I can't get over the affair

[SailboatSundays]

I hope people can please tell me what to do.

In the early years of our relationship my DP had an affair and although he is the perfect partner now, or at least the one I always hoped I would have, I was never able to get over it.

I still feel astonishing pain and trauma surrounding it, and it impacted me in many ways. Physically, financially, mentally. I am not the same person and it genuinely haunts me.

I reached a point after five years that I think maybe I am just not capable of "getting over it", or finding a way to understand it. Maybe some people can, but maybe not me.

There isn't a day where I don't picture some of what happened, and it is as fresh as the day it occurred in my mind. I just can't understand, still, why he did it or how he could do it.

While he was there for the first couple of years for all the tears and anger, there comes a point where you can't keep on like that. So he got busy building the life he knew I had wanted, the life we'd planned before the affair, and he did everything he could to make us happy.

Meanwhile I just started crying in the toilet or when he was at work. I stopped looking after myself. I got fat. I stopped wearing pretty clothes. We don't have sex anymore when we used to be at it like rabbits.

He has been asking me if I still love him and why he doesn't make me happy. He says he can't be happy if I am not happy and keeps asking what I need to be so, but I feel like his affair killed that ability in me and for some weird reason I feel guilty for that like I am overreacting and someone else would be able to move on and upwards.

I am not trying to punish him. I just cannot fix my broken heart. I don't know how to fix it. I am aware I probably sound pathetic right now, but I am being honest.

I have tried many times to give him an out. I said today that maybe he would be better off leaving because I wasn't going to feel better and I thought I would be better on my own because he was a reminder of the pain. And he got into a panic and had to leave work when his job is not the kind of job you can just leave, and now I just feel guilty for bringing it up because he is in a real state.

He says he can't be happy without me, and that there is no life where he could ever be happy that didn't include me but all I keep thinking when he says that, is that he didn't feel that way before when he risked everything to get sex and affection off someone else.

I love him very much still. He's the love of my life is such a thing exists. I am not like this 24/7 and in the good times he makes me laugh so much, he is so kind, he is my best friend, he is brilliant really. So why can't I let this go?

I feel like leaving would be the kindest thing to us both. For me, because I could just go off and grieve without needing to pretend to be all right. Or to see myself unravel in front of him and feel even smaller than I do already. And for him so he could go off and have a nice life instead of paying penance forever.

He says that there is no possible version of life where he could be happy without me or grow old without me, and that we just have to fix it, and he wants me to speak to the GP or sort out some counselling. He said he would never give up and never stop trying because he loves me and can't do life without me.

I am really not sure what to think or do.

When I break it down, and remember some of the terrible things he did to me, it isn't about being unable to forgive; it's about being completely unable to live with it. I just don't know how to accept it or make peace with it.

I don't want to be sad and in pain for the rest of my life. What is wrong with me?

I haven’t come across a single person who has ultimately gone on to regret leaving a cheater.

plenty of people trying very very hard to promote ‘reconciliation’… and I think you have to question why.

in the OPs case it’s making her miserable, as it would pretty much anyone to be honest, and it would be healthier for her to leave. Some people may be able to tolerate the cognitive dissonance for longer and I’m sure it’s for what feels like very good reasons, but ultimately I am in agreement and I don’t think people who have been betrayed should spend their lives trying to fix what someone else broke and think there’s something wrong with them if they can’t.

What I am certain of is that I would never, ever, ever be in another relationship again. No way. I'd never put myself in a position again where another person could do something like this to me.

The world is full of different types of people. Some people are serial.cheats, some people are random/"minimal" cheats, some people don't cheat. They just don't.

You can find one of those if you look; don't let one weak, selfish, mal adjusted man put you off relationships and convince you you have to be alone; you don't.

That is very extreme/absolute thinking and is not reasonable or healthy.

Did you discover the affair or did he confess it?

Sorry, I missed a post where you seem to have said he confessed.

But maybe he knew she was going to tell you anyway.

Your description of his behaviour in the aftermath..... And your instinct that he enjoyed it some extent...... Just SMH.

See his real character, take the rose tinted glasses off, step away from the hyperbole/the absolute statements about him. Try to step back from the codependence.
You know. But you're acting in opposition to what you know, no wonder you're unhappy and your mh is suffering.

And I was too weak to protect me either.

At that time.

We are all vulnerable at times, we all struggle at times.

But time is not static. And people's development is not static.

(And most of the betrayed spouses on this forum gave their relationships a chance for a while).

I agree with this.

He's continuing to manipulate you.

You're not responsible for his actions or his happiness.

It's possible you can't get over it. That's ok. No one (except him!!) will say you have to.

You can walk away, hurt for a while but ultimately heal and move on. To me that sounds better than a life time of being told to feel one way when you can't truely live it.

Which is why she needs to stop it. This torture is a form of the same thing.

Of course there is life without you. If course he can live without you. It's so manipulative.

Taken to its extreme, it reminds me of the "abuser being dumped" script that they're going to kill themselves ..... Yet 99.9% of them are generally alive and kicking (and often not single) years later.

