I can't get over the affair

[SailboatSundays]

I hope people can please tell me what to do.

In the early years of our relationship my DP had an affair and although he is the perfect partner now, or at least the one I always hoped I would have, I was never able to get over it.

I still feel astonishing pain and trauma surrounding it, and it impacted me in many ways. Physically, financially, mentally. I am not the same person and it genuinely haunts me.

I reached a point after five years that I think maybe I am just not capable of "getting over it", or finding a way to understand it. Maybe some people can, but maybe not me.

There isn't a day where I don't picture some of what happened, and it is as fresh as the day it occurred in my mind. I just can't understand, still, why he did it or how he could do it.

While he was there for the first couple of years for all the tears and anger, there comes a point where you can't keep on like that. So he got busy building the life he knew I had wanted, the life we'd planned before the affair, and he did everything he could to make us happy.

Meanwhile I just started crying in the toilet or when he was at work. I stopped looking after myself. I got fat. I stopped wearing pretty clothes. We don't have sex anymore when we used to be at it like rabbits.

He has been asking me if I still love him and why he doesn't make me happy. He says he can't be happy if I am not happy and keeps asking what I need to be so, but I feel like his affair killed that ability in me and for some weird reason I feel guilty for that like I am overreacting and someone else would be able to move on and upwards.

I am not trying to punish him. I just cannot fix my broken heart. I don't know how to fix it. I am aware I probably sound pathetic right now, but I am being honest.

I have tried many times to give him an out. I said today that maybe he would be better off leaving because I wasn't going to feel better and I thought I would be better on my own because he was a reminder of the pain. And he got into a panic and had to leave work when his job is not the kind of job you can just leave, and now I just feel guilty for bringing it up because he is in a real state.

He says he can't be happy without me, and that there is no life where he could ever be happy that didn't include me but all I keep thinking when he says that, is that he didn't feel that way before when he risked everything to get sex and affection off someone else.

I love him very much still. He's the love of my life is such a thing exists. I am not like this 24/7 and in the good times he makes me laugh so much, he is so kind, he is my best friend, he is brilliant really. So why can't I let this go?

I feel like leaving would be the kindest thing to us both. For me, because I could just go off and grieve without needing to pretend to be all right. Or to see myself unravel in front of him and feel even smaller than I do already. And for him so he could go off and have a nice life instead of paying penance forever.

He says that there is no possible version of life where he could be happy without me or grow old without me, and that we just have to fix it, and he wants me to speak to the GP or sort out some counselling. He said he would never give up and never stop trying because he loves me and can't do life without me.

I am really not sure what to think or do.

When I break it down, and remember some of the terrible things he did to me, it isn't about being unable to forgive; it's about being completely unable to live with it. I just don't know how to accept it or make peace with it.

I don't want to be sad and in pain for the rest of my life. What is wrong with me?

How long did the affair go on for if you don't mind me asking.

To me personally, the "I love you so much and can't be happy without you" and the affair don't go together well.

Deeply loving someone and continously doing something that you know is going to break that person's heart can't go hand in hand in my opinion...

@Mensuckbigtime
Four months.
I agree with you completely. For me it is, or should be, impossible to do that if you love someone. That's why I was never able to get over it.

My STBXH had an affair and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I guess at the end of the day , it doesn't "really" matter, if he really loves you, how sorry he is, how brilliant he is.

The fact is that you seem truly unhappy.

And yes, you love him... but you need to love yourself more!

You need to take care of yourself, people who have affairs take a way so much agency from their betrayed partner.

But you have the agency to leave him and start your journey of healing (if you are not "bound" by children, than hopefully this will be "easier ")

Good luck to you

In my experience it is the betrayal of ourselves, the pick me dance, that cause the trauma.

That makes sense :(

I’ve just read your last couple of posts. Go onto that website I mention. Sadly (as your reaction is very common and cheating shitbags are ten a penny) You won’t feel lonely anymore.

You say you feel sick inside due to allowing him to flit between the two of you. Reframe that. Your reaction is normal. You did what you did when you were faced with a really traumatic event. There is no shame in doing what most people would do. Your reaction was pretty standard. You trusted. You hoped. You believed. That sounds like three really good qualities. He took advantage of your trust and belief. Shame on him.

