Rhetorical – Husband said if I went to gym x2 evenings a week and left him with our kid; he would do the same out of principle?

[samanthaoritzz]

Had a rhetorical q with my husband last night - I asked if we had a child he would be fine with me going gym twice a week and leaving him at home with our kid. I work from home, and he gets home around 6pm.
He said if I went twice a week - he would go twice a week out of principle and leave me with the child twice a week lmao? how petty is that logic... getting out the house if you have been at home with a child all day I am sure is good for your mental health.... he is seeing it as a personal insult that I am taking advtanage throwing the kid at him as soon as he gets through the door?
Then I made a joke and said you would be too tired to go gym x2 a week anyway (as he is on his feet all day) and he laughed and said well I will keep tallies and build up days/nights to have on my own the same amount you go gym - wtf??

This.

At least you know what you're signing up for if you are daft enough.

This is good! Now you know he’s not the man to have children with. Lots of women don’t find this out until after they’ve had a baby. This is a good thing. Now you know!

Both should have equal amounts of free time - ie. time when they are not working. I include childcare as work for the purposes of this. So if you work all day caring for the child and he works all day at his job both of you should have an equal amount of free time where you can do what you like, whether that be the gym or another hobby or whatever.

Not sure why people are jumping to LTB etcetc. You see this sort of thing recommended on here all the time.
Bloke goes off for a weekend with his mates. People pile on saying when's the OP's weekend with her mates. Book yourself a spa weekend etc.
Same for hobbies. Bloke out 3 nights a week at the gym. Lots of posters asking when do you get three nights off.

So I think it's fair enough. If you want 2 nights out at the gym then he should also get 2 nights to do what he wants to do.

BUT if you feel that he is excessively petty in general and there are other indications that he might not want to pull his weight, don't have children with him.

I'd call this your warning shot.
The gym thing is a red herring. It's the constant chalk board in his brain that will become an issue. In a healthy relationship things should naturally balance out over time and maybe sometimes need a mature productive conversation if things get skewed. It's the competitive hostile balancing that's just weird imho.

That Tit for Tat article posted up-thread by @ManchesterGirl2 is good to skim through, especially the bit about how it should naturally flow.

Your H sounds really petty and transactional, like he would be counting the free minutes you each had, and someone like that would probably be trying to pull one over on you by getting more minutes. It’s telling that this is his focus, rather than trying to figure out when he himself would get to do “parenting”.

He does not sound like good Dad material, is he even good Husband material @samanthaoritzz ?

He doesn't have a point . It's not tit for tat. He should have no issues in his partner going to the gym and looking after the child whilst she's gone and equally if there was anything he wanted to do hobby wise he would also be free to go , it's not about needing to get the same amount of time, out of principle! Two ppl can do their hobbies it doesn't need to be matched like for like , you just need to be considerate of each other. It's not hard to do.

Yeah I think this is problematic.

Workload and free time should be shared between partners, but not in this tit for tat manner - soon as you start playing tit for tat, IMO it's not long before the anger and resentment sets in.

There will be some times in life you carry 80% of the burden and him only 20%, and other times it will be the reverse - because there will be times each of you only have 20% to give. That's how partnership should be.

What id wonder if I were you, is whether or not he's likely to be there for you in these scenarios. If you had PND for example (crossed fingers that you don't!) and found the gym really helpful in clearing your mind but still needed him around the rest of the time - would he just have this tit for tat 'I'll get what I'm due' mentality.

It depends on how he treats you otherwise. If otherwise really well, just keep your eye on it!

When I posted id only read OP and now ive read the updates.

If hes petty and transactional in his approach in general, dont have kids with him. You will be setting yourself up for a nightmare

But surely you would be working too so you will both need downtime and parenting time

It's useful that he's shown this before you conceived, as you can now ensure that you extricate yourself before the

'I work fulltime'

'I work harder than you'

'You just sit on your arse to work, I do physical work - that's real work'

'Ha ha! I don't do nappies, that's your job'

'I'm not ruining my career, you deal with trying to find a job that fits in with childcare'

'I'm not sitting here to facilitate your social life'

'You've been here all day, the house should be immaculate'

'You haven't cleaned the toilet properly'

'Snore....snore....snore. I'm not getting up, you deal with It'

'You're so boring now, you're like an old woman'

'I'm leaving. Of course there isn't someone else, you're mental. I'm staying at a friend's/my Mum's. HOW DARE YOU try contacting me because the kid's not well? That's your responsibility, call yourself a mother?'

'I'm not paying for your nails and clothes to go out and pick up a new man. I'm busy at weekends because I work for a living. Find your own babysitter'

'Why aren't you at home? The kid's ill and wants her Mum. I'll just tell her that you're out shagging and don't want to be her Mum anymore, shall I? I'll get social services onto you'.

etc, etc, ad nauseum.

Get out now and you'll save yourself all of that.

And this is just another reason why my husband of 20 years and I are child free.
What a life to live, with such "arguments".
😕

But if you had children together, you and your partner wouldn't suddenly be tit for tat petty squabblers like OP's very immature sounding husband seems to be.

It's not being child free that prevents you behaving like that, you just aren't arseholes!

he is petty in general

Bad idea to be with a petty man. Even worse idea to have a child with him.

And are you living in his country? Because having a child who is resident in the father's country is an incredibly risky thing to do. But with a petty man, it's borderline insane. He will control the rest of your life.

I can’t see the issue here?

Are you saying that no parent would want to come home to look after their own child because they are so tired from work?

That being a SAHM is easy and stress free, not tiring? So there is no need for ‘special time’ out of the house.

And that having a tit for tat attitude is normal? Nowhere should you actually take into account the needs of your partner, eg going out of the house after spending the whole day and the whole night looking after a baby.

What a weird way to approach both being a parent and being a partner.

@samanthaoritzz like potter posters I’d avoid having a child with this man.

If yu were, he d be counting evry single time he is left with a child ‘to make it even’.
But would have no issue with him taking time off for himself/not parent but help with the dcs etc…. without ever accepting the same ‘tit for tat’ experience coming from you.

I was simply wondering if OP was willing to do what she was demanding of her husband.

Hilarious BTW that it's tit for tat when a father wants equal free time, but fairness when a woman does.

@mrsdineen2 for the record, I think both male and female, work or no work, are both entitled to free time. My anger/issue is coming from the pettiness and point scoring like it’s some sort of competition where we are fighting against each other. Like someone else mentioned, there might be days where it’s 80/20 and some days is 20/80. My issue was with the overall attitude. I felt like I was being punished for wanting to go to the gym.

Bruciebogtrotter · Today 14:36
Hmm I’m kind of with him tbh. We don’t keep a tally but we do make sure each has time off to do our own thing. If he’s at work all day I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to go to the gym a couple of times a week. Free time away from work and childcare should be roughly equal for both of you”

This. He’s not on a jolly, he’s working too.

Well thats silly! Thus couple don’t even have children yet—the argument arises because they can’t trust each other to be kind and take care of each other and hypothetical children. Healthy couples can have children without these struggles and conflicts. We certainly have. You are like someone who reads about a bad divorce and announces smugly that this is why you never bought a house and only rent.

You don’t want a baby, don’t have a baby. Really, don’t. If you feel so miserable and resentful now, with so many necessary steps to take to get there, it’s not worth the effort.

Good for you. Two of the most miserable bickery couples I know don’t have children (by choice fwiw), it’s not the case that being childfree means you’re automatically happier. Odd position to take.