I can't get over the affair

[SailboatSundays]

I hope people can please tell me what to do.

In the early years of our relationship my DP had an affair and although he is the perfect partner now, or at least the one I always hoped I would have, I was never able to get over it.

I still feel astonishing pain and trauma surrounding it, and it impacted me in many ways. Physically, financially, mentally. I am not the same person and it genuinely haunts me.

I reached a point after five years that I think maybe I am just not capable of "getting over it", or finding a way to understand it. Maybe some people can, but maybe not me.

There isn't a day where I don't picture some of what happened, and it is as fresh as the day it occurred in my mind. I just can't understand, still, why he did it or how he could do it.

While he was there for the first couple of years for all the tears and anger, there comes a point where you can't keep on like that. So he got busy building the life he knew I had wanted, the life we'd planned before the affair, and he did everything he could to make us happy.

Meanwhile I just started crying in the toilet or when he was at work. I stopped looking after myself. I got fat. I stopped wearing pretty clothes. We don't have sex anymore when we used to be at it like rabbits.

He has been asking me if I still love him and why he doesn't make me happy. He says he can't be happy if I am not happy and keeps asking what I need to be so, but I feel like his affair killed that ability in me and for some weird reason I feel guilty for that like I am overreacting and someone else would be able to move on and upwards.

I am not trying to punish him. I just cannot fix my broken heart. I don't know how to fix it. I am aware I probably sound pathetic right now, but I am being honest.

I have tried many times to give him an out. I said today that maybe he would be better off leaving because I wasn't going to feel better and I thought I would be better on my own because he was a reminder of the pain. And he got into a panic and had to leave work when his job is not the kind of job you can just leave, and now I just feel guilty for bringing it up because he is in a real state.

He says he can't be happy without me, and that there is no life where he could ever be happy that didn't include me but all I keep thinking when he says that, is that he didn't feel that way before when he risked everything to get sex and affection off someone else.

I love him very much still. He's the love of my life is such a thing exists. I am not like this 24/7 and in the good times he makes me laugh so much, he is so kind, he is my best friend, he is brilliant really. So why can't I let this go?

I feel like leaving would be the kindest thing to us both. For me, because I could just go off and grieve without needing to pretend to be all right. Or to see myself unravel in front of him and feel even smaller than I do already. And for him so he could go off and have a nice life instead of paying penance forever.

He says that there is no possible version of life where he could be happy without me or grow old without me, and that we just have to fix it, and he wants me to speak to the GP or sort out some counselling. He said he would never give up and never stop trying because he loves me and can't do life without me.

I am really not sure what to think or do.

When I break it down, and remember some of the terrible things he did to me, it isn't about being unable to forgive; it's about being completely unable to live with it. I just don't know how to accept it or make peace with it.

I don't want to be sad and in pain for the rest of my life. What is wrong with me?

Do you have children OP. Any advice I think depends on that. It's worth trying if you do, it's not if you don't. Good luck - but remember you get one life don't waste it feeling like this.

We can get stuck in the shame spiral. Posting and reading on sites like this can just exacerbate this. Reading comments around raising bars, LTB, you’ll never trust him, he’ll do it again etc can just add to the overwhelming feeling we can have for letting strong women down or being seen as weak. STOP. Find a site that empathises and will offer wise, considered advice, Surviving Infidelity (reconciliation forum) is incredible.

By all means if Op wants to get more advice from a wider range of forums that’s up to her but No one is letting down strong women on this thread , we’re listening to the words of the OP and responding.

*I still feel astonishing pain and trauma surrounding it, and it impacted me in many ways. Physically, financially, mentally. I am not the same person and it genuinely haunts me.

I reached a point after five years that I think maybe I am just not capable of "getting over it", or finding a way to understand it. Maybe some people can, but maybe not me.*

She has tried for 5 years and this is still how she feels. If this was my friend, sister etc I’d be asking them to be compassionate with themselves and get out because the mental agony it’s caused/causing them despite clearly giving reconciliation a try. Especially since they’re not married and have no kids. although my advice would be the same in this situation, if they were married with kids.

From what I understand she doesn’t have kids but even if she did have them…she’s been trying for five years.

genuine question- How much longer would you suggest she tries? And do you think having a mum in that mental state is good for kids?

i think it’s important to add for the benefit of any mothers reading this in a similar situation - stay if you want but it’s not your responsibility to do so, and you aren’t the one breaking up the family if you walk away, your husband /partner did that.

I really do feel for parents who are guilt tripped into reconciliation after infidelity.

@Fizzib i don’t disagree and as i said it’s not for everyone and everyone has the right to leave, but look at some of the comments and imagine the shame for women here who are just reading but in pain and wondering if they should stay?

Actually read what is being said to them as they consider their options.

FWIW I don’t think reconciliation is the best option for everyone. I actually don’t feel that cheats are a good bet BUT shaming someone instead of offering guidance is just counter productive imho.

But I’m out of here because I’ve no doubt it’ll become the usual bun fight just because you post a different view.