If he had not chosen me immediately, I would have left

Ah mate, in a decent relationship, there is no.choice after you've gotten together.

The choice was made when you got into an exclusive relationship.

There are no other choices after that, because your "partner" doesn't involve themselves with other people.

The best man I know

If the best man you know id a guy who cheats on his partner and after saying he'll stop all contact with the woman he cheated on her with, stays in contact with her for months and keeps doing so even as his partner is saying "why are you doing this to me, why are hurting me like this?" ....... I would conclude that you have had life experience of many rather shitty men.

So I know he loves me

Has it occurred to you that he's codependent?

Had it occurred to you that some people's 'love" is not very valuable?

Hrs also extremely manipulative and selfish and everything is about what he wants, he has no respect for what you might want or what might be best for you; it's just all "you will want what I want, I know better, I want this, so you'll do it, you'll therapise yourself into wanting what I want".
It's not remotely inconsistent with his cheating, you realise that?

And I just kept saying "why are you doing this? you are causing me so much damage, please stop or I will leave you". But it took months for him to stop.

But you didn't leave. So he knew it was an empty threat. Now I think he still feels it's an empty threat, hence him pressuring you to 'fix yourself' via a GP or some counselling.

He's not wrong in one sense - you shouldn't continue to live like this, you absolutely need to find a way to heal from the trauma. I do feel like a trial separation would be useful for you to have some space to think. I think it's interesting that you're very resistant to counselling now - I think you know on some level it's going to force you to confront some feelings you don't want to acknowledge and would rather not have. But what's clear is that, after 5 years, those feelings aren't going away. To recover into a happy life, whether that's with him or not with him, you will have to address those feelings.

Whether he's a good man or not, he's done some bad things. Dragging out contact with the OW after the end of the affair, wilfully choosing to cause you pain that you were fully aware of - that's worse than the affair itself. His actions have consequences.

I hope you can find some peace, OP. For where you are right now, I don't think sustained contact with him is helping you. Hopefully when you're feeling better you can make a decision that will make you happiest, whichever that ultimately is.

*What I am certain of is that I would never, ever, ever be in another relationship again. No way. I'd never put myself in a position again where another person could do something like this to me.

Aside from that, he was it, one else would ever make me laugh the same way or be him, and I wouldn't want to replace him.

I would have to figure out a life that didn't include a partner anymore, and that would be fine. I was never really someone who needed one.*

Ah op, in the words of Hannibal Lecter, you are a deep roller.

Everything is so absolute and extreme.

Apparently It's this (not particularly great guy .... "Oh he's fucked up by his past"...aren't they all, "and then he did a terrible thing and fucked himself up even more" .... the poor lad. We definitely want to feel sorry for the cheater who kept his ow on the line for months, not for you, the actual victim.) .... Or nothing.

You'll never have another relationship and you'll be alone. You'll never trust again ...I've heard similar from inebriated people, they're all in relationships.

He cheated because of his personality.
You've stayed in this because of your personality.

You need to get perspective and moderation, and not be so fkg extreme and fatalistic about things. You should have counselling to help you with that, not to help you accept his infidelity avd general shittiness.

Btw I know women who've been beaten, anally raped, cheated on repeatedly with sex workers and non sex workers etc etc; who are in stable, apparently happy relationships, I really wouldn't write yourself off due to one dickhead.

He was it

No, he wasn't and isn't.

There are any number of "it's".

one else would ever make me laugh the same way

Give it a try, you'll be surprised.

and I wouldn't want to replace him.

Give it time.

You can't see the words for the trees ATM.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but honestly - are you literally going to punish him forever?

You seem really mired down with it all. This really is as traumatic as you wish to make it / and it appears you want it to be as traumatic as possible

Your relationship sounds weirdly codependent too.

Just leave him. If you really can't get over this to the point where you're deliberately making yourself fat and he's worried you'll hurt yourself - that's just the only option you have.

Imagine if a man was writing this.

But simultaneously, I know that if you don't love a woman you don't sit through two years of tears and intermittent rage with the patience of a saint, repeating over and over "I love you, I am sorry, I am not going anywhere" You don't show up every single day when someone is struggling and ask "what can I do?". You don't run home from work to check they're all right if they're having a bad day. You don't tell them they look pretty every time they walk into a room, even when they are fat and have mascara round their eyes. You don't do the hardest things, or choose them every single day

He is staying in a miserable relationship where there’s no sex, no emotional intimacy with someone who is depressed, traumatised and a shell of her former self. The majority of people would not accept that. It is not a relationship in any meaningful way. It’s a sham, and he is utterly desperate for it to continue.

I don’t think this is evidence of his love. I think it’s evidence of his avoidant attachment. In the early days he pretended he was committed to you when he was not. He pretended to have emotional intimacy with you while confiding in someone else. That’s despicable. Only when you were emotionally and sexually withdrawn and traumatised from his behaviour did he commit to you.

