What would you do ?

[Livinginlimbo24]

I have changed my name for this post. Recently my husband has been very snappy and we have been arguing a lot. We are married for 6 years and have one 3 year old DC. DH told me about a month ago that he is probably clinically depressed, he threatened to leave at that time , saying that he finds parenting really “boring”and that he finds life with me and are DC really unexciting . I was obviously very upset. We have had a hard few years, have been trying for another baby unsuccessfully with secondary infertility and a traumatic miscarriage. We recently went through an ivf cycle and have frozen embryos which we are obviously not going to use at the moment.
Putting it down to depression I’ve stayed to support him, he just started medication and therapy. We have talked about moving back to the city we used to live in as we moved to a rural area before we got married (due to house prices) and he says this has made him feel isolated . He keeps saying he isn’t sure what the source of the depression is, if it’s me and our DC or if something else is the cause. He also keeps saying he doesn’t know if moving to the city is the solution. I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to be supportive but it’s really hard, I have me and my DC to think about ,the whole thing is really upsetting. I don’t really want to discuss this in real life with anyone. Just looking for some words of wisdom I suppose if anyone has them.

@DrJonesIpresume this is exactly the problem. I don’t know if it is the depression talking or not. I’m just getting really fed up of it all at this stage .

If you love where you live and it suits you & your dc, I would be very wary of moving back to the city only on the hope it will improve his mh. It would be rubbish to leave and then find he takes his problems with him.

This isn't depression talking. He needs to step up. You were absolutely right not to give up your job and make yourself reliant on him. He's not giving you any reasons to 'trust him' either with providing reliable income or with being a reliable parent in the tough times.

I don’t absolutely love where we live I don’t know anyone living nearby. I have some close friends and family living a short drive away and my child seems happy here. I regularly drive to see friends/family at the weekends and chat to my friends regularly on WhatsApp etc. He hardly meets anyone anymore.

The thing is my husband was always a sociable person and we socialised a lot more in the city with his friends . I also socialised with his friends and their girlfriends when we lived in the city. Plus we travelled a lot more to places I wouldn’t bring my dc when he is this small (not worth it in my opinion plus don’t have as much money) But before we had DC we were obviously going to socialise and travel a lot more anyway.

thanks for saying this. I agree about not giving up my job and I certainly won’t be doing so now. He made a comment that I am “living in fear “ because I didn’t want to give up my career and move abroad. I don’t know like it’s not that easy to just give up a good job you have worked really hard for and become financially reliant on someone in a country where you know no one . Does this make me a person “living in fear ?” Or would most women in my position feel the same ?

Because he wants and expects you to fix his unhappiness.

FWIW the decision to leave is usually worse than the reality.

Someone suggested he could be doing all this in the hope that I will leave so he doesn’t look like the bad one. I do have suspicions of this I have to admit. I don’t know though, I don’t have first hand experience of depression. He said his therapist has said it is common for people with depression to feel like leaving everything behind and escaping would cure their depression.

You'd be nuts to move abroad to be dependent on him. If it didn't work out for you, you could be stuck out there if he wanted to stay and refused to let you take your child.

You should only move abroad if you're excited to do it and there are no worries that the relationship is solid. I wouldn't go with a depressed man who blames me and his child for his state of mind.

I've done both, moving countries with small child and refusing to move countries due to small child. And moving countries with larger children.
Its hardly living in fear, to see the pitfalls and seeing if they outweigh the positives.

Anyway the way you describe him is that he wants to be the sole person you rely on, whilst not being reliable. I mean how stupid is that.

Add that if he wanted to move countries, pre children was the time to say this.

It all sounds so messy and vaguely abusive.

I reckon he just wants you to be the bad guy and end it, so end it.

It absolutely is normal to feel like running away - and I say that as someone who has suffered with depression for years. I recognise though that its exactly that - a feeling and it will pass, some days are just tough.
Is he also early/mid 30's? IME this is when some men start their midlife crisis. Some buy a sports car, some put bomb under the family. Mine chose the bomb and completely checked out of parenting, you know what though? I'm absolutely fine now and raising 2 wonderful children! Please don't accept him blaming you and DC for his 'depression', it really isn't you 2. X

Tell him that it might be unexciting being married and a parent.

And yes he can opt out of being married, but he can't opt out of being a parent and if you split he will have DS 50% of the time.

So get his head out his ass and sort his shit out!!

@Alicehatter thank you. I can understand him blaming me in a way but the fact he has brought our dc into it who is so sweet and innocent makes me so sad. He is mid 30s.

This! ^^

I think you are being fkd over.
What would he have done if you suddenly started throwing the mental health card and basically gave up on everything familial.

From behind the sofa with my hard hat on ….
This “mental health” ticket is used far too often as a get-out clause.

Im sorry you’re having to put up with his boredom whining. Give him six months or a year to continue with his medication and therapy and see where you’re at then. Don’t waste your life with someone who finds you, your little one and family life with you “boring”.

