Do you know of women who are controlling? Are there equal numbers of controlling men and women in relationships?

[Nylla]

I was wondering if people know of women who are controlling with their husbands/partners.

I hear more about controlling men. But I was wondering if there are just as many women.

Yes ..agree people can be horrendously controlling and nasty, both men and women.

I'd say structural elements of society come into play... a lot of people specifically choose to target their nastiness at those they feel won't speak back, or where they think the group dynamic means they won't be called out.

Women may target men because they think there's a social stigma to men speaking out.

Men may target women because they're physically stronger.

What is horrific (but I think should be talked about) is seeing how often male and female bullies move around the system or society specifically into groups or places or jobs where they can access and dominate people.

I don't know if there's a thread about it, but there's a news story about someone who used to work with the police (contractor role) keeping his ID and trying to get a female driver to stop...thank fuck she didn't.

Similarly I know male and female bullies who are always "out there" meeting new people and on online dating and trying to take over social groups (especially if the groups have younger people in them or they think no-one will call them out).

@Whilstbabysleeps its definitely not black and white at all.

I’ve just seen that a PP has mentioned reactive abuse, I have actually not heard this term before, where it’s describes abusers playing the victim card after they are abusive and the other person loses it with them.

It’s an absolutely head fuck. I suppose this is why family court lawyers love acrimonious divorces as the game playing during the relationship/ marriage is usually the prequel to the posts separation fuckery.

It’s worst for the children caught in the mess to state the absolute and total obvious but trying to make sense of what happened and trying not to inflict more damage is hard when you have to coparent with someone who just ‘doesn’t get it’.

Depends on the culture. I think the family culture in western countries is often (often isn't but often is) matriarchal. Women are more likely to be controlling there.

I'd imagine it's less common in patriarchal cultures like in Muslim communities for example.

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes and abuse comes in many forms. But the ones who use physical dominance, the threat of violence or financial control as an abusive tactic tend to be either bigger and stronger, or earn more money than their victim. Go figure.

A lot of the abuse in my relationship was finding out my secrets and then blackmailing me.

I believe that reactive abuse is probably one of the biggest barriers to actual abuse being identified and called out. And often, reactive abuse is behaviour that is already recognised in the victim, which makes the broader network of friends/family much more likely to take the abuser's side over the victim. "Oh, she can be so defensive and aggressive", for example. But inevitably, this is because the abuse she's experiencing now is behaviour she's been subject to her whole life....

Insecurities and past trauma often ARE the causes of abusive behaviour. Doesn't mean they're okay. It's on the abuser to adapt and adjust their behaviour and do the work. You see it on here all the time, "It IS frustrating to have to constantly reassure him that of course I'm not going to cheat on him when I'm having dinner with the girls but he's been cheated on before so I know this is a trigger for him." It's not okay.

@GerbilsForever24 its amazing how much clarity one gets sometimes on these boards. In my case, I was blamed for eveything and accused of everything under the sun but slowly it all came out that it was in fact everything that my ex was doing and just projecting it on to me. Many things are still so triggering as the cruelty of this sort of gaslighting is not something it’s easy to recover from. They carry on after separation though, and love to tell all and sundry how terrible their ex’s are and what a monster and poor them, it was so terrible, meanwhile the people who were actually on the receiving end of the lying, the cheating, the drinking and all of it, have to pick up the pieces while still trying to figure out what the hell happened to cause such a mess. They will continue to lie as it’s just in their nature, so best to keep contact to the absolute minimum in my experience. I’ve gone off topic a bit, sorry!

DP's ex wife was very controlling

My mum has been extremely controlling her entire life and the family has simply adapted to it. I’m unsure whether it’s covert narcissism or ASD, but her controlling behaviour seems to vacillate between needing constant attention, anxiety and sensory issues. It doesn’t present itself as “abusive” in the typical sense as you’d expect with male partners. It’s more insidious and based on making everyone around her feel guilty for making her feel unhappy or ill, hence people bend over backwards to keep the peace.

Examples include forcing people (esp grandkids) to wear extra clothing due to fear of them catching a cold. Sometimes to the point of total irrationality, eg forcing a small child to wear a jacket in sweltering weather which leads to frequent disputes. Another example is controlling where people sit in a restaurant. If they pick the “wrong” table it will send her into a near meltdown because she thinks the cooking smells from the kitchen or a draft by the door is too strong. She would also control where people walk, even something as innocuous as going through a park. People must go the exact way she says which she thinks is closer (often not true). My earliest childhood memories were always of her throwing a strop on family holidays due to factors that were impossible to control, like the direction the train was travelling or the waiting time at an airport.