And now the reason there is no intimacy is your fault. He’s a good guy who wants things to change. I think he has the ideal relationship, one where there’s no emotional intimacy with a partner who regularly thinks about splitting up with him.

Some people with avoidant attachment don't want what they say they want. They don’t want closeness and they seek ways to put barriers in place to achieve that and cheating is a common theme. They can only be committed to bad relationships where there’s no risk of intimacy.

If his needs were not being met he would have left a long time ago. Ask yourself what needs of his are being met in this shambles and how much longer you are going to gaslight yourself into accepting responsibility for the distance between you and your response to the trauma he inflicted on you.

I think he is telling the truth when he expresses fear that you might end the relationship, but I think it’s for the wrong reasons. If you split he will have to go through the process of meeting someone else and most people will not tolerate an emotionally avoidant person who is deceptive and manipulative.

I think this sums up the whole situation and he said emotional intimacy with her was easy, because he didn't care what she thought of him. And he said he became very attached to her because of that.

Do you see how fucked his ability to attach is? He didn’t connect because she was attractive or funny or nice. His only requirement was that he didn’t care about her, which is the opposite of how other people attach. He is not a safe partner for you which is why you have protected yourself emotionally from him.

I think the interesting thing here (which you should take to a therapist) is why you think you have to get over it. Why do you have to stay with him? why do you 'have to' examine your 'failure' to get over it.

It would be totally normal to just end it. Yet you are torturing yourself about why you are staying and are unhappy.

Something inside you does'nt believe you have a right to set boundaries or standards in a relationship.

Are you staying with him so that he / she don't 'win'? so you can cling to him and always have him there saying sorry forever?

I also think you're depressed because of the trauma, pain, stress etc he put you through with the cheating and then him staying in contact with the ow for months, entirely (of course) against your wishes, your expectation/agreement re continuing the relationship with him, and your obvious distress.

His validation from her, what he wanted, what he "needed" was still more important to him than what was fair to you, still more important than not hurting you. Still more important than decent behaviour.

You say he loves you and you love him, but his "love"/this relationship has turned you into a fatter, frumpier, sadder, more insecure untrusting, traumatised, depressive version of yourself (who's also probably not thriving in your working life) .... Which just demonstrates that not everything people think is "love", is .. (or certainly not "love" worth having).

Also, it's worth pointing out that abused and cheaters overcompensate to try to balance their behaviour and make the other person think they're a good person and that it's a good relationship... So that's what all the ott oving" stuff is about.

He wouldn't have to do any of it if he wasn't a cheater, who'd treated you badly. He could just be normal.

Abuse/mistreatment followed by OTT "niceness"/devotion is not a healthy, loving relationship.

I think if you didn’t have the betrayal trauma creating distance between you there would be other avoidant behaviour happening which he would blame you for. You should look back at your early years for signs of emotional avoidance. It can be hard to spot as they can be sneaky about it.

You need to stop blaming yourself for not forgiving the unforgivable. This man is emotionally deceptive and narcissistic and not capable of healthy attachment. None of this is your fault and you don’t owe it to him to to provide him with the safety of an emotionally barren relationship where his needs are met and your aren't.

@Susieb2023 you could be me. Honestly.

This, OP. He doesn't love you.

My ex-husband was the same and still is. Leaving him after his lengthy affair with someone I thought was a friend was the only way to survive.

Stop worrying about him and start thinking about yourself. I wish you very well.

It seems to me that you are a person of integrity and simply can't reconcile the irreconcilable. Which is that he loves you, but he also cheated on you in a very deceptive, manipulative way that involved a lot of lying and half truths that benefitted only his ego.

I agree with some earlier posters in this thread who suggested it is not his betrayal that is making you sick to your stomach. (Although yes it is a stomach churning betrayal). It is that you are betraying your own core values, your own sense of self, in staying with someone that can do this to you. Your pain is coming from the division within yourself. This is pain of the soul. You cannot rationalise it away with the thinking mind.

You have also described him as "the best man" and said you would never have another relationship again. So it's not that this man has just broken your trust - he's actually broken your faith in humanity really. If this is what the best men do where is the hope? Is what your deeper self is saying. I think the problem is that he, and yes your actions in then staying with him, has broken your trust in everything. Your trust is broken both regarding the people in this world, and your ability to protect yourself. This sounds bleak but doesn't have to be. You can acknowledge this is your present position and then take practical action to change it. Xx

Honestly OP, it was many years ago, to me you either accept it or separate

My best friend (male) cheated on his wife about 20 years ago. She kept reminding him and suffering etc and one day he said enough and left her. She is now desperately trying to get back with him but he has made up his mind.

So think carefully if you' really want this / if you can't accept it, just move on.

Sorry I sound harsh but I've seen this exact same scenario playing out only last year

So much of this is about HIM. What he did. How he feels. What he wants.

What do YOU want OP? What do you NEED? Why does his need for the relationship to remain outweigh your need for closure and peace?

It's over really isn't it?

Exactly this. He doesn't deserve for you to turn yourself inside out just because he can't be happy without you. You owe him nothing.