You're averse because you know any sincere attempt to work through it with a therapist would bring what's left of your marriage to an end.

He's killed it.

@Susieb2023 I haven’t read all the comments in this thread but from what I’ve seen posters are commenting specifically on this scenario where a woman has (rightfully) exercised her right to choose to stay and give it another go, but has reported that she has been in absolute mental pain for 5 years.

If others in that position are reading this and seeing people saying “please you don’t need to put yourself through this pain any longer” I can’t see that it’s a bad thing.

AFAIK no one has called the Op stupid or foolish etc for staying or wasting five years etc. but as I said, I haven’t read every single post.

I'm so sorry you were so badly betrayed by this man. You sound lovely and I'm glad he's tried to make up for his wrong. But betrayals are complex and hard to get over.

I feel like you both seem very co dependent. Why did he have an affair? Why did you continue to stay with him after the affair. I sound harsh, but this isn't a way for either of you to live! It sounds toxic. You say he is the love of your life, but why? Because he had an affair and then has spent all the time since giving you the life you want! You openly admit the situation isn't fair on anyone. Sorry to sound harsh, but you're the master of your own destiny! You sound incredibly brave and strong, but maybe deep down you know your partner isn't right for you and you hate the pressure he is putting on you, saying he can't see a life without you.

Can you go to couples therapy? Also write a list of what YOU want out of life and what will make YOU happy. Time to focus on yourself xxx

@Susieb2023 there is no shame ascribed to the op by any of the posters at all. I think that's your projection.

Her distress is recognised and sympathised with. The cruelty of her husband is also recognised. Posters are trying to help relieve her.

My ex cheated on me several times, did all the contrition shit. I recognise the behaviour.

I also think it's you making sweeping statements about the experiences or lack of among posters on MN. How would you know how many have haven't experienced the pain of infidelity?

I'm a few years on since discovering my own H affair. I can resonate with what you feel, sadly it never goes away. We live separately now, I've built a new home for me and the kids and it's been really hard work but seriously empowering at the same time! I have waves of anger still to this day - how could someone who supposedly loves you destroy you and the family like that for their own selfish needs. Trust is something that is very important to me, he broke that trust and I just can't come back from that. I tried and failed to work through it, he'd have quite happily brushed it under the carpet and moved on but my mental state was so bad I had to walk away. I don't regret that but the realisation of being alone because of what someone else did to me still hurts. I'll never truly trust anyone ever again because of his actions-I don't think he has any idea how much that hurts. In your shoes I'd do the same again, walk away. It never goes away, if I had my time again I'd have walked away right at the start when I discovered the affair and saved myself so much heartache. Life really is too short!!

Some people can't get past affairs.

Lots of people, in fact.

That's totally natural and understandable and to be honest, anyone being given a chance to continue the relationship having had an affair is one lucky fucker.... But a lucky fucker who should realise that it may not work out.

You've given it years. Your life and well being has been negatively affected. Personally I think you should move on. You gave it a shot - a loooong shot, it was more than he deserved.

I don't find many men do this to themselves when they're been cheated on; they keep it fairly simple; sometimes it's best to keep things simple.

He says that there is no possible version of life where he could be happy without me or grow old without me, and that we just have to fix it, and he wants me to speak to the GP or sort out some counselling. He said he would never give up and never stop trying because he loves me and can't do life without me.

Still selfish then.

You can say he's the "best" man, clearly not or he wouldn't have done what he did. Cheating like that is ultimately a sign of selfishness. And this statement shows he's still selfish.

He doesn't get to make the decision about whether you continue the relationship or whether it works out (or where it can work out)...there are two people here, one of whom betrayed the other in a very fundamental, intimate way.
What he said there is actually very entitled and manipulative and selfish.
And very much "I will have what I want!". Well, don't fuck something up and then expect it to be there intact and healthy for you. He can "do the work" all he likes after the event/s; he still totally shat on his relationship and partner. Nothing takes that away He's still too immature and selfish to accept that.

You want better than how he treated you.

You are entirely right in that.

A glued back together case is always a glued back together broken vase, not an unbroken one.

And he broke it, not you

You've tried for long enough.

He said he would never give up and never stop trying because he loves me and can't do life without me.

If you choose to end the relationship, he needs to stop trying - because that would be respecting another person's feelings, decisions and autonomy... Something he's not very good at, apparently.

Oh, and I guarantee he can do life without you.

we just have to fix it

Some things can't be fixed.

It's a pity his personality is such that he can't see it recognise that - little boy who smashed up his toy and then cries when it can't be mended.

he wants me to speak to the GP or sort out some counselling

No-one can counsel or therapise someone into accepting betrayal.

In fact I would consider a cheater insisting on that to be verging on abusive.

Maybe the counselling would result in you leaving ... That apparently hasn't occurred to him as he sends you in, like a pet being sent for behavioural training.

I feel like you both seem very co dependent.

