moved out etc anyway lots of BS lots of lies and hiding, and I feel exactly the same I CANNOT move on from it

Surely he’s your ex now? @chuckyegg85i’m assuming so but if not please consider going to therapy to investigate why you’d put up with any of this.

Of all the women he picked to cheat on - and any would’ve been bad enough - he picked someone you had issues with. That is very twisted & cruel.

And btw sounds like he destroyed his own life by his foolish selfish and downright cruel actions. The only decent thing he did out of what you listed was having the sense to end what sounds like toxic chaos. Hopefully you stayed apart and you can seek healing separately.

She ended up nearly destroying him and his entire life before she was evicted

He's low quality, he is attracted (not just physically, in every way) to even lower quality people........ So why are you with him?

You are presumably not low quality so why throw your lot in with a Jeremy Kyle contestant??

had a one night stand with my ex friend

while we were trying to work things out he started behaving oddly, cancelling with me constantly, accidentally sending me texts that weren't for me but were excuses as for a friend.... then he picked a ridiculous fight and ended things. I found out he had moved her into the pub (different room) and although he swears nothing else happened

I don't think he had a one night stand.

I CANNOT move on from it

Like the Op, that is because you should not move on from it (while staying with them).

Nearly every time a poster posts on here about their h/p's horrendous behaviour, while they're stuck with his young kids, they drip feed stuff like this "in the early days, he cheated ..but we got through it". They got through nothing, and he's still the same guy who she then commited to, invested in, and brought kids into the world with; and now she's in waaay worse shit.

They showed them who they were, but they stayed and threw their lot in with him.

As the excellent chump lady pointed out; if you went into business with someone who you found out at some point lied, cheated, embezzled, acted in a fundamentally dishonest and lacking integrity way; would you end your business agreement with them, or would you invest even more with them??

What would you think of someone who invested even more with someone who'd shown themselves to be untrustworthy, dishonest, flaky, lacking morals, risk taking, uninvested themselves (actions speak louder than words), duplicitous etc. Clever? Wise?

Take your feelings out of it. Oxytocin is just a chemical. You can and will develop feelings for someone else.

This ^.

I am sorry that this happened to you OP.

Hey OP
I haven’t had chance to read the full thread every post but have read quite a lot but just wanted to add 2 pennies as a reconciled partner and someone who has a close relative reconcile

I suppose the details are not important but just to give you an idea of our situations
I found out about a long dead affair that happened a few years after we got together. Since then we have had a DS and bought a house
My relative found out about a variety of cheating spanning years… long marriage, 2 kids grown up and nest empty when it all came out. We both have happy relationships even though the pasts have some dark clouds in spots.

Both our partners trickled truthed us though at first and it sounds like this is what your partner has done. Through individual and couple counselling I became to understand why my partner TT’d me. It wasn’t to manipulate me horribly on purpose (felt like it though!) he was scared and going about it the worst way. My relative’s husband was the same.

It wasn’t until we issues ultimatums that things changed. My relative was many years before I found out. She shared her story with me to help support me.
She didn’t do counselling, she was more old school and read lots of self help books! I did, both on my own and with my partner. Partner did his own sessions too. I also used message boards sometimes but found it hard because the people who had reconciliation going well didn’t post much, they drift off. I also preferred boards where reconciliation was the focus as general sites could be quite hostile and I understand why, emotions are so high and people are traumatised. Some old reconcilers would come back every few months but the people who stuck around were in the thick of it
Same with my communications with my relative - our texts after I found out were all about infidelity
Now they are sharing pics of family life and general little updates.

With the trickle truth etc and your feelings it feels like you are still in those first throws of emotion even though years have passed. It’s good to hear you have got yourself some space, that takes strength!!!

I’m not a counsellor so I can’t say for certain why things are so hard…but a good counsellor will let you explore your feelings in a safe place. A good counsellor in my experience shouldn’t force you into one course of action or another, they should let you weight it all up.

Perhaps there is a communication issue somewhere, because your partner’s big gestures about love don’t trigger the response they would do in many couples without the betrayal dynamic. I decided the negative qualities and actions of my partner didn’t obliterate all the good he has.

I don’t know if I’m allowed to mention it but I didn’t like the surviving infidelity site much but they had a really useful section called Ask a Wayward and it might help you understand about your partners ‘I can’t remembers’ and if that is likely. The wayward on there are very articulate and reformed.
I asked a lot of questions of my partner but I also made the decision that I didn’t need to know everything. Others are different and it sounds like you are that type OP.

I hope you two can have a really honest conversation together. Best wishes SailBoatSunday with whatever you choose x

i agree with this!

Hi OP. I followed your thread at the time, and have been thinking about you after dealing with something similar. How are doing ❤️

I hope you are ok OP. I know exactly how you feel/felt - the difference in my situation was that the OW was a prostitute. I was affected so badly I was diagnosed with PTSD and prescribed antidepressants. I was unable to move on until he moved out of the home and out of my life. Much happier now!

I think you have PTSD.

But also, sadly, too much damage was done and you're right, you were ultimately not one of the people who can make peace with an affair. Which is perfectly understandable.