Do you know of women who are controlling? Are there equal numbers of controlling men and women in relationships?

[Nylla]

I was wondering if people know of women who are controlling with their husbands/partners.

I hear more about controlling men. But I was wondering if there are just as many women.

My experience is the complete opposite.

I find both nature and values/nurture seem to make so many men possessive, controlling, territorial, entitled and dominant.

So many always seem to think they are entitled to dominance by dint of just bring (on average) physically bigger etc .

Anecdotally most of the controlling people I know in relationships are men but women are definitely capable of this too. I definitely think it manifests differently in the sexes too. The men I know have somehow positioned themselves as the head of the family and the controlling mind. I don't really see women do this so obviously even when they are controlling. It seems more subtle with women.

My experience is also the opposite that woman can be controlling just as much, how many of us grew up with a controlling or abusive mother.

I think we need to define controlling.

Do we mean towards a partner/in a romantic relationship, or do we mean in general?

I guess rates depend on how the term is being deployed. Controlling to achieve dominance or nagging to coerce a partner into inputting a fair share of domestic labour. I expect that looks different between the sexes but perhaps similar if you couldn't differentiate.

She’s clear on her op, she’s says to husbands partners, but in many of our experience someone who treats a partner like that, also does it to others, because they can. Particularly children.

I dont think i know any genuinely controlling people, but I think a lot of men present as being quite easy going, but ime they are easy going only as long as things are going their way. I know a lot of women who appear to be running the show in their relationships but actually they are just the ones organising everything day to day and keeping all the balls in the air.

Yes, but does that make him stop when he wants another or does he roll his eyes at you?

@Babyboomtastic\s point that So the 'under the thumb' men are sometimes in a controlling relationship, other times their strategic incompetence is being managed to try to equalise the workload of both partners. There's a line there somewhere.

is completely right. There are lots of women who get accused of being controlling etc, when really, they're just trying to get through the day with a man child. That's not controlling, that's settling for a useless man.

Controlling is when the victim either physically or emotionally feels they must do certain things or suffer consequences, or can't do certain things or suffer consequences, often with a double standard built in that their partner doesn't have the same restrictions.

So lots of people will say a woman is controlling because she kicked off because he wanted to go out with the football lads, but if she's 3 months post partum, has another child of toddler age and is stuck at home 24/7 and he's been working late and/or in the pub and/or taking part in multiple hobby evenings, then is it really controlling when she has a meltdown because he yet again wants to go out leaving her literally holding the baby, again. And probably also the ne xt day while he nurses his hangover?

I think people who are flippantly saying women are controlling because they want things done their way have no idea what a truly abusive controlling relationship - F2M or M2F - really looks like. It's complete fear that you won't be talked to for a week because you talked to the wrong person at a party. It's paranoia when the train is delayed because you'll be accused of cheating. It's trying to hide that you bought the DC a McDonalds as the passive aggressive snide comments aimed at you to the kids will go on for days. It's the sinking fear ahead of any family event because you know they will find some way to make it unbearable and you'll have to put a smiling face on it. It's going to bed earlier or later than you want to because the guilt trip that you want to sleep at a different time isn't worth it. It's worrying every time you hear the key in the door to see what kind of mood the other person will be when they come in becuase that will impact everyone for the rest of the day.

My mother

She met and married my father

He had to give up his career dreams,hobbies,friends,social life,wages-you name it,he gave it up

She lost 3 babies before having me,then my brother-all his fault that she lost the 3 babies and then his fault they had me (a girl) then a boy (should have been boy first)

She then fell pregnant with twins (his fault again)

She controls everything-his hobbies,the time he has to be home (if he's allowed out),food he eats,clothes he wears,his beliefs,what he spends the tiny amount of pocket money she let's him have,the amount of beer he's allowed to drink,what flowers he can plant in the garden and where-you name it-she control's it

He won't walk away,he's too scared,weak minded and couldn't cope without her

They both don't seem to think there's anything wrong with all this

@GerbilsForever24 Ive felt like that from my ex husband and from my mum. I think their are many people who’ve had abusive mothers.

I was coming on to say the same.

For women, controlling behaviour is seen as 'caring' or 'concern'.

