What would you do ?

[Livinginlimbo24]

I have changed my name for this post. Recently my husband has been very snappy and we have been arguing a lot. We are married for 6 years and have one 3 year old DC. DH told me about a month ago that he is probably clinically depressed, he threatened to leave at that time , saying that he finds parenting really “boring”and that he finds life with me and are DC really unexciting . I was obviously very upset. We have had a hard few years, have been trying for another baby unsuccessfully with secondary infertility and a traumatic miscarriage. We recently went through an ivf cycle and have frozen embryos which we are obviously not going to use at the moment.
Putting it down to depression I’ve stayed to support him, he just started medication and therapy. We have talked about moving back to the city we used to live in as we moved to a rural area before we got married (due to house prices) and he says this has made him feel isolated . He keeps saying he isn’t sure what the source of the depression is, if it’s me and our DC or if something else is the cause. He also keeps saying he doesn’t know if moving to the city is the solution. I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to be supportive but it’s really hard, I have me and my DC to think about ,the whole thing is really upsetting. I don’t really want to discuss this in real life with anyone. Just looking for some words of wisdom I suppose if anyone has them.

I'm afraid this made me really quite angry. What does he mean he finds parenting "umexciting" ? That he finds you and your child unexciting ? How immature is he? Has he any knowledge of real life?
It sounds as though he is making it all about him. His feelings.
I feel so much sympathy for you. You are parenting a child and parenting your partner. Don't get me wrong: as some one with vast experience of mental health issues myself I know how real they can be. But it sounds as though in this relationship you are being made responsible for things not living up to his expectations.

Depression can be awful and totally change your outlook on life and emotions.
You have been trying for another child was this something he really wanted also. If so I would say stick in there as it would seem the depression has change him and with help he could go back to his old self. It really hard to live with someone with depression I have been there but things can get better. Xxx

Leave him.
I'm a life-long depressive.
He is being very cruel to you.

Three year olds are fantastic! They are cute and funny and amazing and interesting and absolutely not unexciting. I could not live with someone who told me my child was unexciting never mind them saying their child was unexciting.

Thank you all for your replies. I know I absolutely adore my 3 year old and I was heartbroken when DH spoke like this about them. I had no idea he found parenting so hard as he did say he wanted another child when we started trying and didn’t mention any of this. It makes me feel like all the heartbreak from trying was unnecessary as it seems he didn’t want another in the first place. Another issue I should have mentioned is that my husband has had chronic pain for a couple of years which may have contributed. He has had surgery which unfortunately didn’t work, the pain is manageable but still there. However he is not putting the depression down to the chronic pain and keeps saying it might be because of me and my dc because life is not as exciting as it was before we had our dc. I’m trying to get by day by day and support him but after him threatening to leave it’s kind of hard to pretend things are normal.

Agree I was really upset about him saying it was “unexciting “. A lot of weekends I’ve been bringing my kid out to children’s events/activities on my own because it’s easier doing that than having DH hanging around sighing and looking really bored.

What a child you are married to. Not a man in any sense.

I couldn’t forgive if the father of my child called them unexciting, it’s cruel and undeserving.
I am sick of reading here about “depressed” dads who can’t bear the responsibility of what they have created willingly, expecting the mums to always always pick up the slack.
If finances are not an issue, I would seek some space if I was you to be honest.

@RadRad it’s not all black and white. When our dc was very little he was actually very supportive we shared all responsibilities including night time feeds etc when I was on mat leave. I feel like things have just deteriorated recently. Finances are not really an issue as I am working in an ok job and could probably manage on my own, though obviously it would be hard. However I am reluctant to just throw in the towel if this behaviour is due to mental health issues and is fixable .

I think people are being harsh. If he is struggling with MH then some compassion is needed. At times parenting can be boring and it messes relationships a lot, focus on the child and not each other.

make sure you are doing date nights etc and being there for each other. We all say things we don’t mean or are taken the wrong way. Love my kids to bits but at times they drive me crazy too.

kids can be tough for mum and dad for many reasons.

This is how it should be OP, the way he was at the beginning, he doesn’t deserve a medal for it, it’s literally his job as a parent to look after his child until they are independent really, and even after that, if there are MH issues, what is he doing about it? It’s your call OP, but you asked the Q and I answered objectively. Good luck x

“Having a mental health issue” is not a get out of jail free card though. If I break my leg I still have to work—I would work around it. If I am depressed, or anxious, I still have to take the trash out, and care for my child and spouse.

He is a grown man—if he identifies the problem he has a duty to solve it. Not just look up in the air, sigh, and say he is bored.