This is not your shame to carry. Have you read Brene Brown? Or watched her TED talk on you tube?

Your partner is right, this had nothing to do with you. It’s why unmet needs theory is bollocks - you cannot I still loyalty or integrity in another human by loving them, cooking for them or shagging them. It’s impossible. It’s a choice to stay faithful and I am faithful for me.

I think it's also the being blamed for everything, the smearing of ones character by the cheating partner to justify their actions that causes so much trauma too.

I literally felt like I was the worst human being after my STBXH was done listing all my failures/wrong doings/character flaws...

Luckily my friends were there to set my head (and heart) straight

I truly think some people just can't get over it. For me it is the ultimate betrayal and I couldn't forgive a conscious choice that he knew would hurt me. I am a person who can hold grudges for a long time so it makes sense I couldn't get over infidelity.

At the heart of it, I couldn't forgive myself for forgiving him. It felt like I had betrayed myself and all my ideas about love. Leaving him wasn't about punishment, it was about loving myself.

I think that some of us are able to move forward and forgive affairs - with a huge amount of work. Some are not and call time on a relationship immediately. And others of us - like me- try for many years, but the damage caused was simply too great. You can drop a plate, glue it back together again and it might look almost the same - but it will never be the same shiny whole plate. It’s structurally different. The damage can’t be undone.

sorry for the clunky metaphor - I really do understand. I’m separating from ‘d’ p. Just can’t do it anymore. I might have forgiven but I can’t forget. And I’m 52 and still have time to find happiness and genuine love, not from someone that was wavering between choosing between myself and another. If you love someone there wouldn’t be a decision to make - the choice is clear.

You deserve better, and I hope that in time you realise this and you find true happiness. I don’t think it sounds like it’s with your partner, not if you’ve tried the therapy and it hasn’t worked. 🌺

I am really sorry this happened to you :(

Have you posted this before op?

Thank you Fairy. Although I think you are being kind and 90% of people would have said "fuck right off" (which is what I would have told you I would have said). But then it wasn't so black and white when I was in it.

Because the thing is I DID say fuck right off. Lots of times. But never stuck with it truly. There was always plausible deniability in my head for it. I would make excuses for it so I didn't have to accept the unbearable reality which was - with hindsight - that he formed a close emotional bond with another woman that he found it difficult to end.

It was too hard for me at the time it admit that, and he made it easy by denying it. It felt too hard at the time to swallow what was obvious.

No. Not me

Being drip fed won't have helped, it keeps you in suspense, finding out a bit more and a bit more, you think you have everything, oh no, a bit more.
The level of betrayal you're describing is intense too, it's completely understandable you're struggling to reconcile how he can have kept on with the affair when he could see the pain it was causing you at the same time. I hope at least you're finding some reassurance in that you're not abnormal for feeling the way you do, and hopefully our posts will help you clarify where the issues are that need healing and help solidify the positive points in your relationship.

What made him cheat was his issue's, we are responsible for our own choices, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it, only he could have prevented it, it sounds like you don't fully realise that, I'm glad he does though.

It sounds like a significant place you need healing is in forgiving yourself for your initial reaction and doing the 'pick me' dance, you were doing your best with what you knew at the time, both the information you had and the coping behaviours you've developed over the years.

You said this very perfectly, which is how I feel :(

Thank you @CactusPeach , yes it is helping a lot.

I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I think that is part of the trauma though in a way. I wished so many times that someone had given me some choice but no one does in affairs do they.

It sounds like a significant place you need healing is in forgiving yourself for your initial reaction and doing the 'pick me' dance, you were doing your best with what you knew at the time, both the information you had and the coping behaviours you've developed over the years.

Maybe that turns out to be very true.

Maybe the real reason I want to leave him is because I don't feel like I ever fully left the pick me dance.

Maybe that sounds mad as I honestly don't think he gives a crap about this woman, but in myself I feel like I spent so long trying to do that dance despite her being long gone.

As if I could repair something by being good enough in a way I wasn't before or something.

Maybe leaving ends the dance for me.

You need to give yourself the permission to leave. You have tried and given it your best shot. But you are not happy, and you won't become happy under this situation.