Is it possible he's had his head turned?

Nothing duller and making his life miserable more than a wife and family when a man's got his eye on someone else.

Absolutely, it's heartbreaking! Mine went from a loving, engaged dad, to barely any contact after he left. Spends most of his free time out drinking and having some kind of fun with a child-free woman. Both our DC were 100% planned by both of us too, so I find it really difficult that someone can just decide 'na, this isn't for me'. Where would the kids be if the RP decided the same! As a PP has said, I'd be the bad guy he wants me to be and send him on his way. At the very least it may give him the kick up the arse he needs. If it doesn't, then he loses out on your wonderful child! You can do it. X

@Needanewnamebeingwatched i did remind him that his parenting duties will remain even if he leaves at the time when he was threatening to and he said “See , so I am sort of trapped ?” He has suggested feeling trapped a few times. I told him I’d rather he left than stayed and remained feeling trapped.

What a child.

@Alicehatter that is unreal the best of luck to him and the woman he is with . Do you think is it better for your dc since you split up ? On another note dh doesn’t get on well with his own family and barely speaks to them, his own dad is a bit of an ignoramus to say the least . I don’t want this family dynamic for my own dc in the future. I wasn’t concerned about this before now as I see my Dh as his own person separate from his family but now worrying for the future.

Honestly, I think the solution is he leaves. It will be hard for you in the short term, but much harder in the longer term if he stays.

Yes absolutely! We are a little more restricted due to finances, but they are happier and the eldest openly tells me so! It was hard at first, but now we have our own routines and are a little team. And he wasn't an arse when he was here!

Honestly, if he's saying things like he feels 'trapped', release him! He doesn't get to have people think he's a good dad/family man if he's throwing statements like that around.

I was unhappy depressed parent without any relatives or friends around ( moved countries) plus my child has additional needs. It was very very tricky and I was telling DH a lot of things: how tired I’m, how exhausted, how I want nothing but sleep etc etc but I never called him or our child boring. I wanted help to enjoy life with them. We were draining in financial difficulties, medical appointments etc etc As a person who’s had mental health issues I can’t recognize your husband’s narrative, sorry, the words he is using look more like “escape from the marriage and parenting duties” card.
Life is difficult and full of responsibilities. If he is so bored when you have home, relatively stable jobs, healthy and happy 3 y.o and some family support what’s going to be if you (god forbid) develop a health issue?
He is trapped????!!!! These words say everything to me.
He is throwing tantrums basically because he has wife and child and needs to consider them and care about them every day. And he doesn’t like this and doesn’t want to do this. He wants out but he want to be the victim hence this depression crap.
And why was the idea of going to this non English speaking country? Is he from there by the way?

Sorry, OP. You sound such a nice caring and supportive person, you don’t deserve this.

I'm going against all the general advice here but will just give my opinion based on experience.

Unfortunately, I have very close friends who suffer from MH issues. One was fully healthy for 40 years, had a big stress in life/situation and got a depressive episode. He completely changed while going through it, completely withdrawn, as if he had no feelings. He made almost a full recovery with medicines and therapy with a Psychiatrist. Now he's mostly OK but still can't handle stress as most people would.

I have another friend who had everything going for her, was even having her wedding, had some issues with relatives and that was enough to push her into depression and not feeling happy about the wedding. Another friend got depression due to IVF failures, ended with no child, broken marriage (due to infertility), then got a chronic illness.

You mentioned that he has a chronic pain, even surgery didn't help. The pain along with the infertility/IVF, not consistent job, would be enough to push some people into depression.

Obviously is not acceptable how he's treating you, but it's hard to know if it's the illness talking. I would go with him to the appointments, encourage him to get treatment and see a phsycologist as well. Sometimes medicines are not enough and they need to learn to control their thoughts through CBT. He can take months to get better, there's no magic pill. It is really important that he does want to get better.

You could give yourself a timeline, try to support his MH treatment for a few months and if you see no improvement then move on.

It was so insulting being called boring. Honestly. Like he has always had a bit of a selfish streak to his personality but I cried a lot when he told me he finds us boring. He isn’t from an another country he just wanted to move abroad for better weather and to experience a different culture I suppose. He is going away on holiday for a few nights on his own later this month. I have agreed to this. I am going to use the break from him to reflect on it all.

@Olivie12 thanks I think this is good advice. I just don’t think I can leave without trying to work on our relationship for a while first while he is on the therapy and treatment. I am finding his attitude so miserable at the moment though.

@Livinginlimbo24 I understand regarding the attitude, it's hard for people without MH to understand. I think that when they are deep in a depressive episode they just see their future bleak and dark, like without hope. They can't see a way out.

It's very hard to deal with and you can't really reason with them or make them understand that things will get better.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it takes a lot of strength and patience to stand by someone with MH issues, but if he wants to get better (as in follow treatment and therapy), things can improve.