What would you do ?

[Livinginlimbo24]

I have changed my name for this post. Recently my husband has been very snappy and we have been arguing a lot. We are married for 6 years and have one 3 year old DC. DH told me about a month ago that he is probably clinically depressed, he threatened to leave at that time , saying that he finds parenting really “boring”and that he finds life with me and are DC really unexciting . I was obviously very upset. We have had a hard few years, have been trying for another baby unsuccessfully with secondary infertility and a traumatic miscarriage. We recently went through an ivf cycle and have frozen embryos which we are obviously not going to use at the moment.
Putting it down to depression I’ve stayed to support him, he just started medication and therapy. We have talked about moving back to the city we used to live in as we moved to a rural area before we got married (due to house prices) and he says this has made him feel isolated . He keeps saying he isn’t sure what the source of the depression is, if it’s me and our DC or if something else is the cause. He also keeps saying he doesn’t know if moving to the city is the solution. I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to be supportive but it’s really hard, I have me and my DC to think about ,the whole thing is really upsetting. I don’t really want to discuss this in real life with anyone. Just looking for some words of wisdom I suppose if anyone has them.

as he is not from this country I think this idea of move is pure fantasy and you were not “living in fear” at all when you refused to move.

@pizzaHeart thank you I feel the same way that it is a fantasy however from the way he was speaking about it , it’s like he things I’m a really boring person for not wanting to up sticks and leave. I feel I’m just being more realistic though.

He sounds an absolute child. You'd be mad to go to another country where you can't speak the language and he can't work because of that. That's not 'living in fear,' it's sensible and looking out for yourself and your DC. But I suppose to him that's boring. 🙄

There's a very pertinent saying, OP, might be from the Buddhists, might be from therapy. It's 'wherever you go, there you are' - in other words, a move to another country isn't going to sort out his issues because they just go with him. He'll have the same issues and problems, just in a different environment. And added to that there'll be a different language, finding work, somewhere to live and settling in.

He keeps saying he isn’t sure what the source of the depression is, if it’s me and our DC or if something else is the cause.
translation: I don't want to directly blame my mood on you as I will look bad so I am just going to suggest it

he says “why do you keep going on about money when our relationship might be lost”
translation: you're a cold-hearted cow who just cares about money, and I am a better person than you

I didn’t want to give up my job and have to rely on him for income because some months he has no work. He said this implies I don’t trust him.
translation: a) the subject of trust has been on my mind recently and b) you are a cold-hearted cow and I am much nicer than you

He made a comment that I am “living in fear “ because I didn’t want to give up my career and move abroad
translation: this is another way in which you are not very nice compared to me

i did remind him that his parenting duties will remain even if he leaves at the time when he was threatening to and he said “See , so I am sort of trapped ?”
translation: another way in which you are not nice is that you made me have children against my will

He is going away on holiday for a few nights on his own later this month.

This is all stuff my exh did/said when having an affair. Made me out to be a horrible person who trapped him. (The attacks distract you from whatever unpleasant thing it is they are doing - you are defending yourself instead of questioning them.) Mine said he was going to therapy/on business trips and in fact went to therapy a couple of times then later just met up with his gf. The "I don't know if", "I'm not sure if" comments were also typical; I think partly because he really couldn't make up his mind whether he was going to leave, and partly because he knew the reasons he was giving were not very believable so didn't want to make them definite claims that I would then question.

Not that yours is definitely doing the same thing. But be aware that a lot of this behaviour fits the Script, so that is one possible scenario to have in the back of your mind. And if he is faithful, having a crisis and feeling depressed - well, on top of that he's also choosing to make unpleasant personal attacks on you and blaming you for his mood.

"he says “why do you keep going on about money when our relationship might be lost”
translation: you're a cold-hearted cow who just cares about money, and I am a better person than you"

I think he knows he's been an arsehole over the money/ivf and is turning it round on her because he doesn't want to admit the full awfulness of his behaviour, because it's important that he's the victim here.