There's nothing to salvage here. Plus, the stress is a factor in you putting on unwanted weight. Time to leave for your physical and mental health!

Don't worry what he says. You can't fix this for him. This is your time now.

Go and look at the Chump Lady website for a completely different (and healthier?) perspective. If what you want is peace of mind, few people manage that in a relationship with someone who cheated on them. And that's the fault of the cheater, not the poor sod tying themselves in knots to understand/excuse/forgive blah blah.

OP, sometimes our body and mind react on a subconscious level when we are acting against our truest selves. By staying with someone who broke you apart, you are acting against yourself and you will not be able to feel better - your feelings are your body’s way of telling you something is wrong.

In Buddhism there is a story of a man being hit by a poisoned arrow. The poison is killing him. He can heal only by removing the poisoned arrow. He cannot heal by knowing ‘why’ the person who shot the arrow did what he did - the why doesn’t matter, what matters is that the man is dying and the only way he can live is to remove the poisoned arrow.

I use this analogy quite often with people who are trying to find reasons why someone hurt them - it doesn’t matter why they hurt you - it matters that you heal.

I truly think some people just can't get over it. For me it is the ultimate betrayal and I couldn't forgive a conscious choice that he knew would hurt me. I am a person who can hold grudges for a long time so it makes sense I couldn't get over infidelity.

yes and it sounds as if he didn’t choose @SailboatSundays immediately when it came out which is so sad. The fact he was willing to hurt & humiliate her further by dragging it out is very telling.

Surely he must have seen how it made you feel?

OP, if you had treated him like you have been treated do you really think he would’ve stuck around?

Maybe you've needed to try and see if reconciliation could work, so that you feel.like you've tried to salvage the relationship with a man you say you really love.

And you have tried, for 5 years, and you are deeply unhappy.

It's time to grieve that your relationship is over. It will be hard maybe, but it can't be worse that it is now.

At least you're taking back control

You have been gaslighting yourself for five years and you're a fucking shell of yourself. This is not what love is. You've stayed in that relationship for him, the last person who deserves it, and now he's manipulating you to stay and continue to be miserable, for him. When he is the one who caused all of this.

I wish you would leave tonight, right now. Tell him the dance is over and from now on, you are choosing you. Stop this self-torture already. Enough is enough.

Amen to that!!!

I think this is not even really fully stating it. If he had not chosen me immediately, I would have left. I would have been out the door in 30 seconds flat.

What he did was a mindfuck of epic scale where I was persuaded he had chosen me when I don't think he really had.

When he confessed it to me, he chose me immediately. No hesitation. He came to me and said he had done a terrible thing and that he had realised he loved me and needed to make it right, that he didn't expect me to stay but that he could not lie to me anymore.

And I completely believed him.

He ended the affair exactly as I asked, I was able to witness it (at my request) and he told the other woman, pretty forcefully, "I love Sunday and I am sorry I hurt you, but it is Sunday I want and love and I cannot see you again".

He could not have been more clear about what he wanted.

But he then did not follow through.

Eg: When she emailed, he made excuses not to block her ("she can always just change her email address so what's the point?") When she showed up crying he would tell me he "owed it to her" to meet her and give her "closure" and sort of manipulate me into accepting it and so on.

All the while she was begging and pleading and persuading him she loved him and I didn't and what they had was special and I was nothing, and he basically just let that happen. I think on some level he enjoyed it.

And I just kept saying "why are you doing this? you are causing me so much damage, please stop or I will leave you". But it took months for him to stop.

That's the part I really can't cope with, because he was too weak to protect me and do the right thing. And I was too weak to protect me either.

He says that there is no possible version of life where he could be happy without me or grow old without me

That's a lot of melodrama and emotional blackmailing from him. I think if he loved you (more than he loves himself) he'd stop all that nonsense and let you go.

It's a pretty selfish love to keep insisting you have to make it work at the cost of your mental health, because he doesn't want to deal with the loss of the relationship.

It might be worth trying EMDR for your own sake.

I think you or he should leave for a while and spend some time apart so you can deal with your own emotions instead of having to manage his as well all the time.

See where you are after a break.