Rhetorical – Husband said if I went to gym x2 evenings a week and left him with our kid; he would do the same out of principle?

[samanthaoritzz]

Had a rhetorical q with my husband last night - I asked if we had a child he would be fine with me going gym twice a week and leaving him at home with our kid. I work from home, and he gets home around 6pm.
He said if I went twice a week - he would go twice a week out of principle and leave me with the child twice a week lmao? how petty is that logic... getting out the house if you have been at home with a child all day I am sure is good for your mental health.... he is seeing it as a personal insult that I am taking advtanage throwing the kid at him as soon as he gets through the door?
Then I made a joke and said you would be too tired to go gym x2 a week anyway (as he is on his feet all day) and he laughed and said well I will keep tallies and build up days/nights to have on my own the same amount you go gym - wtf??

So now you know he is spiteful. That he sees your life as competition.

There's a saying 'never marry a man who wpuld be horrible to divorce'. Unfortunately you're too late there. But the good news is, you found out what a contemptuous cunt he is before he baby trapped you.

Leave him. And if you don't, then certainly never, ever, ever ever ever have kids with him.

He doesn't even like you.

How many partners have you discussed having children with?

And is he allowed to bring up things he liked about his exes to influence you on other issues?

We can see what he's up against.

@mrsdineen2 who said I brought past relationships up to him?

If you think being at home all day with your child is gruesome I'd advise neither of you to have a child. He's petty and you're description of looking after your child is awful.

@mrsdineen2 @Icantpaint correct its not. Either is being at home 8 hours a day with a newborn. Which is what I think he thinks. Both parties should get a break, but if he doesn’t get his it shouldn’t be added up as time built up to disappear with friends on weekends lol. I have no issue with him going to the gym

"most partners I have been with would understand..."

I have to admit, I assumed being with a partner amounted a past relationship. You may have a different lifestyle to me.

Why are you tagging me @samanthaoritzz ?

Why are you remotely considering even staying married to a bully like him? Let alone having kids with him.

He's a pig.
And he'll ramp up the abuse once he traps you with a baby and no job.

Run. Run fast and run far.
Tf for divorce.

I'll repeat - have you offered to go out to work while he's a stay at home dad, do 50% of night wakings, 50% of the household chores, and rush home from work to let him go out the the gym more often than you? Without ever mentioning the bills you pay? And coming home grateful for the 9 hours child free time every day?

@mrsdineen2 correct, I discussed kids with my ex of 6 years and he often said he would encourage free time and support if we ever had children. I’m asking you when I said I discussed this with my husband?

@samanthaoritzz don't have kids with the giant, petty man-baby you already live with.

The reality is that you will end up doing 100% of the childcare, mental load, household admin, cooking and cleaning AND working part time and he will still come home from his 9-5 and feel his wages pay for everything and he shouldn't have to do any more than that.

How dare you expect to have 1-2 hours to yourself? That would mean he has to work AND be a partner and father?!! SHOCK.

If you are working part time and doing the childcare you are still doing more than he is at his 9-5 job and if you've to pay 50% bills, then he should be minding the kiddies all weekend and getting cleaning and meals prepped too - but he won't cus that's YOUR job.

My vagina dries up just thinking about this tosser and his attitude. Yuck.

A real man would think on all of this and realise a SAHM is a f*cking goddess who should be appreciated, cared for and consulted not taken for granted.

You have put your finger on the important issue: he is a tit for tatter. He sees life as a zero sum game in which if you “get” something he loses something so he rushes to even the score and steal it back from you.

Dump him now for being a petty, ungenerous, selfish person. He isn’t husband or father material.

@mrsdineen2 in my ideal world I would continue to work full time and we would balance childcare, chores etc and pay 50% of the bills. I do not disagree with the person being at home doing 100% of night wakings, I think the person at home should do the majority of that, I would also never expect him to rush home either, the gym would be a luxury if he got home early or we was on track with chores. I’m completely understanding and appreciative that a working partner has to come first in a sense, but I would appreciate that same support and understanding/empathy back when you want to get out the same 4 walls you have been looking at all day!

@pikkumyy77 i agree, life shouldn’t be a competition you should with work each other not against each other. Support each others wins

Nothing you've posted before now suggests any of that, but your attitude displayed by the quoted comment sounds perfectly fine As does his of wanting equal child free leisure time.

You've said he's a petty man - do not have a baby with a petty man. You will come to hate him.

On the "Tit for Tat" front, this was an interesting read.
When A Partner Isn't Pulling Their Weight | The Art of Manliness

I'm not sure working + parenting around it if she better for mental health than being on maternity leave. It depends on the baby, your personalities, situation etc.

You keep mention being 'at home' and 'same 4 walls'. What on earth are you planning for maternity leave - some kind of solitary confinement?

Often the early months/years of parenting can give you a whole new daytime social life, it's just over you share with your baby. Going for lunch after baby massage, going to a playground with a new mum friend, having a friend over with her baby, going for a picnic with the swimming mums etc.

Most mums I know if babies go out every day to do something, meet up with friends, go for a walk with friends etc. For me, it was rare I'd be home for a whole day, often I'd just come home in time to cook dinner 😄 (if I was cooking).

It's so healthy to get out baby free when you can, but there doesn't need to be much staying at home with babies and toddlers unless you prefer it.

Seems to me that if you were away at the gym and was gone for a total of 1 hour and 7 minutes he would make sure he was next away (either with gym or friends) for one hour and 7 minutes. He would be tallying up your minutes away each time you went to the gym. And i bet he would go well over his "totted up total" if he was out with his mates but you are not petty enough to say "when you went out with Bill you went over the allotted time by 25 minutes so i am taking them back", you would be "did you have a nice time out?"

Do not have kids with him.

This post, whilst very different to your previous ones, is perfectly reasonable and I agree with.

why the about face?

and why are you with this prince amongst men?

If he's stating that bring a stay at home parent means you do everything 24/7 then he's mistaken, at the end of the workday it's both your jobs so if someone needs to go do things you work together to see when both gets gone out for exercise and hobbies etc

The only fair way to approach 'down time' is to share it equally. So if he's been at work for 50 hours, and you've spent all those hours looking after a baby, then you're both entitled to the same amount of downtime in the evenings / weekends. It isn't a competition between whether being a SAHM is harder or easier than going out to work (having done both, I found going out to work much harder - other people will feel differently and it's job-dependent too).

It sounds as though you are both turning this into a competition. It's good to have conversations like this before you decide whether to have children together. But your approach and his resposne suggest there's already some snarkiness going on.

Think really carefully before going any further. And if you're accusing him of being petty and unfair - question whether you might be too.

Red flags, massive disrespect, hills, solicitor, LTB, etc.