Do you know of women who are controlling? Are there equal numbers of controlling men and women in relationships?

[Nylla]

I was wondering if people know of women who are controlling with their husbands/partners.

I hear more about controlling men. But I was wondering if there are just as many women.

Absolutely, and then hide behing the narcissistic, woe is me card.

I have known two very abused men and one who was controlled and emotionally abused but not to the degree of the others.

In one case the abuse started when she got pregnant. She would hit him and demand money or she would tell people it was him or say buy me this or I will drink a bottle of vodka. He would go home from work and the house would be smashed up. He involved social services who didn’t believe him and didn’t do anything. He went to his GP after getting attacked and he wasn’t believed as he was ex army and well built.

Eventually she gave birth and used the baby as a weapon do as I say or I will breastfeed drunk. He started recording things and still no one wanted to know. It wasn’t until she attacked shop workers with the baby present and was arrested that social services did anything. Thankfully she fled back to her home country leaving the baby. But after that the elderly neighbours then said they had been threatened with her saying she would send him round if they made any noise.

The other more serious one he was slowly conditioned to do everything she said or she would take the children away. He had no money as it went in the family pot (which he didn’t have access to) he used to have to have to make phone calls for her for a doctors or hair appointment in work time (she never worked) and if she told him to go home at any point during the day he would have to get up and go and he would often come in with bruises. His colleagues and his boss all urged him to go to the police and get help but this was before coercive control was recognised and he refused as he didn’t think his adult children would forgive him. He was a shell of a man.

I am not for one second saying it is just men or are abused or that it is any worse for them. However men can be victims too and shouldn’t be blamed or it waved away just because they are stronger.

Any abuse should be dealt with and not justified.

This is true, but in the vast majority of cases women tend to be the 'head' of the family because they're the ones looking out for everyone, especially the kids. Men often tend to focus on their own wants and needs. In families where men call the shots, women and children suffer.

Women control nearly every single one of my friends and in general most women tell men what to do. Think of the little things like if I am trying to grow a beard the wife says shave it off I don't like it now if I told her I didn't like her hair and change it I would be abusive. Most of my mates if we go out have to be home for a certain time. I don't get a say in how our house looks, what kind of colours we can have, where we go on holiday or where we go out to eat. This is pretty standard for a lot of my male mates with some having allowances and clothes picked for them

My mother was unfaithful, controlling and abusive to us and her husbands. She regularly used to throw crockery and hard objects. She would send people to Coventry. She poured a bucket of freezing cold water over one husband once. She made a great deal of money. This and her terrifying temper kept her men docile.

This only happens because the men involved allow it. If you choose a relationship with someone who is controlling or unreasonable , it’s a choice .

This is true. Many men don’t seem to see for themselves the burden on women who are often the ones running the household , including admin, and in charge of most of the child related stuff.

Your post makes no sense....

I think that's pretty offensive towards those in controlling relationships. Very few people would enter into one if they knew their partner would become controlling. And it's often not easy to get out.

Controlling wives/partners definitely do exist. It's less spoken of because men are traditionally expected to be 'manly' & in control so when it happens they're often too ashamed to talk about it but also they are less likely to believed.

It doesn't make them controlling in everything they do but it's unheard of for any woman I have ever had a relationship or spoke to that they don't do exactly the same. Women just don't class it as controlling

I met a good number of spiteful, jealous, toxic women in my working life. This was in various offices. Most of them were married. I sometimes wondered about that. Maybe they were nicer to their husbands, maybe not?

I know two women who are extremely controlling over their husbands. One refuses to work, got them into debt several times and now they're both on benefits. She doesn't even move from the sofa- he cooks and brings her food to her. The other, met her husband 30 yrs ago when he was 15 and she was 19 - she exercises complete financial control over him. Both husbands seem to worship these women.

Women have caused all sorts of issues in my life. They are usually the head of the family and the decision maker, i.e mother in laws. If you don’t get passed then you don’t get anywhere.

I’ve known 2 women who have been controlling to their male partner. One of the men eventually left her and is now in a very happy, equal relationship, one is unfortunately still with his wife. He has hinted that it’s a bit of a kink for him though so I’m not really sure what’s going on there. 😬

I have known absolutely loads of men who are controlling in their relationships with female partners though, including my father and brother.

I think women are more likely to be controlled and men more likely to be controlling due to how girls and boys are socialised on the whole.

Victim blaming

Well I'm no expert but for my two pennies worth, 100% there are controlling women out there. The case I am thinking of does it by crying and siting her poor mental health whenever her husband / children do something she doesn't like. They then feel guilty and do whatever it is she wants.
The controlling men I can think of don't do it that way. They belittle their partner and wear them down by making them doubt their self worth until they lose all confidence. Both very cruel. No idea if the person doing it knows that they are being controlling

It's an interesting question @Sillystrumpet about whether people realise they're controlling.

I think a lot of the time they're convinced they're in the right.

Both sexes have the ability to engage in controlling behaviour. But it's hard to get a handle on how prevalent it is amongst women due to its constant conflation with boundary setting and asserting of rights.

Its been misappropriated as the go to label for any woman objecting to any aspect of male behaviour, often with good reason. Binge drinking partner stays out all night without even a call to say he's not in the gutter, 'you're controlling, he's an adult!' Husband's new best friend is a woman at work, half his age 'Men and women can be friends! You can't control who he spends time with' and so on.

So yes, of course women engage in controlling behaviour though I'd say more towards other women, and especially where their children are concerned (MiL can only see DC for an hour a month/can't feed them bananas on a Friday/my baby my choice) But in relationships I'd say it typically takes far less damaging forms. So where men will use their financial power to withhold money, use their physical advantage to literally take things away from women or prevent their going out, excercise their greater independence to force women to do their bidding by not coming home so she can't go out etc; women are more likely to restrict it to not wanting him to behave selfishly and inconsiderately, or influencing minor aspects of his appearance.
Men are also more likely to resist control and have the resources and wherewithal to walk away from it.