In addition boredom is a symptom, not a mental health condition. Its a symptom of disengagement and disinterest in your child, you, and your marriage.

Agree I didn’t say he deserved a medal. And he is getting therapy and is on antidepressants.

Thank you all for your replies. All of which have been helpful, whether harsh or not they are appreciated. I suppose I don’t know what to do. Whether to sell and move and get another mortgage in the city with him in the hope this will improve things. Or leave the relationship which is much easier said than done…

Mental health issues aside, this idea that life is unexciting and that he can't decide if the problem is you and the DC is such an unacceptable outlook for him to have. Essentially what he is saying is that you and the DC were supposed to facilitate a certain lifestyle with a pre-required level of entertainment and you haven't lived up to that so now he's unhappy. It's incredibly dehumanising to place this burden on you and the DC. Treating you both like objects that exist only in his orbit and taking absolutely no responsibility for his part in creating the life he currently has.

He could be trying to get you to end the relationship so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

I think the main thing you need to do now is prioritise yourself and the DC. If he is able to sort himself out and you both can move forward taking equal responsibility for what your life together looks like, that is great, but you need to prioritise yourself for any eventuality.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

This might sound petty but I am really resentful about the ivf and I don’t know how I will get past it. The fact is I paid for the whole thing , we discussed it at length before going through with it and decided together to do it. I had the fortune of being left money (not a huge amount but it funded it) by a relative and spent a considerable amount of money on it. I’m not by any means rich so this was a huge decision. I wish he had told me all this before we went through with it because to me that was a lot of money , that I could have spent on making life better for me and my dc going it alone. When I say this to him he says “why do you keep going on about money when our relationship might be lost” etc .

Basically when someone has fucked around with us we feel fucked over. He does not want to be responsible for this parenting life with you. He pretended he did—and encouraged the IVF and the three year old—but somewhere along the line he actually changed his mind and did not tell you. I expect that when he drops all pretense of making this relationship work he will miraculously stop being depressed.

@pikkumyy77 thank you for your reply. I feel this is an accurate statement to a degree. I just don’t know what to do now. I’ve been with my DH since I was 23 and im
in my late 30s now so it’s not like we rushed into anything. We have had our ups and downs over the years . I never imagined he would threaten to leave me and my 3 year old though. It’s horrible. Also my mum was really sick with cancer during the year and has only just improved after being very poorly for months. My family would be really upset by this if it came to light to be honest , I have a good support structure but don’t want to burden them with this.

just to add that DH is self employed. His job is not as secure as mine , in that the work varies , some months he has lots of work and other months he has no work. He suggested moving abroad to a non English speaking country a couple of years ago. I didn’t want to at the time because it would involve me basically giving up my job (it would be impossible for me to do my job in another country without being fluent in the language) and I feel he has held this against me as well. He suggested me giving up my job at the time. I didn’t want to give up my job and have to rely on him for income because some months he has no work. He said this implies I don’t trust him.

saying that he finds parenting really “boring”and that he finds life with me and are DC really unexciting

Did you ask him what he was comparing this against? Or who?

@Diycheater he keeps saying he doesn’t know what the “solution” is to ending his unhappiness. He did make comments about how he is not “cut out “ for parenting living in the “most boring place ever” but hasn’t suggested what the solution actually is

Moving and giving up your job and getting another mortgage are all things that would tie you to him even more. Yet he has threatened to leave.

Would you describe your life as exciting before you had your child? I would be quite concerned about the comparisons he is making. Have you independently verified that he is not involved with anyone else?

Maybe I am not very tolerant but I wouldn’t be hanging around to support someone who is saying such things and is suggesting that I am the cause of his depression.

Do you think this is the depression talking, or are you worried that he actually really feels this way, and it is why he is depressed? There's a difference.

If it is the former, he needs your support to come through it, and if he is having therapy and medication all well and good. But if it is the latter, then perhaps there is no future for the relationship.

You have been with him for a long time that doesn’t really tell us how committed he is to you—but how committed you have been to him. It sounds like he has fantasized about another/different life for a few years and when you didn’t go along with it (very sensibly) he held it against you. This is not the sign of a healthy relationship. The baby and the IVF all sound like they seemed a sign of commitment but they may just be a way he papered over his discontent.

@Diycheater have not verified this but I’m pretty much 100 percent certain he isn’t. Recently he is just at home all the time , never goes anywhere or sees anyone or goes out unless it’s bringing the dc somewhere . He has friends that don’t live too far and he never bothers even going to see them anymore. Plus he works from home.