What would you do ?

[Livinginlimbo24]

I have changed my name for this post. Recently my husband has been very snappy and we have been arguing a lot. We are married for 6 years and have one 3 year old DC. DH told me about a month ago that he is probably clinically depressed, he threatened to leave at that time , saying that he finds parenting really “boring”and that he finds life with me and are DC really unexciting . I was obviously very upset. We have had a hard few years, have been trying for another baby unsuccessfully with secondary infertility and a traumatic miscarriage. We recently went through an ivf cycle and have frozen embryos which we are obviously not going to use at the moment.
Putting it down to depression I’ve stayed to support him, he just started medication and therapy. We have talked about moving back to the city we used to live in as we moved to a rural area before we got married (due to house prices) and he says this has made him feel isolated . He keeps saying he isn’t sure what the source of the depression is, if it’s me and our DC or if something else is the cause. He also keeps saying he doesn’t know if moving to the city is the solution. I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to be supportive but it’s really hard, I have me and my DC to think about ,the whole thing is really upsetting. I don’t really want to discuss this in real life with anyone. Just looking for some words of wisdom I suppose if anyone has them.

I'd suggest he leaves for a bit ..a trial separation.
You have been supportive of his depression but you are not his emotional punch bag.
I'm feisty..I'd be telling him that his "depression" is very boring to you and DC and you'd like him gone for a bit so you and DC can have a more exciting time....
If you can't bring yourself to chuck him out for a bit I'd be grey rocking him...get on with your life, act as of your single parent.
Let him mope about being miserable.
But do not do a pick me dance..it's not your role in life to make everything perfect for him.

He should go and find himself a more exciting life. Ask him to leave and he can get his exciting life. Depression and mental health issues are awful to live with, but it doesn't mean he gets to treat you like shit. You've been nothing but supportive to him, but it really isn't your job to make him happy. Only he can do that. Also you should be constant putting your own happiness, and that of your dc to try and make him feel better. Once in a while, but mot over a prolonged period.

Counselling works of both of you want to commit to making the relationship work. How do you think he'll react if the counsellor puts the ball in his court and asks him how he's going to improve the relationship, what of she suggests he compromises and does things to make you happy?

You sound lovely and very caring, he on the other hand sounds manipulative and self obsessed. Dangling over your head that his depression might be you and your dc, that's very cruel, and he knows exactly what he's saying. The ivf and him now having different thoughts about it, words fail me.
Next time he starts I'd say I have 1 child already, I don't need an adult sized one too, commit to your therapy and working towards improving your mood as I'm finding your self obsessed blame game boring and tedious.

No not worth it in this situation.

OP tell him to fuck off. Tell him to look forward to parenting on his own for half the time - that’ll make life really exciting for him won’t it? Don’t put up with this shit. Tell him to leave.

Please don't feel crap about yourself. That his plan. You've got nothing to feel crap about. However, you will feel a lot better when you don't have to live with him anymore.

No. Unless you need help getting through to him it is over.

I feel a bit like a single parent anyway at the weekends now. He does most of the runs to the nursery with dc during the week because he is self employed but as soon as I’m home from work I take over. At weekends I bring dc out swimming and to playgrounds etc. I’ve stopped asking him to come because he mopes around and plays games on his phone etc. I feel like he has turned into a different person, we used to have fun together. I don’t know how a separation would work we have a mortgage and rent is extortionate where we live.

You cannot stay together for financial and practical reasons. You get ONE life and you have a duty to your dc to show them a good relationship and how to deal with conflict. Hopefully life is too long to waste it being unhappy.

Couples therapy doesn't work if one person is focusing on manufactured problems because they won't admit what the real issue is. That just leads to more mind games. And yes, it doesn't work if one person isn't on board. Both have to want to make it work.

With my ex, I tried talking to him in a non-confrontative way, saying that if he did have someone else then please would he simply be up-front with me and we could end the marriage sensibly. That attitude worked slightly better but in the end he was too afraid of being the bad guy and would not confess or do anything else to end things himself. With my current partner I think it would work better: he is able to admit that he is not perfect. What is this guy like? Any chance you could get him to admit it, if his head was turned or he wanted out?

I don’t know how a separation would work we have a mortgage and rent is extortionate where we live.
Ask if he knows anyone who might put him up for a couple of months?

Maybe frame it as wanting to give him his freedom so he does not feel trapped, and giving him a more exciting bachelor life as he is bored with you. Suggest that he goes to the city so he can work out if he would be happier living there. Say that if he moves out, he will find out if you and his child really are the cause of his depression. Make your suggestion a direct reaction to the complaints he has openly expressed so that he can't say you are being unreasonable/unsupportive as you are clearly trying to help him.

He is out of order with what he has said but if he is in chronic pain, he is suffering in a different way. He is probably just expressing everything badly.
He needs to get professional help with his pain and depression in order for you to all to move forward - either together or apart.

Thanks all. @80s that is good advice. He will be away for a few days later in the month. Will be interesting to see how I feel when he is not here (he never goes anywhere)