If confronted, she blows up within seconds (think shouting, screaming, running off), akin to an incontrollable autistic meltdown hence the ND suspicion. However many elements also match covert narcissism and blowing up is her way of ensuring nobody challenges the irrationality of her commands and will continue to allow themselves to be controlled.

Women can be abusive too. I've known a few. When I hear men say, "she's always right" about their partners, that makes my red flag antennae go up. Women can hide their abusiveness better than men too, by playing the victim or extreme feminism.

I think a lot of abused men are afraid to admit it or speak up because of how it might look.

Well thats one of the stupidest takes I've ever seen on here. Congratulations.

Of course there can be controlling women and men, and it can manifest itself in many different ways.
(Another issue I often see is people who were brought up in an especially indulged manner, and they can end up appearing controlling in relationships because they have unrealistically high expectations/demands of a partner.)

Look up the statistics for sex crimes in the UK.

🙄

I actually cried watching the TV documentary about it. It was absolutely awful. My DH was in an abusive relationship for 12 years and it was so sad that he recognised many of the behaviours on the documentary. Thankfully his situation wasn't as bad as this. He was also abused by his biological mother. We've lived in our house for nearly 3 years now and recently he told me that living here is the first time in the 35 years he's been alive that he's felt safe in his own home.

I can't believe there are people who think women can't be controlling or abusive. I've seen the damage it does. I think especially for men, they are embarrassed about it which is why they don't report it as readily.

Sounds like you've met my mother!

Same ive seen far more controlling women.

I know a man that was in a controlling relationship for 5 years.
Was not to have female friends not to look at women.
Not to have any SM Not allowed to have any smart phone call & text only for work.
Not to eat any foods that come from animals.
Not allowed to watch somethings on tv due to women being in it.
Not to talk to his brother because she didnt like him or his mum only see his mum once a month for about 30 mins she was with him at all times apart from work.
He worked 12 hours a day 5 days a week and had all the house work to do when he got home.
Getting about 4-5 hours asleep a night.
She had control of his bank card and all money.
He paid all bills done all the cooking.
He was not to go to his dads funeral because real men dont cry or need to talk about how they feel. He did go but she was fuming.
While she cheated on him when he was at work and sold arse picks online and refused to work.
He went from 10 stone to under 7 stone and she still called him fat and abusive.
She would hit him but say she was only mucking about.
He was just a shell of who he was sickening to see.
That was not half of it.
His mum and brother told him to leave but with so much control he didnt know how to.
He left work one day after a talk with a work mate that dropped him off at his mums and he just broke down.
His brother and a few work mates went to her house the same day and got all his things out.

He did go to the police and got a restraining order she got 4 months in jail.
He had evidence of all what was happening and the police woman said most men wont come forward because whos gonna believe a woman can be so hurtful and they are very good at twisting things.

Anyway hes a lot better now and a lot happier and healthier.

Yes, if a woman is just trying to keep the balls in the air (get kids to school on time, get people fed on time), I don't think that counts.

By controlling, I mean women who erode their partner's sense of self and who control their lives in an unreasonable way.

Thank you everyone for the replies. These are really interesting viewpoints.

I know plenty of controlling men and women.

I would say on the whole though men are more insidious and dangerous with it though. I think that a woman might tell a man he can't have female friends (for example) whereas a man will cut off entire support systems and isolate away from family and friends (for example).

..... I know of a couple of controlling men, but I don't know of controlling women, so I wondered.

I know someone who said that she once heard her mum hit her dad, when she was a teenager and listening to them arguing upstairs . This was in the 1960s. There would have been even less awareness then.

You’re certainly living up to your user name with this post

Did you go to an all girls school? because in my experience, people who went to all girls schools tend to argue girls can be far worse bullies than boys. People who went to mixed schools are less likely to see that. I think its a combination of no-one being at their best at 14 while most people have grown up by 18 plus

Of course women are and can be controlling. Granted it’s likely different from men where you tend to hear about physical and more volatile forms of control. One of my friends is (in my opinion) very controlling, she checks her DH’s phone, always looks at where he is on find my phone, has forced him to end friendships if she doesn’t like said friends, I think he actually lost a very close friend over it that she blamed on his friend being the opposite sex and fancying him. I’ve no idea why he puts up with it.