Yes, I think that abusive women are more likely to be successful in their abuse towards children so that is, sadly, not surprising to me at all.

People on here have literally said not wanting your ILs to feed your child caffeine is controlling. So yes, we need a definition. Are we going off the MN definition, where everyone (usually a DIL or man) is controlling by default, of the actual definition?

By the normal definition, there are plenty of each. My mother was controlling and awful.

This. It's like how "nagging" is a brilliant way to shut women down when they're just asking for an equal amount of participation in the home.

I think we've probably all met women who lean towards controlling behaviours - that woman in the office who practically has a live feed of their partner's whereabouts scrolling across her desk, for example - but the litmus test is whether or not their partners' feel obliged/guilted/scared into constantly submitting vs the man who knows she's tracking him but just carries on regardless.

Any abuser is 100% to blame. But it's also true that abusers need victims and women are more likely to become victims. So it's entirely possible that the potential for controlling behaviours is equally present in men and women, but in relationships, it's more likely to actually happen with men controlling women.

I have met many controlling women but only a very few men.

In my experience women are called controlling when they are calling their abusive partners out for grievous wrongdoing, and used as a way to counter affairs, lying and drug/alcohol dependence. Then the gaslighting kicks in, followed by blame for said affairs, lying and drug/alcohol dependence. The cherry on the cake is the ‘playing the victim card, and the women spending years in suspended belief trying to figure out if she is the abusive psychopath or if the other person did an absolute number on her. I don’t really know too many controlling women in real life, but many men.

Women in my experience at work can be terrible bullies, and some men.

I think women are just more likely to report it if it’s a man. I reported my ex husband because he was aggressive. I never reported my mum because she neglected and controlled me. Why do women need to know where their partners are all the time, that’s weird and controlling. Why does it matter if the other person is effected or not, how does anyone know how they are feeling. Why do women also need to nag all the time to get their partner to help out. You ask for help if you need it and pick a partner who doesn’t need begging because they do their share. Just be direct and ask, too many mind games going on.

@Whilstbabysleeps youre describing dysfunctional relationships and you don’t always know what you’re getting into in the beginning, that’s tantamount to victim blaming for choosing and abuser.

The last thing and I’m sure I speak for many, is wanting to give a fuck what you’re partner/husband/boyfriend is doing because there are far more important things to be getting in with. The only time, and you can see it on the relationship boards for doubting is because there is good reason too. The relationship is obviously over at that point as it’s toxic.

So, just to clarify, you think women can be bullies at work, but not at home? That it’s always the man’s fault at home, and that no woman controls or abuses either her partner or kids. This is what you believe?

@Sillystrumpet if that’s how you wish to interpret what I say, go right ahead.

@Betterbuckleupbarbara Ive been in an abusive relationship, 12 years married to one. One of my biggest regrets was not accepting him for who he was from the very start hoping I could change him, control him I guess you could say. I’m not victim blaming at all and I’ve only my experience to base my opinion on. I was raised by neglect and taught to accept and people please my way out of things. It’s a form of control, trying to control others instead of myself and dealing with my insecurities. I think this happens a lot.

do some posters think this sort of thing is made up? Or somehow an aberration? And I won’t link to the abuse of little children, like star, from women.

https://metro.co.uk/2023/02/25/violent-wife-jailed-after-abusing-her-husband-for-over-20-years-18348715/

@Whilstbabysleeps that makes sense to me, I can relate to that. I think there is a difference, you may disagree (?), that having awareness of how you are negatively impacting someone by trying to control the environment on order to feel safe is different to someone who is being outright abusive. There is a fine line I think, and being in an abusive relationship causes so much trauma and self doubt and blame is just one outcome.

She's not saying women are never Abu so be, especially in the context of children. You will not find anyone who claims that, ever

She said that women are sometimes mislabelled when they are reacting to a male partners bullshit. This is sometimes called reactive abuse, but can just be plain old gaslighting.

She made two separate points.

@Betterbuckleupbarbara Im not sure it’s so black and white. My ex had a very sensitive rejection button. He felt unsafe although it was perceived and his reaction was out of control. He was trying to regain control by making me the problem. It wasn’t intentional in my case. Others I’m sure are nasty and intentionally. But still it wasn’t nice to be on the other side.