Do you know of women who are controlling? Are there equal numbers of controlling men and women in relationships?

[Nylla]

I was wondering if people know of women who are controlling with their husbands/partners.

I hear more about controlling men. But I was wondering if there are just as many women.

Absolutely.

And it's everywhere. I think driving is a good barometer of a controlling nature.

If you find yourself constantly commenting on your partners driving, telling them the light is changing, that they need to turn here, park there. If you are doing this, you ARE the controlling one.

Yes quite a few. My friends DS has gone NC with her and most of his friends since meeting his partner. She has lots of undiagnosed health problems that demand his attention and time. Its very difficult for his family.
DH’s friend wife talks to him like he’s a piece of shit and he does whatever he’s told.
My own DM used to throw strops with her partners for absolutely ridiculous reasons. She had one much younger boyfriend who she used to scratch and give Chinese burns to at night if he did something to upset her in the day. I’d regularly wake up in the night hearing him yelling at her to stop and leave him alone.

I think there are loads of women who act in controlling ways, but men generally have more choice/power to do something about it. On the whole, a man is not going to be scared physically nor without the financial means to leave, as women often are.

Yes of course there are lots of controlling women and I think a huge amount of the general population have normalised a lot of toxic relationship behaviours, so it'd be strange not to see that played out in women as well.

I'd be surprised if it was equal numbers though, as the power dynamics between men and women are still in men's favour, and there are still double standards in expectations in relationships socially.

Yes, lots of women are controlling. I think possibly more than men although that’s based on my observation only as it’s impossible to measure. My aunt was extremely controlling to my uncle, still is. It’s very sad- he should leave her but like many victims of domestic abuse he doesn’t feel able to leave.

Violence isn't unique to male people but there are massive differences between how men and women behave. Men are responsible for around 99% of sex crimes and 80% of violent crime.

So while there are bound to be some women who are controlling, the fact that men are generally bigger, stronger and with a greater propensity for violence isn't just something that we can ignore.

As women, we're taught to be kind and reasonable from a very young age, so of course we fall over ourselves to be self-deprecating and to centre men at all times. But we live in a society where men as a class have more money, more power and more control.

Statistically, when women are in a bad place they are more likely to take it out on themselves than on other people.

Tell that to all the men who are ruined financially by divorce.

You're talking about a tiny percentage of men. The vast majority have no more resourced to leave than we do.

I don’t think it’s as simple as that. People often struggle to leave these long term relationships due to the psychological hold their partner has over them. I have a family member who hits her husband- he would never hit her back as he (1) is afraid of her and (2) has been brought up not to hit women. But he does a physical job and is physically stronger by far.

i think controlling behaviour in women can be different from men’s. Women tend to exert power and control and gain access to resources by their relationships (both romantic and wider family) more than men do. That’s ripe for creating and fostering controlling personalities.

The controlling wome are not the ones who are being abused.

And statically, even at the extreme end, where we double the number of reported sex crimes, and also assume there are no repeat offenders, so all reported incidents are by different men, cast the net as wide as possible. It's less than two percent of the male population.

98% of men are not violent or predatory or raping or attacking anyone.

The problems I've had in my life in respect of bullying, harassment and controlling behaviour have come from other women.

But nobody reports that.

@Hereyoume I'm afraid you are kidding yourself if you think 98% of men are not violent or predatory. And if you're so wrong about that then I'm not sure I trust your other statements.

And women can hold the threat of telling the police he hit her over a man's head , knowing the police will believe her . She can also threaten to throw him out and rinse him . It can work both ways .

I can vouch for this. The biggest ever control freak I met was a high school teacher, she could put marine drill Sargents to shame. She controlled every last detail of her husband and children’s lives, quite successfully, until the children flew the nest.

Her tools of the trade were victimhood, tears, guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, coercion through sex and alcohol, and outright bribery.

She was, in short, an expert at what she did - the abuse, not the teaching.

The teaching simply allowed her more of the control she so craved, and what better place to have control than over dozens of children at your mercy, where you are the authority, and no one is allowed to challenge you! It’s perfect.

There are a lot of kind and wonderful teachers.
Then there is the sort I described above, a lot of them.

I believe it’s a profession that draws just as many controlling types as say, law enforcement.

I hope this is looked into more. These people need to be screened out.

Women are awful to other women a lot of the time and absolutely can be controlling. I’d same more so then men as they have the balance of physical power against them so use other methods.

This is bullshit, there doesn't need to be violence in a relationship for it to be abusive and controlling but women can also be violent. Such a victim blaming comment.

Also nursing and caring. It’s interesting seeing what jobs the bullies at school have gone on to do.

Absolutely they can be as psychologically and emotionally controlling. But generally women don't have as much financial leverage as men (because of patriarchy) or physical leverage (because of biology).

But I've seen first hand how my dad's partner has emotionally and psychologically bullied him for years.

I then the situation can be a bit more complicated with women sometimes.

Some men do act like an additional child, and get treated that way by their partner. The woman 'shouldn't' treat him like a child, but equally, he shouldn't act like one either.

So a lot of micromanagement, and where the line is between that and controlling, I don't have a clue. Things are very equal between my husband and I, but I probably micromanage him more domestically than the other way round. He's more likely to forget things that we need at a grocery shop etc, so I tend to give him a list more than he does to me.

It often is the woman organising things socially, or with his family, doing the mental load of family life. Many women are left with the option of doing it all themselves, sitting back and watching things be forgotten, kids upset etc, or taking charge and delegating specific tasks - which always feels a bit controlly.

So the 'under the thumb' men are sometimes in a controlling relationship, other times their strategic incompetence is being managed to try to equalise the workload of both partners. There's a line there somewhere.

Yes I do. I know a lot a women who are controlling but the worst of them all is one who kept his boyfriend at home and encouraged him not to work. She picked his clothes saying he was unable to dress properly and did the same with the food. She cooked him the meals or chose the items on the menu in resturants. He had no friends and didn't go out unless with her friends. He wasn't allowed to speak to his mother or his siblings unless she was present.

Plenty of men do vice versa.

Look at that school teacher whose husband murdered her and their daughter.

He'd reported her for hitting him.

It's a common technique among male abusers to threaten (or follow through) on telling the police she's violent.

Me too. In my experience it is just as common for a woman to be controlling/abusive.

Have a look at the step-parenting board. The majority of the parents who act like they own their children and have the right to dictate when and if the other parent gets to see them are women.

I definitely know more controlling women than men.

Yes of course they can - I can be guilty of it myself but I'm aware of it and try and keep myself in check.

I don't mean to the extent where I'm stopping him going out or anything - but he is a bit of a drinker and I'll say things like "haven't you had enough to drink" when he wants another, things like that.

There are plenty of controlling women, they are often just more subtle about how they do it. They manipulate better than men do ime.

You don’t need simply those two. Women leverage in other ways, often the kids, or wider family.