This too.

i think you’ve answered your own question. You have PTSD this is a brilliant insight. There is specialist therapy for this that literally helps you move the trauma to another part of your brain. Look up EMDR my friend had it and it improved her life so much.

This sounds like ptsd to me.

You keep reliving the trauma fresh in your mind. EMDR is a fantastic therapy for this. It can help reset your brain.

However and you may not want to hear this but I would get EMDR and leave. You deserve a happy new life free of this torment. You could never ever trust him again. Life is too short to live like this.

Just to focus on what might be the main issue behind this; you are maybe stuck trying to reconcile that he says he loves you, cares deeply, you/the relationship with you is of huge importance to him .....Yet, he acted in total opposition to that.

(He also acted in total opposition to basic standards of integrity).

You are stuck trying to square that, and you can't. It's irreconcilable, it's a contradiction
It is affecting your mental health.

Did you discover the affair or did he confess it?

Some people risk something important to them; because they think there is no risk, ... because they won't get caught.
It's human nature to think you probably won't get caught. So, to them, there is no risk - and no contradiction in what they are doing. They think they can keep things in separate realms/compartmentalise. Its only when they get caught and what they think is important to them is at risk, they might lose it - that they get upset.
Integral to that sort of person's character is obviously a fundamental lack of integrity.
It's all about what they want, not what they owe their partner, not what is fair to their partner, not what they wouldn't want done to themselves.

If they wanted a fair & equal relationship, they'd tell you they were attracted to someone else/forming a bond with someone else and give you option of ending the relationship, or of an open relationship (which most people wouldn't go for obviously) ..... The fact that they cheat shows they don't want a fair or equal relationship. They're ok with making their partner live by rules that they've scrapped for themselves.

When someone shows you that lack.of integrity, risk taking, selfishness etc. .... you'd have to be insane not to be shook to your foundations and have gigantic doubts about the wisdom of hitching your wagon to them. You are not insane, you are sane; that's why you have been struggling.

Many people would just have gotten rid of him.

I agree with the poster who said you're codependent and maybe that's one of the reasons you didn't just end it.

There's also the fact that many people can't end it at first/in the short term, they are just in shock and tremendous pain and vulnerable and don't feel capable of doing so ... But time helps them, and time also shows them that getting past it may be a fallacy.

@Xenoi24 spot on. This man is behaving in a very selfish and manipulative way.

The whole things sounds suffocating and a bit of a potential red flag with the “he’ll never stop trying” stuff.

Perhaps he is the one that needs to go counselling or see a GP to receive advice in how to move on separately in a healthy way and take full accountability for living with the consequences of his actions.

I'm wondering if you could be suffering from clinical depression. Could that be a possibility

*If they wanted a fair & equal relationship, they'd tell you they were attracted to someone else/forming a bond with someone else and give you option of ending the relationship, or of an open relationship (which most people wouldn't go for obviously) ..... The fact that they cheat shows they don't want a fair or equal relationship. They're ok with making their partner live by rules that they've scrapped for themselves.

Just to add, their other option is, of course, to not give themselves permission to cheat.

I find things like trauma and betrayal and being unhappy & torn; can lead to depression.

So it's a bit chicken and egg.

I also think you have PTSD and you're conflicted by avoidance of the trauma and fear of a repeat of the trauma (in the form of losing your partner, rather than him cheating).

The big things I would suggest is time away. I suspect you might benefit from trauma based dialectical therapy and a break from the situation. Then you'll know where you are and how much of this is current.

I totally agree with that - I would say that the affair and the following issues could easily have led to depression, which would need treating to resolve
From my own experience I would say that if you cannot forgive or get past it then that is also okay - don't be afraid to not want to move on together just because your partner says they want to - think about what you really want and need and you need to do what is best for you
I think OP may benefit from focusing more on healing herself (in whatever way that works for her) rather than focusing on maintaining the relationship - give herself permission to move on separately if that is what she feels she needs

The torment comes from trying to reconcile two completely opposing statements.

he loves me.

he cheated on me.

many people who try to ‘get over’ infidelity spend years stuck on this one fundamental issue and it’s this that is most likely causing the ongoing pain. You become at odds with yourself. Your whole life becomes about trying to square that circle.

it is why I could never stay with someone who cheated on me because I would end up betraying myself and that’s worse than someone else doing it to me.

Inclined to think you have some rose tinted glasses on re him too, op.

He's apparently a good guy/the best guy - who just happened to inflict probably the worst type of betrayal someone can inflict on a romantic partner a few years ago .... in a huge blip that's in complete opposition to his character ....... I'd say it's more complicated than that; I'd say his character & behaviour is more consistent throughout than you (let yourself) realise.

Find a site that empathises and will offer wise, considered advice

This site then.

Most relationships will not survive infidelity, long term or at all.

Even if they "survive", many will not be healthy.

There's nothing unwise or unconsidered about acknowledging that.

(There is also plenty of empathy on this site, it's extremely unfair and disrespectful to many posters on here who take time to post, to suggest otherwise).