Absolutely.

i know it sounds awful to focus on money at a time like this as dh is depressed. But when I think about the money I spent on that ivf I feel really really annoyed. We only went through with it a few months ago and froze the embryos because we tested them. He told me all of this a couple of weeks after finding out we had some embryos suitable for transfer . Why didn’t he tell me all this before I spent a fortune on it ? And went through all those injections etc. Money I could have spent on a nice holiday for me and my dc or finding somewhere else for us to leave if me and dh split up .

Why didn’t he tell me all this before I spent a fortune on it ?
He had not yet come up with a version of the story that did not make him look like the baddie.

My exh let me make various decisions that put me in a bad position after his affair was revealed, because he could not say "don't do that as I am having an affair and might leave you" and could not think of another argument that would make me realise how important it was for me not to make the decisions.

And it doesn't sound awful at all to focus on money, when you may well be on the brink of seriously needing money.

It doesn't sound awful.

This was a lot of money and more than that, it was for IVF and what that represented for the future of your family.

And the process cost you a lot emotionally and physically as well.

All for him to hand-wave away as just being about money. It's lacking a ton of empathy.

Thank you all for your replies it is appreciated. It’s hard to discuss this with anyone in real life. I actually feel ashamed in a way that I spent all that money and this is after happening. The timing of his announcement was almost comical. I probably didn’t see the signs as much as I should have because I was so focused on the ivf for the last while.

@category12 he does behave sometimes like he is lacking in empathy and can be very selfish . But he is also very thoughtful and kind sometimes as well.

@80s have been reading up on The Script and this does sound very like the script. However I wouldn’t be concerned about an affair at this point as he is just in the house all the time and never meets anyone anymore.

People do also fall in love/conduct an illicit relationship at a distance. Or become depressed when they have decided to end an affair (that may or may not continue later). Like I say, these symptoms can occur for other reasons, but I'd recommend keeping something of this kind on your list of possibilities. An affair - or him wanting out of the relationship for some other reason and trying to make it all your fault. You can remain sympathetic about his depression while entertaining the possibility that none of his accusations are your fault.

@80s i will keep this in mind. He did say that I have been nagging him a lot and that this has contributed too. At times I’ve nagged when he hasn’t much work on and wasn’t doing much housework either. Not perfect myself but I don’t think I deserve this.

all of this sounds familiar to me. My ex h was like this. Turned out he had checked out, slept with a few women including one of my best friends. It was only after he left, he showed an interest in the kids, by which time it was too late, the kids were old enough and not interested. I would say your marriage is over, but he hasn’t got the balls to end it himself, sorry op. But u need to get your ducks in a row and look after yourself and your child. He’s an adult, he can sort himself out and get himself help for his issues.

@northernlight20 sorry to hear that how awful. My dh was unfaithful years and years ago when we were around 24 or something. I stayed and eventually got over it but it took a long long time to get over it. I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t stayed but I was mad about him. I feel like such an idiot.

So he has form, Im willing to bet he’s at it again. Time to cut him loose to enjoy his ‘exciting’ life

You're not an idiot, OP. Life is long and often hard, and you can't possibly anticipate all the ways it will surprise you. You seem very thoughtful and intelligent actually.

Blaming you for his "depression" is pathetic. He finds family life boring because he is having an affair I reckon. My ex said similar things (like "I'm depressed, I can't do this any more" ) a few weeks before he admitted his affair.
Brace yourself OP.

@Littlestminnow thank you for that i appreciate it. I just feel so crap about myself with all this going on .

I also am wondering if he had a recent fling and if that’s what’s causing his “depression” and unrealistic comparisons. A fling can be anything from a full blown affair to secret chats on line.

Betrayers betray. In big ways and small ways. He has betrayed you emotionally with his recent declarations and I would wonder if there was more to it. Cheaters often appear depressed when the fling is over.

we Have had a pretty miserable weekend. He has been snappy and sarcastic and I’ve been snapping back at him to be honest. I’m just so fed up. Is couples therapy even worth it ?

Couples therapy is only worth it if both parties are committed to giving it their all. Otherwise it's just delaying the inevitable.

I'm sorry to say though, as others have said, this does sound like someone who is being/has been unfaithful.